a/n thanks for all the nice reviews people:) As promised, here is your update!


Chapter Two: Mother Fucking Zombie Slayer

"Dude, I still don't know why a bad-ass mother-fucker like you isn't getting laid!"

"Kiba," Shino buzzes wearily, "please—"

"I mean, whose genius idea was it to send paralyzing chakra bugs through the zombie lines in the last war? Yours! The official count—"

"One thousand, five-hundred and seventy six," Shino buzzes. "That's how many zombies my insects removed from the battlefield."

"Right man, right! And who tracked the Uchiha-no-bastard before he launched a sneak attack on our army? Whose tracking jutsu helped to predict Sasuke's movements in battle?" Kiba pauses expectantly.

"Mine," Shino mutters at last.

"I mean, I don't get it. You are the Zombie-Slayer! The mother-fucking—"

"I don't fuck my mother—"

"—Zombie-Slayer! What else did they call you? Uchiha-Bane?"

"Sharingan-Bane," Shino answers dolefully. "Where's your charming girlfriend?"

"Don't change the subject on me, Zombie-Slayer!" Kiba shouts. "You've got the hottest cousin—"

"Second cousin once removed—" Shino snaps.

"Whatever! She's hot! Your mom—"

"Is foisting her upon my person. Can you please finish with the clasp on my kimono? We're going to be late." While the Hokage had insisted on an "informal" wedding, Shino still prefers his formal kimono. For one, it is custom designed for him, with a high collar. For the other, it is jet-black silk, with his family emblem emblazoned along the hem. Simple, black, and helping to obscure his face: it meets all the requirements for tonight's festivities.

"Dude, you're not going to wear your sunglasses, are you?"

"Of course I am. Why would I not?"

Kiba sighs as he finishes with Shino's kimono. "This, my friend, is why you never get laid." The obstreperous ninja straightens his own charcoal gray suit, then smooths down his tie.

Shino just shakes his head. He has no interest in "getting laid," as Kiba so crassly puts it. He has his duties, his clan, his honor; he has no time for frivolity. "Kiba," Shino suddenly asks, "do you know who is escorting Lady Hinata to the wedding?"

Kiba simply shrugs. "She said she had it covered. Come on, I bet my girlfriend is downstairs talking to that hot-piece-of-ass cousin of yours." Before Shino can throw something sharp at his "friend," Kiba is already out the door.

Downstairs, Shino's mother is wearing one of the new fashioned dresses, a birthday-cake pink dotted with chartreuse butterflies. Beside her, his father's garb is a carbon-copy of his own traditional kimono. Shino shakes his head; how his father married his mother, he will never know. It seems like his mother would like him to repeat his father's mistake in match-making; she shoves Akemi to his side, her bright orange gown fluttering like a wind-blown flame with the motion. "You look great, Shino-kun!" Akemi beams.

Kiba snickers as he twines arms with his current girlfriend, a civilian girl whose chest is so large, Shino is sure she will fall face-first come a strong gale. Akamaru lays like a throw-rug at the girl's feet.

Shino's mother glares at him, and for a moment, he doesn't know why. Then, he remembers what he is supposed to say: "You look nice, Akemi-san."

Akemi titters at that. "I thought I told you to call me Akemi-chan!"

Her coquettish nature stings worse than a scorpion's bite. She begins babbling to him as they exit the house, hanging onto his arm like a tick. Shino grunts every once in a while to give her the impression that he is listening: in reality, his mind is far, far away.

Shino thinks back to what Kiba had said in his bedroom: why wasn't a "bad-ass mother-fucker," to phrase it in Kiba's parlance, not getting any female attention? Certainly his reputation and his increase in status within ANBU should appeal to most women?

He stifles a sigh, for he knows the answer only too well: only a kunoichi with a strong stomach or another insect-wielding shinobi would be able to tolerate his company. Shino eyes his parents before his gaze travels to the chirping bauble by his side. Perhaps this is why his father, stern patriarch of the Aburame clan, settled down with his more frivolous mother: desperation.

But Shino feels his gorge rise at this. Surely he is not doomed to wed his second cousin once removed just because he is out of options? Perhaps there are other cousins, less shallow than Akemi?

"…Isn't it funny, Shino-kun? There are so many guys in our clan, but I'm one of the very few Aburame kunoichi!"

Shino comes to with a start. "You are?" he asks, dazed.

"Yu-huh. Well let's see, besides me, there's Dari, but she's ten years your senior and has a mustache. Then there's Kunumari, but she's five years younger and she's only a genin; she'll probably stay a genin too, she's not very talented," Akemi shares in a whisper. "Then there's Shavari, but…well, she's criminally insane."

Shino gulps. "There's…no one else…?"

"Nope! That's it!" Akemi chimes blithely. It's all Shino can do to keep walking, because he has just lost all feeling in his extremities.

He is doomed, and Naruto's wedding is going to be his funeral. What is he going to do if Akemi catches the bouquet? Naruto had seen that particular ritual in a movie, and was adamant about including it; it was probably going to be the only traditional aspect of Naruto's wedding, never-mind that it wasn't traditional Kohonan. His mother shoots Shino a meaningful look, and it is then he knows that he is a dead man walking.

Shino walks in a daze to the reception area, a large field on the outskirts of the village. Spanning the field, there is a massive archway draped with paper lanterns, glowing with the muted colors of the rainbow. The full moon rises like a specter in the east, while the sun sinks low on the red horizon. Crepuscular creatures, like bats and hawks, swoop down on the outskirts of the clearing looking for mosquitoes and mice, respectively.

Somehow, Akemi manages to lead him their assigned seats. There is a spot next to him reserved for Hinata, who has not yet arrived. His shaded eyes sweep the field, ignoring Akemi's vapid chit-chat. There! Over on the western side of the field, he can see the Hyuga clan converging on the ceremony as if they are one unit; it reminds him of a plague of locusts with bleached, compound eyes.

"Oi! Hinata! Hinata-chan, over here, over here!" Kiba barks, waving like a lunatic. Shino resists the urge to smack his teammate, and instead waves silently. She is wearing the light lavender dress, and Shino smiles; she looks lovely in it. As she approaches, he can see her hair has been done up in a chignon and woven with baby-blue-eyes, a light blue wildflower.

Suddenly, Shino realizes that Hinata has come to the wedding alone—without a date. He is thankful the collar on his kimono is high so that he does not betray his surprise. Damn Kiba! Was he lying when he said that Hinata was taken care of? Or had Hinata hidden the truth from them on account of her pride?

Chagrined but outwardly placid, Shino swears that had he known, he would have insisted on taking Hinata as his date, and not just because it would have been a convenient excuse to escape Akemi's clutches. "Hinata-chan!" Kiba bellows, leaping out of his chair to give her a hug.

"Oi! C-careful K-kiba-kun!" she squeaks. "I'm wearing h-high h-heals!" She grins sheepishly as her teammate unhands her. "I had to use extra chakra on my feet, but I managed to walk all the way here without tripping."

Shino shakes his head. Why would Hinata wear such impractical footwear? She seems to divine what he is thinking, because she ventures, "Tenten insisted. And since I insisted on minimal make-up, the shoes had to stay." She takes her place beside Shino and smiles.

"Oh, hey Hinata-chan! You look lovely!" Shino's date chimes.

"N-not really—I mean… T-thank you, Akemi-chan. It must b-be the concealer! You look very beautiful yourself. And you, Tsubaki-chan," she says with a smile to Kiba's girlfriend. "You look lovely!"

The women begin chatting over his head, and Shino feels disoriented. It is like being a fly caught in the middle of a frog-filled pond; he can hear the sonorous croaking noises coming from all sides, and he is unsure of which way to fly without getting caught by a long tongue.

Thankfully, he doesn't have to wait long. Ino, her blonde hair in a cascade of tiny braids falling down her bare back, motions for quiet up on the dais. Her golden dress glitters with the movement. "Hey everybody! I'm the minister for today's ceremony! So be quiet, 'cause here comes the groom!"

The crowd is anything but quiet as Naruto, led by Kakashi and Iruka, travels down the aisle. There are hoots and hollers and barks and all kind of crude noises. Shino shakes his head; the Hokage's wedding is more like a rowdy night at the bar. Naruto displays his iconic, sheepish, shit-eating grin as he all but trots down the central aisle. Shino ignores Akemi's ooooooohs and aaaaaaaaaaaws and turns towards Hinata. Her eyes are as dry as shed cicada skins, and her lips are pinned back in a smile.

"Are you all right, Hinata-chan?" he whispers.

"Hmm," is her only reply.

Once Naruto takes his place on the platform, waving wildly to the crowd, Ino gestures for silence once more. "Pipe down! Here comes the bride, and you know she'll kick your behinds if you don't give respect!"

A hush falls over the crowd as Sakura approaches, though whether it is from reverence or fear of bodily harm, Shino is not sure. Sakura is led down the aisle by a misty-eyed Lady Tsunade. Sakura's long, pink wedding dress flows out behind her like cherry blossom petals on the wind, and Shino rolls his eyes. He hates the sentimentality of it all, but most of all, he is uncomfortable.

He chances another glance at Hinata, whose frozen smile and blank stare have not changed. Without thinking, he reaches out and puts his hand over hers; her skin is as cold as ice. She blinks at him before covering his hand with her other hand, and wordlessly nods her thanks.

The ceremony is a haze: Ino is quite the comedian/faux-priest, while Naruto and Sakura give each other syrupy sweet looks over the altar. Meanwhile, the crowd is either crying or laughing hysterically.

"Aw, they're just so sweet I could so die," Akemi mutters to Shino, wiping tears from her cheeks. "I wonder if we—I mean, if I'll ever be that happy."

"Whahaha, oh my god, Ino soooooo did not say that!" Kiba whimpers, his eyes tearing from laughter.

"Haha, I think she just did! Shazam!" Tsubaki titters.

Meanwhile, Shino cannot see or hear the wedding ceremony or its rambunctious audience; his field of vision tunnels in on Hinata: her trembling hands clutching his, her fake, taunt smile, her white eyes blank as mirrors. She shouldn't have come alone, he cries, inwardly. He glares accusingly at Tenten and Neji, who sit one row back; Tenten's gooey eyes are fixated on the wedding party, but Neji meets his gaze: I know, are all his pupiless eyes seem to communicate. But what the hell was I supposed to do?

"I now pronounce you man and wife!" Ino chimes, her termagant voice breaking Shino out of his silent staring conversation with Neji. The crowd raises to its feet and cheers; Shino winces from the impact of the noise. Hinata drops his hand and rises too, with the leaden movements of a mourner; she brings her hands together in a dull clap. "I'm h-happy for them," she mumbles, her voice all but enveloped by the roar of the crowd. "I'm r-really, t-truly h-happy for them."

"Me too," Shino lies. "Me too."


a/n Thanks for reading:) Remember, reviews=my undying love & affection:)