'Who… was that?' Link asks when he's regained the power of speech. I glance at my watch. Six and a half minutes. Not a bad recovery time, all things considered.
'Zelda Harkinian. Don't bother. Right, I'd better see how Sheik's doing,' I announce, getting up to search for my brother. If experience has taught me anything, it's that Link won't be thinking or talking about anything other than the girl across the road for at least an hour, and I have neither the time nor the inclination to stick around for that.
'Wait, don't go!' Link says quickly, and for a moment I wonder if he's not quite as thoroughly under Zelda's spell as I thought he was. 'Tell me more about her!' Link begs me. I sigh. Nope, no such luck.
'What do you want to know? Personality? None. Intelligence? None. Bitchiness level? Off the charts. But of course, you're not listening to any of that, are you?' I finish, getting the distinct impression I'm talking to myself. Link is staring off towards Zelda's closed door, and lets out a sigh so soft and wistful that you wouldn't hear it unless you were listening for it. I hear it loud and clear.
'Oh yeah, I forgot about the stuff you really care about,' I say sarcastically. 'Boobs? Two, big 'uns. Social standing? The kind you couldn't even dream of.' Finally something gets through to Link.
'What? So she's popular?' I roll my eyes.
'Link, we're teenagers! Meaning that we're shallow and superficial as all hell! You really think a girl who looks like that is going to be unpopular? Plus, she's the richest kid in town. That always helps.' Link sighs another mournful sigh.
'She's so out of my league, isn't she?' I hesitate. At a time like this the kind and sensible option, the one taken by all decent people, is to console the lovestruck subject by assuring them that the object of their affections is very much within their league, if not slightly below. I sigh.
'Yep. She's way out of your league. G'night, Link.'
-o-
That night Sheik and I dine off five-day-old reheated goop which I think was originally pizza. But after being microwaved and stuffed back in the fridge so many times, it now has the taste and consistency of something more usually associated with a blocked drain. As far as me and my brother are concerned, this is food at its finest.
'Forgot to tell you,' I say after a while. 'Link caught sight of Zelda today.' Sheik rolls his eyes and replies,
'Mmph mmph mm-mmph mm-mmph,' as his teeth have been glued together by the pizza. Being experienced in such matters, I quickly decode the reply to: there goes another one.
'Too true,' I tell him. 'Well, I didn't bother sugarcoating it. I told him that she's an utter bitch, totally not worth it, but if he wants to try he's wasting his time because she's way out of his league and would never go out with him anyway.' With an effort, Sheik swallows his pizza.
'In other words, the same speech you give to every guy who goes silly over her?'
'Yes.'
'Think he'll listen?'
'None of the others did.' We chew in silence for a while as I ponder.
'You know, Sheik – and don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining – I've often wondered why you don't fancy Zelda?' Sheik glares at me.
'You know why. Remember? When we were seven? By the lake?' I nod.
'Oh, right.' Ah yes, the infamous 'lake incident'. One day, when Zelda and her gang of fellow bitches (or junior bitches, as they were back then) were feeling particularly mean, they lured Sheik to the top of a steep hill, at the base of which was a large lake. They told him they were going to have a bike race down the hill, and my brother, being naturally sporty, was all for it. Except that while Zelda distracted Sheik, her friends cut his brakes. Then they started the 'race', and because they were so incredibly kind they let Sheik have a headstart.
Of course, after a few seconds he realised what was going on, but by that point he was halfway down the hill and still accelerating. And since he couldn't brake he hurtled straight into the lake. He's never forgiven Zelda and neither have I, which is why the day after she pranked Sheik I went over to her house when she was out and cut the brakes on her bike. Serves her right for messing with my brother.
But, satisfying though my revenge was, it didn't stop Sheik from getting traumatised. Ever since he's been more and more reclusive, and as for the idea of fancying Zelda, well… let's just say it's a bit of a long shot. But in my opinion that's no bad thing; Zelda has enough boys moping around after her as it is. No reason why my brother should be subjected to that. As I chew my pizza thoughtfully I decide that the world would be a lot simpler if more boys were pushed into lakes by girls at a young and impressionable age. It would stop them making such utter fools of themselves when they're older. A kind of vaccination against romance. Now there's a thought.
-o-
The next morning I fling open my curtains, sighing contentedly. It's another beautiful day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the- oh no. You have got to be kidding me. If I lean right out of my window I can just about see Mr Faron's front yard, and right now that means I can see Link, looking very nervous. As I watch he starts to cross the road, stops, comes halfway back, stops, goes back across the road a bit further, stops, comes back… you get the idea.
I sigh, recognising the behaviour. I can almost hear the thoughts that are going through Link's head: should I go say hello to her? I should. No, it'll be too weird. I'll just go back home. But I really want to meet her! Okay, I'll go. I watch as he nods slightly to himself, then sets off determinedly across the road. After a few more incidents of self-doubt and turning back, he makes it to the other side, outside Zelda's house.
At this point I can't see him without leaning so far out my window I'll fall, so I rush out of my room and into Sheik's. He's already up, reading some boring book with a complicated chemical diagram on the front cover, and he barely acknowledges my presence. He looks up properly though when I rip open the curtains.
'Hey! What's that for?' he asks, shading his eyes.
'Romeo's going to see Juliet,' I tell him, settling myself so I can watch Link. Sheik snorts and goes back to reading his book, muttering something about me being an obsessive stalker. I ignore him, watching as Link rings Zelda's doorbell. There's no answer, and he turns away, dejected, but suddenly the door opens behind him. Zelda leans against the doorframe, looking at Link with a bored expression. I'm too far away to hear what's being said, but their body language provides excellent subtitles.
Link plays the 'friendly and innocent new neighbour' card, introducing himself and gesturing back to his house. Zelda responds by playing the 'tell it to someone who cares' card, hiding a yawn behind her hand. Eventually Link trails to a stop, and looks at his feet. Zelda appears to wake up, realises she's not making a good impression, and smiles brightly at Link. He immediately beams back, and I roll my eyes. Pathetic. Zelda gestures into her house and Link nods, following her inside. Zelda shuts the door of her lair after him, and they're gone.
-o-
Link sighs happily to himself as he enters his room, his head still swimming with thoughts of Zelda. But as he turns to close the door he catches sight of the intruder and yelps suddenly. I raise a hand and wave at him from my seat by his window.
'Morning, neighbour! Just wanted to see how you and Zelda were getting on.' Link relaxes when he sees it's me, but he still looks confused.
'How do you know about that?' he asks.
'I just… I looked out my window and happened to see you going over there,' I say quickly. It's technically true, but conveniently leaves out the bit about me being a stalker.
'Oh, okay.' This seems to pass muster. 'I think things are going really well! I just went over to say hi to her this morning, and she invited me in! She's so kind and clever and beautiful and… amazing…' I roll my eyes again as Link drifts off into a reverie.
'Yeah, sure. You do know it's all an act, right? She always does this, making boys think she's the Goddess herself so they'll all chase after her. It's like a sport for her. Boy-baiting.'
'No, you don't understand!' Link says fervently. 'She really meant it!' I sigh at his naïveté. If only he knew how many times I've heard boys say that about Zelda, and how many times those boys were then cruelly tossed aside by her.
'Link – okay, before I explain this to you, I need to know something. Have you ever had a girlfriend before?' Link blushes slightly and shakes his head, looking down at his feet. Brilliant. No experience whatsoever. No wonder he's fallen for Zelda's routine.
'Well, if you'd had a girlfriend you'd have some experience of how these things work. Zelda is just messing with you. She's not actually interested, she's just doing it for fun. She enjoys making boys fall in love with her. Like I said, it's like a sport for her. She's just a bitch, and right now you're her next target. Don't fall for it.' Link frowns at me.
'What exactly do you have against Zelda, Tetra?'
'What don't I have against her? I've lived across the street from her for over ten years, I know what she's like! Time and time again I've seen innocent boys being lured to their doom by her, and every single time the same thing happens! They catch sight of her, they think she's the most amazing girl in the world. Then she turns on the charm, flirting with them and making them think they've actually got a chance. Then they go completely silly over her, doing whatever she asks no matter how dangerous or criminal it is, just to gain her favour. Then she either gets bored of them, or she thinks they're getting too clingy, or she just finds another victim, and then she dumps them. I'm just sick and tired of watching her do it!' I pause for breath, watching Link to see if this has sunk in. It hasn't.
'Maybe you're just jealous,' Link says kindly. I stare at him.
'Jealous? Of what? Of her being a bitch?'
'Jealous of the fact that she's got guys running after her. Doesn't every girl want that?' I can't believe this guy. Does he really think I want to be like Zelda, with her constant stream of hopeless admirers? Why would every girl want that? Why would any girl want that?
Without answering Link I climb back out the window, across the tree to my room. Once in there I ignore the bright summer's day, closing my window and pulling the curtains across tightly. Jealous, indeed!
-o-
I sigh to myself as the doorbell rings downstairs. Whoever it is, I'm not interested. If it's Link, I'm in no mood for his idiocy, if it's Aryll, Sheik can deal with her, and if it's Zelda or any of our other neighbours, I don't want to be forced to stand there and pretend I'm happy to see them while they prattle on about something irrelevant.
'Doorbell!' Sheik shouts from his room. And so our routine begins. Sheik's just as lazy as I am when it comes to answering the door, and every time the bell rings we have this battle of wits, before one of us gives in and goes down to see who it is. Well, I'm not going to let him win. Not today.
'You get it!' I yell back, not getting up from my bed.
'I did it last time! You get it!'
'I'm in the middle of a comic! You get it!'
'It might be Link! You get it!'
'I don't care if it is him! And anyway, it's more likely to be Aryll! You get it!' There's grumbling from my brother's room, but he doesn't get up. Not yet, at least.
'I can hear you two yelling at each other in there!' a voice from outside the front door shouts. 'I don't care who it is, as long as one of you gets off your lazy asses and lets me in!' I perk up immediately when I hear the voice. At a time like this, there's only one person I would actually be glad to see. Sheik clearly has the same idea, as I hear his door crash open. I follow quickly and we race down the stairs, pushing and shoving. The person outside the door is well-known for rewarding whichever one of us cares enough to let him in, so Sheik and I always fight for that honour. Eventually we land in a brawling heap at the bottom of the stairs, and both wrench open the front door together.
'Uncle!' we shout, although we're both pretty breathless. Our uncle takes one look at us, rolls his eyes, and gestures to his bags.
'Somewhere in there there's a box of cookies. Ownership goes to whichever one of you finds it first.' He wisely stands to one side as me and Sheik scramble for the bags, hurriedly searching through them.
'Got it!' I yell triumphantly, and Sheik scowls at me.
'Well done, Tetra,' my uncle says. 'Now you can tidy up the mess you made and take the bags in.' Sheik's face immediately splits into a smile as I haul the bags up to Uncle's room, grumbling all the way. When I come back down to the kitchen I see Sheik and my uncle sitting at the table, eating from the box of cookies.
'Hey! Hands off my food!' I yell, running over and grabbing the box from their hands, making my uncle laugh.
'That's Sheik's box, Tetra. Yours is over there.' When I glare at him suspiciously he explains, 'Did you really think I was only going to bring cookies for one of you? And more to the point, did you really think Sheik and I were going to risk life and limb by stealing your precious cookies?' Reluctantly satisfied, I get my own box and join the other two at the table. Mm, these really are good. I don't know where my uncle gets them from, but whenever he comes home from his long business trips he always brings some back with him. Sort of an apology for always leaving me and Sheik home alone.
'So how long are you staying here for?' I ask between mouthfuls.
'Only one night. Sorry kids, but I've got an important meeting in Kakariko tomorrow morning, and after that I've got to travel over to Termina.' Sheik and I share a disappointed look. Termina is an entirely different land, far away from Hyrule, and going there means that Uncle will be away for a month, at least. 'I'm sorry, but I have to go. But I'll try to bring you two something back from Clock Town, alright?' our uncle asks, and we nod. It's not quite the same, but I guess Uncle has to go for his job. It's not like he chooses to spend so much time away from us.
'You know, we should probably save some of these cookies for Link and Aryll,' Sheik says contemplatively after a while. I stare at him in shock. Is my loner brother actually suggesting we share our wonderful cookies with other people? What's come over him? Has Aryll been brainwashing him or something? Our uncle looks from one of us to the other in confusion.
'Who're Link and Aryll?'
'New neighbours. Mr Faron's niece and nephew.'
'What, old Rusl? Didn't know he had a family,' Uncle says, staring into space. 'You really do learn something new every day. I hope you two have been making them feel welcome?'
'Yes, Uncle,' we chorus. I'm not sure if lecturing Link on his love life constitutes making him feel welcome, but I'm choosing to believe it does.
'Good. Well then, I'm off to bed. I've got to be up at 4:30 tomorrow morning, so I need an early night. Don't stay up too late.'
'No, Uncle,' we chorus again, winking at each other behind his back. As far as we're concerned, 'too late' is after five in the morning.
-o-
I glance at the clock on my bedside table. 9:30. Pfft. Far too early to go to bed, but I'm bored. I tried rereading some of my old comics, but I just can't focus on anything. Shaking my head, I go over to my window and open the curtains a crack. Across the tree I can see Link lying on his bed, reading a book. Aryll is nowhere to be seen, but I guess she has her own room. I sit on my window seat for a moment, fighting with myself, but unfortunately I lose. Opening the window fully, I creep along the tree branch until I'm right outside Link's window. I knock gently, not wanting to startle him, and he immediately leaps up and opens the window when he sees it's me.
'Hey,' he says as he helps me in.
'Hey yourself,' I reply. We stand there awkwardly for a minute as I mentally replay our conversation this morning, right up until I stormed off. 'Er… sorry about this morning. I was only trying to help.' Link sighs, rubbing his neck with the back of his hand.
'It's fine, I get it. And maybe you're right, maybe I am being stupid about Zelda.' There's no maybe about it, I think to myself, but I keep quiet.
'It's just that I've never met a girl like Zelda before,' Link continues. 'To be honest, I've never met any girls before.' Ahem, my internal monologue interjects. Since when do I not count as a girl? But again, I keep this to myself.
'I get it,' I tell Link, even though I don't. 'I only said those things because they're true. I've seen so many boys get sucked up by Zelda's charm, and it always ends so badly for them. I guess this time I just wanted to be charitable and try to save you from that fate.' Link smiles, and then to my utter shock he hugs me.
'Thanks, Tetra. I've never had a friend like you before.' I hesitantly hug back, turning this over in my mind. First of all, are we officially friends now? When did that happen? And second, what does he mean he's never had a friend like me before? Did he have no friends whatsoever before now? As if reading my mind, Link says (although his words are muffled by the hug),
'Where Aryll and I used to live, with our grandma, there was no-one else my age. Aryll had friends, but I only had her. It was pretty lonely. I'm so happy I've got you now.' I smile and hug Link tighter. Aww. Well, Link's definitely got the cute factor.
'I'm glad that's sorted out,' I tell Link when we separate. 'What do you want to do now? I can't sleep and Sheik is going to kill me if I go bother him, so as my new friend it's your duty to entertain me. Got any ideas?' Link looks at me quizzically, but just then we hear a car pull up.
'Who's that?' I ask. Link shakes his head.
'No idea. Wait, maybe it's my uncle!' He runs out of the room and I follow, to a room across the hallway. It looks like a study, so I'm guessing it belongs to Mr Faron. If he really is coming home, he's not going to be happy about us being in here. Link beckons me over to a window overlooking the street, but to his disappointment and my relief there's no-one outside the house. But looking across the road I suddenly point to something.
'There, outside Zelda's house! Who's coming to see her at this time of night?' We both press our noses against the glass and watch as a tall, dark figure gets out of the car parked across the street. Even from this distance I can see the streetlamps shining off his vivid red hair. I feel Link stiffen next to me as the man rings the doorbell of Zelda's house, and in mere moments is greeted by the girl herself. She wasn't that quick this morning with Link, I remind myself. Clearly she's much more eager to see this man. A few words are exchanged, then Zelda closes the door behind her and gets into the car with the man. As they drive off the sound of the engine is slowly replaced by the sound of teeth being ground to a powder.
'Who was that, and what was he doing with Zelda?' Link asks through gritted teeth.
'That was Ganondorf. Apparently you've got competition.'
-o-
'Did you know Zelda's going out with Ganon?' I ask Sheik at breakfast the next morning. After we saw the two lovebirds drive off last night, I tried making smalltalk with Link but he was brooding so much that eventually I gave up, made my excuses, and escaped back to my room. Across the table from me, my brother shakes his head.
'Nope. But come to think of it, I have seen him going round to her house a lot. I'm surprised her dad lets them do it. He's pretty strict, isn't he? I can't imagine he's happy that his little princess is going out with a guy like Ganon.' I agree with him; Ganon has a reputation in our neighbourhood as a bad boy. He's a year older than us, but he was held back, apparently because he broke some guy's nose. He also drives a fast car, drinks alcohol in the middle of the day, and there's some speculation amongst the housewives of our area that the two old women who raised him practice witchcraft. Certainly not the kind of guy you'd associate with a perfect little princess like Zelda.
'Link seemed pretty pissed off,' I note, and Sheik shrugs.
'I'm not surprised. Ganon is not the kind of guy you want to compete with.' Suddenly the doorbell goes and our eyes meet. Our uncle left earlier this morning, before we got up, so who's coming to see us? Ditching our usual argument in favour of satisfying my curiosity, I get up from the table and open the door, only to be bowled over by a small blonde streak.
'Sorry!' Aryll says excitedly as she shoots past.
'I'm fine,' I gasp from the floor. 'But what are you doing here so early? It's ten in the morning!'
'Sheik said he'd take me for a bike ride!' Aryll says with a broad smile, before dashing off to the kitchen to find my brother.
'Sorry about her,' Link says, coming in the door behind his sister and helping me up. 'She's been bouncing around the house all morning. She loves to ride but I don't have a bike, so she was really excited when your brother offered to go with her. I gather he likes bike riding?'
'Hates it,' I manage, trying to get my breath back. Ever since the lake incident Sheik avoids his bike like the plague, but clearly Aryll is changing him. Still, it'll get him out from under my feet, so I'm not going to complain.
'What's all this about a bike ride?' I ask Sheik when I make it into the kitchen, Link in tow.
'Oh, I promised Aryll,' Sheik says nonchalantly, before turning to the little girl. 'Just let me finish my breakfast, then we'll go, okay?'
'Okay!' Aryll says, bouncing around on her seat. I laugh and invite Link to sit down as I finish my own food.
'Got any plans for today, now these hooligans are out of the way?' I ask him. He shrugs, looking downcast.
'Not really. I was going to go see Zelda, but…' I sigh and roll my eyes when he's not looking.
'Link was in such a bad mood this morning,' Aryll stage-whispers to me.
'Yeah, I can believe it.' We sit in silence for a while, Link occasionally stealing pieces of toast from my plate. Normally I'd object to someone stealing my precious breakfast, but since food is a tried and tested remedy for heartache, I swallow my angry protests.
'So what are you going to do about Zelda?' Sheik asks Link after a few minutes. I kick my brother under the table, giving him a 'what did you do that for?' look. Link doesn't reply, just shrugs and sighs sadly.
'Stop moping around,' I tell him sharply. 'So she's got a boyfriend. Big deal. There'll be other girls.'
'Not like her,' he says, heaving another sigh. Aryll gives me a knowing look, so I'm guessing Link's been like this all morning. Poor her.
'You know,' Sheik begins after another period of silence. I glare at him, silently warning him not to make this any worse. As uncle always says, when in a hole, stop digging. But my idiot of a brother continues undeterred. 'Link, I bet you could still get Zelda if you really wanted to. All you need is a bit of help.'
'What do you mean?' Link says slowly, confused by Sheik's words yet desperate for this small ray of hope.
'Tetra and I were saying before you two came how unsuited Zelda and Ganon are for each other. I bet it wouldn't be that hard to split them up. And you're a nice guy, Link. I'm sure once Zelda sees how bad Ganon really was she'll start to look at you very differently, especially if you were the one that opened her eyes about Ganon.'
'I fail to see how that's going to work,' I say, narrowing my eyes at Sheik. 'I mean, Link's no Casanova. Even if by some remote chance he does manage to split Zelda and Ganon up, he'll more than likely screw everything up with Zelda after that. No offence, Link.'
'None taken,' he replies dutifully.
'Ah, but that's why I said he needed help,' Sheik counters, and I'm disturbed to see a mad gleam in his eye. 'He needs someone who knows all about boys and girls, and Ganon and Zelda in particular. Someone who can help him break those two up, and then show him how to woo Zelda afterwards.'
'Oh yeah, and where is he going to find someone like that?' I ask with a snort. Sheik looks away, as if he knows I'm going to object to what he says next.
'Well, I was thinking… you, Tetra.'
