I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming about having crappy Indian food with Jess on my mother's couch. I'm that lonely. Rory had been shocked when Jess had shown up. But when reality had sunk in and she had realized that it was more likely that her loneliness had caused her to hallucinate Jess rather than him actually being here, she felt disappointed. And confused. Why Jess? Why hadn't her psyche conjured up the cute intern from the paper? Or that guy who she sometimes saw on the subway who worked in the building next to her, the one with the thick eyebrows and fine cheekbones? He wore a wedding ring, but surely holy matrimony had no place in her hallucinations?
The idea of holy matrimony jolted her, and she immediately felt the gnawing sensation that accompanied thoughts of Lorelai's marriage. Willing herself to be in the moment and to enjoy what was left of this dream, she turned to Jess and opened her mouth. Then she realized she had nothing to say. He turned and looked at her intently, waiting. Horrified, Rory said the first thing that came to her mind, as she often did during the first few weeks of talking to her first boyfriend Dean.
"What are you wearing to the wedding?" She blurted, turning red and inwardly kicking herself.
"A tux, I guess. I'm supposed to be Luke's best man, since his only other option is TJ". Jess smiled. No matter how mature his mother and his old friends claimed he now was, there was a sick part of him that loved to have the upper hand in a relationship. He craved control, to know that there was no competition, and to generally be the cooler customer. Seeing Rory agitated and nervous was a pleasant surprise, and while he loved her when she was witty and on the top of her game, being greeted by having the upper hand rewarded to him had initially been his intent when he broke into her house. He did not want the last couple of times they had spent time together to cause Rory to lash out, and ruin any chance he had of… what? Re-kindling an old flame? Ugh. He needed to get out of his head.
"Luke actually wanted us to wear very formal tuxedos and bowties for the ceremony." Jess offered.
"Oh yeah?" Rory was relieved that she hadn't screwed things up with her question more suited to an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
" Yeah. He's very traditional. Apparently he flipped when Lorelai wanted to wear anything other than white the first time around." Jess froze. He had not meant to bring up the couple's plights, which was definitely a touchy subject around the majority of the town. In fact, the only way he had heard their on-again-off-again relationship being referred to was as a 'colourful past'. He was about to change the subject when he looked at Rory's face. She was looking at him with a sort of admiration. Her features were no longer pinched, worn, and tired. Instead, she looked calm, pensive, and bemused.
"'The first time around. '" She repeated. She looked at him closely. Then she smiled. "Finally. Goddamn it! Finally!" She beamed, and laughed openly at the taken aback look on Jess's face.
"Rory!" Jess had never heard her swear with such abandon. And he was amazed at the relaxation he now saw in her face. He watched her almost reproachfully as she reached over and turned off Community, afraid that she had lost it. He watched as the faces on the old television slowly faded. They had been both surprised and happy when they found that they both loved the NBC comedy. It was a brand new fact, something they now needed to attach to the other's personalities, and yet it was incredibly fitting. He turned to look at her, and found an almost hungry look on her face.
"Finally! Someone mentions that accursed past that they shared! I mean, seriously! No one wants to discuss the fact that they were both married to other people before, or that they broke up a bunch of times, or that they each have a child with someone else! It's so frustrating!" Rory stopped and looked at Jess, wide-eyed, as though she had just realized what she said.
"I know! This entire freakin' town is intent on making it look like they had a fairytale romance. It's sickening."
"It is."
"It's too conservative."
"It is! What's wrong with a past? It makes them interesting. It just means that they found each other and that they still love each other, and it's rare and wonderful!" Rory looked flushed and giddy.
"Hang on, I need some paper, we need this to be the wedding toast to top all wedding toasts."
"They belong with each other. If I were them, I'd be proud of all of the chains I'd shaken off to get married." Rory stopped when she saw the smile drop off of Jess's face. It was replaced by a worried look, but his eyes were fierce.
"Hey. Don't you dare for a second even think, even entertain the thought, that you are not the sole reason for your mother's existence. She loves you, and you have never, not once, gotten in the way of any of her relationships." Jess paused, worried he had crossed a line.
Rory stared at him. She was caught completely off guard by this blatant reminder that Jess was… well, Jess. She had said things like this to everybody, little hints that she was afraid of being forgotten by Lorelai in favour of Luke, but no one had ever taken her seriously. They all figured it was a phase, something silly she was going through, nothing to worry about. She had been so good at being happy for her mother when she was younger, helping her get ready for dates, discussing guys with her, and generally being a good sport about her dating life. Nowadays, she was scared shitless of what her mother might do without her, of getting an unexpected sibling, of watching her mother drift away from her. It was funny how the most basic human instincts, loving and supporting your mother for example, died out and left you empty when you grew up. Jess had listened to her, had understood her, and had comforted her. He had spoken to her, looked her in the eye, and had left any bullshit checked at the front door. She felt inexpressible gratitude welling up inside of her. She felt an ache in her throat, and some pressure behind her eyes. She realized she was putting a whole lot of effort into not crying, and just as she reached this conclusion, she stopped resisting. She let go of everything. She felt her body shut down, and she heard a voice in the back of her mind, a stupid little radio jingle she had heard about ice cream at Burger King the other day. Just melt. So she did.
Jess saw something in Rory's face change quickly and drastically. In an instant, he was on the other side of the couch cradling her shaking body. She cried with abandon, not worrying about how she looked or how her actions might be perceived. She clung to Jess, burying her face into his chest and breathing in his cologne and the Indian food. She was comforted and began to feel a sense of overwhelming peace take over her body; she felt better than she had in months.
"Rory…" Jess started, looking uncomfortable. He wanted so badly to be there for her, to be able to comfort her and hold her and play an important role in her life from now on. He wanted to talk to her every day, for hours on end. He needed to touch her, to twirl her hair between his fingers and poke her elbow during terrible movies and nudge her feet during long hours of watching television. For the first time in his adult life, he wanted to wake up next to someone, not just sleep with them.
But he was afraid. And he knew the worst part of fear. People often talked about being paralysed with fear, but he was too closely acquainted with fear to be fooled by that empty promise; he would much rather choose to be frozen and stuck than do what fear always led him to do. He painfully recalled the many times he had fled this town and left Rory behind, always running away like a coward. Yet the commitment it required to be with someone in the way he wanted to be with Rory was scary. He would have to seriously consider things like labelling their relationship, moving in together, and even marriage at some point. That was too much.
Rory looked up at him expectantly and wearily when he said her name, and looked crestfallen when he gathered up her hands and pushed them gently back towards her body. She felt her face cave in when he avoided her eyes. Her worst fears were confirmed when he stood up and mumbled an apology, causing her breath to stop and start again only when the door had closed as meekly and quietly as he had made his excuses. She hated that sound, though it was new to her specifically. She had read enough, watched enough, listened and observed enough in her life to know what it was. That quiet soundtrack of doors barely hitting doorframes to spare feelings, accompanied by the soles of shoes slapping the steps that led away from you, that was what Rory secretly feared above all else. She could make excuses to her mother, grandmother, even to Lane about why she wasn't dating and attribute it to her busy schedule and resolution not to let dating interfere with her professional life. She had done that and she hadn't bothered to correct them when they assumed, years later, that it was why she still didn't get into relationships. Rory alone knew what the true vow she had made to herself was.
After three serious and failed relationships, she had wondered if the old adage about having your heart abused was true. She had loved freely and had always allowed herself to fall, and yet it had caused her nothing but torment. She suspected her romantic life was too dramatic after reflecting on that fact that her first boyfriend, whom she had left for a boy who fled to New York at the first sign of trouble, had gotten out of his marriage when she lost her virginity to him. Logan hadn't been too bad, but she had truly been introduced to wanting and needing someone who couldn't be there, and she had been wary about that kind of passion afterwards. The proposal was really the thing that haunted her from that relationship; breaking Logan's heart and throwing away the years she had spent with him the second she graduated college closed off her heart for good. She had promised herself that she wouldn't date or fall in love again, in order to spare herself the agony and heartache she associated with love. And that was the vow she had been about to break with Jess seconds ago.
Rory wiped her face and closed her eyes. She had lost it in front of Jess, and she had been rejected. That was definitely going to make seeing him at the wedding more difficult. She remembered the raw sadness in her mother's eyes when her father had left her at Sookie's wedding years ago. She had been presented with some excellent men in her life, but the catch was that she had also seen the ugly side, the commitment issues and the cowardly tendencies that came right along with the wit and the looks. She felt angry all of a sudden. Angry at the quiet backing away and fleeing she had just seen and had seen in her life often before. Angry at the silence that met her words, the nervousness that met her certainty, the evasiveness that met her desperation. She was mostly angry that she had let her guard down, and that she had been so ready to forget her principles and rules. All for a boy. Rory furrowed her brow and felt her anger translate onto her face, and this surprised her into laughing. She was so used to being alone and feeling things deep inside of her that this expression of emotion was new and almost welcome. Grinning for absolutely no reason at all, she feared she had lost it again. Wasn't she supposed to feel like crap, having been rejected? Maybe there was an upside to being prepared for love. She wasn't as severely affected. She decided to look at this missed chance as an opportunity like the old Rory would. She needn't go into town until the wedding, so she could avoid running into Jess. Plus, she thought, I won't be shocked to see Jess and have my guard down in front of all of those people. I won't wonder 'what if' after the wedding either; he just answered that question for me. Pleased that she had made the best of this, she looked at the door one last time, wondering if wanting him to come back and kiss her was part of getting over Jess for what felt like the umpteenth time.
