Jess

Is it weird if I admit I like to watch him sleep? I mean I'm an early riser and he, well, is not – so I get lots of opportunities. Most mornings I wake up before the sun rises. Next to me I hear his soft breathing and I smile; I'm still getting used to this but waking up beside the man you care about every morning is something special, huh?

In those moments when he is still sleeping it's like I can see the real Nick: unguarded and open. You know when we are together - as much as he has been able to open up to me - I still feel he is holding something back. Maybe I'm paranoid but this is Nick Miller we are talking about here! But when he's asleep, he relaxes: I like seeing the little expressions that cross over his face – what is he dreaming about? Me, us? My mind wanders.

I also just like to look at him. He's so cute when he sleeps. His hair gets all fluffy and messy – so adorable you know? I watch him and I smile more. I really can't believe that this is happening, what we have. To have what we have? Damn, I feel lucky.

Things have never been awkward between us you know? Ever since we decided to make a go of things we just kinda fell into this happy routine. We never had to talk about it. I think it's because we were friends first. Living with someone you get to know them – warts and all. We each already know the others embarrassing secrets and stupid habits so we skipped the whole being polite stage and fell straight into comfortable bliss.

Bliss? Wow, that word seems, um, big. I can't think of another way of describing it, this state I've been in since we laid down our cards after Cece's wedding. I've never had a relationship like this before. We haven't had to try. Things have just… clicked. It really has been the happiest couple of months of my life. He makes me so damn happy. It's crazy I know. I just want to spend every moment I can with him. Even when he drives me mad with his Nickisms it just makes me want him more.

Since Mexico we've spent every night together, alternating rooms. There wasn't any discussion about it, we just did. That's true for so much of our relationship – as different as we are we're still on the same page. I guess it's a big deal right – that we just started dating and sleep in the same bed every night. But I love it, it feels right, not weird. I love the feel of his arms around me as I drift off and our little pillow talk first thing in the morning.

We are different. I'm not a fool you know. It's like I'm the a and he's the z but somehow we bridge the gap. It amazed me how he has got so far through adult life without any form of planning or vision. That damn box of his…

I can see small changes –he does his own laundry every week now, he's started a bank account and he's even talked a little but about his future. He's been vague but I think he is starting to realise at some point you need to grow up and start making adult decisions.

Okay, deep breath Jess. You are not here to change him. You accept him for who he is.

But you know – I just want the best for him. That man has so much untapped potential. Nick's spent so long thinking he was a loser, but he's not. He's amazing.

Like the way he is always there for his friends, for me. He's so terrible at looking after himself. But he tries so hard for others. He's talented too – so what is he's a bar tender! Why is that a bad thing? He's damn good at his job. I know that Clyde's would grind to a halt if he stopped working there. He tries to pretend he is ashamed of his job but I know he tries hard. I wish he'd accept a compliment thought – when I tell him this he shrugs it off with a little half smile.

He's also there for his family. Going to Chicago was such an eye opener for me. I say this man in a whole new light. It was like some of the puzzle pieces of this grumpy mystery started to click together and I started to get it – get him. Getting forced to grow up too young changes people. I get that he's scared. I do. And I think the fact that he has made it this far as an adult with all those challenges is amazing.

Yep this amazing man is my boyfriend. The guy I wake up with every morning. The one who makes me smile, whose touch makes me shiver, who makes me laugh each and every day. Whose kisses can still my tears, make my stomach flip and drive me wild all at once.

Thinking about this makes me feel emotional. It's pretty overwhelming. I never expected it. I mean, I've always been pretty practical about relationships. Of course I want it all – marriage, kids, the whole package. But I haven't gone into this relationship with that thought. For the first time I haven't really thought about the future. I'm just enjoying every moment as it comes, going with the flow. It's liberating. I think it's Nick's influence if I'm honest. I don't feel the need to talk about the future. I'm enjoying the now.

Wow. I can feel a cool trickle of something run down my spine. What is that? All this thinking about Nick is making me feel strange.

Wait. I know what this is, how the hell I not realised before now.

I love him. I freakin' love Nick Miller.

Oh my God. It's too soon. He'll be scared. He'll run. I can't tell him. Hell no. I've got to keep this to myself.

I feel another smile creep over my lips, bigger and wider until it becomes a stupid cheesy grin. I feel like an idiot.

I love him. Wow.

But I'm not going to tell him. Not yet at least…