Kakashi sat at the bar of a tavern in yet another strange town, downing sake like it was going out of fashion. Every new town he came to was christened the same way. The first night he spent in a new place saw him drink until he was completely smashed, then pass out cold in a cheap rented room. He would waken the next day without a hangover and start anew his search for the man who had left him behind.
He had been searching for Tenzō for several months now, though the man had been gone for much longer. Responsibilities had not allowed Kakashi to leave the village in his quest to bring Tenzō home. Every day he had sat as Hokage had meant another day in which Tenzō was missing. It had hurt that he could do little about it. Sending out teams to look for him had proved futile. It was clear Tenzō did not want to be found. Hell, the man could hide inside trees and rock, so the chances of just anyone finding him were slim to none.
But Kakashi was sure that he could find him.
As the bartender filled his glass again, Kakashi simply stared at it for a while. He found no pleasure in the fluid before him and had never been much of a drinker. But the alcohol dampened the painful memories that threatened to choke him, so he lifted the glass and swallowed the contents in one gulp.
Staring into space, he thought back to the day Tsunade told him that Tenzō had gone. He remembered the conversation like it was yesterday. Remembered the shock, the anger and the loss. Even after all this time he could still feel the cold that had spread in his stomach at Tsunade's words.
"He retired and left the village."
"What?! When?!"
"A few days ago. He asked for release and would not reconsider. He knows Konoha will remain open to him. But I think he's gone."
"He will if I go get him."
"No, Kakashi. I won't allow it. You're the next Hokage. You won't have time to go searching for him. He doesn't want to be found."
"What makes you say that?"
"It was how he looked, haunted, bitter. He went through something horrendous in the war. I don't think any of us will ever truly understand exactly what he went through. He looked tired and angry, washed out and drained. I am in no doubt that he blames us for what happened to him."
"Blames us? But...how can he blame us? We searched for him until we no longer could! One team died within seconds of finding him, we did our best at a time in which we were all suffering!"
"He does not know that, Kakashi. To him, he was left there to suffer and no one went looking for him. It was a Konoha shinobi who experimented on him, a Konoha superior who exploited him and in his mind, it was Konoha that left him behind. He and I once had a conversation, some time after Sora came to the village. I think he struggled under the weight of his biology. He seemed to feel that he was never valued as a person, always struggled behind the ghost of my grandfather. When you think about it, having those thoughts and then being taken and used the way he was, I'm not surprised he left."
"Never valued? I valued him! I lo..."
"Did you ever tell him?"
Tsunade had looked at him with rarely seen pity and his face had burn with shame. No, he hadn't.
His face still burned with shame as he threw another sake down his throat and slammed the glass on the bar counter. How could he have been so stupid? So blind? Had Tenzō always harboured these thoughts? Tenzō had always seemed so adjusted to his situation that Kakashi had never thought to question his state of mind. He had never seen Tenzō as just a copy, had never thought of him as anything other than Tenzō.
If only he had thought to tell him.
Kakashi should have sensed Tenzo's reticence in using his ability. He had always admired the mokuton and never thought twice about asking Tenzō to use it for a variety of reasons. Had he inadvertently compounded Tenzō's hidden misery by needlessly admiring the very thing that linked him to another that brought him pain? He had loved Tenzō, still loved him, yet he had never considered that the thing that made him truly unique might be the one thing that he hated most about himself.
Kakashi retired as Hokage as soon as he could. Leaving the mantle of office for Naruto, he knew the village was in safe hands. But Tenzō was not, and so Kakashi left, hell-bent on bringing his lost love home.
But where was he? Was he still alone, or had he found another to fill the void within himself? Feeling no guilt at all, Kakashi hoped he had not found another. He wanted to be the only one in Tenzō's life, the only man who could truly make him happy. But then, he had already wasted the chance to be that man. He had squandered it over his inability to say three simple words. Tenzō had always said the words with genuine warmth and affection, never faltering. His surroundings melted away as he was struck by a cherished memory, so clear it took his breath away.
Large dark eyes stared deeply into his own. Soft lips spoke words that were lifted on sweet gentle breath that caressed his face. Arms snaked around his neck, pulling him closer as he was surrounded by the scent of pine trees and spring meadows.
I love you, senpai.
The vision nearly broke him and he turned the empty glass upside down then pushed himself away from the bar. How many nights had he spent drinking in some backwater village, thinking over the same thoughts as these? Remembering what he had lost?
Too many, he thought.
He stumbled his way back to the room he had rented for the night. Faltering in his steps, it took longer to reach the cold lodgings that it should have. As he stumbled almost blindly, he felt a familiar chakra brush lightly with his own. It caused him to knock into a wall, and when he righted himself the chakra was gone. Another fleeting memory of the one he had lost. It took three attempts to unlock the door to his rented room and another two to lock it closed behind him. Kakashi went through his usual drunken routine, spending far too much time in the bathroom before staring at himself in the mirror.
When did I get so old?
He wasn't old by any means, but he had lived the life of a soldier and it showed on his features. The story of his life was clearly carved in the lines and scars that covered his face. He looked more like his father than he ever wanted to or believed could. With a sigh, he turned and left the ghostly image behind, then threw himself face down onto the bed.
Why do I do this to myself? He obviously doesn't need or want me, why don't I just go back home and get on with my life?
Because you love him.
The words sprang into his mind, once uttered by his best friend Gai. He found himself remembering their last conversation as he buried his head in the musty pillow.
"I already quit my job as Hokage. I want to take a nostalgic tour, what about you?
"...do you remember the first place we fought at? That was certainly…"
"Strange? Yes, it certainly was. Would you like to visit there? For old times sake?"
"Mah, it would not be easy for me to get there now. I am content to enjoy the memory, and remember the way I was then."
"You know I would carry you there."
"I know. But I feel this nostalgic tour of yours has less to do with me and more to do with another." Kakashi had just stared at him, his heavily lidded eyes never flinching from Gai's knowing stare. "You forget, dear friend, I have known you for so long that I know how your mind works. I have seen how his absence has affected you all this long time. I would have gone and retrieved him for you myself, if only I could have." Kakashi had squirmed uncomfortably as Gai continued to smile. "There is very little that you can hide from me, Kakashi."
Gai knew him better than anyone. The man always had a knack at turning up just when Kakashi needed support, always knew exactly what to say when he was troubled. Of course Gai knew about Tenzō, it really shouldn't have surprised him.
"Come with me, Gai. Help me find him."
"I feel this is a journey that you have to make on your own, my friend."
Kakashi had looked away at that, realising for the first time how vast his journey would be. How lonely. The realisation made him wonder how lonely Tenzō might be and his heart clenched.
"I tell you what. I will help you start your great journey. I will travel with you for a few days, then return to the village."
"Tell me, how do you even think you will manage that on your own?" Kakashi had asked, gesturing to the wheelchair Gai sat in.
"I wont be on my own. I have already enlisted the help of young Konohamaru."
Kakashi had stared at Gai in disbelief, the man had known exactly what he had intended to do, even before he himself had known.
"I doubt Tenzō even wants me to look for him. It is a fool's errand."
Gai briefly closed his eyes then leaned forward in his wheelchair to rest his mug on the table.
"You know, he loves you very much. I always saw it in the way he looked at you, the way he always wanted to make you happy. I saw how you loved him too, Kakashi. Saw it in the way you protected him. The war was hard on us all, and I have no doubt that it was very hard on poor Tenzō. Believe it or not, Kakashi, that man needs you just as much as you need him. The war ravaged this land and this people, don't allow it to keep you both from the happiness you deserve."
As the memory faded, his mind slowed towards sleep. Even in his memories, Gai was looking out for him. The memory had reminded him exactly why he was wandering the land in search of Tenzō.
"Tenzō." He whispered mournfully, feeling the cold blanket of loneliness fall over him as he gripped the pillow tighter.
Dragging the thin covers over his body, he pulled himself into a ball and soon fell asleep. As usual, his dreams were filled with images of war and he slept fitfully. By morning the covers would be on the floor and he would be a tangled mess in the centre of the bed. But it didn't matter. For after the dreams of war, came the dreams of the man he had lost. Kakashi would gladly suffer nightmares for the rest of his life, if only to live in the dream of being with Tenzō again.
TBC...
