I own nothing. I wrote this awhile ago and completely forgot about it. Hope you all like it. Enjoy!
"Deeks," Kensi said leaning on my desk, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," I said smiling, "Why wouldn't I?"
"You just have this weird look in your eyes every time you look at Gabriella. Just thought you might need someone to talk to."
"I'm fine, I don't know what you're talking about."
Kensi shook her head and let out a soft sigh. I knew that she didn't believe me, but there was nothing else I could do. Telling the truth would just end up in me trying to explain something I didn't even understand.
After I found out about the miscarriage I didn't know what to do. I didn't take the news well at all. I had tried to keep a level head through out it all but I never had time to think about it.
Once I found out I refused to think about it. I spent all of my energy in making sure that Gabriella was alright. She tried to get me to talk about it, but I couldn't handle it.
I always had thought that I had to be strong for Gabriella, but in the end I realized that I wasn't the strong one. Gabriella was the one that took everything and still managed to live. I couldn't do that.
"Deeks," Callen said hitting my arm, "We're going to the crime scene. Come on."
"Right," I said standing up.
"You okay man?"
"Fine."
"You know I don't believe that."
"Not my problem."
Before Callen could say anything else I run to the car and got in. Looking at the driver I felt my heart stop when I saw that it was Gabriella. As soon as I saw her I knew that this was a way to get us to talk without either of us being able to get away.
"We've been tricked haven't we?" Gabriella said sighing.
"Yeah," I said as she started the car, "So, how have you been?"
"Marty, I know you and I know you've been using your connections to check up on me. Just like I've been using mine to look in on you."
"You have?"
"Yeah, I know it was wrong, but when I heard that you were still here and working at LAPD I had to find out how you were."
"Why didn't you come and talk to me?"
"Why didn't you?"
Sighing I ran a hand through my hair and tried to think. I didn't really have a reason for not going to see her. I should have known that our paths were going to cross at some point.
"I couldn't handle it," I said softly, "I didn't know how'd I react when I saw you."
"You seem to be taking it very well," Gabriella said calmly.
"I'm not. I'm freaking out. I don't want to say the wrong thing and to have it all fall apart on us again."
"Marty, there's nothing between us anymore."
I hated hearing Gabriella say that to me since I knew it was a lie. She might be able to lie to everyone else, but I had always been able to see right through her. It's how I knew when she needed help.
I didn't know whether or not I should call her on it though. This was my chance to get her back in my life, even if it was just as a friend. Nothing was the same since we had stopped going out.
"Do you have a girlfriend?" Gabriella said in a whisper.
"No," I said equally as soft, "I couldn't. Do you have a boyfriend?"
"No. I tried to move on, but things were harder then I thought."
"Maybe we could."
"We can't, Marty. Damn it, don't you get it? I still love you and every day I came close to dialing your number just to hear your voice, but I didn't. You haven't dealt with it yet."
"I have."
"No you haven't. I know you Marty Deeks and I know that you have tried to think about it every day, but you can't. You can't do it. And I can't be with you until you can."
"Gabby, what do you expect from me? Our child. You were carrying our child and we lost it. I was only eighteen of course I couldn't handle it."
"What's your excuse now?"
Gabriella shut the car off and got out. I took a second to take a few deep breaths so I didn't take off after her continuing to fight. I hated how well she knew me some of the times, even after all these years.
"We're not done, Gabby," I said getting out of the car.
"I think we are," Gabriella said calmly.
"No, I refuse to let it end like this again. I'm not letting it end again."
"You're not the only one involved in this, Marty. I have a say in it too and I want you to drop it before one of us gets hurt."
"We're already hurt! We lost our child Gabby and for some reason you still blame yourself don't you?"
"Of course I blame myself. I had a miscarriage. If that doesn't scream that it's my fault I don't know what does. And don't even start with who's blame who. I know you blame yourself as well."
"I must have dealt with it better since I didn't end up with scars covering my wrists."
"No you just ended up in the hospital with your stomach being pumped because of the bottle of Vicodin you took."
Gabriella and I stared angrily at each other knowing the other had gone too far. The situation was hard enough without having those thoughts and urges back in our heads.
"We both made a mistake," I said slowly.
"Whose to say that it wasn't all a mistake?" Gabriella said turning and walking into the crime scene.
Closing my eyes I took the full blow of what she had said. We had spent years together, planned our lives after high school together, her saying it was all a mistake hurt more than I expected.
"Deeks," Sam said staring at me.
"Next time you three want to stick your nose in my business," I said deathly calm, "Don't."
Going toward the crime scene I quickly got to work talking to the officer that had found the scene. It had been lucky that Gabriella and I hadn't really started to yell at each other yet.
Nothing was going like I had hoped. Maybe if I had a little more time to think things over it would have been different, but Gabriella was right. I was never one to stop and think about things, especially when they hurt me.
She was also right in saying I wasn't over the miscarriage. I might think about it everyday, but I never really took time to figure out how it made me feel. Not that I could be blamed, but the whole thing made me a little numb.
"Deeks," Kensi said when the officer was done talking, "If we had known…"
"You would have done the same thing," I said with a sigh, "That's one of the reasons I didn't tell you."
"What was the other reason?"
"Because I can't handle it. I've never been able to handle it. I didn't just lose my kid that day, I lost Gabby too. And I'm not getting either of them back."
"Maybe you could talk to Nate. He's going to be in town for a little while. I'm sure he'll listen to you."
"I'm not sure that's a good idea, Kensi. Thanks for trying. Just don't help anymore."
Walking away from her I continued to work the scene while trying to keep my thoughts at bay. Maybe Kensi was right. Nate seemed like a pretty nice guy when I met him, but I still didn't like the idea.
This was something that I thought somehow Gabriella and I would work through together, but I had completely messed that up. Thinking everything over made me feel more like a coward then I ever had.
Listening to Kensi's advice wouldn't be a bad thing though. In the long run it might just help me get Gabriella back, although at this point I doubted even that was possible.
"Guys," I said walking to Callen and Sam, "I'm going to head back. Do you have everything covered?"
"Yeah," Sam said nodding, "We're good here."
Nodding my head I went to the car before remembering that I didn't drive here. Kensi ran up to me and handed me the keys to the car she came in claiming she'd just drive back with Callen and Sam.
I smiled slightly at her. I knew what they had tried to do was to help, but since they didn't know what was actually going on they had ended up making everything worse.
When I got back to the office I let out a soft sigh and tried to figure out if I was doing the right thing. Today had been a long day and sleeping on this decision might be for the best. Too bad I knew that if I didn't do this now that I never would and nothing would ever change.
"Nate," I said when I found him, "I was hoping we could talk. You know, psychiatrist on patient?"
