Remus' Pov.
''I've been thinking about something'', he says to me. His grey eyes reflect the early sunlight, even though I see one eyelid is still a bit sleepy.
I look at him in surprise and suspect, what was he thinking about? Was it about his brother Regulus, with his 'wrong' friends? It could always be about what kind of prank he is planning to do now, but that didn't seem a reason to be sad. Mostly when he or James came up with another idea they're both very excited, sleepy or not, they're overwhelmed that they've found another great plan to make fool of the students, professors or staff. Or he could be thinking about the most unlikely thing, about me, about us. It is the only thing I can think of, us together, as a couple. I bet we would be a great couple, but I guess not everyone sees it that way. Like Sirius himself. He had quite some girlfriends in the past, which made me sad, even the innocent 'love', which you can barely call love, he had in our first schoolyear, it was one time of a hell. But it prepared me well enough for the years that would come. Four years ago he had this girlfriend, I don't even know who it was. He had a new girlfriend every few months, in our third year. In the fourth and fifth year he was single, but he kissed some girls and probably did some stuff with them I don't even want to know, but no 'official' girlfriend those two years. And now we're here, the beginning of our sixth year of Hogwarts and he's single. At least for as far as I know, I didn't see any girl hanging around him lately so I guess that should mean he's single. And if he still was, did he notice some feelings finally after all those years? Did he finally felt anything for me? I can't think of anything he could say except that he loves me. I didn't even know if I believed it myself, I just wanted him to say it.
Sirius sighs
This can be something good, right? It probably is? I mean, it must be quite hard to tell me he loves me?
''You know, Moons, there's this girl, Marlene. I really like her, she's cute, fun and kind. I just don't know how to tell her'', he sighs
The same as I don't know how to tell you that I love you, Sirius, god dammit!
''Uhm.. yeah- wait'', I don't know what I'm saying, I literally don't know what I'm saying! Okay, Remus, stay calm. You got this. Of course he doesn't love me back, why did I even think that, I'm a frickin' werewolf! I knew this was gonna happen, possibly no one wants me anyway. When I talked to McGonagall last year about my chances for a job she was honest and told me they were not very high, for the reason that I was a werewolf. And no one wants werewolfs, you know that right!? Ugh, I'm overreacting but I do know that my future life will be hard if I tell people who I am, and my feelings. A gay werewolf, like seriously universe, why? Could it possibly get any worse? Every month I turn into a monster and I think I could possibly have returned love from Sirius. Sirius, who wants me to tell him how happy I am for him that he found a girl again. Who wants me to give him hints about how to tell her he likes her. No not even that he 'likes' her, he loves her, while I am not even able to tell him I love him. This world has just gone insane in no time.
''Well, uhm, I guess you could just tell her? Just walk up to Marlene and say that you like her''
I try not to succumb. I don't want him to see me going all emotional right now, he doesn't even deserve my foolish heart. I stand up and prepare myself to tell my crush a good lie to escape from him. Most people would do it the other way around, and make up excuses to stay with their crush. Well I have to say, for me it was already enough. It's not even fair, I yearn for Sirius forever, but he doesn't notice me at all, still my brain and feelings don't want to give him up. I know it's not really giving him up, my love for him is honestly what I should give up, it's not like it is going to happen any time soon, or let's just say, it's never going to happen anyway.
''Hey Sirius... '' I suddenly have the chance to tell him I love him. It's a chance I could take, it's now or never some people would say, but I know the only thing it would cause was chaos.
''Padfoot'', I begin. My heart is begging me to say it. I don't, I can't.
''I have to return a book to the library real quick'', I quickly say, before my heart says something else than I want to. Immediately I turn around and run up the stairs to take a random book, just to make it believe worthy that I really need to return a book. As I walk through the common room making my way out, I see Sirius staring at the fire, probably still thinking about how he's going to tell Marlene that he really loves her. It's impossible almost, Sirius asking someone how to tell a girl his feelings for her, he already had so much girlfriends, why is this new girl suddenly so difficult and important? Well, at least he isn't falling for a good friend of me, like James is.
I walk along the library, I don't really need to go there though, I think it was credible enough. Not like Sirius would even notice me. Why would he be worried about a gay werewolf?
I really need somewhere quiet, I can't handle this even though I thought I could. Of course he doesn't know I'm gay, no one does. Not that I don't want to, but I'm just not ready. And… yeah I guess I also don't want anyone to know I'm gay yet. Especially not the fact that the person I'm gay for is Sirius. I just-
A redhead noticed me and is walking straight up to me. Not just any redhead, the redhead, Lily.
''Oh, hey Lils'', I say quickly, trying my very best to smile so she wouldn't ask how I was doing.
''Have you heard it?'', she asks full of energy.
''Uhm, no? What is it abo-'', before even getting the chance to finish my sentence, she interrupts me.
''You didn't, did you?'', I see a soft undertone in her green eyes.
''What-''
''There was an attack again''
My eyes widened. ''Ŕeally? Where!?''
''In Diagon Alley. The worst thing is that Ollivanders was attacked. It is empty now, they took Mr Ollivander'', she looked at me, sad and probably disappointed in the world.
''I can't believe that happened'', I say. Why does this insane world has to be any more mad? It's already mad enough. You can't surpass it now though.
Poor Mr Ollivander, I have no clue what they're trying to do with a wandmaker but I bet the Ministry is soon going to find his dead body. No one who gets abducted ever escapes alive.
''Poor Mr Ollivander'', she sighs,''I wonder where he's now. He's probably getting...''
She sighs sadly.
''tortured'', I finish her sentence. It was sad though, no one deserves to be tortured, especially not Mr Ollivander.
''I remember when I bought my wand there'', she sobs. ''He was so kind and modest''
''Yeah, he was'', though I have had a tiny different experience with Mr Ollivander.
When I bought my first wand at Ollivanders it was… well let's say different. He tried quite some wands, looking for the right one for me. But then he just stared at me and I could see him thinking. Not in a nice way though, not even a normal way. The longer I waited while he was thinking the more of a disgust he had on his face. He looked at me in disgust. With a steel face he handed me my wand, my current one. After my parents paid for it we left. I didn't realised it then, but I knew what he was thinking about at the beginning of my first school year at Hogwarts. More specific; my first full moon at Hogwarts. With that coming closer I realised, all of a sudden, that he looked at me in disgust because he suspected me of being a werewolf. I wouldn't know how he would know that, I never thought someone would notice me having a secret, and that secret being kind of a big deal: I am a werewolf. I didn't like him that much, but I pretended I did, 'cause almost everyone loved him, they said he was such a kind and modest man. Well, all I could think is that none of those things were what I saw that day, but it stays with thinking, not saying it out loud. I would never do that, somewhere I think everyone saying he's so good are right, I'm just looking from the wrong perspective.
''Hey Remus?'', the green eyes were looking at me, again.
''Yeah?'', I quickly wake up from my thoughts. I hope she didn't noticed me floating away.
''I did see you right there though, Rem. What's on your mind?''
''Nothing. Just- nothing''
''Well, if it's nothing, you have to look at that over there! My god...'', she points with her eyes at some hot quidditch players walking through the corridor.
Oh my god, they are hot. ''Well, if you say so, I guess'', I try to sound as straight as possible.
''Hm? Oh sorry, yeah of course, sorry you're right. You're not interested in that''
''Indeed'', I answer doubting if she really believes it or is just playing the game along with me.
''So, is there anyone you're interested in?'', she asks kindly, still looking at the quidditch players. The hot quidditch players who dare to just interrupt my thoughts. Why did they need to be so hot, dammit.
''You know, Marlene is getting beautiful too'', she hints.
''Sirius just told me he has something with Marlene'', I say dry, without blinking.
''Oh… Well someone else than? What do you think of-''
Oh no, not this again. It's every year around this period that she's trying to get me a girlfriend. I'd rather stay single than having her matching me with girls I don't even know or like.
''Well, you know what Lils? I'll just go to the library on my own'', I smile friendly, but I really mean it. I can't use this. Not now, not ever.
