Ide keeps telling himself this is about survival. If you say survival, that makes it sound as if you have a way to get to the end of this. That you only have to not die until the time when you are not in this situation.

The more that he thinks it, the less real the word feels.

Right now he is sitting opposite Raito and trying to have any kind of coherent thought at all. He had – he had thought that he was only uncomfortable around Raito because Raito was a serial killer who would happily see him dead. But somewhere along the way Raito has become more real than anything else. Real enough he can rewrite anything he chooses.

Somewhere along the way, Ide has become frightened of him.

He is sitting opposite Raito. Someone has made them both coffee. Ide doesn't want to drink coffee, possibly not ever. The last thing he needs is a racing heart and anxiety.

How are you feeling? Raito asks.

All right. That's a question that has an answer. A safe answer. Ide breathes out, slowly, shallowly, and says, Fine. The thank you is shaken out of him before he can stop it.

Good. I wanted a chance to talk with you now that you've had some time to relax. I hope that's all right with you.

Can't. Can't do this. Like being back at school, going into an exam he hadn't prepared for. Spiky shadow out of the corner of his eye. The glimpse of Ryuk is almost comforting. As if things are back to normal. Ryuk never appeared to him while he was still locked away.

And silence was the right answer, this time. Raito leans forward a little, says, Do you understand what your new life here is contingent upon? You were tired out when we last spoke, and… A gentle smile. Matsuda isn't always the best at giving straightforward explanations.

He hasn't said anything to me. About… about anything. It had been obvious he'd been trying not to say a lot of things, but Raito probably knows that, too.

You and he have pledged your loyalty to Kira. You will do all that you can to bring my new world to fruition – I've already talked to Matsuda about how your roles as NPA employees might be useful there.

Expression cooling. He carries on, As they say, if you're not with us, you're against us. There's no more space for neutrality. You especially might like to keep that in mind given your history. Ide thinks he must have frowned, because Raito says, almost impatiently, this time it isn't making a choice between L and the police, or L and my father, or anything like that. It's choosing between Kira and not Kira. And you have made that choice.

Feeling sick. Heart like a weight, like he can barely breathe. His thoughts over and over, don't speak, don't move, don't speak, don't move –

You understand that both you and Matsuda have a lot to prove, Raito carries on. Your reputations precede you, as it were. Leaning back. If I think you're no longer loyal to me, you will die. Do you understand that?

The understanding brings with it a weird sort of calm, like stepping in out of the rain. He nods.

If I tell you to do something, you will do it without hesitation. If you disobey me, you'll be dead. You're not stupid, Ide. Leaning forward again, voice low. Someone like you might think that they could remain anti-Kira and try to weaken the new world from the inside. They might think that they could reveal information relating to Kira or his methods, or try and protect those Kira would seek to judge. I'm sure you've already speculated on similar actions. Any behaviour like that – anything that makes me doubt your loyalty – and you will be killed. It will be very quick and there will be nothing you can do to stop it. The same applies to Matsuda.

Do you understand that, too?

Ide manages to whisper, or mouth, something like yes. He thinks he can taste blood.

Good. That smile. For now, all you need to concern yourself with is recovering. You want to be at your best when you go back to work, don't you?

Those are only words, as well. The idea isn't real. A story you'd hold out to a child. But he nods anyway.

Thinking of work, even if it's another life, makes him think of something else.

What… No. Survival, remember? Things are going to be different and the quicker he… the quicker he starts understanding that, the easier it will be. May I ask a question?

You may.

He takes another breath. (This in itself won't kill him. This is – he has to ask –)

Matsuda said… he said Mogi was dead. Is that… is that true?

Yes, that's correct.

Ide so nearly says did you kill him but that's because if he gets himself killed then at least this conversation will stop. He doesn't. More important things to find out. What about Aizawa?

He's still alive, if that's what you mean.

That might not even be true.

What's going to happen to him?

That depends on him, doesn't it?

Matsuda… Oh, god, what if this proves something about Matsuda, what if it damns them both – he can't think – it's survival but he doesn't know what to –

What about Matsuda? Raito says, gently.

He said Aizawa… that he's lost it. He's forgotten a… a bunch of things. Gone crazy, basically. Even as he says it, it sounds stupid. Aizawa's the most down-to-earth person Ide's ever met. Not the type to start making up a bunch of stuff because he can't face the truth.

Raito smiles and Ide thinks he's laughing because it's not true and then no, he's laughing at me because it is true and then he wants to beat Raito's face in and it has taken, what, minutes to come close to getting himself killed, do you not get it, did you not listen to all of this, it's all different now

He really wishes Matsuda were here. God knows why, because it isn't like Matsuda would help the situation, but he wishes it anyway.

Well, perhaps you can talk to him yourself, Raito says. Something you could do for me, actually, is try to convince Aizawa to see sense. He's an excellent police officer; it would be a shame to waste that. Not to mention his family…

Amusement. After all, he's hardly likely to listen to Matsuda, is he? Like he can talk about how their colleagues used to act and it not be like looking down from a precipice.

I can talk to him if you… if you'd like me to.

That's good. Let's give it some time, let you adjust. Things have changed a lot recently. But you are going to have to change with them.

In the background, Ryuk is laughing.

ooo

The day he goes back to work, a car collects him at the door.

I think you're ready to go back, Raito said to him. I'll make all the necessary arrangements. And have someone collect some more of your clothes from your apartment. I'd like you to be ready to leave at eight.

He blurted out before he could think, I'm not going to make it in on time if I leave at –

It's all right, Raito said, soothing and amused and he thought, stupid, stupid, why can't you just keep your mouth shut – Raito carries on, It will be one of my team's vehicles. There'll be room on the roads.

In the car – driven by a man in black whom he doesn't know, who could easily be one of the ones who kicked him or punched him or twisted his arm up behind his back until he couldn't stop screaming. Sunglassed gaze watching him in the driver's mirror. Survival. Remember this is about survival. And work is something he knows. Maybe it will help. Maybe he'll get back to normal. Maybe it will fix everything, he'll walk in and they'll all be there, the Chief and Aizawa and Mogi and Ukita, and Matsuda goofing around and talking about what he wants to do at the weekend and acting like he hasn't got a care in the world, and –

Sometimes you think of something and you didn't realise how much you wanted it until it's come into your head and then it's like a needle, pain taking your breath away. He takes a deep breath. The driver's still watching him. Let's work on the basis it was one of the guys who beat him up. You didn't see me break then and you're not going to see me break now, you bastard. Yeah, that does help, more than survival did.

The car pulls up outside the NPA building and he watches as the driver comes round to open the passenger door, jerks his head to say get moving. Needles of rain on his face and neck. He's shivering and that wakes up the same stupid fear that grips him whenever Raito is nearby. That if he moves or speaks or makes a mistake he'll die and the mistakes are inches away from him.

Let's go, the driver says. Ide follows him up the rain-speckled steps. The reception area smells of wet carpet and floor polish. Lines of light reflect in the windows. He'd forgotten how familiar it was. In the background of far too many memories.

They don't stop at the reception desk but the guy on duty does a double-take as he sees them. Ide doesn't know him. He doesn't even know what he's scared of now. Maybe just that it's people. These ones aren't going to punch his face in but if they wanted to, if anyone wanted to, then he hardly has a way to stop them, does he?

A different room. A different team. At first he doesn't recognise a single face. Some people look politely indifferent. A few catch the driver's eye, nod. There'll be people to keep an eye on you, Raito said.

There are some he thinks he remembers from before. He works it out because these people are staring at him like he's a ghost. Then they're hastily looking away.

It's the usual murmur of voices all morning, briefings and caseloads and reports, but it's like he is listening to it all through water. Time slows, and each word takes an age to hear and he loses track of what the sentence means. The same words keep coming up, though. Blasphemy. Anti-Kira. Judgement.

We got a positive ID on the face?

Yeah, the witness confirmed it. That's the guy.

And it doesn't matter if it isn't, he's not going to last long anyway, not with that rep.

Okay, file the mug shot and we'll move on.

You're settling in all right? the section chief asks him during the afternoon. He's not said a word all day, doesn't dare risk opening his mouth, but he manages to nod. The other man shrugs: things have probably changed a bit since your time, right? Lot of people moved on, lot of restructuring… might feel like it doesn't make sense at the moment, but it'll fall into place soon. Good to have some of the old guard back, really. A lot of this bunch, they don't remember what it was like before, and there's no point in keeping old… well, grudges and whatever going. New dawn and all that.

This guy has been watching him. A lot of people have been watching him. Not like he's behaving oddly, or like they don't trust him. Just like they want to see what he's doing.

I don't want to micromanage, of course, but I've been tasked with clocking you in and out. So don't go offsite unless you're told, all right? At the end of the day, he is told, Satou's going your way. You may as well get a ride with him. No one points out to him that he's basically on day release, but they hardly need to. This Satou guy's holding a file. The file, the file of photographs, of faces, that they've been adding to all day. Ide doesn't put it together until they're back at the house. Satou follows him in and Matsuda is in the hallway, biting his lip and being very careful not to look Ide in the eye. He mumbles Welcome back, and he takes the file from Satou and then he's saying to Ide, I need, I need to go deal with this, okay? If you want, I can come see you afterwards –

What are you going to do with –

Look, I just –

It's judgements, Ide hears himself say like he's just waking up, it's the, it's the day's kill list, he's going to, he's just going to – His heartbeat too loud. He's going to, and tomorrow the file will be empty again, all those faces fed into the flames and he himself is just standing here like it means nothing – he's just standing here watching it all happen –

Satou, behind him, is saying, He didn't know? and Matsuda, Ide stop it, it's fine, it – it freaked me out too when I first – but it's got to be done, you know it's –

But we're just giving him –

Raito is on the stairs, watching them.

Yes, he says. We're giving Kira what he requires to make the world new. Did you forget?

Matsuda goes quiet, knuckles white on the file. Ide wants to be furious enough to shoot back something like, what, that you're a serial killer? No, actually I didn't, but Matsuda breaks in, he didn't mean it, Raito, honest, he just, remember he's only just come back, he doesn't know…

Perhaps he should take a moment to calm down, Raito says. He wouldn't want to say something he regrets.

We're not just ending the hunt for Kira, we're handing him his victims on a plate –

He's said it out loud but he hasn't said all of it out loud because Matsuda has grabbed his arm – fingers digging in, hard enough to hurt – and is wrenching him down the hallway. Round the corner, into an empty room and then the other man's hands on his shoulders, face inches away, and he is hissing, You can't just say that kind of stuff, you can't just say it –

Ide knows it's true and he's trembling because he may have just got himself killed but – Matsuda doesn't need to talk to him like he's an idiot – Matsuda doesn't need to act like he never says anything he shouldn't –

Of course he's going to wipe out everyone he doesn't like but we don't have to make it easy –

Matsuda shakes him. He's horribly pale and Ide can see tears starting in his eyes, glinting in the city lights from the windows. It's not like that. Okay? It's not like that now. He's making the world better and that's how it is and if you, if you keep saying things like that, then I'll have to –

He stops.

You'll have to turn me in? Ide hears his own voice too loud but he, he never thought that Matsuda would ever be a threat to him.

I'll have to tell Raito, Matsuda says, dully. He's going to ask me what we've said, after this. If you start, if you start going on about… if you make it sound like you're not… then he'll kill you. You know he will. He'll just kill you and you'll be dead and it'll have all been for nothing and I can't, I can't let – so I mean it, Ide, just stop –

Already the shock is fading. Already he's remembering survival. And feeling sick at how close he might have come to screwing that up. A breath. Another breath. Matsuda staring at him, pleadingly.

Sorry, he makes himself say. It just… surprised me.

Right, Matsuda says. Right, it… you've been away from… from stuff for a while. It'd freak you out.

Ide nods. He's feeling really sick but if he doesn't think about what his words actually mean then he might make it through this. I just… forgot that he has to… clear out the dead wood. Maybe he believes this. He sounds as though he's understanding. Maybe it all makes sense and he's the crazy one.

Matsuda is nodding and then hugging him and Ide can feel he's trembling too, and taking quick, frightened breaths that are held between them. It's okay. It's okay. Promise. Once, Ide would have said to him just how stupid do you think I am. Now, he doesn't.

Come on, Matsuda says at last. Let's go back. He'll want to know that… that everything's all right. And I need to… I need to hand those photos over.

You left them with him, didn't you?

Matsuda shrugs. Yeah, but… they've got to be...

Which isn't an answer, but it isn't as if Ide wants to talk or even think about those photographs any more.

The hallway is empty. Matsuda trails his way up the stairs, to the room where Ide remembers sitting and drinking coffee with Raito. Panic clutches his chest. Matsuda knocks. He's gripping Ide's arm as if he thinks Ide will just cut and run. Which isn't an entirely unpleasant idea right now.

Except that if you run, if you ever run, you'll be dead within an hour – as soon as he knows –

The door opens. Raito stares at them both. Well?

Ide's sorry, Matsuda says. He was just freaked out, it was just a shock. He's okay with it. He –

Ide's not able to say this himself?

Matsuda glances at the floor, then at Ide. His fingers tighten, and Ide hears himself say, Matsuda's right. I'm… I'm jumpy right now, and I'm… not used to the police and Kira working… working so closely. That's all.

And why should I believe you're saying that for any other reason than to save your own life?

The question hangs in the air and of course there's no answer to it.

Because I'm not going to… I'm not going to do anything to stop you ki – killing those people.

Every breath. Every heartbeat. Actually, being this close to death is freeing. It's entirely likely there's no magic word to save himself, so he doesn't need to struggle to think of any.

There'll be… there'll be more photos tomorrow. And I... understand that. I'm... I'm happy with it and tomorrow I'll add to the pile just like everyone else. And… and anything else you want me to do. You want me to… to beg for my life? I'll do that, too, I'll… you know I will. Anything.

Raito studies him, faintly amused, and the jolt that he really could tell Ide to do anything right now is like the ground falling away.

All right, he says. Let's see what happens. Let's see how useful you can be.

Matsuda, he carries on. Come in. You can see Ide later.

Ide feels Matsuda's hand slide off his arm. Raito puts a hand on his shoulder. Matsuda is shaking, still so pale it looks as if he's about to faint, but he walks forward anyway, and the door closes behind them.