"Gaara? Gaara, are you still there? Please say something. I am sorry, I should not have..." Lee trailed off, and his chest tightened. Gaara was gone. Lee had pushed him too far. He took his headphones off; they slipped from his numb fingers and fell to the desk.
Tears blurred his vision, and he rubbed one sleeve across his eyes. He wondered if he'd ever have a chance to speak to Gaara again, or if he'd lost Gaara's fragile trust for good.
He closed his eyes and slumped in the chair. His lower back throbbed and burned. He started to reach for his bottle of pain pills, then stopped. The pills fogged his mind and made him drowsy. He wanted to stay awake awhile longer in case Gaara came back online. Just in case.
Lee picked at his fish-sticks-one of the few things, fortunately, that Gai couldn't screw up. But tonight Lee didn't have much of an appetite. After a few minutes of nibbling in silence, he looked up. "Gai?" His foster father paused with a fork halfway to his mouth and looked across the kitchen table at him. Lee fiddled with his spoon. "What do you do when a friend is mad at you? How do you make it better?"
Gai set his fork down on his plate, looking at Lee. The dark circles underneath his eyes were worse than they usually were, and the small, twitchy movements of his hands were a familiar sign of nervousness. Gai thought the question over, carefully choosing his words. "It depends on what happened," he answered finally, "And what type of person the friend is. But the first and most important thing, if you've done something to upset a friend, is to apologize."
"I did. Or I tried, anyway." Lee stared down at his plate. "But now he will not talk to me at all. And I do not know how to get in touch with him. I guess there is nothing I can do until he contacts me again...if he ever does." Then he shook his head, dismissing the doubt. "He will, I am sure. I just have to be patient." He looked up at the concerned, puzzled expression on Gai's face and forced a smile. "I am sorry, I do not mean to be like this. I am fine, really."
"Lee…" Gai reached across the table, covering his foster son's hand with his own, and squeezed gently. "I know that you're hurting. You don't have to pretend you're not." He paused for a moment, looking into Lee's dark eyes. They were always so earnest, giving away his emotions even when he tried to hide them behind a smile, and the uncertainty he saw there made Gai's heart ache. "Is this about the boy you've been talking to at night?"
Lee nodded. "Gaara." He paused. "I think I hurt him. I kept talking to him about things he did not want to talk about. And now he has not spoken to me for a week. I feel terrible. Like I have done something very bad. Like he will not trust me anymore now, and it is my fault."
Gai squeezed Lee's fingers again, comforting through touch. He knew that it helped; when Lee had first come to live with him, he'd seemed so desperate for even the smallest contact or praise. He was stronger, now, more independent. But then there'd been the injury… and even though they both kept up strong, determined faces about it, he knew it bothered Lee. He'd been relieved when Lee had found someone to talk to at night, something to focus on other than his own pain. "If he cares about you as much as you care about him, then he'll come back. I don't know what happened, but I know that you meant well, Lee."
Lee smiled, and the ache in his chest eased a little. "Thank you," he said quietly. Gai could always make him feel better with just a word or a touch...and that warm, reassuring smile seemed to promise that somehow, everything would be all right. Still, a knot of tension and worry remained lodged deep inside him. He wished he at least knew if Gaara was all right. If Gaara despised him and never wanted to talk to him again, he could accept that, if only he knew that Gaara would be all right. But he kept remembering the pain in that voice, the fear, the ragged breathing. He found himself wanting to be in that moment again so he could do things differently; so he could soothe away that pain, find the words to calm Gaara's troubled soul. But Lee had never been good with words. That, more than anything, was why he wanted to meet Gaara. So he could do more than talk to him. So he could look into his eyes, hold him, feel that rapid breathing slow.
Gai smiled. "You're welcome, Lee." He let go of Lee's hand, but his gaze still lingered on Lee's face. "Sometimes, it can help to talk about it," he said quietly. "I won't press you for details, but if you want to talk about it, I am here."
Lee hesitated. "It is just...Gaara is all alone," he said. "At least, that is what it seems like. He keeps saying that he does not need anyone. But I think he is just scared. I think something horrible happened to him. I want to show him that not everyone is out to hurt him. But it seems like whenever I start getting closer, he starts pulling away."
"Sometimes, the best way to show someone something like that is by just being there." Gai fell quiet for a moment, glancing down, then a somewhat wry smile tugged at his lips. "You've met my sparring partner. From what you've told me about this Gaara, I think they might be similar. It took years for Kakashi to actually admit that we were rivals, much less friends. At first I didn't know what to do, so I charged forward with youthful determination to overcome his barriers." His smile turned a bit rueful. "That didn't work too well. I had to find a balance between letting him be the one to come to me, and pushing enough to keep him from closing off."
"But how do you find that balance?" Lee asked. "How do you know how far to go, and how far is too far?"
"By making mistakes, and learning from them," Gai answered. "He will talk to you again. I'm certain of it. And now, going forward, you will know that what happened was pushing too much." He paused. "If he is all alone, and you're right about something bad happening, then it makes sense that he would be withdrawn. I think that you are doing a good thing by trying to be his friend."
The tension eased out of Lee's shoulders. "I am glad," he said quietly and smiled...a more genuine smile this time.
He finished off his dinner, washed his plate, and said, "I think I am going to go check and see if he is online. Just in case." Of course, it was earlier than their usual time, so it was unlikely that Gaara would be on yet, even if he had decided to start talking to Lee again. But still, Lee wanted to be there. He would wait for Gaara...as long as necessary.
It'd been a week and a half since the last time they'd spoken. Not that Gaara had been counting, or that he'd noticed Lee wasn't there. Or rather, that he wasn't there. He didn't know if Lee was there or not, and it didn't matter anyway. Gaara's lips tightened into a thin line and he dropped his fourth cigarette butt in a row off the balcony, then tapped another out of the pack without bothering to check where the butt had fallen. He struck the lighter and sucked in, but he knew it wouldn't do any good. The nicotine only took the edge off.
If Lee just hadn't said those things, then everything would be fine. He could've handled Lee looking at him as a friend. Lee thought of everyone as friends. Gaara was fairly certain that the squirrel Lee had babbled excitedly about the night before that conversation counted as one of Lee's friends. It wasn't a big deal.
I am glad I found you.
Gaara let out a frustrated sigh, fingers tightening on the cigarette until it broke. He dropped it on the balcony, and- before he could change his mind- headed inside. It took too long for his laptop to boot up. Lee wasn't even necessarily there. It was four in the morning, long past when he usually showed up. If Lee had been waiting for him.
But when he signed on, Gaara saw the familiar username there. He stared at it for a moment, then sat back to wait.
When Lee saw Gaara's username pop up on the screen, his breath caught and his heart stuttered. For a moment, he couldn't move. He just stared, half-convinced that he was seeing things, that the name would vanish at any moment. Then-with shaking fingers-he began to type.
Hello, Gaara. How are you? He thought about typing I've missed you, but decided against it, even though it was true and he was burning with the desire to say it. Because saying things like that was what had gotten him in trouble in the first place. Because for some reason, Gaara was frightened by the idea that someone cared about him. So Lee took a deep breath, sat back, and waited for a response.
Gaara leaned back, just looking at the message for a moment. He thought about replying, looking at the white box void of text, then let his fingers rest against the slick keys.
You're up late.
So are you. Lee hesitated, chewing his lower lip, wondering what he should say-or type, rather-what the right words were. And in an instant he knew he was going to say it, even though he'd decided not to. I missed you. For awhile I was worried that you would not come back. I am sorry if I said things that upset you before.
You said you would. It was the only part of Lee's statement that Gaara bothered replying to, and he felt a mix of frustration and something he couldn't put his finger on. Something soothing, that eased the ache where nothing else had. That only made the frustration increase. Gaara's lips twitched. Have you been waiting for me? It seemed like just the kind of thing Lee would do.
Yes. He hesitated another moment, then typed, Since 9:00 this evening.
Gaara had expected that answer. The same mixture of satisfaction and frustration flared. For a moment he considered signing off. It'd be easy enough to do; all he had to do was click twice and it'd be done. No more strange feelings, no more of Lee pushing too much, no more naïve stubbornness and declarations of friendship.
But Lee had missed him. Waited for him, far earlier than their normal time, and far later, too. If he left now, he wondered, how many nights would Lee spend in front of a computer screen before he finally gave up? It's not good for your back to sit up for so long, he replied finally.
At those words, warmth suffused Lee's chest. It was an admission of concern-an indirect one, of course, but Gaara never spoke about his feelings, so even that was unusual for him.
I am fine, really. I took breaks to stretch or lie down when I needed it. But I wanted to make sure I was here if you came online. Do you want to talk on Skype again?
For a moment he wondered if he'd pushed too far, if Gaara was really ready for that yet...but Lee had been aching to hear his voice.
Fine. It was an impulsive answer more than anything, and Gaara pulled his headset into place. He brought Skype up and double-clicked on Lee's username before he could respond on IM, and when the feed went live, smoothly cut off any greetings. "If your cord is long enough, go lie down." Where the statement could have sounded caring from another person, Gaara delivered it in a harsh, flat monotone.
"Okay." Lee fumbled with his microphone and headphone cords, grabbed his crutch and slowly made his way over to the bed, wincing with every step. Despite what he'd told Gaara, sitting upright for hours had taken its toll on him; pain shot up his spine and cramped his muscles, and his breathing grew ragged and heavy. He stretched out on the bed, on his back, and closed his eyes, the headphones still covering his ears. "I am lying down now."
Gaara exhaled a low, slightly toned breath- as close as he got to an annoyed sigh. It was easier to be annoyed by Lee than to focus on why the pain in his voice made him feel irritated in the first place. "You shouldn't do stupid things like that."
"I cannot help it." Lee smiled slightly. He was beginning to understand that irritation was Gaara's version of concern. And anyway, hearing annoyance in his voice was better than hearing no emotion at all. His back spasmed again, and he choked back a cry. "Let me just...catch my breath." He waited a moment for the pain to subside-or rather, to become a bit more tolerable-and said, "So what have you been doing this week? How have you been?"
Though he knew the gesture wouldn't be seen, Gaara shrugged. "Not much." It was common for him to be chary with details, preferring instead to let Lee ramble on and reply to his statements. But that wasn't as much of an option when Lee was in as much pain as he was. Gaara looked out the window, fingertips idly resting on the edge of his laptop. "I saw my therapist again today." He paused. "She asked about you. I told her we weren't talking. She asked why."
Lee's eyes widened slightly. Gaara had mentioned his therapist once or twice before, but he'd never said why he went to one or what went on during their sessions. And of course, Lee hadn't asked, since it was none of his business. It had never occurred to Lee that Gaara might talk about him at all. Though he considered Gaara a friend, he wasn't at all sure that Gaara felt the same way about him...or that he thought about him much at all. He knew he probably shouldn't ask, but the question slipped out before he could stop it: "And what did you say?"
"I didn't answer her." He was quiet for a long time. "She said the same things you did. About needing people, and being alone not being enough. Not being good enough."
"And what do you think about that?" Lee asked quietly. "Do you still feel the same way? I mean...the same as you did last time we spoke? Or..." He bit his lower lip.
There was a slight scrape of cloth against the microphone as Gaara shifted on the bed, knees drawing up against his chest. "I don't need you," he answered. "I don't." He spoke quietly, without the pain those words had been uttered with in their prior conversation, but a hint of uncertainty lurked beneath them. "You're not my friend, and I don't need you."
Disappointment ached in Lee's chest. But even so...Gaara had talked about Lee with his therapist. Didn't that mean he thought about him sometimes? He had come back online to talk to Lee. Didn't that fact mean something, too?
"Even so," Lee said, "I want to be here for you." He paused, thinking. He should probably change the subject. If they pursued this conversation any further he'd end up scaring Gaara off again. Maybe now was a good time to tell him the news. "There is a famous surgeon who just opened up a practice nearby. Dr. Tsunade. She is very expensive, and it is difficult to get an appointment, but...Gai says if I go to her, she will take a look at my back, and if she agrees to perform a surgery on me, I may be able to walk without a crutch again. I may be able to play again." He was trying not to get his hopes up. There were too many ifs. If he could get an appointment, if they could afford the surgery. But still, it was the first true ray of hope Lee had had since the accident.
Gaara went still, listening to the words. Despite Lee's obvious attempts to keep his voice level, he could hear the hope beneath it. Thin and fragile, but there. Unnamed emotions surged in Gaara's chest, and his breath fell short and shallow. "Are you going to try and see her?" he asked, despite knowing the answer. Of course he would. Lee would do anything to get better.
"Yes," Lee said. "I want to be whole again. I want it more than anything." His throat thickened, and his voice caught. He swallowed and closed his eyes. "I want to be free of this pain. But...I am afraid to hope. Afraid it will be taken away. I...no, I should not think like that. I must believe that she will take me as a patient and that she will fix me. I do believe that."
Gaara was silent for a long time, thinking about those words and the desperation in Lee's voice- the pained hitch to his breathing, the way he'd nearly been incapable of something as simple as walking to his bed- and the knowledge that Lee's current pain was born out of worry for him. Emotions swirled and mixed in his chest. He felt angry, almost betrayed, at the idea of Lee being better.
Lee had said that he wanted to be there for Gaara, but that wouldn't happen if he was better. There'd be no more need for late-night conversations. Lee would return back to his normal, happy life. Gaara remembered the photograph, and Lee's bright smile. "What happens after the surgery?" he asked, a touch of hoarseness to his voice.
"What happens after?" Lee repeated, puzzled by the rough note in Gaara's voice. "Well...there will probably be a recovery period. And then, hopefully, I will be back to normal. Back to the way I was. I will be able to play soccer and go to school again."
Gaara stared with blank eyes out the window, pupils contracting slightly in reaction as the first faint tinge of false dawn lightened the sky. He could stop it. He knew that he could. All it would take was a single phonecall, and the sliver of hope would be cut off. He wondered how Lee would react, if he knew Gaara was considering that. If he'd still call him his friend, knowing exactly how selfish he was. "You want that," he said quietly, more to himself than to Lee.
"Yes," Lee repeated, confused. He hadn't expected Gaara to be jumping for joy at the news, but he had thought...well, he didn't know what. But he hadn't expected this. Gaara seemed almost disturbed. Why? "Is...is anything wrong?"
"Nothing is wrong," Gaara replied, an edge of harshness to his normal monotone. Pale green eyes flickered over to his laptop. The screen had long ago gone dark. The frustrated tension in his chest mounted with every second of silence that ticked by. He hated that Lee could make him feel this way; he hated that Lee could make him feel at all. "I should go."
"Gaara, please don't," Lee blurted out. His chest tightened, and his breathing quickened. He'd waited for so long to talk to Gaara. What if he disappeared again? He couldn't bear that-waiting, wondering if his friend would ever come back. "Please...stay and talk to me a little longer?"
Gaara was silent for a long minute. He wanted to leave, but something about the pleading note in Lee's voice stopped him. He should go, he told himself. It'd be easiest. Cut the feed now. Make the call in the morning to get him in the door. Then Lee would be better. He'd be normal, and he'd have no more need for Gaara, no desire to invade his life. But he was too selfish for that.
"I want you." The words were harsh, dragged out of him, coarse and ugly. "I don't need you. But I want you."
Lee's eyes widened, and his heartbeat sped. The words sent a jolt of electricity through him. I want you. He gulped, his pulse drumming just below his jaw. Could Gaara possibly mean that the way it sounded? No. No, and Lee was wrong for even thinking such a thing. Gaara meant...he wanted Lee as a friend. Yes. Of course. "I want you too. I mean..." He paused, biting his lower lip, his face flushing hotly. "I want to be..." No, he wasn't supposed to use the word friend around Gaara. "I want to keep talking to you. I want...to be a part of your life."
"You won't," Gaara answered. The starkness was still present in his voice, hollow and raw. "You do now, but you won't."
Lee's mouth had gone dry, and his chest was so tight it was getting hard to draw a full breath. He had hurt Gaara again. He didn't understand how, but he could hear the pain in that voice. "What are you talking about, Gaara? I do not understand."
"You're going to leave. You'll get the surgery, and everything will be normal again, and you'll leave," Gaara said slowly. His fingers tightened on the loose fabric of his pants, twisting it between them. "Why do I care?" The question was soft, barely a whisper, and wouldn't have been caught if the microphone wasn't nearly touching his lips.
"Leave? You think...Gaara, no! I will still be your friend after the surgery." He winced as the word left his lips, remembering at the last moment that he'd promised not to say that word anymore...but he plunged ahead. "Nothing has to change between us. We can still talk together like this. Every night, if you like. I promise nothing will change."
He listened to the words, hearing the worry in Lee's voice, but they didn't touch the knot coiled tightly in his chest. "I don't believe you," he whispered. "You'll leave. Just like he did, you'll leave and- don't lie to me, stop lying to me, stop saying things you don't mean." His voice grew steadily louder, panic lacing the words, and his breath came in shallow, ragged pants.
Tears stung Lee's eyes. He gripped the pillow tightly, wishing he knew what to do. "I'm not lying to you. I care about you. I want to help you, and I want to keep on being your friend, no matter what happens, and I am not going to disappear." Gaara's words echoed in his mind-You'll leave, just like he did. "Gaara, who...who were you talking about? Who is 'he?'"
At that question, Gaara froze. For a moment, he stopped breathing. He hadn't spoken about Yashamaru since… he'd never spoken about him. They'd asked, over and over again, question after question, but he'd never said a word. "No one," he replied. "He's no one. I didn't say anything. Forget it."
"Gaara..." Lee fell silent, biting his lower lip. He knew better than to push. "All right," he said softly. "All right, I will not mention it again. Just...everything is fine. Okay? Do not worry. I do not even know if I will be able to get in to see Dr. Tsunade, but even if I do, even if I get the surgery, nothing is going to change. I can continue to stay up late even if I start school again. I can take naps during the afternoons if I need to. You will not even notice a difference. We will keep doing what we have always done." He paused. "Please believe me, Gaara."
"I don't need you," Gaara said, a touch of desperation in his voice, and in that moment, he knew that it was a lie. Lee had gotten too close. He'd gotten underneath Gaara's barriers without Gaara even noticing, slipping in through the guise of safety and control, and now he was too deep in and Gaara couldn't push him away, as desperately as he wanted to. "I can't."
"Please do not be afraid, Gaara," Lee said, keeping his voice low and gentle. "I will not hurt you. I promise. It is all right to need someone. It does not always end in pain. Everything is all right." He wished he was there by Gaara's side right now, wished he could touch him, hug him. But then, maybe that would just frighten him more.
"I'm not afraid," Gaara answered, defensive. He felt raw, unsettled, and vulnerable, and he hated the fact that Lee's quiet voice soothed his frayed nerves. "And I don't need you. I want you. That's all."
"I understand," Lee said. "And I will stay with you. I promise." He listened to Gaara's ragged breathing. It had slowed a little. "I am here, Gaara," he murmured gently. "Here to stay."
Lee didn't mean that. He couldn't mean that, and Gaara couldn't believe him. It was dangerous to believe him. Lee could hurt him. Somewhere along the way he'd given Lee the power to hurt him, and Gaara still couldn't possibly explain why. For a moment, Gaara felt like he was hovering on a precipice. Then- knowing Lee couldn't see him- he slowly nodded. "Okay," he said.
That single word felt like sealing his fate, but Gaara knew that it wasn't. Lee wouldn't stay. Not really. But he could believe that right now, Lee believed he'd stay. It'd change, after the surgery. When he had his friends again, his life again, and he'd no longer need Gaara. But for now, Lee believed that he'd stay, and Gaara selfishly wished that he cared little enough about Lee to be able to make that call and force him to stay by his side.
Lee exhaled a soft breath of relief. For a moment, he just listened to the steady rhythm of Gaara's breathing. Then he moistened dry lips with the tip of his tongue, staring at his ceiling, and said, "You know, I had a dream about you a few nights ago. I guess that is strange. I mean, I do not even know what you look like. We were just talking together like this. In the dream, I mean."
Gaara's smooth brow drew together slightly. "You don't." It was a statement, not a question, but it was an odd feeling, knowing that Lee had no idea what he looked like. More than the dream, that was what he focused on. "How can you care about someone when you do not even know what they look like?"
"When you truly care about someone, it is the person inside that matters, not the way that person looks. Even if I have never seen your face, I have talked to you for so many nights. I feel like I know you well." He paused. "I hope that does not sound presumptuous. But I do feel that way."
Gaara was silent for a long time, letting those words sink in. Sometimes, he thought, it'd be so easy to slip into what Lee offered. So natural. "What happened in the dream?"
"There was not much to it. This was when we had not spoken for awhile, and I guess I was thinking of you when I went to sleep. But I dreamed I woke up and came online and you were there, waiting. And I felt very happy and relieved."
"You were happy," Gaara repeated. He looked over at his laptop, letting those words repeat in his mind. Before he could change his mind, he flipped the light on and pushed the screen open. "Turn your monitor back on."
Lee's breath caught in his throat, and his eyes widened slightly. He nodded, forgetting momentarily that Gaara couldn't see him. "Okay. Hold on..." He rose, flinching at the sharp twinge of pain in his back, and tucked his crutch under one arm. Slowly, he hobbled over to the computer and switched on the monitor.
Gaara pulled his laptop back onto his lap. It was too warm from sitting on the bed, and he angled the screen so that the built-in lens was roughly pointed at his face before clicking the webcam on. The picture was slightly grainy and yellow-tinged from the light, and his dark-accustomed pupils were contracted into thin pinpoints, making the queer green shade of his eyes stand out all the more. He stared into the camera for five seconds, then cut the video feed. "There."
Lee's heart pounded. He'd only gotten a brief glimpse of Gaara, but still, the image had been seared into his mind. Red hair. Pale, smooth, flawless skin. And those startling eyes, a shade between green and blue, ringed by dark flesh that brought out their color vividly. He's beautiful. The thought brought a flush to his cheeks and made him fidget in his chair. Was it strange to think such things about another boy?
There had been a tattoo on his forehead, he recalled-a kanji. Lee only recognized a few kanji, but that was one of them. "Love?" he said softly.
Gaara felt a flicker of surprise that it'd been recognized. "Yes." Knowing that if he didn't elaborate, Lee would just question more, he let out a slow breath. "I got it on my sixteenth birthday. It's a reminder."
"A reminder of what?" Lee asked softly. He wasn't sure if Gaara would answer, but he had to ask.
For a moment, he almost didn't answer, but if anyone needed to know what the kanji meant, it was Lee. "To love only myself. To live only for myself," Gaara replied. His voice was flat and emotionless, and his fingers touched against the mark.
"I see," Lee said. Maybe he should have guessed. A part of him wanted to ask more, but he supposed he shouldn't push his luck. He stared at the screen for a moment, then switched on the webcam and smiled into it nervously. "I have never really tried this before. Can you see me?"
He should've expected it, knowing Lee, but it was still a surprise when the video feed turned on. In Lee's dark room, with only really the light from the monitor, he could more see outlines than anything. Lee looked more than a bit uncertain. "I can," Gaara said. He leaned back, studying the picture. "Your hair still looks stupid," he commented.
Lee frowned. "There is nothing wrong with my hair," he protested. "Gai has the same haircut." Even as he spoke, his stomach fluttered. It was strange, knowing that Gaara could see him, yet being unable to see Gaara. He paused. "Wait...still? When did you see me before?"
"Mm. There was a picture in the paper," Gaara explained. He watched Lee's face, noticing how the changes in expression lagged bit behind his words, so that for a second Lee looked curious before the surprise set in. "I checked when you mentioned the wreck."
"Oh. I see." Lee started to chew his lower lip, then stopped himself, remembering that Gaara could see him. He'd never imagined that Gaara might have looked up information on him. The thought awakened another flutter in his stomach. "I did not realize. That it was in the papers, I mean."
Gaara leaned back against his headboard. It was interesting to see Lee's face, but he gave away enough in his voice that it wasn't really necessary to watch him. Still, it was a strange feeling. It made it all seem more real, somehow. "News about the wreck was, but the pictures were actually from a writeup on one of your games."
"Oh." A memory flashed through Lee's mind; cloudless skies, warm sun, the pleasurable burn of exertion in his muscles as he ran, the satisfying smack of his foot hitting the ball. "It seems like so long ago, now," Lee said quietly, "everything before the accident. When I remember it...at times, it is like remembering something that happened to another person."
"Mm." Gaara closed his eyes and tilted his head back. Lee didn't talk about the injury often, usually keeping a careful barrier in place. He supposed it was the news about Tsunade, more than anything, that had him thinking about it now. There was something soothing about the sound and rhythm of Lee's voice, and when he fell silent, Gaara let out a slow breath. "Keep talking."
Lee blinked in surprise. "Okay." He paused, wondering what he should talk about. He didn't want to keep going on about the injury; complaining and self-pity did not help anything, as he firmly told himself day after day. "I liked being able to see you," he said at last. "Your face, I mean. Can I see you again?"
Gaara cracked an eye open and glanced at the screen. Lee looked a bit nervous, and he wondered at the request. "Why?"
"Well...it just feels better, being able to look at the person I am talking to. When I can see you, it feels like I am closer to you. But if you do not want me to see you, that is okay too," he added quickly. "I do not want to make you uncomfortable."
It was strange, Gaara thought, how Lee could be polite and almost shy and at the same time push. He considered the request, mulling it over in his mind. He didn't particularly care if Lee saw him or not, as long as he was the one in control of it. He exhaled, slightly toned with annoyance, and clicked the feed back on. As soon as he was certain it was running, he closed his eyes again and tilted his head back. "Just don't get used to it."
"Okay." As Lee's gaze traced the smooth curve of that pale throat, his heartbeat quickened. The contrast of blood-red hair made that flawless skin all the more striking. Gaara really was beautiful. Lee wondered if that skin was as soft as it looked, and his cheeks grew warm. He was glad for the dim lighting.
Maybe asking to see Gaara again hadn't been a good idea. Lee's mind had emptied out; it seemed he couldn't do anything but stare stupidly at that face. "Your hair..." He wet his lips, self-conscious. "I have never seen hair that red." He wondered for a moment if Gaara dyed it, but he doubted that. Gaara avoided interacting with people whenever possible; he wouldn't do anything to deliberately attract attention to himself.
The statement was so ridiculous that Gaara had to open his eyes and stare at the screen for a moment, his half-glare clearly stating that he was trying to rest. "You haven't," he repeated dryly. He wondered why it mattered, or why Lee had mentioned it. Gaara shrugged. "It's red. That's all."
Lee's blush grew hotter. He wondered if Gaara was even aware of how attractive he was. Surely, other people must have told him so...but then, Gaara avoided people. How would he react if Lee told him? Why was he even thinking these things? Lee liked girls. Specifically, he liked Sakura, the pretty, pink-haired cheerleader...though she mostly ignored his countless bouquets and promises of undying love.
But the truth was, Lee hadn't thought much about Sakura since he met Gaara. He wondered why.
"This may sound strange, but you are really very beautiful."
Oh God. Had he really just said that?
Gaara stared. "Beautiful," he repeated blankly. The flush to Lee's cheeks increased, and Gaara's hairless brow rose. "Lee, did you take too many pain killers?" It was the only explanation that made sense.
"No. I am perfectly clear-headed," Lee repeated, a bit indignantly. He supposed he should be grateful that Gaara hadn't shut off the connection right then and there. "I just..." He fidgeted in his chair. "It is just an observation. That is all."
"An observation. That you think I'm beautiful." Disbelief was clear in Gaara's voice, and he stared at Lee. "Is that why you asked me to turn the video back on?"
"Well...not exactly. I mean...maybe that was part of the reason. A little part. But it is true that I just like to see the person I am talking to, as well." Lee winced at the idiotic mass of words that had just spilled from his own mouth. "I am sorry. I should not have said anything about it. I do not want you to get the wrong idea."
A little part. Gaara watched the changes in Lee's expression, trying to take what Lee had just said and fit it into the context of their relationship. Lee liked looking at him, and as soon as he'd turned the camera back on, he'd started stammering and tripping over words like a schoolboy. That, combined with the mention of getting the wrong idea… "So you're gay?"
"N-no! That is not it." Lee gulped and waved his hands frantically at the screen. "I like Sakura. You remember me talking about her, right? The girl with the pink hair?" He was pretty sure he'd mentioned her to Gaara, anyway. Once or twice. "A boy can notice that another boy is good-looking, even if he is not into boys that way. I mean, anyone can see that you are attractive."
Gaara's expression- what there was of it- was faintly skeptical. The name sounded somewhat familiar, but only vaguely, and he felt a flash of irritation. "So you're not gay." Gaara shook his head, then clicked the video off. Maybe Lee would start being able to complete a sentence again if they weren't looking at each other. "Lee, I think you've been awake for too long."
When Gaara's image disappeared, Lee felt a pang of disappointment. But he couldn't really blame him. Gaara was probably uncomfortable with being looked at now, knowing how Lee saw him. "Maybe you are right," he murmured. He closed his aching eyes and rubbed them. He hadn't slept well last night...or the night before. But then, these days, getting a full night's sleep was a rare occurence. "I am sorry. Perhaps I should go to bed. Will...will you be online again tomorrow?"
Gaara almost responded 'no', but the uncertainty in Lee's voice stopped him. He remembered Lee's pained breaths, and that simple phrase. I felt very happy. "I'll be on at the usual time," he answered. Before Lee could reply, he cut the feed and pulled his headphones off. His ears ached slightly from the constant pressure, and he rubbed underneath them, thinking over Lee's words. It didn't make sense.
He sighed, shook his head, and turned the light off. He could worry about it later.
To be continued
