A/N: Very Important- This story now contains wincest - IF YOU DON'T LIKE PLEASE DON'T READ! I didn't set out with the idea of this being a wincest story but it just wrote itself that way and I was powerless to stop it. It is mild and not graphic at all but it's still a theme.
If you are still reading please enjoy.
I don't own anything etc...
Why Not Smile.
His body was freezing cold, chilled all the way through to the bones, deeper even than that, to his very soul. And yet the burning hot flames still lapped at him making his skin crack and peel revealing his cooking meat. How was that even possible? He tried to scream for help, tried to scream his brother's name. He needed Dean, where was he? He was the only one who could help. His tortured soul still ached from the loss of his brother, he cried out again asking any God who would listen to please let Dean be here. Even if the torment had to continue, he was sure he could endure it if he only had his older brother to hang on to, to tether him to his sanity. But he couldn't be here, here was the deepest hell and Dean didn't deserve to be chained up, down in the cage like Sam deserved to be.
"You deserve this Sam, every single delicious moment" He realised at the last moment he hadn't thought those words in his head; there was someone else with him speaking those terrible words. "I'm always with you Sammy, you know that, always. I will never leave you, I promise." Slowly running his calloused hand down Sam's over-sensitive face Lucifer looked into his pain filled eyes moving closer almost like he was going to….
Sam's eyes shot open; pulling in a deep breath he thought he might be physically sick. He could still smell his own chard flesh hanging thickly in the air. And he could still feel that touch. Slowly his mind began to clear. He was in the motel room safe in bed, he wasn't in hell anymore, Lucifer wasn't here. He had escaped and he was never going back he repeated in his head for the thousandth time. He still didn't sound any more convinced than the first time he'd thought those words. Did he deserve to be in hell? He didn't really know anymore…guess he would find out sooner or later when a hunt goes bad he reasoned. Sam ran a hand through his hair removing if from his pale tired looking face. Another day. Another struggle. Another twenty four hours of trying to act like everything is ok, like he can handle it all.
"Coffee?" His older brother asks from the tiny kitchenette holding up a full steaming hot pot of strong coffee.
Dean. Sam smiled inwardly, no longer amazed by how Dean's mere presence could lift him even from the imagined depths of hell.
"Yeah, that would be great thanks" he nodded sleepily, no matter how much sleep he gets any more it never seems enough. Probably from the stress of having one terrifyingly real nightmare after another every night he mused.
"No problem, looks like you could use it. You look like crap." Dean's words were blunt but his tone gave away his obvious concern for his younger brother. "Nightmare?" He asks.
"Yeah." Was the only answer he received from Sam.
"Well join the club" Dean muttered without any heat under his breath when it became clear Sam wasn't going to elaborate. He filled a white mug to the brim with coffee and walked over to Sam still sitting upright and looking slightly dazed in his bed.
"Here" he says handing it over carefully to his brother. "Any stronger and I doubt you could still describe it as a liquid."
Dean used the handing over of the mug as an opportunity to get a closer look at Sam who appeared pale, with dark circles under his eyes. Dean pursed his lips together. He was worried, physical injures he could deal with, he'd been dealing with them pretty much his whole life. Some bandages, multiple stitches a bottle of whiskey, sorted. But this, this was different, this was in Sam's mind and Dean was swiftly becoming painfully aware that it was so much worse. What could he do to make it better, what was he supposed to do? He didn't have an answer and it was grating on him constantly. He had to find a way to help his brother.
"Really Sammy, how you doing?" he was silently praying the answer wouldn't be the word 'fine' Dean's new nomination for world's most infuriating word.
Sam was pensive for a moment; he started to slowly shake his head in a tiny movement and huffed out a long breath. "I don't know, a bit better I guess. I mean it doesn't take me so long to snap out of it anymore. It doesn't take me so long to realise it's not real, the things I see." Sam looked up at his brother meeting the other man's eyes for the first time; he forced a small tight smile which didn't reach his eyes, not even close.
Dean nodded; he wanted to believe his brother. He knew Sam didn't want to burden him with his pain. Partly it was Dean's own fault that his brother wouldn't share this kind of thing, his suffering. Dean wasn't much for sharing when it came to feelings or pain or heartache or much of anything but he desperately hoped Sam knew he would always listen to him. He would always be there for Sam no matter what.
"Ok, well that's good." Dean turned away picking up his old leather wallet from the bedside cabinet. "I'm gonna go get us some breakfast from the diner over the road. Any preference?" he asked looking back at Sam.
"Pancakes." Sam answered swinging his long legs out of the bead. He didn't really want anything as he didn't feel in the mood to eat, still feeling slightly nauseated. But he knew if he didn't ask for something Dean would worry and it would probably end in an argument. Easier just to say pancakes and hope he could stomach them when they were in front of him.
"Okay, back in 10." Sam watched as his brother left and with that Sam was alone in the silent motel room. He eased his way out of bed feeling stiff from their last hunt. It was only a run of the mill hunt, nothing complicated or too intense but Sam's whole body seemed to ache. It seemed to be taking his body longer to heal these days probably because he was so mentally run down. He hoped a hot shower would help and then Dean would be back and they could get on with finding a new case. That would help take his mind off things he was sure.
Walking over to the bathroom he opened the door and pulled the light switch on. The harsh artificial light illuminated the small room and pained his sore eyes. Sam's breath caught in his mouth as he stepped backwards in icy surprise. His heart instantly beating so fast and so hard it felt like it was trying to escape his chest. There was Lucifer grinning at him in an intimidating way, arms crossed leaning against the shower waiting for Sam. His words when spoken dripped with innuendo. "Come on Sammy, don't be shy, promise I won't look."
