Chapter One.


I have become who I hope that you were
But I'd tear out my two eyes for one chance to bring you back here
It's not that far to the hospital
Just say you'll take me, and I'll be happy
The Hospital- And Then There Were None

My blood ran cold at the thought of not being with my family. At the thought of them suffering. At the thought that EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY WAS IN A CAR CRASH. I quickly rushed to the bathroom, throwing up. I stayed there for five minutes, just sobbing my heart out before I got a text that the driver was here. I quickly grabbed a tin of mints, my almost dead cell phone, and ran out of the hotel, whipping on some sunglasses so no one could see my bloodshot eyes and the tears.

Five hours later and no call, I'm wondering which he they don't think is going to make it. I'm running to the hospital doors now, prepared to see my family, the tears burning my eyes. I hold back a sob as the driver comes up behind me and begs the Nurse to show us where the Lyons family is. She nods her head grimly and leads us up the stairs, we walked in silence until we approached room B57. The nurse looked at us and said, "Your mother and father are in a stable condition, when the accident happened they happened to be in the front..."

That's not all I need to know! I yelled this at her, and she shifted the weight from one foot to the next. "Your brother... He... he doesn't have a high chance of surviving. The semi did a lot of damage, and hit him the most. They think he'll have until night or so."

My eyes widened, I could feel them instantly filling with tears, my vision blurring. My...my brother? A sob ripped through my body, and I fell to my knees. My brother, holy fucking shit, my brother! What did he do to the world? My breathing was getting faster and faster, my sobs getting louder, people were looking at me in the hallway, but I was too far gone to care. How could the world still be moving?! How could these people be living normal lives when my brother is dying? It was outrageous, sickening, and I wanted to tell them stop it. I wanted them to feel this! Why am I the only one suffering?

Wait... he still has a chance... I can still be with him. Nobody would kill my little brother, would they? God wouldn't take a boy who hasn't lived long enough to do anything wrong? I rushed past the nurse, into the room. There, in the very far corner was my brother, hardly looking like it. Tubes coming out of his nose, snaking around his body, and the color... he was too pale! He was practically white. "T-todd.." There was so much I wanted to say but couldn't. "I'm sorry." The worst part was knowing I caused this. "This is all my fault. If I hadn't keyed the damn car... You wouldn't be dyi...dying." The word was foul in my mouth, and my throat locked up when I tried to say it. I scrunched up my face, to stop from crying, knowing in me that he doesn't like when I cry.

"Claire." I heard the voice behind me, my parents voice, they were just fine, with the exception of a few cuts and my mom had a broken arm. I didn't say anything to them, just ran to them and cried my heart out.

-

Sometime later the doctor came in and told us that death was inescapable, mom and I started howling, and Dad was doing his best to not letting us see him cry. He also added that we should be glad that not all of us died. I promptly told him to shut the fuck up, he wasn't saying anything I cared about. I would have rather died than Todd, even though I wasn't even in the car.

Doesn't that seem fair? It is my fault that he's dying... Oh God, oh God, what should I tell my parents? My eyes widened even more, tears filling up, I fucked up big time. I wanted to get angry! I wanted to beat the shit out of Todd for getting in that car crash. I absolutely wanted to kill him (okay, poor choice of words) for doing this to me! We were like SBFF (secret best friends forever)! I felt the sobs coming out of me again, and I stifled them. My parents didn't have to see me like this.

Wait; lemme rephrase, they didn't want to see me like this.

But then again, this isn't about me. This is about death, this is about loss, this is about wishing it were you instead. It hurts me to know that Mom and Dad are probably blaming themselves for the crash, despite it being my fault. If I hadn't keyed the car, Todd would have came home with me, if he had come home with me he wouldn't have been in this crash. Then, and only then, did I fully realize the impact of my mistakes. Just because I had to be a fucking bitch and get revenge I killed my brother. I felt like vomiting again. The worst thing was wanting to be there with him, be in his room, but feeling too guilty to even walk into the room, which explained where I was now, inside the bathroom stalls, the sobs from me echoing around the room. I don't even know how awkward that makes people feel if they pull open the door. I don't care.

After a little bit my sobbing stopped, my breathing still heavy. I heard the door open up and as I looked through the slits in the door, I could see it was two nurses. "Did you hear about the boy in B57? That just breaks my heart." It was the nurse in the stereotypical green/blue scrubs. Well, she doesn't even want to know how much it breaks my heart.

"Oh, don't I know. Did you know his sister isn't even in there with him? She left him. When he's dying, how insensitive!" I bit my lip to stop from crying, I knew I was being weak staying here instead of being in my brothers room, but did you really have to remind me?

-

At 10:00 the doctors were considering it a miracle that my brother is still alive, I had returned to the room, but my eyes are shut tight, and I can still here the beeping of the machine as it breaths for my brother.

At 10:11 They think they might be able to save him if he can just last until morning.

At 10:15, my brother dies. My younger brother, my family, dies. Just taken away from me, my whole life changed in less then a day. Is that possible? Is it really possible that God would do this to someone? I was the only one who wasn't crying. Truth be told, I was done crying. So totally and completely over it. I'm too busy realizing what a bitch I am too people! It took the death of my brother to realize that I am a truly terrible person. If I hadn't been so set on revenge... W-wait. Am I... Am I a murder? Does this count as murder? Why oh, God, why?

-

It is currently the next day, and, no, it was not a dream. My parents had all been allowed off work until they felt they were okay to come back. I don't even know if my mom works, but whatever. I didn't really get out of bed much. I just stayed in bed for about six hours, switching positions every two.

Do you know how much I hate the sun? A lot. It is just pissing me off. It's bright, it's happy, I don't want to be bright and happy, so just piss off, sun. God. Oh Lord, I'm going off on a sun.

Am I supposed to tell my parents about the keying thing? Will they blame me? Am I to blame from this? Ugh, I am starting to think Todd got off lucky, y'know, dying. Then I can't believe I said that, and I wish I could slap myself. Some people are normal, some people are sick. Guess I'm the last one.

I was currently at the hotel all by myself, my parents were out doing who knows what. But I couldn't get this out of my head, I was to blame for Todd's death, but should I tell my parents? I mean, how much would it hurt them? Was it really the right thing to do when it would hurt them so much?

I have decided that the second my parents get home I would tell them... maybe. I chewed on my lip, wondering if it was what I should do. I didn't have much more time to think because soon after I heard the sound of a door being pushed open. I rolled myself off the bed and walked to my Mom who was shaking rain off her leather jacket. "Hey, Mom..."

"Hey, Claire. I just talked to the school... You're scheduled to start two days from now. I had to talk to them about... Todd so it's all taken care of." My mom gave me a sad smile. "The school is pretty, though. Your brother would have loved it, you know how loves... loved fountains."

I tried to laugh but my throat was dry. "Mom, I have to talk to you about Todd." My voice cracked when I tried to say his name. My heart was pounding, wondering if I could really do this to my mom. I could tell from her red rimmed eyes that she had been crying in the car and she was trying to be strong for me. "Mom, you know how Todd keyed the car?"

My mom's face was blank and she was just staring at me, probably wondering why I wanted to bring this up. "W-well... he didn't. I keyed the car because I was mad he caught me." I paused, squeezing my eyes shut, not wanting to look at my mom as I said this last part. "If I hadn't done that, Todd would have come with me, and wouldn't have been in the car." I was now, looking down at the floor I heard a shuffling noise before looking up with worried eyes and see my mom getting up from her spot and heading into her room, shutting the door as quietly as possible.

The feeling in my gut told me what I just did was a mistake.

-

Mom stayed in her room for the rest of the day and dad didn't come home until 11:00, and I could smell alcohol on him. I didn't say anything as I watched him stubble and kick off his shoes in the general direction of the shoe pile. He shrugged off his jacket and opened the room he shared with mom. He stood there for a few seconds before he screamed. Possibilities were running through my mind and I jumped off the couch running to my dad. There he was gasping, his face turning white his body obstructing my view into the room. I shrugged past him and saw something else I caused.

My mom was laying spread across the bed, in one hand a some cheap alcohol and in the other an empty bottle of pills. I screamed and passed out.

-

I woke up on the couch once again with a thick, itchy blanket thrown over me and a pillow. It was 3 o'clock in the morning and there were police in the apartment. One was talking to dad, tossing around words like suicide. Dad was crying, rubbing his head, and I noticed that in two days he looked a lot older. I looked at myself, what do I look like now? As bad as my dad? ....As bad as my mom? Oh, right. She's dead. I killed her, too, didn't I? I sighed, finding it not in me to cry. I guess in a way, it's not like me. I was the strong one, well now I would have to be.

My thoughts were interrupted as I heard someone call my name. I looked in their direction, my silvery blond hair partially covering my view. I shook it out of the way and said, "yeah?". It was a police man and he handed me a note.

"Can you explain this? It was left by your mom that we found." I was considering the possibilities and I'm sure my face turned white (or green) as I took the note. It was written on those little pads of papers hotels give you, the name proudly declaring a St. Regis logo. On it was something that would probably haunt me for the rest of my life, if I had to guess.

Blame Claire.

Oh my God.

I feel like throwing up and I have to swallow repeatedly before I can feel better. I just keep gasping, wondering what had happened to my life. What am I supposed to say? I decide to do one thing, praying that my years of acting in school plays will pay off. "I-i... I have no idea what she's talking about." Then I put my head into my hands sniffling and whimpering loudly despite the fact that my eyes feel as dry as always.

The police officer pats my shoulder and says, "It's okay kid, you can make it through this." Then he walks away, calling the other police officers out of the hotel, no more work for them to do here. I didn't even talk to dad though I could see him glaring at me. He's probably read the letter.

-

I don't wake up again until 2'o clock in the afternoon, I don't feel like getting up but I don't feel like staying in this confined hotel. I step out of the comfy nest that is my couch, thinking of everything but what had happened in the last two days, I felt like my mind would cave in. I slid into my room, and looked at the clothes I had bought for school. Tch, one more day until I have to go to school. Joy. I guess it kind of is a good thing. It'll give me something else to think about, right? Right. I then pulled open my closet, and looked at the clothes, I ripped some dark skinny jeans off the hanger, pulling them up my legs before grabbing a yellow tank with a sun and a rainbow on it, then grabbing my tight pink sweater over that. I reached over to my old pants and retrieved my credit card out of it. A little retail therapy never hurt anyone.