Chapter 2. Treatment

I have told you before that I'm very fond of my medical book; one of the things that makes it useful is a procedure checklist located in the back of it. It is for when I am unsuccessful in diagnosing a patient's condition, and it tells me what order to perform the cures in (from least deadly to mostly dead- I mean most deadly) so that it will not cause problems when I mistreat- I mean, when I unsuccessfully treat- my patients. I use it often for Aragorn (because he never will give me enough information to properly diagnose him), and I did this time as well.

'Well, well,' I said cheerily, donning my white coat and safety goggles, 'the first check mark is-'

'I know what the first check mark is,' he growled. 'I've gone through it a million times.'

I opened my mouth to disagree, but shut it again. He was right.

'Ahem,' I said. 'Let's get started.'

The first check mark, as I was saying, was, 'make sure the patient is clean.'

Aragorn hates baths almost as much as he loves hunting Orcs. I think he believes grime adds to his Ranger persona. And I have a growing suspicion that, even when I do succeed in making him take one, he leaves his hair greasy just to spite me. (To tell the truth, think I shall withhold Narsil from him until he decides to cooperate.)

Aragorn took his bath, but still had a suspicious greasiness to his hair. I decided to let it pass.

Then a horrible thought struck me. What if he had lice? It was exactly what a Ranger would have; they sleep on the ground and never bathe and who knows what else. (Rangers, not lice.)

'Aragorn,' I said sternly, 'I will have to cut off your hair.'

Aragorn, with a terrified look on his face, made a movement to feel his head, as if to make sure his hair had not already been removed. 'No,' he gasped.

'I must,' I insisted. 'I'm positive you have lice, and I will not have Rivendell overrun by them.' I rummaged in my doctor satchel for scissors. 'It won't hurt,' I assured him. He didn't seem very assured.

'No,' he cried again, struggling to get free of the hospital bed (which I had wisely retied him to). 'I'll do anything, anything but that!'

'Hmm,' I said, considering the amount of wealth he would have when he became king. Then I thought about the Florence Nightingale award: the award for cleanliest hospital. I shook my head.

'I- I'll wash it,' he said, swallowing nervously.

Ha! So I was right; he did neglect the washing of his hair. I considered again. It would have to do. I didn't want to accidentally cut off his head during a struggle which would inevitably occur if I tried to cut his hair.

'Go,' I said. 'Wash your hair. But... I will still need you to shave the stubble.'

'Not the beard,' he cried, grabbing it as if to hold it on. 'Don't touch it!'

'I won't,' I said in disgust. 'I don't want to touch a flee-infested beard. You will shave it yourself. Now,' I ordered.

'I won't,' he moaned. 'It's miiinnneee!'

'Well, it shouldn't be,' I said, shooting him a doomful glare.'It's high time it was removed. I'm sure it breeds lice, and besides, beards are for Dwarves, not us.'
'I'm a man, not an Elf,' he said sulkily.

I had quite an argument with him over it. I hadn't known before that he was so attached to it. In the end I resorted to threats of taking off his whole head instead of just his beard, and not letting Arwen near him ever again. Thankfully that worked. He relapsed into quieter forms of protest, and I made him promise to do it if I untied him.

It was finally done. When I saw him again, I barely recognized him, he looked so different.

'Hmm,' I thought, 'maybe he is better with a beard... oh well, too late now.'

His hair he had finally washed, and he ended up looking completely different from what he had before. It would take me a while to get used to this new Aragorn.
'On to phase two,' I said, pointing to the hospital bed.

'Giving the patient Athelas?' asked Aragorn hopefully. He liked Athelas.

'No, that doesn't come until phase four,' I said. 'Phase two is giving the patient Wormwood.'

He groaned.

I smiled. Being the doctor is so much fun.


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