~ Chapter 2 ~


A vignette-like scene paints the alleyway before him. Crimson blood swims into stone; the man's decapitated body and head, frozen with fear, teeter in the background; other body parts are strewn about the area, in a trail leading back onto the street…

Such a thing once left him brimming with delight. Now there's only a panging sickness in his gut, reaching from his pounding skull all the way down to his trembling toes.

Gon is still on the ground, watching him, blood sprinkled on his cheeks. Something is wrong. Killua isn't moving, just staring at his hands.

When tears spill down his ashen cheeks, Gon snaps out of his trance. He takes hold of Killua's dark blue sleeve just as he's turning away. "Wait, Killua, I know you didn't mean to…"

Gon's words, coupled with the innocent confusion and sympathy of all things on his face – like the twelve-year-old boy he once knew – only makes Killua's stomach churn with guilt. He yanks his arm vehemently away. "Don't you get it, Gon?! I killed him!"

"No, you must have thought there was no time," Gon assures impossibly. "You wouldn't have killed him unless there was no other choice –"

"There are a hundred other ways I could have made him let you go," Killua interrupts. "But I… I took the easy way out. Because I'm… I'm still… a coward!" I'm just a murderer! Killua isn't sure whether he said the last part aloud or not.

Gon is shaking his head slowly. Denial. "No, it's your family's fault –"

The tears that stained Killua's face are irrelevant now. He's too angry to feel sorry for himself. "Stop it, Gon! How can you say that?! How can you try to justify murder when you're the one who made me realize it wasn't right in the first place?!" Killua stops at the shock on Gon's face. His head lowers as he turns away, white bangs over his eyes. "I don't know how you can say such things."

Gon is standing now, shoulders hunched, arms limp. His strength was sapped by the Nen that engulfed his body earlier, but the blood on his face and on Killua's trembling fists is proof enough that this isn't a time for weakness. "What do you mean 'how you can say such things'?!" Gon bursts. Uncontrollably, his hands clench into fists as he stumbles forward.

His hands roughly take hold of Killua's shoulders and spin him around, and Killua braces himself for the punch he feels in Gon's reignited, furious aura, clamming his eyes shut. He knows he deserves it.

But Gon's strong arms are around him, squeezing Killua so hard he can barely see or breathe. "You aren't a murderer… You're my best friend!" Gon splutters. His voice cracks, on the verge of tears, and the pressure of his arms around Killua's body isn't letting up. Killua feels sobs rising his throat from the warmth spreading in his gut. From all the times he's snuck off and hidden from Gon, including before…

Before Killua can push him away, his blood-stained hands are clenched on Gon's back and he's babbling like a child. "I'm sorry! I was so scared – and then I moved without thinking!"

Surprised by the sudden outburst, Gon stands motionless as Killua cries into his shoulder.

Something tells him… those early morning strolls weren't purely for exploration after all…

Quickly, Killua moves away, gasps ceasing, feverishly wiping his face. Gon's hands remain on Killua's shoulders. He speaks in a gentle albeit tenuous voice. "After what happened in NGL, we promised we wouldn't hide things from each other anymore, remember? You made me promise."

"…Yeah," Killua grunts quietly, trying his best to sound normal, wiping the tears that leak from his eyes.

"That stands for you too," says Gon.

Killua nods, but he avoids Gon's gaze, too embarrassed by the red skin around his eyes.

Gon frowns, reminded how Killua had gone completely ballistic on him not three weeks after they reunited…

They'd been spending more time together – sans Alluka, who had been encouraging them to do so, in fact – when after a day of exploring the evergreen forests of the valley that skirted the town they were settled in, they sat down by a waterfall. They'd frolicked around the trees all day, giggling and shouting, as they had on Whale Island. Killua seemed to be really enjoying himself, and he seemed happy then, just sitting by the water…

After a time of hearing the waterfall's waves crash against the rocks and the susurrus reverberations of the forest – smelling the pleasant, damp air – abruptly, Killua stood up, and without saying a word headed back in the direction of the town.

By the time they reached the edge of the forest, a bright full moon was visible. Killua stopped dead in his tracks. Gon came to a stop behind him on the path.

"You know, Gon, I… I'm glad we've been able to hang out again like this."

Gon blinked. They'd already said this, over and over again. They were glad to be together. But Gon didn't mind saying it again. "Me too, Killua."

"I mean, I'm… glad… that all that's happened… hasn't changed the fact that we're friends." It was difficult to see his expression from this angle in the shadowy moonlight, but Gon could guess it well enough. Killua's shoulders were curved in, chin down. Gon's cheeks lit with a smile.

"Of course not, Killua. You're my best friend!" he exclaimed cheerfully, grinning at the back of Killua's head. "There's nothing that will change that."

Killua turned around. His silver hair reflected the tepid clair de lune before Gon's eyes. "No, I meant…" Killua dropped his shoulders, and the flustered edge to his voice vanished as he continued. "I… was really scared, after what happened… I was scared… that I would never see you again… that I had failed so horribly as your friend that you were… beyond the point of helping."

It was all he said, but Gon figured Killua was glad the moonlight disguised his face now. "I'm sorry," Gon said, ashamed.

"No, stop apologizing!" Killua lashed out. He threw his arms out as he trod toward Gon. Up close, Gon saw the frustration, fear, and regret on Killua's face. His fingers dug into Gon's shoulders. "I was the one who was a shitty friend when you needed me most, so you better stop apologizing for it, okay?!"

Gon could hardly stand having Killua's steady blue eyes fixated so intently upon him. He diverted his own. "…Killua, I already know you're sorr –"

"No, Gon, stop."

He glanced fearfully back at Killua. His expression was unbelievably strained.

"Please, let me say this… once, at least. When you were in that state… in the hospital… and I saw you lying there… your face covered in bandages… hooked up to all those IVs… a breathing mask on your face… and then… when I took your hand… you…" He was trembling. The distress painted all over his face worked to break the stoic shell he always put up, a watery film of conflict shielding his irises. "Please, I'm the one… who should be sorry."

Gon hadn't wanted to see Killua like that. Not ever. But his own emotions came bursting out of him like a tidal wave. He'd started wailing so loudly, startling Killua so badly that his own tears spilled down his face.

Gon just hugged him, wailing, crying, shouting. If he was saying something, he couldn't tell, and Killua couldn't understand him. When Killua placed his arms around him, Gon sank to the ground, refusing to let go. Bathed by the quiescent moonlight, they stayed that way…

After a time, the jerks of his body became less, and his sobs quieted. Killua took him by the arms. "Don't ever face something like that on your own again, okay?"

His voice was severe, but his expression revealed just how hard it had been for him to maintain his usual composure. Gon nodded. "I got it."

"I want you to promise me," demanded Killua.

Wiping his eyes, Gon looked at him closer. Now the determination in Killua's face was hard as stone. "Promise me you won't ever cast aside your own life like that again."

So taken aback by the intensity of the request, Gon said nothing. Tears continued to run down his cheeks.

Killua said, "If you can't promise me that, then I… we…" Killua sucked in a deep breath. Whatever was on his mind was making it difficult to speak. This perplexed Gon, but Killua's voice broke when he spoke again. "I can't do it, alright?!" His determination broke into fear, and there were tears in his eyes again as he took Gon's hands into his own. "So promise me!"

"I-I promise," Gon stammered, his cheeks pink from Killua's fingers clenching the backs of his hands. He forced himself to look Killua in the eye, to know that he meant it.

The trace of a smile played across Killua's lips, only momentarily. "Now, if you break that promise, you're gonna get it, okay?"

"Okay."

Briefly, Killua's arms closed around his shoulders again, too quick for Gon to react. The moment was short, but Killua's arms were firm, his face close enough for Gon to feel the immense sigh of relief Killua breathed onto his neck.

As they walked back to the town, they'd spoken quietly about this and that, a kalonous glow haloed between them.

And, somehow, Killua's fingers found their way to Gon's.

But that was the only time.

When the moon disappeared, giving way to a vibrant, golden dawn, they were back at the hotel.

That had been six months ago.

Afterward, things were even more relaxed between them, gradually falling together… but Alluka seemed to have taken that as a sign. More and more, she acted standoffish toward Killua. At fifteen, having been away from the Zoldycks for three years, Gon knew Killua didn't blame her for wanting to be on her own – he knew better than anyone how she felt. But the blow took a toll on him that Gon never anticipated. Every day that Alluka went off on her own, Killua seemed more and more like a stray cat – a mother who'd lost her newborn, had nowhere to go, nothing to do. It was the least Gon could do to offer to go adventuring with him. That way, they could get away from Alluka and the others – as she was staying with Bisky, Palm, and Ikalgo now – and focus on seeing the world.

It had been fine like that for these past three months, though Killua disappeared for many hours in the mornings. Or so Gon had hoped, anyway…

Now, covered in blood before his eyes, Killua avoids him. "I want you to mean it," he says, repeating what Killua said to him at that time.

Killua's eyes flicker to Gon's face, seeing the candid austerity there. And the flecks of drying blood on his cheeks… He sighs, and Gon's hands follow his shoulders up and back down.

"Killua, you told me never to shut you out again, to let you help me… right? I always thought it was supposed to be mutual…"

Again, Killua sighs. "I…"

They're still the same height, which Gon feels stupid for noting at a time like this. Something about the emptiness in Killua's eyes reminds him of the past…

Gon's hands drop back to his sides. This isn't going anywhere.

Killua looks up, at the hard expression on his best friend's face. Gon's features are sharper than before. His brow is more defined and high cheekbones jut across his face, but his soft gold-brown eyes and round cheeks still belong to the boy Killua befriended six years ago.

"If you can't tell me yet, that's okay," Gon says. "But don't ever let it get to this point again. Got it?" Killua nods, which Gon takes as the best answer he can get right now. The smell of freshly dead bodies in the alleyway has begun to stab his nose. Someone from the crowd in the market square not too far from here will soon notice. "Come on."

Tentatively, Gon takes Killua's hand. This seems to bring him back from the safe place in his mind he'd locked himself in.

Softly, Gon guides him out of the darkness.


~ o=O=o ~


On a vessel back to Sahelta, Gon books a room for them. Killua used the unstained backside of his sweatshirt to hide the blood on the front of his grey pants while on deck – the kills were messy because of how out of practice he is.

In the shower, Killua hangs the clothing articles under the running water and watches the tiny tributaries of crimson seep into the drain between his feet. He inspects his fingers as dried brown hemoglobin washes away, using the bathroom's complementary sponge to scrub underneath them. It's been so long since he's used his sharp nails, his fingertips feel rheumatic now.

Killua laces his fingers in his snow-white hair as he leans against the wall beneath the showerhead. He'd finally allowed Gon to see him that way – to watch him tear through flesh, bone, and logic in order to pacify the pounding urge for death in his head. Killua's sure he hacked the dark figures to pieces, in such a panic to get to Gon, switched back to… that time. They had heard the strangled screams of the men and women who were unlucky enough to stumble upon the macabre scene. He wishes he could take it all back.

I removed Illumi's needle over three years ago, Killua thinks, but at times he still feels its residue effect – as though it's still there, taunting him.

When he exits the shower in the black T-shirt and loose pair of grey pajama pants he had packed away in Gon's yellow bag, Gon is already laying on the bed. Having showered first on Killua's insistence – seeing Gon covered with blood was just too much for Killua to bear, especially after the explosion that nearly obliterated them both – Gon's spiky wet hair is pressed upright against the bedcovers. He's also grinning at Killua, holding the newest model of the beetle phone above his face. "Killua, we finally have service again!"

"That's good."

"Yep!" Gon turns back to tapping his phone screen as Killua blinks stupidly. Seating himself on the other side of the bed, he ruffles through his hair with a towel.

The passenger vessel rocks back and forth with unstable movement. Killua can see dark waters rippling past in one of the two large portholes parked halfway up the wall. The room itself makes Killua wonder if they're in a five-star hotel. The couches are covered by velvet intricately woven with swirly flower designs, the carpet is entwined by dulcet wool, and the bedsheets are made of soft, fine silk. There are even bedside tables and a chest of drawers made of mahogany, and the paintings hanging on the walls don't look like recreations. Their porcelain bathroom was large and brightly-lit too…

Usually they chose whichever shabby room was available and that was it. Killua doesn't realize he's watching Gon play on his beetle phone until Gon glances at him.

"What is it?" Gon asks.

"…Aren't you gonna say anything?"

"About what, Killua?"

Killua fumes silently at the cluelessness in his voice. "You know, about… what happened. In the town…"

His voice trails off and Gon flicks off his phone screen, sitting up on the bed, cross-legged. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Gon's face is blank, so Killua stutters, "Well, no, I just – thought maybe you'd… want to ask…? If not, then never mind." He turns away as he continues to wipe himself off with the towel, but Gon stays in place, watching him.

"Killua, I am… angry that you killed them."

This catches Killua off-guard, and he spins around to see Gon's expression, but Gon isn't glaring at him. There's only conflict in his face as he folds his hands in his lap. Killua waits to hear what else he has to say.

"But, I still don't… think it was entirely your fault."

"But I did kill them, Gon. Whether it was my fault or not, I'm still the one who did it, in the end."

"I guess… I guess I don't entirely understand, then."

Gon is looking at him with that stupid sympathy again. Killua can hardly take it. "Understand what?"

"How… why you still feel like you have to do that… kill people…"

"That doesn't really change the fact that those people are dead, does it?" Killua mutters.

"No, but I –"

"Hey, you're the one who told me killing was bad to begin with!" Killua shouts at him. "Why're you trying to justify my actions?! It makes no sense – I can't stand it! From the time I was born, I was a murderer – that's just the way it was. Nothing can change that! You've always despised anyone who goes against your goody-two-shoes moralities, and yet now you're quick to justify mine?! You can't do that…!" Killua's voice fades as he leans forward, a hand on his forehead. "Please, I can't… take it!"

"Killua, I'm not trying to justify it, I just want to understand."

"What is there to understand?" Killua chokes out, not moving. "I murdered twenty men in cold blood right before your eyes! How can you still… not be afraid of me…?" How can you still be my friend? How did you ever become my friend?

Gon exhales in exasperation. "I don't know, please just – just stop talking for a minute, okay? I just want to understand why, but I can't if you don't tell me anything." Gon sucks in an orphic breath, which catches Killua's attention. His next words make him turn around. "For example, Alluka… told me how much trouble you went through to get her to the hospital for me. I never knew that before. Why didn't you tell me?"

Killua gives a furtive shrug. "I-I dunno – I couldn't find a time to mention it."

"And what about you disappearing in the morning?" Gon asks keenly.

"…What?"

"Did you think I didn't notice? What have you been doing, going off by yourself every morning?" Gon's voice is barely louder than a whisper.

Killua gulps. "I was just scouting ahead –"

"Were you?" His eyes are dark and bore into Killua, who lets out a sharp exhale. "Killua, please…"

"I…" The words are on the tip of his tongue, right there in the front of his mind: I don't know what's happening to me. It's like my past has finally caught up to me. I find myself crying whenever I'm alone. I don't know why it's suddenly affecting me now. It was never like this before. He just can't say it.

Palpably, the mood drops when he says, "I can't wait until we get to Greed Island."

"Killua…"

Killua clenches his teeth as he turns toward Gon, leaning forward on the bed. "Gon, I…!" The words shatter in his mouth. He can't say anything that will ease the betrayal on Gon's face.

Gon knows pushing it will only make it worse. He pulls back the covers and sticks his legs inside, laying down on his back. After a moment, Killua throws his towel aside and turns off the light. They've slept in the same bed many times by now, but only a few times has Gon let his feelings overwhelm him enough to move closer.

Tonight, Gon can't seem to get comfortable no matter what, with the day's events rousing his mind. Amidst the darkness, he hears Killua's breaths still shuddering with alertness as well. "Killua," he whispers.

"Idiot, go to sleep," the other murmurs.

"I can't…"

Killua cracks open his eyes – piercing sapphires – as he faces Gon, who's wide awake. Those blue gems disappear again when Killua sighs sleepily.

Hearing the sloshing waves against the vessel's sides, Killua reaches forward and grabs hold of Gon's arms. Instinctively, Gon draws Killua closer, wrapping his arms around his chest. Killua's hands rest on Gon's back.

At the sound of Killua's heartbeat singing against his eardrums, drowsiness instantly consumes Gon.

"I've missed being able to talk to you at night, Killua," Gon says.

"Go to sleep," he mumbles. Then perhaps, Killua thinks, too far from Gon's consciousness, he whispers, "Me too…"


I actually wrote this chapter two weeks ago, but I wasn't satisfied with it, so I decided to wait and edit it. I had today off due to the junior and sophomore classes taking the ACT!

I hope you'll leave your thoughts below~