Oh hai
Chapter 2
He was awake, yet he kept his eyes closed, listening to the doctors tell Pepper about his condition and the procedures they had taken – they'd pumped his stomach and now, there was medically no reason to keep him there. And best of all, since the entire event had taken place so early in the morning, he could be easily discharged without the media catching wind of it. Tony was at least grateful for that.
Still, he refused to open his eyes and deal with reality. The uncomfortable truth that Pepper had seen him last night in that…situation. He hated that pure fear and worry he had seen on her face just hours ago. It terrified him, and it made him feel like a monster. He had done that to her.
Of course, that had been a few hours ago. When he woke up now, she would be angry. Angry and aggravated that he hadn't been careful and that he'd scared her like that. And she had the right to be so angry.
What excuse did he have to give anyway? Nothing decent enough. Nothing except that he just wanted it to stop hurting.
I just wanted it to stop hurting. Is that so bad?
It was his fault – ending up in the hospital and scaring the hell out of one of the few people who actually cared about him. He could apologize, but what did that change?
Except for the few tears she had shed beside him in the workshop when she realized Tony had swallowed an entire bottle of prescription painkillers and sleeping pills, Pepper hadn't cried at all. Instead, she remained in the waiting room, her elbows resting on her knees and her hand forming a fist under her chin as she tried to reason what she had just seen.
She didn't know how.
She had seen Tony vulnerable, drunk, even scared. She'd known the man for ten years and she didn't think it was possible for her to be surprised by anything he did. The last surprise had been Iron Man and she was sure nothing could beat that.
But she had just seen him lying on a couch, half dead – and empty prescription bottles beside him.
Yet, despite the evidence in front of her, she couldn't help but think to herself, No. It's not that. It can't be. Not Tony Stark – Tony loved life, all too much in her opinion. The Tony she knew would never…
But there he was. And she knew what she saw. Part of her didn't want to believe it. But still, somewhere tugging at the back of her mind, a single question threatened to take hold.
What did I miss?
Things like this didn't just appear out of nowhere – there had to be a reason. And whatever the reason, she had missed it. Was it Afghanistan? Those three months he had disappeared had scared the hell out of her, but he had never talked about what he had gone through and what had happened. No one knew anything about Afghanistan. What monsters did he try to leave behind in that cave? What was he trying so hard to forget?
It had to be Afghanistan – it was the only thing that had changed. And these last few weeks he had been so aloof, so distant from the real world. Why? What was plaguing his mind, forcing him into retreat? This wasn't the Tony she knew.
What was scaring him?
What did I miss?
Whatever the problem was, Pepper knew she should have noticed. The Pepper of six months ago would have. The Pepper of six years ago would have noticed – but for some reason, she hadn't. And this was the result.
"You're not his babysitter," a voice from behind said, as if reading her mind. She smiled haphazardly, recognizing her boyfriend's voice and waited for him to come around and sit beside her.
She looked at him for a while, trying not to look as scared as she felt. "I know I'm not his babysitter," she told him. "But I keep thinking…" she looked away. How do I make him understand? "I missed something, Robert. He's been giving me hints, he's tried to tell me but I ignored him. And now-" She waved her hand towards his room and sighed sadly.
"You can't blame yourself for this," Robert told her.
Pepper shook her head, looking down at the floor. "Yes, I can," she insisted with certainty.
"No, you can't-"
"You don't understand, Robert," Pepper said suddenly, facing him again. "I've worked for him for ten years – I can tell he's in a bad mood because he doesn't even look at the Hot Rod in his workshop, I know to give him coffee only after meetings with board, the press or with Management. Any other meeting – he's fine with a Coke. He hates Starbucks and green tea, he's allergic to hydrocortisone, he thinks glass paperweights are an abomination and he hates it when people hand him things. Yet, somehow I managed to miss the fact, that he was honestly considering taking his own life..."
Robert didn't say anything and Pepper took in a shaky breath as she sat on her hand and tapped her foot anxiously, looking straight ahead but focusing on nothing. "Robert…I should have noticed. And I did. But I didn't do anything. So it's my fault."
He said nothing at first, waiting for her to cool down. Then he asked, "What was there to notice?"
"Robert, I told you-"
"No – tell me what you noticed. Talk about it."
Pepper sighed, her bottom lip curling. "He doesn't talk much anymore. He used to tell me everything and what he didn't tell me he at least dropped a few hints so I could catch on. But he's been by himself for a while. Like he's…running. I just thought he needed time. You know, after Afghanistan and Iron Man – I just thought he needed space. But now…" she shrugged slightly. "There was something else, I guess."
Robert just watched her for a moment, not sure what to feel. And he didn't realize the words had come out before he could stop them.
"Why do you care so much?" he asked.
Pepper looked exasperated, as if she couldn't believe what he was asking now. "Are you serious?"
Robert shook his head. "Never mind."
"No, Robert – I've worked for him for over a decade. He's not just my boss."
"Oh, so your best friends now?"
Pepper glared at him. "We're there for each other. When it counts. And I wasn't there for him. That's why it hurts. And that's why I care."
The two were silent for a moment and Robert twisted his lip to the side, quite aware of how badly he had just screwed up. "Virginia, I-"
"Robert, I'm not in the mood right now," she said coldly.
He stood up, understanding. He had to get to work. "I'll call you, alright?"
Still, Pepper said nothing, refusing to look at him and watch him leave. He kissed her cheek but she refused to respond and he left her, promising himself to talk to her later.
But Pepper had already dropped the entire subject, choosing to forget him; at least for now. Right now, her mind was preoccupied, trying to understand how she could have possibly missed something like this. When her parents had died, Tony was there, understanding her pain. When her last boyfriend had cheated on her, Tony had opened up her guest room for the week. They were there for each other and they were friends.
So how did she miss this?
Tears flowed for the second time that day.
The second time he woke up, Pepper was in the room and she had her back to him. Her Blackberry was held up to her ear. "Yes, Mr. Stark will be unavailable throughout the rest of this week. Next week Thursday works just fine…of course, I'll let him know. Thank you very much…"
She sounded hoarse and though she hid it well, Tony could tell she had either been crying, or was trying hard not to. That's my fault. I did that.
Still, a part of him tried to rationalize in order to lift the blame that fell on his shoulders. She wasn't supposed to be there. Why was there? At four in the morning? What made her show up so late?
No. This isn't because of her. This is because of me. Because I couldn't handle it.
He hated that she had seen him like that – that's what was really devouring him now. He hated that at his absolute worst and most vulnerable, she had been there to witness it. Tony knew she would never use that night against him but it pained him nevertheless.
He was embarrassed.
A stupid emotion for something as grave and serious as last night, but that's what he felt. And he was ashamed that he felt embarrassed.
Then, another idea, took hold of him, and his embarrassment was abandoned.
She'd be angry at him, he suddenly remembered. Last night, she was scared. But hours had passed between then and now and she had probably taken the time to go through what she had seen and what had happened. And knowing his Pepper Potts, she would be frustrated and angry – angry that he hadn't called her sooner, angry that he had inconvenienced so many people because he was being stupid. He'd explain that he hadn't done it on purpose – that it was an accident. And her anger would subside as she understood, but he wasn't entirely fond of the initial anger that he was about to face.
He shifted in his bed and as he did, Pepper spun around to face him. Tony saw her red eyes and immediately cringed. I did that.
But she wasn't angry. Instead, she quickly walked up to him and hugged him.
Something is wrong. That was his first thought. And when she finally let go, he searched her eyes for the anger he expected. He couldn't handle surprises – not now at least.
"Hey, Tony," she said, trying to smile reassuringly. It wasn't working.
He blinked once, not sure what to say. Then, finally, he decided on, "Uh…hi…"
She smiled again, a real one this time. Still, he didn't understand. She was trying to look reassuring and he saw the relief in her eyes. Relief that he was fine? He didn't understand.
Why was it so difficult to just understand?
No, that look in her eyes was not solely relief. There was something else within her beautiful eyes like the sea – churning and always moving, masking the truths that could be found if he dove further. And what he saw beneath the waves of relief, were the churning waters of pity and fear. But absolutely no sense or whisper of disappointment; just pity – pure and hopeless pity.
But why show sympathy? There was no reason for her to be sympathetic, at least not quite yet. For all she knew, he had overdosed on drugs as opposed to alcohol – she was supposed to be confused, angry and disappointed. Shocked, maybe. Pity suggested that though she cared, she didn't know what else to do. Pity suggested that she had lost hope or wasn't sure where to replenish her dwindling supply.
"How are you feeling?" she asked, genuinely fearful. Yes – fearful. "Do you feel alright?"
Tony was still dazed, hastily attempting to connect the dots to a very fuzzy painting. "I'm—fine…I think, I'm…"
When he tapered off, she simply nodded, as if to reassure him that he didn't have to explain himself. "You'll be fine, alright? We'll…we'll figure this out and you'll be fine, okay?"
The meaning behind her words suddenly crashed upon him, like waves on a beach. He had been blessed with knowledge behind the truth – or the truth she had created. What she truly meant – and now he finally understood.
She thought he had tried to kill himself.
He found himself speechless, immediately shocked and stunned into silence. And as she attempted to reassure him that all would be well, he continued to attempt to simply understand. Of course, now that he was in his right mind and could reflect on what had happened, he understood that it most certainly looked like attempted suicide. Empty prescription bottles around him, one of which were sleeping pills…the evidence was definitely present.
But this was also Pepper Potts – his Pepper Potts; the woman who had worked for him for over ten years. And for some reason she had thought he would honestly try to kill himself.
Didn't she know him? Had the last decade meant nothing? Had she learned nothing about him whatsoever?
Why would she think that? Tony Stark was many things but he loved life – almost to a dangerous level, and if she had learned nothing, she should at least know that Tony definitely believed that since he could only live once, he might as well live long and party hard – before Afghanistan, at least.
But now he had the Iron Man suits; a duty and a calling. Why would he give it up just like that? And for what? Why?
What would make her think suicide?
And as these thoughts flooded his mind, he was suddenly filled with uncontrollable rage; rage towards a pain that was preventing him from living – from thinking even. A rage directed towards a particular Pepper Potts whom he was sure didn't know him at all.
"You'll be fine…" she repeated.
He was suddenly filled with disgust – and he wasn't sure who was the object of this disgust. Was he repulsed with Pepper who seemed to not know him after all? Or was he repulsed with himself – who had swallowed the pills and made the situation look like what it was not?
"Stop it," he suddenly murmured angrily. He wasn't even aware the words had left his lips.
Pepper hesitated, startled for a brief moment. "What?"
"Stop consistently repeating yourself and-"
Where was this coming from? "Tony, I-"
"Pepper," he said suddenly, in all seriousness, looking into her eyes. "Pepper, I didn't…I didn't try to…"
She knew what he was going to say – the claim he was about to maintain. Tony, don't do this. Not now. We can talk later, we shouldn't talk about this now, you just woke up…
"Tony, maybe-"
As soon as she uttered those two words, he knew he had lost. She had already formed her truth. And nothing would change her mind now – her stubbornness was annoying, but he couldn't help but admire it. But now, he wanted to grab her by the shoulders and scream. How could she think that? He trusted her – he trusted her to know him better than anyone else. And if she thought this, whom could he trust?
"You don't…think I did it on purpose, do you?" Tony checked. He had to check. Even now, so late in the game, he couldn't help but grant her the benefit of the doubt.
She sighed sadly and Tony was filled once more with rage – disappointment, anger, aggravation, sadness.
"Tony, maybe we should talk-"
"Why would you think that?" Tony yelled suddenly – a sound she almost never heard. When Tony was angry, he remained composed, speaking through tight lips and refusing to make eye contact – as if he hadn't the time to deal with you. But this obvious display of anger was different. And it frightened her.
"We can talk about it later-"
"What?" he exclaimed suddenly, as if he couldn't believer his ears. "What – no! No, we're going to talk about this now-!"
"Tony, stop," she begged, fearfully. She wasn't used to seeing him like this – so wound up. And it terrified her. Was this proof that she was right? Was he simply in denial?
Tony finally obliged and said nothing. Instead, he turned away from her, looking straight ahead towards the transparent doors. The next words he uttered were said in a tone Pepper could finally recognize – in a quiet hush through tightly drawn lips.
"You can leave now," he told her simply.
His eyes were dark – black even, and she found it impossible to read them. But despite her hurt, she did leave, because she thought it was best; at least for now. She said nothing as she turned her back to him and left.
Happy drove the pair home just a few hours later. Naturally, he wanted to ask why he was picking them up from the hospital and not anywhere else but just as Pepper and Tony stepped into the back of the car, he could immediately sense the dense tension that filled the car.
Perfect.
"Pepper, why did you cancel the meeting at four tomorrow?" he had asked in that same yet terrifying hushed tone.
"I…cancelled everything for this week," she told him, as if that was reason enough.
"That's ridiculous, there's no reason for that."
"Tony-"
"Fix it," he demanded. And that was the end of the discussion.
But it wasn't for Pepper. She was growing frustrated and exasperated – perhaps she should have been more understanding or aware that maybe all he needed now was space, or at the very least, time. But she wasn't one to stand by on the sidelines and do absolutely nothing.
So instead she leaned toward him and angrily muttered, "Tony, what did you honestly expect me to think? Put yourself in my shoes and think, if you had seen me like that, what would you have thought? What did you expect me to do?"
I would have thought there was something I didn't know. Because even though I never know what day of the week it is or what time my next meeting is, I know you. And I know what you can, could and never would do. And I wouldn't accept any answer until I knew everything that had happened first.
At least, that's what he liked to believe.
I would have thought I missed something. I would have thought it was my fault because I never pay attention. I never know when my next meeting is and it took me three days to realize you had replaced the furniture in the living room. And even though I think I know you and can tell just by looking at you when you're angry, or frustrated, or disappointed, I would think that I had missed something. And that it was somehow my fault.
That was the truth. So why did he expect so much more from her? Simply because she was Pepper Potts – the one person he knew he could trust with anything?
But what had happened last night and what she had seen, or thought she had seen – they had crossed a new line into unknown territory. Maybe he needed to understand with her.
He didn't answer her question until they had arrived at the Stark mansion.
"I expected you to talk to me first before you jumped to conclusion," he answered honestly.
Pepper hadn't expected a true answer and was surprised to discover her simple question had been in his mind during the entire car ride. She dropped her purse on the table and looked at him, transparent honesty in her eyes. "Tony," she called and he stopped moving to look at her.
"So tell me," she said. "Tell me what happened."
They were finally getting somewhere – actually talking instead of arguing and ignoring each other. Maybe they could get to the bottom of this and figure out what had happened. Together.
But instead of answering her this time, he simply shook his head. "No." And he turned to make his way back down to the shop.
"Why, not? Why won't you tell me?" Why is he doing this? What does he expect me to think now?
Halfway down the stairs, he stopped and faced her. "I can't tell you," and she instantly recognized his sincerity.
She hadn't expected that answer – maybe the truth or a lie or a mixture of the two. But not this. Not blatant reluctance.
What was he trying to hide?
She could have followed him downstairs – pursued him and forced the truth out of him. But instead, she chose to accept that there were some boundaries friendship dare not cross.
So she left.
Thanks for reading and review please. :)
xoxo
