Chapter 6.
AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! Nobody do it!
This running gag is getting kind of old now...
The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. Didn't you mention something about being a vampire earlier? I spray-painted my hair with purple.
In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula Considering you're a vampire I'd think you'd find that somewhat offensive. cereal with blood instead of milk, Remember kids: Blood will help you grow up big and strong! and a glass of red blood. None of that cheap blue blood you get at wal-mart. This is quality target blood! Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top. Of course, considering how you dress, that probably just made that shirt a million times awesomer to you.
"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. Or not. I've kinda given up predicting the characters at this point. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. Yes, because the fact that he's moderately attractive by your standards after pissing you off the day after a date with your alleged boyfriend makes it all so much better. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He was wearing so much eyeliner it made him wear lipstick? He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's No. NO. and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. TRAITOR! He had a manly stubble on his chin. YOUR MOTHER WAS HAMSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELT OF ELDERBERRIES! He had a sexy English accent. So does everyone else at Hogwarts except the Scottish, Welsh and Irish people, who have arguably sexier accents. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. Are you even trying anymore? Then again, were you in the first place? He was so sexy that my body went all hot Yeah, you aren't trying anymore. when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. There are so many things wrong with that that I'm not even going to pick one to mock.
"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.
"That's all right. But only because you're attractive and she's a terrible person. What's your name?" I warn you, if he's who I think he is... I questioned. Yes, questioned. She dragged him into a dark room with a bright light just for that.
"My name's Harry Potter, Vendetta. VENDETTAAAAAAAAAA! although most people call me Vampire these days." That's stupid. he grumbled. Why exactly are you grumbling that? It's a nickname, if you want people to stop calling you that STOP INTRODUCING YOURSELF THAT WAY.
"Why?" I exclaimed. Yes. EXCLAIMED!
"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. This is like shooting fish in a barrel.
"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed. No you aren't. You obviously only think you're one.
"Really?" he whimpered. Whimpered? WHIMPERED?
"Yeah." I roared. Vampire half-lion ninja goth pirate space zombie. I'm telling you.
We sat down to talk for a while. Presumably you were already sitting down to eat your literally bloody breakfast. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. SURPRIIIIIIIIISE!
Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life
AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. I am now ashamed to be a member of the human race. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! Tin? Now you're specifying that all reviews should be made of tin? STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! You've never heard of a puppet account have you? Evony Pick a letter and a place for it to be and leave it there. isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! In your fucked up world that just makes her better. n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! She doesn't appear to have a reason to be. Besides, Mary Sues can be depressed when the author becomes desperate to make people think they aren't mary sues, or if they're self inserts like this one. Besides, nothing a lot of zoloft wouldn't cure.
Z? Not only is she the anti christ she's Emperor Zurg.
Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). Yes. Yes it does. I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. Because you're leaving momentarily even though he only met you a few minutes ago? I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. So this is a shitty self insert fic, angst, vampires nearly as a bad as twilight AND Harry/Draco slash? This really is the worst fanfic in history. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then… Oh no! Whatever happens next? There is so much suspense.
We started frenching passively Yes. Passively. and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. AND NOW WE'RE ENTHUSIASTIC! He felt me up before I took of my top. Not again... Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. You're going to keep doing this, aren't you? We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) The way you write it? Yes.
"Oh Draco, Draco!" There's more? For Picard's sake, just stop already. I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. What's this? Plot? The dark mark? Canonical elements? THERE MAY BE HOPE AFTER ALL! It was a black heart with an arrow through it. Well shit. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… DRUMROLL PLEASE! Vampire! Nope. No hope at all. False alarm.
I was so angry. So was I.
"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.
"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. None of us do, mate. None of us do. But I knew too much. And now you must die.
"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" Hey, you're the one who's writing this. It'd be your fault.
I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Huffily? Aren't you in Slytherin? Draco ran out even though he was naked. You just can't let this go, can you? He had a really big you-know-what Not a surprise the way this story's going. but I was too mad to care. Now that IS a surprise. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom Yes. His classroom. His personal classroom where he takes private lessons from every single teacher. where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people. Who nobody gives a shit about.
"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. And you're angry at him why? If Draco had time to get a tattoo this has clearly been going on since before you got to him. Draco and to a lesser extent yourself are the ones in the wrong here. But what the hell, I can't expect you to act rationally or in a way consistent with your actual emotions. You're clearly a raving lunatic.
Chapter 8.
AN: stop flassing ok! Flashing? I thought you were the one making the characters do that. if u do den u r a prep! Oh no. I am so terrified.
I really am starting to be conflicted about this. The anti christ is supposed to be competent.
Everyone in the class stared at me As well they should. You just burst in, insulted someone for no good reason and have a naked guy trailing you. And since you're a self insert, you get more attention than the naked guy. and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. Because that isn't counterproductive at all.
"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly. But she's the author. She knows what you're going to say next...in theory.
My friend B'loody Mary Smith Who? Why is there a Klingon at Hogwarts? smiled at me understatedly. Somehow I think that isn't the word you're looking for. She flipped her long waste-length Waste-length. So long it's a waste. gothic black hair A very popular shade of black. and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. Aside from the obvious grammatical errors there, why is everyone wearing those? Seriously, it'd be better if you just said "Assume all protagonists are wearing red contacts" instead of bothering to mention it every time you describe a character. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. That seems a bit excessive. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. What a strange transition, considering we were just talking about B'loody Mary Smith. Her real parents are vampires Vampires can reproduce now? and one of them is a witch Vampire witch pirate robot ninja cowboys. but Voldemort Finally. I was wondering when we'd get a mention of THE MAIN ANTAGONIST. killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. First of all, that's really irresponsible. He couldn't have gone off and tried to save his daughter? Second, I'm pretty sure vampires can't commit suicide. She still has nightmares What an amazing memory she has. She was only an infant at the time. about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith Huh. Perhaps she's distantly related to B'loody Mary Smith the Klingon. and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism I don't really see the link there. Also, if she's always remembered this, wouldn't the effects of it have been present since, oh I don't know, ALWAYS? she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. Knew the correct spelling wouldn't last long. Also, PEOPLE CAN SWITCH HOUSES? )
"What is it that you desire, That's somewhat odd phrasing. you ridiculous dimwit!" Actually, I sort of like that one. It'd sound better with halfwit though. Snape demeaned Again, I feel like this is the wrong word. angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.
"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. First of all, you're dating DRACO not this alleged vampire. Secondly, again, if he's had time to get a tattoo, he's cheating on this "Vampire" who is clearly not the Harry Potter we know but another Hogwarts student with the same name, but anyway, he's cheating on him with you.
Everyone gasped. Yes. EVERYONE.
I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. Wait, who's talking? I had went out with Vampire Epic. Tense. Fail. (I'm bi and so is Ebony) Which just goes even further to prove that this is just a medium to fulfill some fool's fantasies. for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. Because you aren't biased at all. We were just good friends now. Somehow I doubt you'd have remained close friends after that. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.) Intolerance is everywhere, isn't it?
"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire. This isn't really your problem. I think your best move is to back off.
"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" Fuck you, you fucking fucker, fucking son of a fucking fuck. I fucking hope you fucking die. Go fuck yourself. I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility If it weren't clear that this fic hasn't seen a spell checker in it's entire existence, I'd think it was a spell checkers fault. But no... to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.
Chapter 9.
AN: stop flaming ok! We'll burn this fic to the ground if we have to. I dntn red all da boox! That explains alot. Like how you're writing a Harry Potter fic while clearly being illiterate. You must dictate it into some kind of phonetic device and have your little friends edit it, and then enter the authors notes later when they aren't looking. dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! What movie were you watching? Is it on netflix, because it sounds AWESOME, even if it did spawn this. besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! All things can be forgiven when you have a headache! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! I was unaware that Snape ever liked Harry, nor that any of the magical characters belonged to a religion which specifically states "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." MCR ROX!
Ah, the fact that she's removed the Z clearly indicates that she's secretly Zurg and trying to cover it up!
I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. Again, he was cheating on Not-a-vampire. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. ARGH! DON'T REMIND US! Also, how did you find the same tree again so quickly?
Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! Oh Almighty Picard, we thank thee for this salvation. He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) Oh my. Whoever could it be? and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME! Voldemort! THE DARK LORD HAS RISEN! ALL GIVE THANKS!
"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.
"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. Uh, isn't that Hermione's cat? Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. That's one terrifying cat. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. You fail at sadism then.
"Ebony." he yelled. There are more than a few reasons that period shouldn't be there. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" Or I shalt take thee to mine home, ye olde 14th century!
I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes If you dare use that word again I'll run you through. and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. Reusing an unoriginal description doesn't make it original. It only makes it worse. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, That's hardly what you should be thinking about right now. so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? The entire audience figured that out paragraphs ago.
"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.
Voldemort gave me a gun. Why, exactly? Does magic not work on vampires? Do you need silver bullets? "No! Please!" I begged.
"Thou must!" Why? First of all, Voldemort is far more qualified for this than her. Second, isn't he supposed to be obsessed with saving Harry for himself? he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!" Just do it anyway. You're already the most relatable character in this fic.
"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.
Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. I've heard of author avatars, but I've never seen a reader avatar before. "I hath telekinesis." Not even the right term, even if you aren't using potter terms, that isn't what telekinesis is. he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" You aren't even doing middle English properly. That should be thou, knowst and shalt among other things. he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. Yes. Because flying away always intimidates people into doing what you want.
I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Tell Dumbledore, the only man Voldemort ever feared, what's going on? Suddenly Draco came into the woods. How did he get an entire conversation behind you? Shouldn't he have caught up quite some time ago?
"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"
"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) Is that supposed to be some kind of horrible pun? EDIT: Just read the next few words, and it's clear it is. And it's stupid. between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. Oh, so now he has the positive physical traits of EVERYONE. How can you possibly deny the mary suiness?
"Are you okay?" I asked. He's obviously insane if he's dating you.
"No." he answered. Not surprising.
"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. Expelled. She obviously said that while casting expelliarmus.
"That's okay." No, no it isn't. he said all depressed It clearly isn't ok if he's STILL DEPRESSED. Wouldn't a word like "Relieved" have worked better? and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. Making out. And walking. At the same time.
Chapter 10.
AN: stup it u gay fags First of all, redundant, second of all, offensive, third of all, since all your characters are allegedly bi it's hypocritical. if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! I want to. You have no idea how much I want to get the hell out of here. ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al She's muggleBORN. There is a difference. n she n vampire r evil You're the evil one. datz y dey movd houses ok! But the house system- Nevermind. No comment.
Not willing to show yourself today Zurg?
I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. Now you know how the characters you've never heard of who he killed feel. I was even upset All the way to upset? Madness! went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Of course. I bet I can guess who's in it. Bloody Gothic Rose 666. What a stunningly original name. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. Many people here meaning you. The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron I was right! (although we call him Diabolo now. The sad thing is that is this point I barely even question that. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it. Must you screw EVERYTHING up?) and Hargrid. That was somewhat less expected. Can't have one of those evilly kind and lenient authority figures in there with them. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming Shouldn't the entire band always be absent then? and we wrote songs instead. Songs the other 2 members will likely hate, thus making them more depressed so you never have to actually do anything. That's diabolically clever. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists You say these things so casually... (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too SINCE WHEN? and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s So you're dead? Because last time I checked you were wearing cross earrings. (there's no way I'm writing that) You're a frickin idiot. or a steak Quick! Somebody go to Outback!) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. How do you know him so well after one conversation? I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs Because we REALLY needed that mental picture. and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. ! I'm sorry, but your self-deception is hilarious.
We were singing a cover of 'Helena' Wait, why do you have to write a cover? And why are you signing it? WHAT'S GOING ON? and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. Great. MORE angst. There wasn't enough yet.
"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice. That's one hell of a sympathetic klingon.
"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! I fucking thought you fucking bitches fucking called him fucking Vampire now! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, If he were a jerk or I didn't know him, yeah, I'd kill him in a second. even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, Someone must have told her what a comma is. Now she's compensating for her earlier lack of them by overuse. will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears.
Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.
"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?) Yes. He should have said Mudblood. Besides, for either of those to apply she'd have to be muggle born in which case Draco wouldn't associate with her. You see the problem?
I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. That's very out of character. Then he ran out crying. Still not getting any closer to the actual Draco Malfoy here.
We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! Also, Dumbledore doesn't exactly DO angry. His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache. And on those rare occasions he does it's a cold rage not a fiery one.
"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. That's not really the right adjective to put there. Do you just write the outline and then have some madlib it? (c dats basically nut swering The swearing was the least of his characterization problems. and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y The suspense. It is killing me.) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. Yes. Ebony Draco. The strange fusion of the 2 characters created in an alternate universe. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." Uh, didn't we say a minute ago that that didn't work?
