AN: Just occured to me that I should be working on "Dance Until Dawn" right now. But this fits my mood better... Tell me, should I leave it as a two shot or continue? Maybe four or five chapters?

Warnings: Language

Disclaimer: I don't own "Skins"

Chapter Two
I Am an Illusion

"I'm not real anymore
I am an illusion
I am the damage
I am the relief"
~~Rob Thomas

The girl beneath her is hot. Sexy as hell and one of the best fucks Tea's had the pleasure of having in her bed. But it's morning now and the rush, the need, is gone. And in their place is nothing. The terrible nothingness Tea's become so familiar with.

She crawls out of bed, begins to gather her clothes as the girl...Sherry? Candy? Brandi begins to stir. She doesn't actually wake up enough to look around until Tea's already full dressed and taking a slow drag from her cigarette. Brandi goes through the typical morning after rituals, and she watches her with a raised eyebrow and silence.

The girl keeps shooting her these little looks that Tea neither understands nor wants to understand. A one night stand of the mind blowing proportions last night was warrants this sort of awkward morning afters. When Tea is too tired and satisfied to demand the other leave immediately. When the girl she's with can't find the energy or the will to go on her own. Tea's used to it. It doesn't mean anything.

She's felt nothing for this girl, nor this girl for her. Random hook-ups with hot chicks and great sex, they roll off Tea like nothing. Because they mean nothing. She smuggles the hungover girl out of her room with a fake smile and a bullshit excuse about studying late. Her family buys it. They always do. Tea's been wearing the same fake smile for so long, even she doesn't remember what the real one looks like anymore.

A pretty little lie hiding all the emptiness inside.


Tea scopes the club thoroughly for girls hot enough to take home. She weeds through the heteros slowly. Don't get her wrong, straight girls can really rock the sack sometimes, but she doesn't want to have to try and explain to her family why the girl naked in her bed is hysterical, freaking out about being gay. Tea doesn't need that kind of drama in her life.

She gets enough just trying to pretend to be normal in her parents' eyes. Hiding the gayness, the manipulations, the lies, the drugs, the drinking, the...well, honestly, everything. God forbid if her family ever figured who the hell she really is.

The picture perfect daughter, cracked and broken just under the surface.

Shit. She needs to stop thinking like this. Shake it off. Be the fucking Tea Marvelli she decided long ago she would be. Un-fucking-touchable by anyone or anything.

The smile is painted on again, all sexy arrogance and seductive teasing, as she moves through the crowd. She moves slow and sensuous, the predator hunting for her prey. Ah, there. Beautiful, a little drunk but not wasted, and sending out gaydar vibes like nobody's business.

Perfect. A warm body pressed against her, driving away thought, is exactly what she needs right now.

Tea sidles up behind her, begins the dance she'd long ago perfected. Matches her pace, hands on her hips. She looks behind her, curious to see who she's dancing with, and smiles flirtatiously at the sight that greets her. She turns to face Tea, leans in to whisper her name, "I'm Gwen."

Tea smirks and leans in to kiss her. It's demanding on both sides, and Tea knows instantly that this girl isn't even going to make it all the way to one house or another. She has the taste of frantic bathroom sex on her tongue.

And sure enough, the girl is pulling tea away from the dance floor, not towards the door but to the bathrooms. Tea grins because, god, she's good at this. This, the fleeting touches and the harsh kisses, it makes her feel. Something. Anything. Whatever she can get her hands on, emotion in any form. To make her real for just a second. Just one fucking second.

Then, it done. Hands retreat, lips pull away. Ecstasy fades into the familiar numb. The hollow crash after the high. She's still trembling from the rush, from existing long enough to make Gwen cry out, to stifle her own.

And then, she's gone. Walking away because she feels nothing again. And it hurts a little more right after, the nothing after the everything. It's a masochistic kind of feeling, but it's a feeling. Gwen is looking at her like she might want a round two, but the aching emptiness inside is crying out and Tea can't even contemplate giving in and feeling again, just to have it snatched away again by her own fucked up mind or heart or whatever is that's broken in her. So she just goes.

Goes to dance, to get lost. To forget that her life is a lie void of everything and anything real. She dances through the crowd, untouched, untouchable. A ghost, an illusion. Beautiful girl, always in control. The world at her feet and no idea what to do with it.