Thank you so much to my amazing beta Magenta. She convinced me this wasn't as crap as I was sure it was lol.

Thank you to everyone that added this to their alerts. It made me smile!

Your awesome!!

Again, any criticism is appreciated.

I don't own Twilight.. I just mess with characters.

K here we go....

Angela was clearly upset at my decision to return to Forks, Washington but as I thought she was supportive and told me that no matter what I had a place to come back to and was there if she needed me.

She understood that in order to heal and start feeling better I needed to do this, I needed to face my fears.

Since being here in London I hadn't used any of my credit cards or bank cards, I didn't want anyone back home being able to trace me, I was so paranoid that I was being followed that I threw the cards in the back of my wardrobe in a shoe box. I had everything I needed and I paid my bills with a cash in hand job at a local pub.

When I left I made sure I became invisible, I didn't want to be found so I made it virtually impossible for anyone to look for me.

But when I decided to go back home I had to use my credit card to buy my plane ticket so if he didn't know by now my dad would soon know I was coming home.

I have to admit I was bricking it. It had been almost 2 years since I had seen my dad or my 2 brothers and I was dreading it. The last time I had seen them was unpleasant to say the least, I had told all of them I hated them and never wanted to see them again and stormed off into the night.

I think they thought I would have a tantrum and just come back but I was so messed up at the time and so much had happened that I knew I couldn't go back.

Things could go one of 2 ways, they could welcome me back with open arms, tell me they forgave me and loved me and that they had missed me so much or they would turn me away and tell me to fuck off back where I came from.

As much as it would break my heart I kinda believed the latter to be true. And they had every right to do that. I had ruined my families reputation, ruined everything my father had worked so hard to achieve. So I wouldn't blame them if they did turn me away. I deserved it.

My father Charlie was a lawyer, he worked in Seattle which was about 3 hours from where we lived. He had worked his fingers to the bone to get where he is now. He started off in the police force but slowly realized he wanted more and went to law school and became an incredible lawyer.

My brother Emmett wanted to follow in his footsteps, he always had done since about 10 years old. Jasper my other brother wanted to be a doctor.

My ambition when I was younger was to open an animal hospital in the back garden. Jess and I would round up all the animals we could find and put them in a huge shed that Emmett and Jasper had made me. They painted it pink and we even hung curtains up at the 4 little windows. I was forever bringing home stray dogs and cats and god knows what else. I was such a sucker for animals. My dad just laughed at me but let us just carry on.

My father had such high hopes for me but I ended up being a big fat waste of space and a complete disappointment.

There was every chance I would be disowned when I got home so I wanted to hold on to all the good memories I had.

I had an incredible childhood, It was so happy, I was the apple of my fathers eye being the only girl and I was spoiled rotten.

I loved having 2 older brothers, It meant I could almost get away with protected me when I needed it, and looked after me while my dad was away on took me to their football games and used to put me on their shoulders when they had won. They were such tough guys but when it came to me I just made them turn to goo. They adored me.

No one messed with me and all the girls wanted to be my friend in order to try to get closer to my brothers. I knew what they were doing, but I didn't care as long as I was centre of attention and popular. It was childish really but at 16 I couldn't care less.

Of course the only down fall was boys, no boys ever made an attempt to get close to me when I was in high school because they were afraid they would get beaten into next week by one or both of my brothers. I loved how everyone was so afraid of them.

The only person that wasn't afraid was Him. He laughed at them and told them they were being too over protective and to leave me live my life. That to me made him all the more appealing, he obviously liked me enough to risk the wrath of the Swan brothers right?

I spent all week packing and repacking my things, I didn't need to do it but it was a way of calming my nerves.

On the day of my flight after not having slept a wink the night before I was so nervous I thought I would vomit.

Ang offered to make me breakfast but I had visions of hurling on the person next to me on the plane so I decided against that.

I hated flying at the best of times and what I was about to face did nothing for my fears and anxiety levels.

We made it to Heathrow airport with 2 hours before I was due to take off.

I didn't want Angela to have to wait around for me so I said my good byes and told her I would call her as soon as I got into Seattle. We had a good cry and she hugged me and told me she would miss me.

My flight was departing at 12.35 to Philadelphia and from there we were going to Seattle. It was going to take like 10 hours to get there so I had plenty of time to catch up on the sleep I missed out on the night before.

I made my way to the gate and sat there reading for a while. Before I knew it US AIRWAYS flight US0729 to Seattle was being called. OK shit, now the panic has set in! My palms were sweating and my head was pounding. My heart was beating so fast I thought it would burst through my chest!

Fuck, what was I doing? This was a really stupid idea. I must have stood there clutching my ticket like it was gold for about 10 minutes before I was jolted out of my thoughts by another announcement for my flight.

Ok ya pussy its now or never, move your arse and get on the damn plane!!!

How I got on the plane without having a full blown panic attack was beyond me, I hate flying did I mention that?

At 10.30pm that night we touched down in Seattle. My nerves were shot to pieces, I was probably one step away from being sectioned I was bordering on hysterical!

I decided that as it was late I would stay in a hotel that night. By the time I had my baggage and left the airport it was almost 11.30pm and then on top of that there was 3 hour drive so I decided to wait until the next day to drive.

I hopped in a taxi and headed to the La Quinta Inn just down the street from the airport, checked in and grabbed my key. By this point I was so tired I could barely function. I sat down on the bed and just must have passed out cold with my clothes still on as the next thing I knew it was 7am and the light coming through the curtains was so bright I thought my brain was about to implode! I was so tired last night I hadn't even drawn them. Ughhh.

I completely forgot last night to call Angela to let her know I had arrived, she was probably frantic by now, I sat up, reached into my carry on and turned my blackberry back on. I had 3 texts off Angela and 4 voice mails. Whoops!

I dialed her number praying she wouldn't get into trouble at work for taking my call. We worked together at the pub in the evenings but during the day Angela was assistant manager in a really swanky clothes shop.

She finally picked up 'Oh my god Bella, do you know how worried I was when you didn't ring me? Are you ok? How did it go? Where are you? When are you coming home?'

Whooooooooooooa, brain freeze! This girl could seriously talk, my mind frazzled with the million and one questions.

'Well, good morning to you too Ang, what the hell did you have for breakfast this morning?' I chuckled, there was silence.. Okaaaaaaaaaaay too early for jokes!

'I'm fine Ang, I got into Seattle really late last night and crashed in a hotel I'm really sorry I didn't ring you I was so tired I pretty much passed out as soon as I got here! I haven't been home yet, Im heading there today'

'Oh, ok. But are you ok?' Ang asked sympathetically.

'The truth?'

'Yeah, the truth' She said.

'OK, I'm more terrified than I have ever been in my life, This not going to go well Ang, It was such a stupid idea, I think I should just come back'

'ISABELLA MARIE SWAN' uhoh, my full name, I'm about to get a serious mouthful!.

'You did not fly all the way over there to back out now, so get your backside in the shower, make yourself look pretty and get over to your dads house, you NEED to do this or your gonna make yourself ill with worry. You need to beat this Bella, you can do this. Remember Im here for you and if you need me I'll even fly over there but Bella you need to do this, you need closure'.

How can she be so optimistic knowing what I'm about to face. I didn't want another argument so I just agreed with her, told her to stay put in the UK and that I would call her back when I got to Forks. I think I might need another pep talk before I actually go through the gates to my families house.

I said my good byes to Ang and jumped in the shower. My mind was all over the place, it took everything I had to just get on the plane to come here, this was definitely too much. What was I thinking? I know whats going to happen, they will turn me away without even hearing anything I have to say.

They wont want to know me, and even though in my heart I knew what I had done was completely despicable and they had every right to tell me this and tell me never to come back the thought still crushed me. I just wanted my daddy to hold me and tell me he loved me. But I knew that would never happen because I was dirty, tainted, a cold blooded killer.

I didn't deserve anyones love, pity or sympathy. All I deserved was to be scared and alone for the rest of my life.

So, what do we think? If I do happen to get anything wrong when it comes to America and that please feel free to correct me. Im from the UK so I might get a few things wrong.