Like a well oiled slinky I slunk back from the hospital wing after a jolly good seeing to by the rambunctious Madame pomfrey. Ooh that woman really did tickle my Bertie bott's every flavour beans.
By the time I had got out it was nearly dinner time. I went to the great hall and sat down with my fellow Gryffindorites and stared solemnly into my cup. I was so depressed I just wanted to be left alone. I sighed loudly and everyone turned to look at me.
"Hey Harry are you ok?" said Hermeon worriedly, touching a bruise on my face I had gotten from when the vicious Neville tackled me brutally and horribly.
"Yeah I'm fine I just don't want to talk about it okay!" I shouted. I smacked her hand away from my face. She definitely fancies me, I thought.
"Well alright, I'll give you some space but I'm here if you need me ok Harry," she replied. What a bitch, I thought. I kept looking into my cup and making depressed noises waiting for more annoying people to ask me how I was.
"Wow Harry you look awful, what's up?" asked Ron (who had just sat down) in a concerned manner.
"You wouldn't understand," I said resignedly and didn't look at him. The food suddenly appeared on the table magically. I only ate one chicken wing and a bit of mash and some gravy. I could barely even touch my treacle tart. People tried to strike up conversations with me but I didn't reply, I just glared at them with my unfeeling eyes. Bunch of arseholes really, they would never know my pain. All I could think about was the embarrassment with Malfoy and the humiliating beating Neville had given me.
Whilst everyone ate dessert I coughed loudly and then got up and left, staring sadly at the ground as I walked away from their cheery meal. I went slowly so I could make sure they were talking about me before I got to the corridor.
Suddenly I looked at my watch. Omg! I thought. For it was nearly 8 o'clock already. Snape would be waiting!…
I ran to the dungeon as fast as my knobbly kneed legs could carry me. Upon thinking this I became a little sad, I had never liked my knees….I bet snape had perfect, peachy knees. Oh crap, Harry Junior was stirring and I had barely reached the dungeon door! I calmed him down with dark thoughts of Dumbledore's overgrown toenails, even though in my heart I knew that was a lie – I bet Dumbledore had fantastic toenails.
Anyways, after I had finally composed myself I knocked on the door of the dungeon. "Enteeeeeeer" I heard Snape's cold, sexy drawl; it washed over my ears like toasty warm butterbeer. I pushed open the door with a trembling hand.
"Professor Snape, I'm here for my–" I breathed in sharply, relishing the word I was about to say "detention". Snape gave an ambiguous little tremble. Ooh lah lah….. Yet he avoided my eye contact. Galloping Buckbeaks! I felt like he was toying with me! "Potter" Said Snape. "for your insolence you must clean out my cauldron." He gestured to a dark, glistening cauldron that stood on the table. Was that all he had to say? Snape was rejecting me, I couldn't believe it. I felt proper angsty.
Things had not turned out in the way I had hoped. I eyed a jar in the corner of the room that might have been Snape's man milk. What if he had brought it especially for me? Ah if only, as I then spotted a label on the jar that read "Flobberworm milk". Gutted.
I had to clean the cauldron nonetheless, so I begun, trying to hide my emotions while I scrubbed. About two minutes in the cauldron was covered in thick black foam and the cleaning was becoming pretty tough. I let out a small grunt from the strain, at which point Snape looked up for the first time. "Your technique is lacking Potter" he said coldly. Omg jeez, I thought… what was he like? I adjusted my technique slightly, scrubbing with two hands instead of one. "Yes, that's it Potter. Back and forth"
I could feel snapes laser-like gaze, gazing into the back of my head like lasers. I felt my skin prickle like the prickliest of cactus's heads as i continued rubbing furiously at the caldron infront of me.
Suddenly i imagined the cauldron infront of me to be something different. Something very different. Harry junior was humming down below. I continued to manhandle the object in my minds eye, taking care to rub over every inch of the soft yet hard clyindrical object. It felt like a snake, i thought to myself how very fitting. I allowed myself a small smile at my witty internal monologue. I could feel the blood pounding through it, similar to my own state. Harry junior appeared to be having a full out fiesta in my pants. Muy bien.
But wait! Oh my cheesy jezzus! I has been so wrapped up in imagining i has been rubbing the part of snape which appeared so frequently in my dreams it seemed i had infact moved over to where snape stood and begun rubbing the part of him which appeared so frequently in my dreams! Oh merlin's sagging ballsack! I stopped, my hands still wrapped around snape, and closed my eyes praying for a giant hole to swallow me up. On this train of thought i began imagining Snapes hole …. mmmm.. NO HARRY JUNIOR THIS IS NOT THE TIME!
The room was silent for what seemed like hours, however i later concluded it had actually been around 15 seconds. After the awkward turtles had done their celebratory lap of the dungeon and dissaparated to the great awkward turtle crib in the sky, i gathered enough gryffindor courage to look snape in the eye. Singular eye as i had not been able to gather that much gryffindor courage.
At this point snape addressed me, his voice flowing out of the mouth like milky honey. mmmm milk. mmmmm honey. mmmmmm snape's mouth. "Potter, please take your hands off of my neck." Merlin's man tits! Not only had a embarassed myslef infront of Snape, possibly the sexiest man on the planet! But i had let slip my greatest secret of all. Yes I, Harry James Potter, the boy who lived, has a kinky and unyielding fetish for necks. Oh the shame! Snape's milky man voice broke through my thoughts,
"As i said potter, please take your hands off my neck." I hurridly obliged, "And put them on my man rod, if you would be so kind." My head snapped up and this time, with the gryffindor lion roaring in my chest, i looked into both his eyes.
