Ebony pulled pink polos off of her body trying vainly to escape them when a hole opened from above. She looked up and saw a light she hadn't seen in a thousand years. Hell time moved quicker than Earth time, so twenty years on Earth equalled a thousand years in Hell. Therefore, any light that wasn't hellfire was a welcome. Ebony knew this light very well. It was light from the Earth. Home. A doorway back home. Immediately, she looked around for something allowing access to the hole, but found nothing. The sadness was so overbearing that she looked around for a sharp rock. It was common for her to slash her wrists when she couldn't take the stress of being away from what she wanted most. Being in Hell, however, meant she would never be free by way of wrist-slashing, and considering the amount of times she had somehow been saved from bleeding to death, that wasn't saying much. Still, it was better than wearing prep-clothing.
Before she could complete the task, a figure dropped down into the hole and bounced off of the giant pile of pink polos all the way to the hot ground. It looked like a giant dog with a muscular body. An odd sight, indeed. But the Earth's light kept her attention, and she noticed a sight she'd ignored until now: the polos reached the hole.
"Dat's how I can get out of dis fucking place!" screamed Ebony. She ran to the pile and immediately started her climb. But her leg was caught. She looked down and saw the dog grabbing her leg. A crazed look in his eye.
"Let go of me, u fucking freak!" Screamed Ebony. One swift kick to the hand, and he let go. Tumbling down the pink hill, he screamed.
"I'll get you, Garfield," screamed the dog.
"Whatever dat means," said Ebony. She flipped him the bird—the rude gesture she gave everyone—and continued toward the light, and just before it closed, she landed on her face on to the pavement. She stood up and brushed herself off. Nothing looked the same as it did when she was alive. Upon inspection, she saw everyone dressed in tighter clothing, wearing thickly rimmed glasses, and the women wearing high-waisted jeans, shorts, and dresses. All of them had a strange device in their hands that shone light in their faces. Their thumbs worked away at the screams at a quick pace.
Ebony turned her attention away from the crowd of strangers and saw an orange cat with the same type of body as the dog. Having attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Ebony was used to seeing all sorts of weird and unusual things. But she'd be lying if she said that this was something old hat. Still, she ventured a guess.
"Is dis Hogwarts?" Ebony asked.

"What nonsense are you talking about, woman?" Asked Garfield. It was his instinct to immediately approach any woman within his sights, but none of them have uttered nonsensical words like "Hogwarts." Although, the name did sound familiar to him.
Ebony saw the cigarette in his mouth and asked, "Do u have an extra cigarette on u?"
Always," said Garfield. He pulled a cigarette from his pocket and handed it to her. She'd never smoked before. The worst thing she'd done health wise was cut herself. But this was something she needed at the moment. She couldn't explain why.
"Do u have a light?" Asked Ebony.
Garfield withdrew his Desert Eagle, saying "I always have a light both in my hand in my pants to spare for sexy ladies."
"Don't shoot!" Yelled Ebony, raising her hands. A bullet to the heart was her ticket to Hell, and she did not want tit to send her back.
"Never fear, sugarlips," said Garfield, "It's not loaded." He cocked the gun and a tiny flame appeared from the barrel, light Ebony's cigarette. She took a long drag, and just as she was getting ready to exhale, she spat out the smoke, coughing. Something about it didn't taste right.
"Dis tastes lik a plate of spaghetti!" Sputtered Ebony.
"It is not spaghetti cigarette!" Said Garfield indignantly, "It's lasagna cigarette." How could she not tell the difference between lasagna and spaghetti? Was she dense? Was she retarded? How could she launch forth such an insult? Who did she think she was? It was goddamned lasagna!
"Y do u have lasagna flavored cigarettes?" Asked Ebony. It obviously was weird that a humanoid cat would walk around in—what looked like, anyway—the Muggle (non-magic) world. But lasagna flavored cigarettes?
"Because lasagna is greatest thing in world," said Garfield. Why no one agreed with him was something of an unsolvable mystery.
"Dis is disgusting," said Ebony, "No normal person smokes dese." She threw the cigarette on the ground and stomped it into the road. This was not a good gesture for anyone to give, and it was a sign of disrespect to the Earth to dump trash everywhere. But normally, a friendly reminder can set things right. For Garfield, however, this was heinous on every front he knew: the environment, and especially lasagna. He had to teach her a lesson in decency. He walked up to her, raised his open hand up, and brought it down across her face. A loud crack like a popper on the concrete sidewalk rang through the street. Everyone's attention turned to the quarrel. Ebony, having fallen to the ground, looked up at Garfield, shocked.
"Littering is bad," bellowed Garfield, "but don't be badmouthing lasagna."
Ebony shot back up on her feet and ran to Garfield, fists already working on bruising him up. It hurt her hands because of how rock hard his abs were, but she didn't care. Initially, Garfield was shocked. No other woman in his travels ever stood up to him like that. But an attack was an attack, and he grabbed her fists and lowered her arms down to her sides. She tried to escape his grip, but he was too strong.
"Let me go, u fuckin pussy!" Screamed Ebony.
"Not until you calm down, sugartits," said Garfield.
"Wut did u call me?!" Screamed Ebony, further enraged.
"Sugartits. I call all ladies nice names." /
"U think dat's a nice name, u fuckin dolt?!"
"Yes."
"Well its nut. Its fuckin misogynistic! N u dont get 2 hit me! Noone does! U hear me?! Noone!"
The spaceship landed before them. The engines shut off and the walkway lowered from the bottom of the ship. Ebony and Garfield heard the roar of a motorcycle engine from inside the vessel. The noise grew louder and out came a man on a Harley Davidson, popping a wheelie as he came to a stop before the two fighters.
"Stop fighting," said the biker, "Garfield, John Freeman and woman must get back onto the ship. There are many more missions for Garfield and John Freeman to have. Garifeld and John Freeman must live up to family name and face full life consequences."
"You are being right, my friend," said Garfield.
They entered the ship, with the biker popping a wheelie along the way.

The space ship served its inhabitants on many adventures, and along the way they collected a wide array of memorabilia. Most belonged to Garfield: a Red Ryder BB gun mounted on the wall of the corridor, a royal seal from King George VI sitting on a shelf, a portrait of Garfield shouting into a microphone at a concert, and dozens of other pictures showing a variety of public figures and species of aliens he encountered along the way. A good number of which were females. Some of these pictures featured the biker. Ebony looked at all of them.
"U ged around," said Ebony to Garfield, who still had her wrists in his hands, "Could you plz let me go?"
"Will you be cooling your jets?" Asked Garfield.
"Yes," said Ebony, "Im over it."
Garfield let Ebony go. She brushed herself off and looked around the place.
"Welcome to our home," said Garfield holding his hands out.
"Yea," said Ebony unenthusiastically. She walked around, looking at everything. It was quite unappealing to her; magazines everywhere. Most of them of the Hugh Hefner type. They were quite disturbing.
"Those are not John Freeman's," said the biker.
"Gud 2 no," said Ebony, "so who flies dis thing?"
"I do," replied Garfield, puffing his chest out and pointing at it with his thumb.
"Wut r u doing?" Asked Ebony, unimpressed.
"Showing off my manliness. Are you not infatuated yet? The swooning should start soon."
"No, Im nut."
Garfield exhaled, losing his posture. 'How can this be?" He asked, 'All sexy ladies be loving my manly muscles."
"Welcome 2 1997," said Ebony.
"The year is 2019, actually," said the biker.
"Wut?!" Screamed Ebony.
"It's truth," said Garfield.
"But..." stuttered Ebony, "wut happnd? 2 Hogwarts? 2 Draco? 2 Vlodemort?"
"What in lasagna-drenched hell are you blathering about?" Asked Garfield.
"Maybe John Freeman can help," said the biker. He walked toward the cockpit and opened the door. Just as he was about to enter, he looked back and saw Ebony still with Garfield.
"Come in," said the biker.
"Isn't John Freeman gonna help me?" Asked Ebony, "Where is he?"
"John Freeman is here," said the biker, pointing to himself, "and ready to face full life consequences."
Ebony stared at him. This whole time, when he said "John Freeman," he was referring to himself? Why would anyone talk like that? Sure, the big cat's speech was odd, but this? This was just plain fucked!
Ebony entered the cockpit, and John Freeman led her to the computer. He was something of a computer expert because he worked in an IT lab before meeting Garfield. Now he was landed with the task of computer engineering and maintenance. But this was what he used to try to take his mind off of that which he longed for but would never find again. He typed the word "Hogwarts" into the search engine and was directed to a website. Nicely designed with an emblem shaped like a shield, and divided into four parts. Each part had an animal: a lion on the top left, a snake on the top right, a badger on the bottom left, and a raven on the bottom right. Underneath the shield was a ribbon with the words "Draco Dorminus Nunquam Titillandus." Ebony knew that this was it.
"Look up Draco Malfoy," said Ebony.
John Freeman typed in the name "Draco Malfoy" and was taken to a page listing all Hogwarts graduates. Draco Malfoy was found in the "M" section for the Class of 1998. The moment she saw him, Ebony grew weak in the knees. Pale face, light hair, a look of superiority. This was the man of her dreams. The man who made her heart pound.
"Dat's him," said Ebony, "I have 2 go back 2 Hogwarts."
"But the website says Draco Malfoy graduated in 1998," said John Freeman.
"Where is he, then?" Asked Ebony defensively.
John Freeman searched for Draco and came up with a profile. He read aloud, "The website says that Draco Malfoy lives at home with his son. Draco Malfoy is independently wealthy and a widower."
"Dats a lie!" screamed Ebony, "He wud never do dat! He wud never mary someone else! Im his 1 and only! Im his Immortal! Now, take me 2 Hogwarts!"
Garfield entered the cockpit, having heard it all. "Listen to me, woman," shouted Garfield, 'If my partner speaks truth, it is best to believe."
Shjt da fukk up, u fuken prep!" Screamd Ebony.
Garfield raised his arm to strike her. She quickly pulled out a black wand and pointed it at Garfield.
"Freeze-oh Cat-oh!" Announced Ebony, waving her wand and pointing it at Garfield. Instantly, he froze stiff, and fell down on his back. Ebony walked to him and stood over his face like a hawk.
"U lissen 2 me, u orange fuck," started Ebony, "U all r gong 2 take me 2 Hogwarts! Now!"
John Freeman stood up and looked over Garfield. "Is Garfield alive?" Asked John Freeman.
"Yes," said Ebony, "but I no da killin curse. Wud u lik me 2 show u?"
"Oh, please, don't do that," pleaded John Freeman.
"Den u will take me 2 Hogwarts?"
"Yes, Garfield and John Freeman will take woman to Hogwarts. Just return Garfield back to the way Garfield was."
"K," said Ebony, pointing her wand at Garfield. Waving and flicking again, she announced, "Remove-oh spell-oh."
Garfield felt his limbs move as soon as the red light shot from the wand and hit his body. He bolted back and glared at Ebony.
"Who are you," demanded Garfield, "to commit such atrocity against me?"
"Da name is Ebony," she replied, "Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way."
"What ridiculous name is that?" Asked Garifeld, "It doesn't matter. We will be throwing you off ship soon with force."
"John Freeman already said that Garfield and John Freeman will take Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way to Hogwarts," said John Freeman, "and that if John Freeman and Garfield lived up to John Freeman and Garfield's family names and faced full life consequences, John Freeman and Garfield's lives would be spared."
"I'm not scared of sorcerer witches," boasted Garifeld, "I can take on any and all danger."
"Can u handle death?" Asked Ebony, pulling out her wand once again.
"I have died before," said Garfield," but have come back. I looked Death in the face and kneed him in the groin and told him 'Not today!'"
"That was because John Freeman and Garfield had resurrection stones," said John Freeman, "That planet and resurrection stones are gone now."
"Must you always bring me down?" Asked Garfield, gritting his teeth, "She didn't know that. Now you're making us look weak and not as manly." If there was one thing about his partner that annoyed him, it was his constant need to tell the truth, and by extension make his manliness look inadequate. But this was not the time for arguments, so he continued, "Fine. We'll be taking you to Hog and Pig Warts."
"Fangz. Geddit coz Im goffick," said Ebony, "and it's 'Hogwarts.'"
"That's what I said," answered Garfield, 'Hoggily-Warts."