Inaho Village was surprisingly lively for such a small village. The streets were brightly lit and the night market was bustling with the sounds of street vendors yelling – "Get your grilled squids over here!" – and the agitated back-and-forths of haggling. Smells of food, and smoke, and sweet snacks wafted into the air, intermingling together like a delectable tornado.
Too bad for two particular missing nin, who didn't have a single ryou between them.
A loud stomach grumble sounded.
"God damn it, I'm huungry!" Suigetsu whined. He kicked the dirt road he was currently sitting on in frustration.
Another stomach grumble resounded.
"So am I!" Hidan snarled. Next to Suigetsu, he kicked the road as well. A plume of dust came up like a mushroom cloud between them.
Suigetsu gave a side glare to Hidan. "You know, I thought an Akatsuki member was supposed to be loaded."
"Not me." Hidan snorted. "Seriously, Kakuzu definitely made sure of that. He's one guy who definitely has a one-way ticket to a giant ass-flogging by Lord Jashin. Every single fucking ryou we got went to him for 'safekeeping'. No idea what he did with it."
He scowled. "He could have spent them all for fucking whores and all of us would have no idea about it, seriously."
Suigetsu turned to Hidan with wide eyes. "Didn't the Akatsuki live in a giant black castle surrounded by vultures?"
Hidan stared at him.
"What the fuck, Suigetsu. We're not some pansy-ass fairytale villain." He shook his head, then went on, "No, we lived in a tiny wooden hut. And we all slept in the same fucking room together, every single night."
"Seriously?"
"Seriously." Hidan nodded. Then he scowled again. "I was stuck between Zetsu and Deidara. Zetsu's damn plant things poked me all the time. And Deidara fucking talks in his sleep."
Suigetsu shook his head sympathetically.
"What about you, then?" said Hidan. "You had Uchiha fucking Sasuke on your team. The only heir to the Uchiha fortune. You should have some money, damn it."
"Sasuke is the single-most, stingiest bastard you could ever meet," Suigetsu announced.
"Nope, that title belongs to Kakuzu, seriously," replied Hidan at once.
"No, it's Sasuke," said Suigetsu, shaking his head. "All we did was sleep in abandoned shacks or somewhere in the forest. Even though I know he definitely carried around sacks of money."
"How do you know?"
Suigetsu looked around, then leaned in conspiratorially. "One time, when he thought everyone was asleep, I saw him pull out twenty pouches. Then he started pulling out coins and counting them. It was only after he was finished, then he stuffed them back into that perpetually-open broken yukata of his, and he went back to sleep."
Hidan stared at Suigetsu. "Sasuke is bat-shit insane," he stated plainly.
Suigetsu nodded. "You have no idea."
"I can't fucking believe I'm saying this...but I'm seriously happy Akatsuki had gotten the brother who murdered more than three hundred of his family instead."
"I would be happier with him too," concurred Suigetsu.
They both fell silent contemplating the various insanities of Uchiha Sasuke.
Then both their stomachs grumbled. They scowled in unison.
"Well, Sasuke being insane doesn't change the fact that we're hungry," said Suigetsu with a sigh. He glared at Hidan. "At least you're immortal. The hunger won't kill you. Unlike me...I need food to constantly rehydrate myself or else I'll dry out– where are you going?"
Hidan had stood up and had started walking towards a stall selling spare ribs. "I'm going to get some fucking food, dumbass," he replied without looking back. "Just because I'm immortal doesn't change the fact that hunger is shitty."
"Yeah, but we don't have any money…" Suigetsu scrambled to get up and follow Hidan.
"So? You were formerly with Orochifuckingmaru, and I was from the Akafuckingtsuki. No money isn't going to stop me from getting spare ribs, seriously."
A short moment later, a loud scream was heard. After that, more screams. Then a crowd of people started running out of the village, screaming.
The entire night market became desolate and empty in a matter of seconds.
"Damn, this is the good life," said Suigetsu contentedly, licking his chicken bone. He was happy he finally got some chicken because for the past few nights, all he could think about was that chicken Sasuke had sliced. In that moment, he couldn't give a damn about animal rights.
"Isn't it?" Hidan agreed enthusiastically. He made a loud kissing sound as he sucked onto a rib bone. "Lord Jashin rewards those of us who do whatever it takes to get what we want, whether it's spare ribs or ditching the fucking Akatsuki. You should convert, seriously. I can't do a shit about all those heathen years, but your soul can just maybe be saved if you start now."
"Just tell me who to maim and kill," said Suigetsu chirpily.
They both continued strolling contentedly. Hidan commented on the smokiness of his spare ribs. Suigetsu talked about the tenderness of his chicken thighs. Hidan replied that his spare ribs could beat the ass of Suigetsu's chicken with their metaphorical hands tied behind their metaphorical backs. Suigetsu was about to flip Hidan off when suddenly, two masked men ran in front of them carrying a sack.
Everyone stared at everyone for a moment. Then –
"What the fuck?" said Hidan eloquently.
The two men dropped the sack. They immediately pulled out kunai and shuriken.
"Now that you've seen us we must eliminate you," one of the men intoned.
"There must be no witnesses to what we are doing," the other concurred.
"Just what the fuck are you assholes doing to begin with?" Hidan said bluntly.
They didn't reply. A cold wind blew over the four of them, making their hair ruffle. The scent of Hidan's spare ribs went away with the wind. So did the delectable aroma of Suigetsu's chicken.
Then kunais and shuriken came flying at Hidan and Suigetsu.
"Fuck." Hidan dropped the rib bone he had been holding and darted behind a bench by the side of the road. Suigetsu followed suit, although he continued sucking onto his chicken bone before discarding it.
"What the fuck's wrong with you?" Suigetsu demanded of Hidan once they were both side-by-side behind the bench. "Aren't you Akatsuki? Aren't you immortal? One kunai's not gonna do anything to you! Go slaughter them bastards!"
"Look, I don't wanna get more blood on my fucking pants, asshole." Hidan gestured at his blood-stained pants. "It's the only clean piece of clothing I've got, and you got blood on them when you slashed my chest, seriously. What about you? You're fucking made of water!"
"I'm not made of water, dumbass, I can just turn myself into water! I can still die if I get injured!"
"We are missing nin, even more notorious than the Demon Brothers. You can't escape us," said one of the men, throwing more shuriken at them.
"Just give up your lives now. There is no use trying to save yourselves," said the other.
"Who the fuck are the Demon Brothers?" Hidan said to Suigetsu.
"Beats me. You're the one who was part of a criminal organisation, don't you guys have some sort of buddy-buddy underground network?" retorted Suigetsu.
He turned to the masked men. "Hey, we're missing nin, too! Why don't we all just stop throwing so many sharp things and just play nice?" As he said that, he slowly pulled out his giant sword. He bent his knees, preparing to spring out of the bench.
Then one of the men suddenly threw a Fuuma shuriken. It curved towards Suigetsu and Hidan. They both ducked back instinctively, easily avoiding the flying weapon.
There was a cling! as Hidan leaned back. The shuriken had hit against the rosary hanging on his neck, as it delayed in swinging backwards, like a heavy pendulum.
Hidan's eyes widened at the sound. There was a short moment of silence.
Then, a vein throbbed in his forehead. His face turned from white to puce.
With a yell that sounded like a deranged gorilla, he leapt out from behind the bench, pulling up his three-bladed scythe. Without any regard for the flying kunai and shuriken, he ran for the two masked men in an impeccably straight line, still letting out the animalistic howl.
"I'll send all your fucking asses to Lord Jashin! Fuck you all!"
The flying weapons buried themselves into his chest, but he kept at the straight line.
"Shit, fuck, he's not slowing down, he's-not-slowing-down!" one of the men said, backing away quickly. Hidan was a nearly a metre away from him– he turned around, dropping his weapons and trying to flee. The other man did the same, letting out a mouse-like squeak.
But in the face of the gorilla-sounding Hidan, the men were no match for him. With one swing of his three-bladed scythe, their heads left their bodies. The heads remained in mid-air for a moment, then tumbled to the ground. They rolled around like two dice on a casino table.
Hidan stood over the heads, seething. "I hope Lord Jashin is flogging all your asses! I hope He's castrating you fucking bastards! Flaying your skins! Roasting your fucking asses and your fucking dicks! Roasting them like those spare ribs I had earlier!"
Blood was slowly flowing out of the headless bodies, which had flopped down like two lifeless fish. It flooded around Hidan like a red carpet of celebration. Suigetsu was staring at Hidan in awe. There was a dreamy haze in his eyes.
"Damn…" he said in a low voice. He sheathed his giant sword, then walked over to Hidan, who was still yelling out curses.
"Hidan, that was amazing!" said Suigetsu excitedly. "I personally would have hacked their bodies till you can't tell their heads from their ass holes, but that was so cool!"
Hidan stopped cursing to give Suigetsu a strange look. "The fuck," he said incredulously. "Every believer of Lord Jashin knows that the hacking comes after the killing. Get your ritual procedure right, dumbass."
Suigetsu shrugged, then nodded with an amiable grin.
Hidan licked his scythe. He made a face. "Ugh, their shitty blood is just as shittily disgusting as their fucking heathen behaviour, seriously." Growling slightly, he pulled out the weapons still buried in his chest. Then he leaned down to wipe his scythe on the headless bodies clothed in shinobi fatigue.
Suddenly, they heard a grunt.
Hidan froze in his act. So did Suigetsu, who had still been nodding.
They both turned slowly to look at the abandoned sack just a few metres away from them. It had been silent up till just a moment ago.
It grunted again.
They both moved towards it, taking slow, deliberate steps. Suigetsu was unsheathing his sword again. They stopped in front of it, and Hidan lifted his scythe, preparing to stab the sack. He turned to Suigetsu with excited eyes.
"If it's a pig, we can have more spare ribs!"
Suigetsu shrugged. "Could be a chicken."
"Moron. Chickens don't fucking grunt. Pigs do, seriously."
The sack let out a low moan. Both Hidan and Suigetsu's eyes widened, and they turned back to look at it. Suigetsu stared at it, hard, drilling holes into it. Hidan licked his lips unconsciously.
Then the sack suddenly let out a string of curses. It shuffled, and rolled about, on the ground.
"Fuck those assholes, fuck them and their fucking drugs and their fucking small heads only thinking about money, and their fucking small dicks, refusing to fight a girl head-on…"
Hidan raised his eyebrows, impressed. It sounded like a girl who was in the sack, and she was still swearing continuously as she struggled and rolled about.
"Fuck this! Gaara and Kankurou won't even be expecting me because I stupidly had to go off on this stupid fucking shitty mission on my own…"
Hidan lowered his scythe. Suigetsu raised an eyebrow.
As the sack continued to shuffle about, the girl's swearing increased in volume. Eventually, Hidan couldn't help it. He released a low, impressed whistle.
The sack stopped moving at once.
Rolling his eyes, Suigetsu lifted his sword, then sliced open the edge of the sack. His sword cut clean through the thin material.
A few beats of silence passed.
Suddenly, a girl sprang out of the sack. She rolled on the ground, then turned around, fists in the air and poised for a fight.
Suigetsu and Hidan merely stared at the girl. Suigetsu gave her a once-over. She was unarmed and defenceless. Although if fierce expressions could kill, the deep scowl on her face would've sent him to Hidan's Lord Jashin immediately. Hidan himself would probably be lying on the ground, twitching and unable to die.
Suigetsu turned around and started walking away. "Come on, Hidan," he said with a bored tone. "Let's just go."
Hidan continued looking at the girl meditatively. The ferocity in her entire demeanour intrigued him a little. But then he turned around too. "Yeah…" He took a few steps and in a short moment was at Suigetsu's side. Both of them walked away, leaving the blonde girl behind.
Temari narrowed her eyes at the retreating backs of the two odd-looking shinobi in front of her. One of them was shirtless with blood-stained pants and a giant scythe. The other also had blood-stained clothes and a giant sword. Her fists tightened. She was still ever-ready to fight, and adrenaline was pumping through her veins. Her heart was pounding in her ears.
She had been on a B-ranked mission she volunteered to take on herself, saying to Gaara that she had needed a break from Suna. It had been a simple mission, merely escorting the Daimyo's daughter to her holiday villa in Takigakure. So simple she had completed it within three days.
As the Kazekage's sister, it was easy for her to make sure she got an undefined time period assigned for this mission. So that she could have her own holiday.
She had been eating in a small inn alone when the two masked men came in. She had given them a once-over, as her shinobi training instinctively told her to do. She knew at once that they had recognised her as the famous Kazekage's sister. But they were harmless. Not threatening in the slightest. She could flatten them in a second with her giant fan.
So she had let her guard down. When her soup arrived, it only took one sip for her to know immediately that it had been laced with a drug. She had turned around to face the men, drawing kunai and swinging up her giant fan. However, the drug they had laced her soup with was unique, and unusually potent.
She only managed to take three angry steps towards them before she crumpled to the ground. Her last thought was a rebuke towards herself, for forcing (and lightly threatening) Gaara and Kankurou not to disturb or worry about her on her "holiday".
And so now she was unarmed and weaponless in an unknown location, facing some unknown people.
She closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. The men in front of her weren't totally unknown. They had struck her as slightly familiar.
She looked carefully at their faces in her mind once more. Trying to prod her memories, to remember who they were. Numerous faces and voices swirled in her mind as she dug deep into her memories.
Then realisation struck her.
Her eyes flew open. Her breathing started quickening rapidly. Her fists tightened even more.
The pretty boy was Hidan. He was part of Akatsuki. Every single one of their fucking faces had been seared into her mind, ever since that incident with Gaara. She wouldn't have forgiven herself if she hadn't memorised all the bastards' faces.
And the other one was Suigetsu Hozuki. An Orochimaru affiliate. Recently spotted with Uchiha Sasuke. Both their faces were in every single bingo book, memorised by every competent shinobi. They were wanted criminals.
She took a deep breath, trying to even out her breathing.
She couldn't let them leave. She had to bring them back to Suna, to face judgment. To face her judgment.
She narrowed her eyes. "Wait," she called out to them. Her tone was even. Pleasant. Just the way her shinobi training taught her.
They paused in their walking. Both turned to face her.
Her heart was beating hard within her. She knew that one false step could get her killed. These were S-class missing nin, not the pathetic shinobi she commanded back in Suna.
Taking a deep breath, she said, "Tell me where I am." She winced inwardly. Her tone was gruff like it usually was, despite her best efforts to make it gentler. As gentle as it should be when approaching a wild and dangerous beast.
"Inaho Village," drawled Suigetsu, still sounding bored. He turned away from her. Hidan turned with him.
Thinking quickly, Temari hurriedly spoke up again, "Inaho Village, huh? I'm trying to get to Sunagakure. You guys know which direction it is?"
Every competent shinobi had to memorise the geography of every village, no matter how minor it was. It was mandatory for them to know the quickest way to get to every village, the most covert way, and the most convenient way. Temari knew that these missing nin would know this without a doubt. She hoped that they wouldn't suspect her strange behaviour.
"Don't ask me, I suck at directions," Suigetsu replied with a carefree shrug.
Temari felt her jaw nearly drop.
Hidan raised an eyebrow. "How the fuck would we know? Solve your problem yourself, girlie. I don't give a shit about Suna, seriously. All I know about it is that the 'sand gets into your fucking hair and messes it up a whole shitload till you're forced to wash it out ten to twenty times with lavender shampoo and lukewarm water'."
Suigetsu shot him a questioning look.
"Deidara," Hidan said simply. Suigetsu's look changed into one of realisation. He nodded in reply.
By this point, Temari's mouth had already fallen open. How could two dangerous missing nin be such complete dunces about the geography of the land? Usually, idiotic shinobi like these would have gotten slaughtered by bandits within seconds.
But it only enhanced the danger they posed, and thus the need for her to get them to Suna. No matter what it took. As they moved to turn away from her once again, Temari quickly said, "Why don't we head to Suna together? It'll be much easier to scout the land with all of our knowledge combined. We'll get there so quick, you wouldn't even realise we'd made the journey to begin with."
Hidan stared at her with wide, incredulous eyes. "Are you fucking deaf? Didn't you hear me, girlie? I don't wanna go to fucking Suna. It sounds like a shithole to me, seriously."
"Yeah. It sounds dry and desert-like. Not good for me at all," Suigetsu added.
"If you come with me to Suna, you'll be handsomely rewarded for escorting me there." Temari could hear the beseeching tone in her voice. She wished she could shove a kunai with an exploding note up both their asses instead. But she was a shinobi. Emotions were her playthings.
She quirked them a confident smirk. "I'm the Kazekage's sister. You'll get his eternal gratitude for sending me back safely."
To her great irritation, Suigetsu and Hidan remained decidedly unimpressed.
"Eh, I used to hang around Kages all the time." Hidan lazily picked his ear. "Well, maim them, usually. They all fucking deserved it. All of them with their big-ass heads, walking around like they had the biggest fucking dicks in the world. Even the women. Crazy bitches. Lord Jashin would thank me profusely for punishing the idiots in His stead, seriously."
"And Orochimaru used to act like a Kage so that counts for me too," Suigetsu piped up with a shrug. "Sasuke did as well. Yeah...basically, let's just say...I fucking hate Kages."
"Hell, me too! Lord Jashin should just burn the whole lot of them, seriously."
"They're worse than cockroaches," said Suigetsu, nodding gravely.
"Or fucking leeches," Hidan added as an afterthought.
Temari felt her eyebrow twitch. She would flog them, roast them and flay their skins for insulting Gaara and wishing him dead once they get back to Suna. For now, it was more important for her to convince them somehow.
"Imagine all the money you'll get," Temari coaxed. "Let me tell you, Gaara's loaded. Suna's loaded." She paused. "Everyone basically shits gold there," she added.
Hidan gave a slow and heavy nod. "Then all of you are going to get your asses eternally tortured by Lord Jashin once you all die, seriously," he said with finality.
Temari bristled. They were turning away from her again. She cast a panicked gaze around her surroundings. There had to be something. Anything, to persuade them to come with her.
Her gaze fell on a few discarded animal bones. And an idea struck her.
"You know," she said loudly. "Suna's just full of spare ribs."
Hidan froze. Suigetsu had continued walking. But when Hidan stopped, he cast a curious gaze at him.
"The hell?" said Suigetsu confusedly.
"We have tons of chicken too," Temari added, spotting a few chicken bones. "Roast chicken, fried chicken, any sort of chicken you could want."
Suigetsu gave her an irritated gaze. "Hey girlie, I love chicken as much as the next person, but I hate the idea of sand getting into my hair even more." He elbowed his companion. "Right, Hidan? Hair messed up shitload? Lavender shampoo ten to twenty times?"
Hidan looked like he was struggling for a moment. Then he turned slowly to look at Temari. "Spare ribs?" he choked out. "You've seriously got spare ribs everywhere?"
"Everyone shits spare ribs over there," said Temari gravely. "Even more than they do gold."
Hidan twitched slightly. His face contorted into various grimaces. Several minutes passed, during which Temari observed the facial acrobatics animatedly dancing across Hidan's face. Then, he turned to Suigetsu at last.
"Suigetsu. Remember what I said about Lord Jashin rewarding His followers for doing whatever it takes for what we want?"
"Yeah…" Suigetsu replied slowly.
"This is one of those instances," said Hidan in all seriousness. "Lord Jashin wants us to take this opportunity, seriously." He turned to Temari with a bright smile. "Okay! Let's get you to shitty old Suna!"
"What!" Suigetsu gaped. "Are you fucking kidding me? For spare ribs?!"
"I never make jokes about Lord Jashin. It's finally reached the time my sacrifices are paying off. Kakuzu the asshole never let me have any spare ribs throughout my time with the Akatsuki, but now that I've ditched those fucking heathens, I'm getting my reward at last." Hidan started walking.
"Are you sure Lord Jashin won't mind us doing all this for spare ribs?" said Suigetsu, scrambling to follow Hidan. "Isn't it gluttonous?"
"Lord Jashin understands my love for spare ribs as much as He understands my love for Him," Hidan replied sedately. He turned his head to Temari.
"Come on, girlie! Do you want to get to your shitty village or not?" He grinned. "I can't fucking wait to see your brother. I'm sure he shits the biggest piece of spare ribs in the whole of Suna, seriously."
