NOTHING COMES FROM NOTHING

Disclaimer: See previous chapters.

CHAPTER 1

I do not want to make reasons for you to stay, only reasons for you to return.

Jonivan

How could a memory be so hazy, and yet so sharp at the same time?

Sometimes, in her old age, Maria pondered about the question. Was it because those thirteen days she spent at the Abbey after leaving the von Trapp household would always be too painful to remember?

She had never been unhappier in her life. She would never, ever again feel so unhappy. She was hopeless, and it had been only hope for a fulfilling life, a life full of purpose that had been the one thing that had guided her, that had kept her whole until that day.

Now she had nothing at all, she was lost. She did not know what was expected of her, she did not even know what she wanted herself. Well, she did know very well what she wanted, but if she acknowledged that, she would be forced to believe in the impossible, and that was something that she was not yet prepared to do.

She found herself back in the only home she ever knew before she went to live with the von Trapps – Nonnberg Abbey. She was surrounded by loving, holy women whose guidance she had always trusted and treasured, each and every one of them a little bit of mother to her in their many facets… How could they help her now, how could they possibly know? He had touched her no matter how innocently, his eyes had burned her – how could she ever be the same? How could those women, who had pledged themselves to the purest, to the holiest of all forms of love, ever understand feelings that were so primitive, carnal, so earthy?

Theresa would help her if she could (1). She would understand her dilemma. However, her postulant friend she was no longer there, she was no longer at Nonnberg Abbey. No, Theresa had been far braver than Maria could possibly be, she had gathered enough strength defied her family who wanted her to become a nun, in spite of her lack of vocation, and had run away with her lover… Yet, even that Maria could do because there was at least one essential and very basic difference. Theresa´s was loved by the one she had chosen over her religious vows. Captain von Trapp, on the other hand, was most probably having a good laugh about the young governess´s silly infatuation with him, sharing a glass of that atrociously expensive champagne he was so fond of with a certain sophisticated Baroness from Vienna… Oh, she could almost hear the sound of their laughter!

No, she could not bear to even think of him anymore. Every single scrap of memory, every fleeting thought that led her to him was excruciatingly painful. She had to avoid it at all costs.

What made matters worse was that she knew that she did not belong there at the Abbey anymore, it was no longer her home. That was what a stubborn little voice in the back of her head whispered all the time, when she tried to convince herself otherwise.

The smell of incense and old furniture in the Reverend Mother´s study that had felt so welcoming only weeks before now oppressed her, making it difficult for her to breathe.

The words… those she would never forget. The Reverend Mother guessing the whole truth after only a few stuttered words, saying it aloud, hitting Maria in the chest with the scorching precision of one of the Captain´s deadly torpedoes. Thinking about it, dreaming about it was one thing. Hearing someone else say it was something else entirely, as Maria had began to learn recently, from Baroness Schraeder.

"Why did they send you back to us?"

"They didn't send me back, Mother, I - I left."

"Sit down, Maria. Tell me what happened."

"Well, I - I was frightened."

"Frightened? Were they unkind to you?"

"Oh, no! No, I - I was - I was confused. I - I felt… Oh, I've never felt that way before. I couldn't stay. I knew that here I'd be away from it. I'd be… safe."

'Maria, our Abbey is not to be used as an escape. What is it
you can't face?"

"I can't face him again."

"Captain Von Trapp? Are you in love with him?"

"I don't know! The Baroness said I was. She - she said
that he was in love with me, but I-I didn't want to believe it. Oh, there were times when we would look at each other. Oh Mother, I could hardly
breathe."

"Did you let him see how you felt?"

"If I did, I didn't know it. That's what's been torturing me. I was there on God's errand. To have asked for his love would have been wrong. Oh, I couldn't stay, I just couldn't. I'm ready at this moment to take my vows. Please help me."

"Maria, the love of a man and a woman is holy, too. You have a great capacity to love. What you must find out is how God wants you to spend your love."

"But I pledged my life to God, I - I've pledged my life to his service."

"My daughter, if you love this man, it doesn't mean you love God less. No. You must find out. You must go back."

"Oh, Mother, you can't ask me to do that. Please, let me stay. I beg of you."

"Maria, these walls were not built to shut out problems. You
have to face them. You have to live the life you were born to live."

The life she was born to live…

Oh, the power of those simple words! They gave Maria back the hope she believed she had lost, they made her strong again. She fed on that hope, desperately. Like a starving soul she had allowed them to nurture her as she changed again into secular clothes, as she packed her few belongings in her old carpet back, fetched her inseparable guitar and made her way back to Aigen, whistling and singing songs about having confidence in herself like she had once done in what now felt like ages ago, naïvely daring to believe that she could be that same innocent, carefree girl she was when she first took that short journey.

If she only knew…

If she only knew that it would all begin again, the most terrible nightmare!

Maria did not know it yet, but she was destined to have a long and fulfilling life ahead of her. She was destined to find love, to have a family and children of her own. She would find her dream, the life she was meant to live, just as the Reverend Mother described it. Naturally, she would not have believe it if anyone had assured her just after she had left Nonnberg Abbey, because she would always remember the day of her return to the von Trapp household as the worst of her entire life. There had been a particular moment so unbearably painful that she had felt her heart being shattered, and the ground disappearing beneath her feet. Her confidence, her strength and courage faltered – she had never before felt so weak and helpless, and prayed that she would never feel that way again. The fact that there would be many happy memories to follow, none of then ever made her forget the icy wave that hit her when she heard the news from the children, the moment she returned from the Abbey…

"Liesl, you all right?"

"Just fair."

"Many telegrams delivered here lately?"

"None at all, Fraulein. But I'm learning to accept it. I'll be glad when school begins."

"Oh, Liesl, you can't use school to escape your problems. You have to face them."

How she wished for a crystal ball, to tell her what was coming after that innocent dialogue!

One must face one's problems and not use anything else as an escape…

Indeed!

She was about to swallow her own words, about to have a good dose of her own medicine. How she wished that she believed in crystal balls, or at least she had the power to vanish into thin air. Who had given her the news? Had it been Louisa or Brigitta? She did not quite remember, although she remembered exactly what was said.

"Oh, I have so much to tell you all," she had begun excitedly, almost feeling just like the girl who walked into the gates of the Trapp Villa not long ago.

Her life again had appeared so bright and full of promise. Everything would be fine, in a way or another. She would confront the Captain, and accept whatever fate had reserved for her. Thanks to the Reverend Mother, she felt strong enough to ask him what she wanted to know, strong enough to listen to his answer – whatever it was – and live with it afterwards, because she would know for certain it was what was expected of her.

That was not, of course, what she had intended to tell the children. She wanted to talk to them about the marvelous plans she had made for the rest of the summer, about all the fun they would have, the new madrigals she wanted to teach them during picnics in the Salzburg countryside. She wanted to tell them about her idea of taking them to a concert or two during the Festspiele

"We have things to tell you, too."

It was Louisa who had spoken those words, she remembered it well now. The girl sounded like the old Louisa, the bitter thirteen year old she met when she first came to the house, not like the mischievous tomboy she became after just a few weeks. Louisa's gloomy tone of voice should have warned her, at least to control her enthusiasm, to brace herself. But it did not.

"I'm sure you do," she exclaimed happily, still oblivious of the subdued atmosphere surrounding the children.

Brigitta – cool, calm and controlled Brigitta – who gave her the news in a paused voice, almost as if she knew how much they would affect her.

"The most important thing is that Father's going to be married."

"Married?"

She remembered just babbling the world, too stunned to react in any other way. It brought her memory back to one of the worst days of her childhood, when a bully from her school had punched her hard in the stomach. That was how it felt, the instant when her worst fears had come true.

Married!

Captain von Trapp was marrying Baroness Schraeder.

The phrase echoed over and over again, she replayed it in her mind in order to convince herself that it was indeed a fact.

It should be old news to her, if she were any wiser. The Reverend Mother had tactfully warned her just before she left that the Captain might no longer be a free man when she arrived and that she should prepare herself to face that possibility. The fact that Captain von Trapp was soon to be married for the second time was in the wagging mouths of every other gossiper in Salzburgerland, and this even before her departure, but there wasn't any kind of official announcement. During the journey from Salzburg to Aigen, the possibility occurred to her once or twice, but she dismissed it, refusing to even consider the worst possible scenario, and clinging to her old confidence and optimism.

Did Brigitta´s words meant that it finally happened? That the engagement was now official?

Married…

Maria wanted to kick herself. In her still shocked mind, she applied to herself every self-deprecating adjective she could think of.

"That serves you right, for daring to believe too much in fairy tales. That was what you wanted, deep inside, wasn't it, when you decided to come back? You wanted the happily ever after ending, but you forgot such things are for Baronesses, not for commoners like you. What were you thinking? That when you got back you would find him on bended knee with a bouquet of red roses waiting for your arrival, only to ask you to marry him? Well, he may certainly want something from you, but whatever that is, your golden ring will not be the one replacing the old one in his right hand."

The children somehow noticed her distress, and surrounded her in a protective circle. For the first time, she wondered how much they knew, if they had somehow sensed her feelings towards the Captain. Children could be so incredibly perceptive at times. No, they could not know, how could they? They were upset because of their obvious dislike of the Baroness, not for any other reason. Although she had no doubt that those children loved her, they did so as a governess, an older sister perhaps, but not as… their mother.

Their father´s wife.

No, the idea was too painful to be considered. The mere thought of it at that moment would only drive her deeper into hopelessness.

The next words hardly needed to be spoken to her at all.

"Yes, to Baroness Schraeder."

"Oh, I see…"

The worst of it all had been that she was not even given any time to prepare herself to face him after having heard that. With her thoughts in turmoil, her panic increased when she saw the children looking towards the veranda.

"Oh, Father, look! Look!"

"Father, Fraulein Maria's come back from the Abbey."

She immediately made a decision: He would never know about her feelings. Whatever happened, what she felt for him would remain a secret she would carry to her grave.

"I am going to survive this."

Swallowing the lump in her throat, she raised her head to look up at him. Thankfully her pride was still intact – it was the only thing that kept her from breaking down.

"I will not cower and run away again. Never again. I will stay until the end, until I can't bear it anymore."

"Good evening, Captain," she greeted him, bravely. She rarely spoke him with such formality, but it was only the necessary first step. It was time to go back to being only the governess to the children of a distinctive aristocrat, just like in the first days after her arrival.

"Good evening!"

His tone was sarcastic, and she did not know if it was because of her unusual extreme politeness, or because she had just returned, without giving him any warning that she would, or even bother to ask if she even could return to her work. It was almost like he wanted to say "well, well, well, look who left the Abbey and decided to grace ourselves with her presence." Well, she would know soon enough.

"All right, everyone inside. Go and get your dinner." He clasped his hands, and the children happily rushed into the house, carrying her carpet bag and guitar with them.

Maria suddenly felt oddly naked without her personal belongings around her – the contents of the carpet bag and the old guitar was all she had in the world. Now she was left to face the Captain with nothing to hold on to. Even her dress was not her own – it was another hand-me-down from a new postulant who had been admitted to the Abbey only the day before she had left. She was not even sure what to do with her hands, so she let them drop to her side.

"No, I can´t be alone with him yet. It is too soon…" she thought desperately. Yet, in spite of her achingly expressive eyes, there was little or nothing in her stance that betrayed her inner turmoil.

What would he do now? – She wondered. Would he glare and yell at her, telling to go back to the Abbey immediately? Part of her even wanted him to do that, because it would provide the escape she needed at the moment. Still, another part of her wanted him to ask her to stay.

For what?

Oh, she did not know what she wanted anymore. To make matters worse, he certainly wasn't helping. He did not do anything for a while, he just stood there, as intensely handsome as she remembered him.

He walked down towards her.

One, two steps.

Closer and closer.

The expression in his eyes changed as he walked - there was no longer sarcasm there, but something else that was exactly what she was afraid to face. It was almost as if he was looking at her for the very first time, really looking at her. Something in him had changed while she was away. When he spoke again, there was a softness in his voice that was entirely new to her. If he meant his words to be accusing, that wasn't at all how they appeared to her.

"You left without saying goodbye... even to the children." He seemed strangely bewildered.

"Well, it was wrong of me. Forgive me," she replied, relieved that he had not shouted at her. She still tried to keep the best formal tone, the one a governess should always apply when addressing her employer.

"Why did you?" he asked.

The Captain, on the other hand, was not talking to her like she was his governess. That something she had seen in his eyes was in his voice as well – it was intimate. Not the familiar tone he used with his friends, but something else entirely. She had not heard him speak like that, even to his children.

"Please don't ask me. Anyway, the reason no longer exists," she said with a light shrug, managing to twitch her lips into a weak smile as she uttered the half lie.

"Hah! But if a reason for you to abandon us like that existed, then I must know about it," he said, with one of his inevitable little smirks. Yes, he was trying to back her up against a wall again, but, like everything else about him that day, it was different.

"You left in the middle of the night," he stated.

"Yes, I suppose I did."

"You walked alone all the way from Aigen to Salzburg, in the dark… You put yourself in so much unnecessary danger, you must have had a very good reason for it."

"You may be right, Captain."

"I am right, Fräulein."

"Erhm." It was a different kind of "Fräulein" this time, he had never said it quite like that before. It sounded like an endearment, not like a command or a polite form of address. She swallowed and continued.

"It hardly matters anymore, does it - Captain?" she shrugged. "I am here now, safe and sound, aren't I?"

"You most certainly are," he purred, only to become serious again.

"Of course, if you…" He raised one eyebrow. "If you do not wish me to stay anymore…"

"I was not going to say that!" he snapped, defensively.

Still, she insisted.

"If you want me to go away, I´ll understand. I… I realize I should have warned you I was coming back, but, you see… there was no time…" she muttered incoherently, unable to end any of the sentences she started, as she realized that maybe now he would not even want her there anymore, because of his upcoming wedding, or because of the way she had left, without any warning. Her head dropped, as she waited for his answer, knowing that she might even be unwelcome at the Trapp villa.

She did not have to wait more than a blink of an eye.

"No!" he nearly shouted the word, and she startled.

"So you do want me to…"

"Stay! Yes, yes, you may stay. You will stay." Quickly, he added. "This time I am not asking, I am ordering."

"Why?" was her expectant question. "Why do you want me to stay, now that you have the Baroness?"

She had to ask. It would be the first step towards finding out what she needed to know, no matter what happened. She needed to find out if the Baroness had been right about his feelings for her. She knew that she would not have any kind of peace in her life again if she did not know.

"The Baroness…" he whispered, and a brief look of panic crossed his eyes. But he soon recovered himself, and returned to his old persona. "It does matter, Fräulein, the children would have me keelhauled if I let you leave again. And I… I…"

"Yes?"

"I don't want you to go either, so don't even think of trying to do that before I have a chance to – uh – to patch a few things."

"Patch a few things? What things?" She frowned at him.

"Not now," he replied. "Please, promise you won't leave again without talking to me first."

"Captain, I…"

"It is not an order this time, it is just another simple and very reasonable request, considering… everything. Can you do that?" She nodded weakly. "But make no mistake, I still would like an explanation from you about your untimely departure."

Maria said nothing, but her eyes pleaded with him. "Please… not now! Let me just catch my breath, I need time. I need to think!"

"Very well," he said, and she closed her eyes momentarily, in relief. "I will let you get away with it for the moment." Maria nodded, and started climbing the stairs, to go into the house. He stopped her. "You - uh – you forgot… You left something behind when you left, I need to return it to you."

"What?" she startled. "I did? I don't think so, Captain, I…"

The Baroness chose that moment to come out in the veranda. Maria's voice died when she saw her. The little glimmer of hope she had felt when she first saw him died completely. It was not the first time that she found the contrast between her and the aristocrat staggering. The feeling was not multiplied one hundred-fold. The woman looked cool and composed, exactly like she did the last time Maria had seen her, in her bedroom, when the Baroness had opened her eyes about the Captain and his intentions towards her. The Baroness's face, however, gave no indication that she even remembered their little conversation.

"Fraulein Maria, you've returned. Isn't it wonderful, Georg?" she said, taking his arm. Even to someone as naïve as Maria, the meaning of the gesture was obvious. It was utterly possessive. "No matter what he does to you, it is me who is going to wear his wedding ring," the Baroness seemed to be warning her. In answer to the question, the Captain looked down at her, grinning weakly – apologetically, almost.

Maria resorted to extreme politeness again, and did what was expected of her.

"May I wish you every happiness, Baroness, and you too, Captain. The children tell me you're going to be married."

His face became impassive when she said that – he was back to being the haughty aristocrat again. Maria hardly waited for the Baroness's response, and started running up the steps, praying that she would reach the safety of her room before the first tears began to fall.

"You are back to – uh - stay?" His voice interrupted her once again.

Maria stopped.

"Oh Lord, will this ever going to end?" She turned back to face the elegant couple a few steps below her. His question had alarmed the Baroness, who was looking back at him, quizzically. The Captain did not notice that – his burning gaze was fixed on Maria, too intense to bear.

"Oh please, don't do this to me. I cannot not bear it anymore."

With the last bit of strength she possessed, Maria shook her head.

"Only until arrangements can be made for another governess," she said gravely, only glad that her voice had not caught. Then she turned her head towards the door, and silently left.

A/N: (1) An original character of mine, one of Maria´s postulant friends from the Abbey. See my story "Edelweiss".