Chapter Two
They ate breakfast mostly in silence, she tried to avoid making eye contact but she could feel him watching her. He didn't ask what was wrong, she had already shut down any line of questioning the night before.
She wasn't sure how she felt, she wasn't use to these types of emotions and she needed more information before she could analyse the situation.
He left, wishing her a good day with a light kiss and the moment he was gone she went straight to her bag, pulling out the PADD containing his Personal Log.
She opened the next file available and almost immediately wished she hadn't.
Stardate 50518.6
I thought I lost her today. One moment we were joking, having fun, as usual when it's just the two of us, things were a little too comfortable.
The next moment she's injured, dying in my arms.
I have never been so terrified in my life. I tried to get her back, performed CPR on her and then I watched the life drain from her.
I don't even know what to do now.
They saw it, when the others arrived I had tears streaming down my face and I refused to let go of her the entire journey back, despite the fact she managed to fight off the alien invader that had taken over her brain without any help from me.
The Doctor's 'Commander, is everything alright? Are you hurt? You seem to be in great pain.' line of questioning hadn't gone unnoticed by her either.
Her eyes had locked with mine the moment he said it and I saw it.
She seemed to know exactly what I was feeling at that moment and I wonder if maybe she saw more than she was letting on before the others showed up.
I heard the whispers as we came back on board. Perhaps I still had tear streaks on my face, perhaps I walked a little too close to her, or perhaps I had loitered a suspiciously long time in sickbay, waiting to make sure that she was okay.
I didn't know how to explain to her the fear I had felt, thinking she was going to die, so I brought her a rose. I saw the look Tom Paris and Harry Kim exchanged as I passed them with a rose in hand, but I didn't care.
That's the thing.
I don't care if everyone knows anymore.
And I'm not sure she does either.
We spent the evening on the Holodeck, sailing Lake George in the moonlight with champagne and talked about our childhoods. I'm not sure how that's meant to count as just friendship? She almost died in my arms today and then when I bring her a rose she suggests a sailing trip? (Albeit a fake one).
I couldn't help but ask her if this had anything to do with the trip we had never taken on New Earth.
Perhaps I should have known better than to bring up that topic, but all I could think was how I almost lost her and how I had felt my heart being ripped from my chest as I held her, helpless to do anything.
And I guess I wanted to bring up the topic of New Earth because it meant we had to talk about us.
Or at least that's what I had hoped.
Because I so need her to understand that I'm not over it. I won't ever be over it.
She spoke finally and I can't shake her words.
'I've not stopped dreaming of what that trip would have been like. This was the closest thing I could find available in the Holodeck programs. I searched them all.'
I almost kissed her at that moment. Maybe it was the fact she had managed to dig up actual champagne bottle, not a synthehol one (something about escaping the jaws of death being worth the real thing), or maybe it was just the mention of New Earth, sitting alone on a boat under the moonlight, but for a moment it felt like the right thing to do.
But she didn't turn to look at me and I couldn't bring myself to take that leap.
After all, she had invited me onto the boat, if she wanted to kiss me she would make it known.
Then she reached out and took my hand, squeezing it lightly.
And she thanked me for saving her life.
And then she didn't let go of my hand.
Saying goodnight to her tonight without begging her to stay with me was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and sitting in my quarters now it's taking all of my energy not to get up and go to her.
The only thing stopping me is the fear she would turn me away.
I'm not sure I could walk onto that bridge each morning knowing she didn't love me.
At least this way I can at least pretend she does.
End Personal Log
She didn't even take a break between logs this time, any pretence that she wasn't intending to read the whole thing had flown out the window by now.
His love for Captain Janeway was somewhat romantic, and although her hope that he harboured such feelings for her as well was quickly fading, she found it interesting to understand him better.
Despite it all, she still had feelings for him.
She guessed the feeling in the pit of her stomach as she opened the next report was what humans referred to as 'jealousy'.
Then she read the first words and all thoughts of jealousy disappeared as she realised what was about to happen…
Stardate 50984.3
The Borg.
After the Cardassians, they're my least favourite species I've encountered. And here we are, in Borg Space.
I hope that we can manage to slip by them without consequence, but I know it won't be the case.
Although all of this can go in my First Officer's Log, there is one thing that cannot.
I'm concerned about Kathryn. She didn't eat today and when I made the suggestion that we have dinner together she brushed me aside, saying she had too much work to do. I wonder if I should begin bringing her dinners to her Ready Room so she can't avoid them.
The thing is, we could be in Borg Space for years of our journey, and she's already gone into panic mode.
Not that she would allow the rest of the crew to see it, but I can see straight through her.
Knowing getting her to eat would be a challenge, I tried for the second option.
Making her laugh.
That one worked.
And then she had said something I never thought I would hear her say.
'Three years ago I didn't even know your name. Today I can't imagine a day without you.'
I didn't even have a way to respond to that. It's the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me and I honestly couldn't think of any appropriate response.
But I feel like that was my chance, that if Tuvok hadn't interrupted maybe she would have finally let her walls drop completely and maybe…
I guess there's no point dwelling on a moment that never happened.
But I can't pretend it didn't almost happen.
I need to find a way to show her she means as much to me.
I've been considering a present, a pocket watch, based on a Captain in the British Navy. Perhaps I will work on Replicating one for her birthday. Maybe then she'll understand how much I…
She couldn't handle reading another moment, placing the PADD back down. She had the overwhelming need to leave.
The Doctor seemed only slightly surprised to see her.
'Seven? What are you doing here?'
'I reside here on Earth, like the rest of Voyager's crew for the time being,' she responded, walking into the Sick Bay he had been assigned to. 'Is it not strange now that you've left Voyager for you to have quarters and a workplace like the rest of us?'
'Are you insinuating I'm not worthy of such things?' he replied, offended.
She hesitated. 'I guess I was. I apologise. It was inconsiderate.'
She walked over to the examination table and took a seat. He followed her, furrowing his brown and tilting his head to look at her.
'Are you here for a check-up?' he asked. 'Your Medical files all came back entirely normal.'
'I feel pain in my chest,' she commented. 'I want you to fix it.'
He picked up his tricorder and began scanning her.
She watched him, there was something in his face.
'You do not believe me,' she realised.
He looked up at her, surprised. 'Well the scans say there's nothing wrong with you.'
'Then perhaps I am mistaken,' she stood up, but he held a hand out to her arm, pushing her back down on the table.
'Perhaps what you require is a friend, not a doctor?'
She paused.
He was right, of course, she had come to him as a friend, not as a Doctor, but she wasn't entirely sure how to tell him her reasoning.
'I believe Chakotay is in love with Captain Janeway and that I am making a fool of myself attempting a relationship with him.'
The Doctor looked surprised. Perhaps she had been too blunt. She filed that away for future reference – build up to topics slower. Do not go straight to the point. Not even with the Doctor.
'Ah.'
It wasn't the response she wanted. What she had wanted was for him to laugh, to tell her not to be ridiculous, that jealousy was all part of human relationships and that she had completely imagined it all.
His entire Personal Log.
Just made it all up in her head.
'And what gives you that idea?' the Doctor asked.
She pulled the PADD out and handed it to him.
'Seven!' he exclaimed, pushing it back to her. 'Does Chakotay know that you have this?'
'No, but he left it in a public place for me to find,' she stated. 'I did not think it was meant to be secret and I was looking for scientific data to analyse. This has been rather difficult for me to process as I do not quite understand human emotions yet. However, it seems that every post in this log revolves around the Captain.'
'Then perhaps it's Chakotay you should be discussing this with? Not me.'
She slumped, only slightly, but suddenly the Doctor looked concerned.
'Seven…did you never notice it before?' he asked.
'Notice what?' she replied.
'Chakotay and Captain Janeway…they have a…connection,' he said carefully.
'I did, but after three years I came to the conclusion that I must have misunderstood the situation as they were obviously not in a relationship with each other,' she admitted. 'Is it normal human behaviour to avoid admitting to romantic feelings for seven years?'
'It is when one of those people is – '
The door to his office opened and the one person Seven really didn't want to see entered the room, a broad smile on her face.
'Seven! What a lovely surprise,' Kathryn Janeway smiled upon seeing her.
Seven immediately turned back to the doctor, speaking quietly. 'The pain is getting worse.'
'Excuse me, Captain, I need to assist Seven with this issue privately, then I will happily speak with you,' the Doctor said hurriedly.
'Not a problem!' Janeway smiled, exiting the room. 'I'll be waiting just outside.'
Seven watched her. Not only did her chest hurt, but her stomach, her head and there was some strange pulling sensation across her shoulders, like someone was stretching and compacting them at the same time.
She began to panic.
What an irrational, illogical emotion. She hated it, but she couldn't make it stop as it started taking her over.
'Calm down, Seven,' the Doctor placed a hand lightly on her shoulder. 'I'm going to give you something to relax you, but this will keep happening if you don't deal with the problem. And perhaps you need to stop reading the Personal Log…'
She agreed with him, but she wasn't going to.
She needed to know if anything changed after her arrival on Voyager.
She had to.
But first she had to find a way out of the room without seeing Janeway again.
