TITLE: Trading Spaces

RATING: R (slash warning m/m)

PAIRING: HG/SS, HP/DM, HP/HG (friendship)

AUTHORS' NOTE: Even though prefects are usually named in their fifth year, we're going to say that due to the disruption of the War, etc. that they just decided to pick new prefects out of the 7th years, okay? Thanks for bearing with me. Also, all Parseltongue will be in italics -- keep in mind, only a parselmouth can understand snake speech.

Chapter Two: Snippy and Snarky


Harry and Hermione gratefully left Snape's den to seek their beds in the weird new world of the Slytherin dormitories. Harry carried the yellow flamed lamp that led their way. They soon reached their entrance portrait, a mad-looking old wizard in green robes who cast his eyes suspiciously to the right and then to the left. "Who goes there?" He asked, his face twitched and his movements were guarded.

"Harry Potter."

"I know you! You're in the wrong dormitory, boy." The portrait said, its voice growing louder with every word. "What are doing here? SNOOPING? Trying to get INSIDE INFORMATION!"

"No, sir. We're the new prefects for Slytherin. We even know the password!" Hermione explained. Harry muttered something rude under his breath about Slytherins and passwords and greasy professors.

"Don't give me that rubbish! The only people who belong here are Slytherin students. And you two are definitely NOT Slytherin students."

"We're honorary Slytherins," Harry explained. "And believe me; we won't spend anymore time than necessary here."

"Paranoid Pete, let those children pass!" The Bloody Baron, the Slytherin ghost, said as he came to hover beside them. "Didn't you hear? They've switched Houses."

"We don't know that! I heard nothing about this from Professor Snape," Paranoid Pete insisted stubbornly. The Bloody Baron whipped out his fencing foil and stabbed at the painting Pete was occupying. Of course, it went right through it. "Ouch! Ow! You're killing me! Stop that!"

"Rubbish!" The Bloody Baron exclaimed. "You know damn well that you can't feel that. Now, let them through."

"Fine. Password?" The painting asked begrudgingly.

Harry's lips twitched. "Sneaky snake."

"You may enter," Paranoid Pete intoned in a deep and serious voice.

Hermione and Harry walked through the entryway and into the Slytherin common room.

"Look!" Hermione cried. "Is there anything these people won't put a snake on?"

There were Slytherin crests on the wall. There were snake-upholstered furnishings. There were even serpentine rugs on the floor. There were snake sculptures, snakes coiled around the beams that supported the ceiling. There was even a bewitchment on the fireplace, so that tendrils of smoke that looked like snakes hissed at them from the green fire that was burning there. A huge portrait of two snakes entwined adorned the mantle place. "Ugh!" Hermione exclaimed when she saw that last bit.

Harry stopped his inspection of the room to listen carefully. "Do you hear something?"

"No," Hermione answered. "Why?"

There was an adjoining room where Slytherins held House Council and Harry could swear he heard singing coming from the room. "Come on, someone or some thing is here besides us."

"I'm almost afraid to look," Hermione said. "It's like we've plunged down the rabbit hole or something." She could not remember things ever being this strange in the Gryffindor dorm.

They opened the door to the other room and weren't prepared for the sight that greeted them. There were two foot-long snakes . . . dancing on a table. One was a vivid green with blue markings. The other was blue with green markings. They both had red eyes and were singing in harmony, ". . . and sneaky snake goes dancing . . . a-wigglin' and a hissin'. . ." They abruptly stopped their sideways shimmy to glare at the intruders.

The blue one scooted to the edge of the table to get a better look. "Look at this, Snarky, these two have never seen a snake before or something."

His companion laughed, sounding like a staccato "thee . . . thee...thee." He, too, scooted to the edge of the table. "Who are these two, Snippy?"

Snippy did the snake equivalent of a shrug. "Who cares?" He considered Harry for a moment and then hmmphed. "He's not as pretty as Malfoy."

"I may not be as pretty as Malfoy," Harry said, leaning down until he was eye-level with the snake. "But I can hear everything that you're saying. So, I'd watch my forked tongue if I were you."

"Ooooh! I'm sssssooooo scared," Snarky said with an exaggerated hiss. They were far from intimidated and actually seemed excited by the prospect. "We've got ourselves a parselmouth and he thinks he's special!"

"I know who that is! There's only one parselmouth at Hogwarts. That's Harry Potter! Show us the scar! Show us the scar!" Snippy demanded.

"I think not," Harry said, standing once more.

"Are they talking to you?" Hermione asked.

"She must be the know-it-all who hangs out with him," Snippy asserted. "Her name is Hiney or something."

"Doesn't look that ssssmart to me." Snarky giggled. "She's named after a butt." Then, they laughed themselves silly. To snakes, the idea of buttocks was apparently very amusing.

"Uh, yes. They said . . . welcome to Slytherin."

"I rather doubt that," Hermione said dryly. "You may be a great many things, Harry, but a good liar is not one of them." She pointed an admonishing finger at the snakes. "You two behave yourselves! I may have to take orders from Professor Snape but I'll be damned if I'm going to take sass from mascots. Watch it or you'll find yourself in one of my potions!"

"Oh my," Snippy said with a mock tremble. "Threats and finger pointing . . . I think we're ssssupposed to be intimidated at this point."

"Really?" Snarky looked confused. "I thought she was a know-it-all. She doesn't even know the difference between sass and intense, witty ssssarcasm."

"Maybe we shouldn't be so harsh." Snippy gave her a serpentine once over, eyes settling on her less-bushy hair. "Medusa looks like she'll fit right in here."

Harry snickered before he could stop himself. At Hermione's arch look he muttered, "They like your hair."

She glowered at the snakes because she somehow guessed that their comments were less than flattering. "I'm sure your conversation is scintillating but I'm tired and I'm going to bed." She glanced at Harry. "Besides, we need to be well rested if we're going to spend the day with Herr Snape and get ready for school." She groaned. "I still have to finish reading Babbleswell's Guide to Tarot for Professor Trelawney's class before I can go to bed." She walked off in the direction of the girls' dormitory bemoaning the fates that were forcing her to take Divination, just because she was a close, personal friend of the Chosen One. The things she did for Harry. "Night, Harry."

"I thought she'd never leave," Snarky said.

"Who's surprised she's going to study?" Snippy asked. "Nothing in her bags but pencils and books."

"You went through her bags?" Harry demanded.

"Of course," Snippy answered. When Harry continued to scowl, he added, "Oh, don't feel bad! We went through yours too! No favoritism here in Slytherin House."

"You went through MY bags!" Harry thundered.

"He's slow on the uptake!" There was another chorus of hissing laughs. "By the way, those chocolate frogs we're delicioussss," Snarky said and then they both sighed with the remembrance of the chocolate. "Next time, we'd like the dark chocolate kind."

"I didn't buy them for YOU!" Harry said tightly. He'd brought a 12 pack with him for when he had an attack of the late night munchies.

"That's soooo rude," Snippy said. "Why ever would you bring candy in here if you didn't want us to eat it?"

"Hmmph!" Snarky said as he slithered off the table and onto the floor. "See if we talk to you anymore!"

"I can live with that," Harry said smugly.

"Really?" Snippy said, perking up. "Then, we'll have to think of something else."

Snarky pondered this a moment. "Maybe we should shed our skin in his bed!"

"Yeah, and sing songs all night!" Snippy threatened.

"You look like a Britney Spears fan to me," Snarky said with an evil gleam in his red eye.

"NO!" Harry cried. "Anything but that!"

Snippy's eyes widened with delight. "Yesss, I think so too!" They swept out of the room, slinking at high speed.

Harry scrambled after them.


"Ooopssss, I did it again. I played with your heart. Got lost in the game. . ." Snippy was wrapped around the bedpost, bobbing his head.

Snarky did a sidewise shimmy at the end of the bed. "Oh baby, baby. You think I'm in love and sent from above. I'm not that innocccccent!"

"I hate you so much." Harry groaned and put his pillow over his head. But not even the fluffiest of Hogwarts' pillows could drown out the noise. "Why can't you be good little snakes and SHUT UP!!"

But the snakes were just getting revved up for their four a.m. private lounge show. Apparently, they'd stolen (big surprise) someone's contraband Muggle radio. They'd been forced to listen to Britney Spears because they only got one pop station and routinely got her songs stuck in their heads. The two snakes had cheerfully told them about their plan to steal a television too so that they could make fun of her videos and appearance.

"Oh, so you want us to be a. . ." Snippy did an athletic leap to Harry's bed. "Sssssslave for you!"

Snarky did a funky move, twitching his tail back and forth.

Harry grabbed up his wristwatch from the bedside table and flung it at Snippy who neatly bent his head and it slid down his body. "Oh...sssank you." He extended his body so that he could see it against his skin. "It's shiny."

Meanwhile, Snarky had changed songs. "Hit me baby one more time!"

"Give me back my watch!" Harry yelled.

"Are they talking to you again?" Hermione asked as she came into the room. She was wearing a white robe and nightgown. "Sorry, I would have knocked but the door was already open."

"It's okay. Is something wrong?"

"I don't know. It's just . . . creepy over there. Crookshanks is asleep so I'm all by myself." She sat down on the edge of his bed. "I was hoping I could stay here with you. I'm a little lonely."

"Me too," Harry admitted. "You know, this school year isn't shaping up to be what I thought it would be."

"Me either. I didn't fancy ending up as Snape's potion assistant." Hermione shuddered.

"Ewwwww, Ssssssnape." The snakes chorused and then laughed.

Harry suppressed a smile. Maybe they weren't so bad after all. "Tell you what, Hermione. Let's not worry about him tonight." He lifted the covers up. "Come on, get in. We'll try to get some sleep and worry about him in the morning."

"Hmmmm . . ." Snarky said, interested enough to stop singing. "Methinks this is the beginning of an immoral liaison."

"I do not feel that way about, Hermione!" Harry hissed at them.

"Why are you angry?" Hermione asked in reaction to the irritation she could hear even in the hissing.

"He thinks your ssssexy, Hiney!" They both shouted at the same time and then "thee . . . theeee. . .thee'd over that.

"They think we are about to. . ." Harry turned bright red. "Um. . ."

"Oh!" Hermione nodded and then stuck her tongue out. "Ewww!" She picked one offensive serpent up by the end of the tail and brought its face to her own. "Bad, bad snake!"

"Ssssank you!" Snarky said peering at her from his upside down position in her hand. "By the way, your breath is minty fresh unlike some people we know."

"What did he say?" She asked tightly.

"He said he was sorry. And he likes your teeth. Now, get out of here, you two!" Harry ordered.

"Fine." Snippy slithered to the door. "But you're no Malfoy."

Hermione released the other snake and he joined his friend. "Yeah, he's certainly no sssex god."

Harry couldn't help himself. "Malfoy? A sex god?"

Hermione stared at him. "Is there something you want to tell me, Harry?"


"Password?"

Draco Malfoy stared intently at the so-called "Fat Lady" portrait. "Slytherin sucks," he muttered. This was one password that would be changed tonight.

"Excuse me, young man?"

"Slytherin sucks," he annunciated very clearly. He was given entrance to the Gryffindor common room. "The inner sanctum, eh?" Unfortunately, he was entering the "lion's den" by himself. Pansy Parkinson had gone to bed earlier that night. She said that she was owling her mother to complain about her new post.

He stared at all of the griffins. They were on the walls and the carpet. They were on the furniture too. "What is it with these people and lions?"

"I am most definitely not a lion!" The imperious voice came from behind him. Curled up on a chaise lay a very small griffin. His wings were white and tucked behind its back. The lion portion of his body was relaxed in its repose, and he rather resembled a very small house cat. "You don't know the difference between a griffin and a lion?"

"I most certainly do." Malfoy sneered. "I just always thought they were bigger."

"Size is not indicative of importance!" He crawled up on the back of the chair and glared at Draco. "Look at you! Oh, yes." The small griffin smirked, settling into a Sphinx like posture to stare intently at the former Prince of Slytherin. "Don't think I don't know who you are. You used to be a rather small, whiny little thing, didn't you?"

"Look, I'm very tired and--"

"Yes, I'm sure sneering takes a lot out of a person," he purred, regally lifting a paw to fix a tuft of fur. The griffin seemed severely unimpressed with him.

"Listen you-"

"Ewe? Pardon me?" He was angry now. "Do I look like a sheep to you, Slytherin?" When Malfoy was too shocked to answer, the griffin stood up and slashed a paw at him, claws out. "Well? Do I?!"

"I wasn't suggesting that you were a sheep, I just don't happen to know your name," Draco said in a calming tone, afraid the Gryffindor furball was going to jump across the chair and claw his face.

"I'm Griff-gruff." He bowed.

"I'm Draco Mal-"

"No need. I know exactly who you are. Harry talks about you all the time." The griffin seemed to be complacent once more.

"Does he?" Draco examined his nails, trying to look casual.

"You needn't look so smug. It's never good." Griff-gruff jumped down onto the seat of the chair. "What are you doing just standing around here? Shouldn't you be setting up your new room? Getting your overly expensive and bulky luggage out of my common room?"

"Your common room?"

"Are you learning impaired?" Griff-gruff raised a brow at him. "Of course it's mine. Do you not see me sitting in here, on my chair, presiding over the activities of this house, even if it's only you and that ghastly Pansy girl?" Malfoy stood, staring at him. "Well, go on! Don't you need time to set up all your mirrors?"

"How did you . . . wait . . . you didn't go through my stuff did you?"

"Of course not!" Griff-gruff looked insulted. "Like I don't have better things to do than play in your knicker bag!" He pulled himself up. "And if I wanted your chocolate, like some House mascots who will go unnamed, I would simply demand that you hand it over." Then he added as an afterthought, "Or claw your sheets to shreds until you realized that you should give me some."

"Then how did you . . . ?"

"What? Just because I don't participate in candy thieving doesn't mean I don't talk to Heckle and Jeckle."

"Snippy and Snarky?"

"They're the biggest gossips in Hogwarts. They told me all about you."

Draco could not think of a single thing to say. Until today, he had never thought he would see an ego to rival his father's. He took out his wand and ordered his trunk to the correct room. "Griff-gruff, could you direct me to the prefect's rooms?"

"Up those stairs, to the left, turn around three times and face right. You can't miss it." The Griffin smiled and gestured vaguely.

"And the password for the prefect's rooms?" He shuddered to think what the answer would be.

"Snape sucks, too!" Griff-gruff chuckled. Then almost as if he had heard a sound near the portrait entrance he got up and jumped off the chair. "G'nite then, Malfoy."

"G'nite." Draco muttered as headed up the stairs.

Griff-gruff watched him leave before huffing, "Sex-god my perfectly fluffy tail. Ha!" Then he padded over to the entrance and opened the door. "Hello Dobby."


"Get up this instant." The icy voice, filled with disapproval broke into Hermione's dreams. She had a sinking feeling even before she opened her eyes. She warily cracked one eyelid to see Snape standing over the bed. "On your feet, Miss Granger."

She hurriedly shrugged off the covers and stood up, pausing to stare wonderingly at Harry who was peacefully snoring away and blissfully unaware. "Professor Snape, it isn't what you think! I-I-I was tired and lonely so I came over here to--"

"I may be advancing in years, Miss Granger, but I know exactly what it is you came here to do."

She threw on her robe, which lay on the end of the bed. Hermione was upset he saw her in her nightgown. And upset that he saw her in bed with Harry. And just upset in general. She couldn't recall Snape ever looking this angry. "But you don't! Harry and I don't - we haven't - I mean, we won't!" Snape pulled his wand out and fixed it on Harry's sleeping form. "NO!" Hermione threw herself in the line of spell. "You can't do that!"

"Yes," Snape replied sardonically "I can." He took her by the shoulders and moved her to the side. He once more took aim. "Scaldet!" He shouted and Harry was hit with a bolt of energy, causing him to wake up with a start.

"Bloody Hell! If you damned snakes d-" Harry stopped as he saw Snape standing next to Hermione. "Oh, it's you."

"This is a very serious transgression, Mr. Potter," Snape announced. "In fact, you might say that this is an expelling offence." He'd been waiting for this day for quite some time. And, for once, he was Potter's Head of House so he could make the final decision on his punishment.

"What is? Sleeping?" He rubbed his shoulder where the bolt had hit him. "And that hurt! I didn't know professors were allowed to zap people." He glared at him.

"You should be ashamed of yourself, Mr. Potter. Using your celebrity status to seduce hapless young women."

Hermione made an inarticulate sound of anger at being referred to as 'hapless'.

"Hermione and I weren't sleeping together. We were actually SLEEPING together," Harry said. "Why am I always telling people this?"

Snape's mouth thinned as he took in the fully dressed students. It did make sense, come to think of it. He'd always been a rational man. Though, he probably got here just in time to preserve Miss Granger's virtue. Potter was probably as much of a bounder as his father had been. Not that he was going to let them off the hook. "Regardless, the opposite sex is not allowed in the other dormitory after midnight." His face broke into a smile. "And to help you remember that rule, twenty five points from Gryffindor." Their faces fell. "A piece." He finished triumphantly and saw them droop even more. He lived for rare moments like these.

Snarky and Snippy came sliding into the room. "Someone got zapped already! It's not even the start of sssschool yet," Snippy gloated.

"They're you two are." Snape said somewhat affectionately as he almost smiled at the snakes. "I trust you made friends with Slytherin's mascots?" He asked Hermione and Harry. He held down his arm and they obediently crawled up.

"Ewwwww, Sssssnape," They chorused again. Snippy curled around his left arm while Snarky made his way to the professor's shoulder.

"Check it out!" Snarky said. "He's trying a new hair gel. Crisco!"

Harry put a hand to his mouth, trying to look respectful. "Don't laugh," he muttered to himself. Obviously the snakes had gotten used to no one being able to hear them, and felt more than free to express any opinion they had, no matter how mean it was.

Snippy hissed a laugh. "It's less oily than the last one." Snarky curled around the side of Snape's face and Snippy called out, "No, don't do that! Don't get too close. Dammit." His compatriot had started to sway from side to side. "It's Snape breath. Just don't inhale!" Snarky fainted, coming to rest around Snape's neck. "Oohh." The snake winced in sympathy for his friend and then stared at Harry. "Why are you just standing there, Potter? Get the man some mouth wash!"

Harry stifled another burst of laughter.

"Curious. They always faint when they get on my shoulder." Snape muttered. "Must be that infernal respiratory problem of theirs. They're always making this 'thee . . . thee . . . thee' sound. Could be asthma."

"Professor?" Hermione said. "Snakes, uh, don't breathe. At least not like we do. Maybe we can have Harry ask them what's wrong."

Snippy hurtled toward Hermione at a fast pace and leapt on her. "Ack!"

"Shhhhh!" The snake sent a beseeching look at Harry. "Tell Medusa here not to blow our cover! He'll chop us up and put us in a potion if he finds out what we've been saying."

"These are magical snakes, Miss Granger. They are not the same as the ones your parents have in their garden." The professor walked over calmly went over and began removing the snake from her person. It seemed to have a death grip on the button hole of her sweater with its small tail.

Hermione wasn't sure if she was more afraid of the snake or that cool touch of his. He took great care not to frighten the snake further. He also seemed aware of her fear and made his movements slow and purposefully impersonal. "Thank you, Professor." She noted that Snape was absurdly gentle with the creature. He even stroked the snake to calm it down because the thing was quaking with fear.

Snippy struggled. "He's got me! He's gonna breathe on me. Help! HELP!!" He pleaded with Harry. "You're a hero, right? Come on, save me! SAVE ME!" Snape brought him up to his shoulder. The snake mumbled through a very tightly closed mouth. "If he exhales I'm a goner."

Harry's mouth was trembling with suppressed laughter. Of course, he didn't like the snakes. They'd eaten his chocolate frogs and stolen his watch but he wasn't going to sit by while the poor defenseless thing was subjected to Snape's Death Breath. On further study, maybe that halitosis curse he'd performed on the professor with Ron's help in their fifth year wasn't such a good idea. There was no reason to inflict his breath on the populace. "Can I see that snake, Professor?"

"Aren't you afraid it'll bite you?" He drawled, thinking he might give a few years of his life to see that.

Snippy screamed, "Don't make him talk!"

Harry bit his lip and looked away. "Is that snake talking to you, Mr. Potter? Can you speak with it?"

"Sorta," Harry admitted.

"Traitor!" Snippy stuck out his tongue at him and gasped, before putting it back in his mouth and mumbling once more, "Get me out of here, Potter."

"Well?" Snape snapped. "What did he say?"

"They're . . . uh. . . .afraid of heights. Yeah, afraid of heights."

Snape plucked the snake from his shoulder so that he could speak with it, beady eye to beady eye. "I had no idea," he said gravely.

"I'm in the danger zone!" Snippy's eyes widened. "Oh, God. He'sssss gonna put me in there, isn't he?" He said, staring at Snape's mouth. "This is my punishment . . . for all that candy I've stolen and the mean things I said."

Harry walked over. "Why don't I take him out for some fresh air?"

"Goodbye, cruel world," Snippy cried, eyes still fixed on the malodorous, gaping maw he was convinced he was about to be put in to. His eyes fixed on his friend. "Goodbye, Snarky. You were the bestest pal ever."

Professor Snape handed Snippy over and took the other snake, which had been lolling against his neck, and handed it to his student. "See that he gets some too."

Snippy nearly jumped with relief. "Hallelujah! As God as my witness . . . I will never be close to anything that stinky again!" Snarky started to come to. "It's alright, Snarky. It's all going to be alright." With a dramatic flourish, he ended by resting his head on Harry's wrist. "After all, tomorrow is another day."

Harry permitted himself a small chuckle. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." Snape fixed him with a look and he beat a hasty retreat.

As soon as Harry left, Hermione gave in to her curiosity. "So, why were you in the dormitories? I thought that professors only used the common rooms."

Snape colored but had the presence of mind to say, "If I waited for you and Potter to arrive, they may have found my corpse there." He straightened his spine and stood to his full height. Hermione thought that now that she was seeing him out of the dampness of the dungeons, he appeared almost handsome. Intimidating but handsome.

Snape was alarmed when he didn't see them downstairs enjoying the breakfast the house elves had left. He wondered if perhaps Voldemort had been able to penetrate Hogwarts defenses and make off with Potter. It was a silly notion but he was exceptionally cautious these days. Then, he'd heard noises in Potter's room and had dashed into the room only to find them entwined with one another, which he found exceptionally loathsome. And it wasn't just seeing Potter in his pajamas either.

"I see," Hermione said. She wasn't buying it. Maybe he'd been spying on them, looking for a way to take more away House points.

"Actually, I have an agenda for both of you." He handed her two rolls of parchment. "Get dressed and have something to eat. You will meet me in the dungeon at ten." He turned on his heel and exited the room.


Hermione couldn't even enjoy her delicious breakfast. The house elves had set out a platter of still-warm donuts. There was another platter of toasted bagels and a container of thick cream cheese. There was also a teapot full of fragrant English Breakfast Tea. A large urn held coffee. But everytime she tried to take a bite, the scene would replay in her mind and she'd cringe, forgetting about the food.

Harry came in to see her listlessly nibbling the edge of a bagel. "Are you alright?" All in all, he was feeling pretty good. And he'd gotten the snakes out of his room by depositing them in one of the other rooms. He'd even managed to annoy Snape. And he hadn't even had breakfast yet! "What's wrong, Hermione?"

"Nothing." She tossed him a scroll. "That's your assignment."

"Come on, tell me. What is it?" Harry caught the parchment effortlessly.

"Professor Snape hates me."

"Well, if it's any consolation, I think he hates me more."

Hermione scowled. "Be serious. Harry, he thinks we. . ."

"Were within seconds of shagging?" Harry waggled his eyebrows at Hermione's look of abject horror. He scratched his chin thoughtfully, remembering how thrown Snape had been. "I say we play this up. Put in some sly innuendos. It'd be worth the House points just to see him lose it."

"I'd say you've lost your mind." Hermione jumped up from her seat and poured a cup of coffee in a take-away container. "I'm going to the dungeon to help him with his potions and try to repair the damage."

Harry was mystified. "Why do you care what he thinks?"

"Because. . ." She stomped out to the exit. "Because I just do!"