Deep breaths. Deep calming, eyes closed breaths. Breathing slowly in through your nose, hold for three seconds, and then slowly let out through your mouth.
She repeated over and over as she stood in front of the funeral home trying not to pass out in front of everyone. Her mind focused on other things so her hands didn't shake, finding it best to keep her hands shoved into her pockets refusing to shake any one's hands. Though she took one hand out and kept a hold of her nephew's hand gingerly, giving him a sad smile. He looked so much like his father that it hurt, even though his father never agreed, and she wasn't sure how much her heart would be able to take of it. Though the look he gave her told her she'd be taking a lot of it because she wanted to, not because she thought she had to.
God had to be punishing her for that argument that she had with him before-
Her breathing became shallow, coming more often as she tried to keep the bile that threatened to come up down. She didn't need what would come with her break down and especially not in front of the family. She was grateful when Matt's arm slipped around her waist as he leaned down and whispered in her ear. "I can practically hear you mentally telling yourself how to breath." Normally she would have smiled at that but she couldn't manage anything except a bare nod. People had to be almost done coming by now, wouldn't matter if they hadn't.
Her grandfather took one of her hands in his and patted it with his free one, and Angelica just about lost it right then and there. "Go sit down, Sweetheart, they'll be beginning soon." Leaning forward she kissed his cheek and let Matt lead her and her nephew to their seats in the front row.
This shouldn't be happening, was all she could think as she picked up the three-year-old and held him in her lap. Swallowing the lump in her throat as he clung to her trying to find the very person who wouldn't be showing up. She had hoped for the last few days he was faking, that he'd text her off a disposable telling her to call the pager or some random street payphone. There was nothing. Which is how she wanted to feel at the moment. Nothing. Unfortunately she didn't and that made it harder for her to keep it together in front of her nephew.
As soon as the casket was closed it was off to the cemetery where they would say the only goodbye that was forever. They were waiting on her and she couldn't even move from the spot where she was standing. She was leaning against her car hunched over and emptying the contents of her stomach. Matt stood by her rubbing her back, keeping her hair out of the way, and Emmeline held onto the three-year-old boy she'd come to know quite well. Angelica just couldn't get a hold of herself at the moment, feeling extremely dizzy and light headed when she tried to stand up straighter than she had been.
"Take you're time, babe, no one's rushing you and if anyone tries there's a whole crew ready to knock them down." Her heart plummeted as she turned her red puffy eyes to him. She threw her arms around her neck and bawled like she had when she was five. That's what she wanted to do, instead she took his hand in hers which told him she needed him. No words necessary. "You have me, Angel. Always will." Nodding slowly she briefly let go of his hand to loop her arm around his before lacing her fingers in between his once again. "Just tell me when."
She glanced over at Emmeline and Jack which hand her holding Matt's hand even tighter, his free hand moving to cover hers to let her know that it would be okay. She wasn't sure how he could know that when everything in her just wanted to fall over, curl up, and forget about everything that was happening just to stop feeling for a few moments. Stop feeling like the world was crashing down on her and keep her as relaxed as she possibly could with burying her only brother.
They walked to the small row of seating and she took one of the empty seats, though when Emmeline moved to go stand with everyone else Angelica shook her head and sat herself on Matt's lap, his arms wrapping around her waist as she leaned back into him. Marcus had cared a great deal about the blonde and Jack loved her so she couldn't think of any place she should be other than the spot beside them. "Sit, Emmy, it's okay." Was it wrong to be glad that Emmeline's mom agreed to watching her young son Damien? It was the only thing she had said the entire time, her mother sent her a watery evil look but Angelica ignored her. If she could be there like she was mother-of-the-fucking year then Emmeline could have a spot because Jack loved her. Because Marcus loved her. Because Angelica was now the head of it all and it's what she wanted.
It felt like it dragged on and then it came to her, to her having to talk about him. Her legs felt like Jelly as she tried to keep her breathing even.
Shaking her head when Matt went to stand, placing her hat on top of Jack's head, and giving Emmeline a weak smile.
Standing in front of everyone, even with how small the crowd was, mad her feel nauseous. Turning her attention to Matt she locked her chocolate brown eyes with his clear blue ones before she began. "Family. It's the one thing Marcus put above everyone and everything else. Whether it be the woman that wiggled into his hear to his three-year-old son. Marcus Alexander Malone was a good man. He," she had to take a moment to gather herself and let out the shaky breath.
"I argued with him the day he died and before he did he told me it never mattered. He'd all ready forgotten about it. And I know if I had listened-" Emmeline had gotten up up and taken her hand, matching puffy red eyes and tear stained face. "When I was younger that it wouldn't have taken so long to figure out that even when he was wrong he was right. That the brother, who was only eight years older than I, took better care of me than our parents. Our father beat him, our mother lied for our father, and- as for me, I adored him. I fought with him due to how much alike we are. Even bought the same present for each other a few Christmases back." Angelica wiped her face before she looked back at the small gathering of people.
"I end with this: for those that knew him well knew he was a real hero. I found a quote, years back, that reminded me of him. Even when he told me it didn't." She squeezed Emmy's hand and forced back tears that threatened to slip down her cheeks. "Frank Miller once said: The noir hero is a knight in blood caked armor. He's dirty and he does his best to deny the fact he's a hero the whole time."
Angelica stepped down with Emmeline and placed the rose she had grabbed on his closed casket. "If only I could have saved you." She whispered before going back to where Matt was seated and scooped Jack up in her arms.
The moment it was over people started to leave, head to where the after even would be. Angelica stayed. Holding Jack's hand as they stood there and nodded they could start. Usually they couldn't lower the casket while family was still there, but Angelica had to be sure that he wasn't coming back. That she wouldn't be beating on his chest, calling him an asshole, and sobbing because she's so pissing at him for putting them through all that. Because if he came back now she would question who it was that really died in her arms that night.
It's the one thing that only Matthew McCullough knew and he had watched as it tore her a part.
"Aunt Angie, why are they dropping daddy?" Ange looked down at him and hung her head as she stared at the ground. "Stop them, please."
"Baby, I can't. I'm sorry. Your daddy isn't waking up."
"But he has to! Daddy said so. He's going to wake up." Ange's body started to quiver as she dropped down to her knees, gathering Jack in her arms. "He promised, Aunt Angie!"
"Jack, he's not coming back this time. I'm so sorry." The moment Jack realized she couldn't, or wouldn't, stomp them he started crying as she held onto him tightly. "I'm so sorry." The tears streamed down her face freely as she stayed there holding her nephew and silently crying with him.
When she'd managed to compose herself she stood, holding Jack as he sniffled and tried to keep from crying anymore. She was glad that Matt hadn't left, nor had Emmeline.
"Can I have him?" Emmeline whispered and Angelica freely handed Jack over to her, waiting until he was strapped in his car seat to wrap her arms around Matt and try not to cry into his shirt.
"It's okay. It's just me." He held her close and she felt like she couldn't hold onto him tightly enough, even as her fingers curled around the fabric in her grip turning her knuckles ghost while. "I'm not them, Ange. It's okay to break around me." It was like something blew up the dam as she startled bawling into his chest and trying to talk a mile a minute at the same time, which actually didn't work but he just held her and smoothed down her thick wavy hair. They both knew they'd have to join everyone soon but if she kept it in any longer she possibly would have blown up.
"If-if-I had-"
Matt pulled back shaking his head as he cupped her face in his hands. "Don't you dare do that. This is not your fault and I won't let you blame yourself for it. This was a horrible thing, babe, but you didn't kill him. You tried to save him, and I won't stand here and hear you beat yourself up." She opened her mouth to say something, her breath jumping as she breathed in and Matt leaned his forehead gently against hers. "Don't. Just don't, Angel."
When she was calm enough the four of them proceeded to Marcus' house and she just took slow deep breaths as she held Jack as tight as she could. She'd be damn if anything was going to happen to her nephew. To her god-son. Without a second thought she took the familiar steps up the stairs to Jack's bedroom, laying the small child down upon his bed and kissed his forehead. "I will always protect you. I promised Marcus I would." Her heart ached and she stood there staring down at the small child, closing her eyes for a moment and running her fingers through her thick hair. As if nothing could make this day worse.
She left her coat and hat on the side table in the hallway as she made her way back tot eh stairs, pausing at the top of them to survey her family. The stony expression on her face as she glanced around her hands laying on the railing tightened until her knuckles were once again white when she took notice of the man hanging on her mother's arm. He wasn't welcome and she saw everyone who recognized him tensed before murmuring to one another. She was glad that Matt took notice and brought Emmeline upstairs standing beside her before Ange said anything. "Go watch over Jack, please. You don't need to be in this fight, Emmy. Marcus wouldn't forgive me." She caught a glance of the look Emmy shot Matt before going to Jack's room. Emmy's mother was watching her son until the event was over, and if HE wasn't between the stairs and the door she would have insisted Emmy leave.
Matt went to stop her but she sent him a killing look. "Don't. He killed my brother." He wanted to argue but what she had learned Peyton had done kind of made it a muted point. "He's not welcome here." She hoped Matt knew nothing would happen to the older male today, but she wasn't going to let it go.
He'd take the only blood family who had ever given a damn about her and she wasn't going to breathe easy until that debt was repaid.
Her heeled boots sounded loudly on the steps as everyone quieted down, staring up at her as she stopped halfway down. "Get out of my house." The venom laced each word and she didn't even try and hide how much she hated him at the moment.
"You don't-"
"I damn well will!" Her voice raised and then she lowered it as she moved toward him, standing a few steps away from him. "You had my brother killed. You aren't going to stand in my home, eat my food, drink my alcohol, and pretend that no one here knows what the fuck you did. You can call yourself our father but you're nothing but the monster from the closet I haven't been afraid of since I was nine."
Her hands were shaking as she turned her attention toward two of the guys with the hand covering their holsters, Ange shook her head and they stood down for the moment. "Don't think you're going to walk away from this unscathed, you won't. And if you don't get out of my home right now, it'll be sooner than you think." The two guys she'd shook her head at came up behind him and Matt had wrapped his arms around her waist to keep her in place.
"You won't get me before your time comes. The one who killed your brother really wanted you." The smirk on his lips had her pouncing at him, ready to rip his heart out herself if Matt had let her go and the guards weren't escorting him out.
"His heart, in his teeth like it's an apple and his head on a silver platter. Starting tomorrow! Anyone caught hiding or aiding him will suffer the same fate! The rule was and always will be blood doesn't kill blood without them shedding their own blood first!"
Matt looked slightly disappointed when she turned to him but all she did was walk away. She had to calm down, cool off before she hurt someone and she was all ready starting to regret her outburst. She slammed her hands down on the desk in front of her as she stood in front of her brother's desk. "Angelica." She heard Emmeline's voice behind her and she let out a slow breath before facing her. "I'm not going to lecture but I don't think he'd have wanted you to do this." Looking at her angelica knew she was right but this wasn't something that she could just let go of. "But I do understand, and I'm not going to pretend to know how he'd hurt you before this. I do hope if you get it that it's what you really want. Just know it won't bring him back."
Opening her mouth she looked down at her hands and she wasn't sure how to stop the words from coming out. "I want him home and I know he won't be coming back. And it just seems that, no matter how many times, it just won't come off." She looked up and saw a confused Emmeline and just shook her head, forcing a small smile as she looked at the blonde in front of her. "Never mind. He did love you, Emmy. I know that doesn't make anything better, but he really did." She hugged her and it wasn't like it was awkward. No. It was like hugging someone who'd been a part of her family. "You're always welcome here. No matter what time." She pulled back and shared the best smile the both of them could manage before heading out of the small office.
"I know." She knew that was a good-bye sentence. Neither one of them wanted to say those two words, not today when they seemed so final. Damien needed Emmeline and she needed to collect herself before she lost it once again.
"Feel free to bring Damien. I'm sure Jack'll enjoy it." Emmeline nodded before they departed. Ange knew she went to find Matt and she was headed to the kitchen to pour her a drink before she exited the house. She was beginning to feel claustrophobic.
The moment she had her drink in hand and the cold breeze hit her cheeks all she could do was stand there, glass sitting on the railing and her hands wrapped securely around it. "Please forgive me but I can't- can't justify him breathing when he's out to kill us both. I'm so sorry." The coat wrapped around her and the hat placed on her head told her Matt had gotten the same idea as her, or that he knew her way too well.
He didn't say anything as they stood there staring at the frozen land in front of them, neither one made a move from the spot they were standing in. Everything was all ready done. Everything was all ready said. While she knew he hadn't agreed with what it was she had said when her father had been there she knew that he wouldn't say anything on it. Least not today.
She however was adamant about what she had said. She wanted his head on a silver platter and she wanted his heart used as an apple. In the end she pictured he'd look like a little pig who'd been slaughtered.
"The party's starting to dissolve, when everyone's gone do you want me to leave?" She didn't say anything, because honestly Ange wasn't sure if her voice would work at that moment. She didn't want him to leave, that much she knew. "I can't read your mind right now. Is silence a yes?" She opened her mouth but nothing came out so all she did was shake her head. "I'll stay then." He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her into his side, leaning his cheek against the top of her head. "I love you, Angelica Fiona Malone, so when they leave you're all mine."
"Just make me forget. It's all I want." The words were small and quietly whispered from her lips, as she leaned against him and placed the drink to her lips taking a slow small sip.
His lips pressed against her temple before his words were murmured against her skin. "I can't make you forget for forever, but I can offer a temporary band-aid for that." Nothing else was spoken as they stood there quietly, Ange had shifted to wrap her arms around his middle and was glad that he was there. If there was one person that knew her better than she knew her it was him, and at that moment she didn't need discussions or faked sympathy. Angelica just needed him and everything that entailed.
