Chapter 2 - Confession
I awoke to the shrill sound of my phone ringing, I rolled onto my side willing it to stop. I even hid my head under the pillow but the sound crept through the duck down. Sighing I sat and reached for the phone.
"Hello?" I croaked. My throat felt sore, I assumed that I had been snoring.
"Hello, am I speaking to Jason Reso?" The female voice asked.
"Yeah..."
"Oh hi, Jason, it's Lilian. We have a meeting in about... a couple of hours, are you still coming by?" She asked me. If I wasn't mistaken I could hear a smile in her voice. Was she laughing at me?
"Err... Yeah... Yes, I am," I answered, feeling slightly self-conscious.
"Good, I'll see you later then, Jason," she said and hung up the phone before I could say anything.
I groaned and got out of bed. I walked into the bathroom and felt disgusted with myself for what I had done last night. The blood on the wall had dried a dark red, I winced and tried to ignore the angry red letters and jumped into the shower. The water was scorching hot, so hot that it felt as though it was burning my skin from my body. I liked the pain, it gave me something to take my mind off of my mental instability. After I had washed my hair and body, I dried myself and my way beck into my bedroom and over to my closet, choosing my clothes, which consisted mostly of black... Black reflects my mood and my life perfectly.
My life...
I thought about Lilian and how she was going to ask questions that I didn't feel comfortable with answering. I really didn't want to answer anything that she had to ask me. I guess I didn't want to feel exposed. The thought of opening up to a stranger made my skin crawl and feel nauseous. I'm hoping that she doesn't start asking me about my sexuality again... or maybe I should make it a point to tell her that I think I'm bi-sexual... if that's what I really am. Why can't things just be simple? Why can't I be normal?
Sighing, I sat on the edge of my bed. My dark mood had crept up on me again. I looked at my bathroom and saw the razor glinting on the side of the sink, teasing me. I walked back into the bathroom and picked the razor up. It looked like the razor had won this battle.
I cleaned my arm with an antiseptic wipe and wrapped it in a bandage. This was something that Lilian wouldn't know about. I won't tell her, I won't tell her anything.
Not bothering to get anything to eat, I grabbed my car keys and left the house. The drive to Lilian's office didn't take long. I sat staring at the large building for a shirt while, trying to will myself to go in. I smacked the steering wheel with both hands and got slowly out of the car, walking towards the building I suddenly had a feeling of emptiness come over me. I wanted to be back in my bathroom with the razor blade. I felt like crying as I was walking down the corridor to Lilian's office, I opened the door without knocking and there she was, sitting behind her desk looking as beautiful as ever.
I was suddenly aware that I was staring at her. Her golden blonde hair was pulled back into a pony tail, and she was wearing a pale pink shirt. She looked at me quizzically.
I want you so bad...
Whoa! Where the fuck did that come from? I'm not supposed to be thinking about her like that! She's... She's my therapist, and I'm supposed to be gay. It somehow amuses me that she won't ever return these feelings. Are they really feelings? Or am I attracted to her because she's nice to me, not to mention easy on the eye? Lilian's too perfect; she would never go for a loser like me anyway. Lilian probably has a perfect house, perfect husband, a perfect life. Then there's me... LOSER! Still, she is beautiful.
"Hey Jason," she said with a smile.
"Hi," I replied quietly, ashamed that I was having these thoughts about her.
"Come on in." Lilian motioned for me to sit on the couch. I closed the door and headed to the couch resuming the position I had the previous day. I was feeling doubly nervous even though I had yet to say anything exposing... yet. I looked out of the window and saw a group of kids playing soccer. I always wondered why I was never a normal kid like that.
"Jason?" Lilian's voice cut across my thoughts, she startled me and I physically jumped. "Are you ok, Jason?"
I nodded and looked away from her.
"Ok. So like yesterday, I'm going to ask you some questions. Feel free to say anything, absolutely anything at all," she said soothingly. I nodded again, this time I looked up at her, she had a kind, encouraging smile on her face. "So Jason, you say that you're gay?"
"Err... I'm not sure..." I answered quietly.
"You're not sure?"
"No..."
"Well... Have you had any relationships with men in that past?" Lilian asked, I could hear her writing out conversation down.
"Yes... But also with women."
"So you're bi-sexual?"
I shrugged. "I guess..."
"I'm sorry to ask these questions, Jason. I just need to get to know you a little better. You're a pretty hard nut to crack," she smiled. "Jason, did you have any sexual encounters with those men?"
The questions were beginning to hit me hard. I close my eyes and suddenly I feel defeated.
Don't tell her, Jase. Don't expose yourself, don't give in to her. You know she doesn't really care...
"Yes..." I answer reluctantly. Damn Lilian and her kind smile, damn her to hell! "Yeah, I had a boyfriend once; we were really in love..." I stopped myself from saying anymore.
"Jason?" Lilian asked. "Jason, what happened?"
She must have known that I was feeling quite distressed because she left her desk and sat on the other end of the couch. I could see her hands twitching in her lap, she didn't know whether or not to reach out to me. I stared at her, her gorgeous eyes filled with genuine worry and before I could stop myself I began to sob. She finally plucks up courage to touch me and I push her hand away, just like I had pushed everyone else in my life away. Her eyes never left mine.
"He... He, r-raped m-me! Are you happy now?!" I shout at her. Lilian looked back at me with a look of shock and concern written on her face.
"Tell me what happened. Why did he do it?" she asked quietly, now looking away from me.
"I don't know! I was at his house waiting for him to come home... We were going to watch a movie..." I mumbled. "When he came home he was angry, he wouldn't tell me why. It didn't seem to matter that I was worried about him or how many times I asked, he just wouldn't tell me. He just kept on hitting me, and I never fought back... And then..." The tears ran down my cheeks and I let out a loud sob. I finally let go and cried hard into my hands. Lilian made no movements; she just let me carry on with my story.
"H-he apologized to me over and over again... and then I found him dead in his bed," I said sniffing. "Heroin overdose..."
Lilian finally got up and pulled me into her arms. "It's ok, Jason. It really is. He's not here anymore, he won't hurt you. I've got you, no one will hurt you while I'm around, I promise you."
I loved the sound of her voice, it was so soothing. My feelings were so wrong, but they felt so right.
You've failed, Jason. You've exposed yourself to her. Now you'll end up paying for your actions...
"NO!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I pushed Lilian away and she fell on her on her ass. "NO!" I screamed again and ran from the room. I ignored Lilian as she called my name and ran out to my car to drive home.
I would never, NEVER go back there ever again. I had exposed myself to someone that I didn't even know. I DON'T KNOW HER!!!
I tore the bandages off of the healing cuts on my arms, and scratched at them until they began to bleed again, I suddenly felt better. When I arrived at my house I got out of my car. Before I got to the door I collapsed and saw darkness, only hearing that rain pounding down on top of me.
Thanks to Lauren, Tina, wrestlefan4, JeffHardyLover21 and loves-boy-slash for reviewing the last chapter.
I'll start chapter 3 tomorrow so it should be up by Monday.
Loves ya!
Angel
xoxo
