2 | Swirling
"Hey," Kelly says as he enters their apartment after drinks with the guys. Matt had declined his offer, preferring, as per usual lately, to stay in.
"Hey," Matt answers darkly from his place on the couch.
"You okay?" Kelly asks as he eyes the bottle of whiskey sitting on the coffee table and the tumbler in Matt's hand.
"Yeah."
"You could have come out with us if you were intending on drinking, rather than drink alone in the dark,-"
"I need to ask you something," Matt exclaims, cutting Kelly's sentence, as though hanging on the last bit of courage he has left.
"Okay," Kelly answer, a bit worried and confused.
"Ask something of you, ask you for something,"
"Matt?"
"It's, uh, crazy maybe, and impossible and unfair,-"
"Why don't you let me be the judge of that? Just ask." Kelly says, trying to reassure Matt as he takes a seat on the arm of the armchair to Matt's left.
"I uh, I've eh," Matt clears his throat, his nerves getting the better of him. "You know how a few weeks ago, we, eh, talked about me needing alcohol to um, to have sex?"
"Yeah," Kelly says surprised by the nature of the conversation.
"Well, I've been trying to get that under to control… to uh, not be so dependent on it for… sex. To, uh, try and uh create," Matt battles to find the words, ticking them off as if he's recalling a guidance pamphlet, "new, safe, experiences of sex… sorry, does this make any sense?"
"Matt, what's going on?"
"I've been seeing a sex-surrogate, do you know what that is? Like therapy for sexual trau-, experiences, - you know what, never mind, this was a mistake." Matt suddenly loses all his courage and gets up to flee the room, tumbler still in hand.
"Matt, no, stop." Kelly gets up to follow him, holding himself back from grabbing Matt's wrist. "You've come this far, don't stop now. Just ask what you wanted to ask. I'm not going to judge you."
"I can't,"
"Yes, you can. I'm glad you're getting help for what's troubling you,"
"It's not working." Matt blurts out, then continues more calmly, trying to explain himself. "I go, and we start, and she touches me and then I freak out and stop her." They stand and look at each other, Matt searching Kelly's features for his reaction. "I still can't do it without the alcohol to block it out. I close my eyes, and all I see is Harvey's glinting eyes. All I feel is his hands on me." Matt confesses in a small voice. "And I think, maybe, it's because she's a stranger. Because I don't know her, and I don't trust her."
Kelly thinks he might be getting an inkling of where Matt is going with this, surprise washing over him, but he won't let it show on his face, careful not to do anything that might cause Matt to stray from his line of thought, from his quest. He understands the choice of alcohol now, imaging the evening Matt had had to rile up the courage to confront Kelly with this. His heart breaks for Matt's hardships and fills with admiration at his determination and courage.
"But I trust you," Matt says, his voice shaky yet certain, knowing this will reveal everything he means to ask Kelly. "I trust you," he says again, searching for his line of thought. He can see Kelly's frozen posture as if he's afraid to breathe, but he can't read what it means. "You are the only person I trust, the only one I have," he swallows thickly, preparing the courage to utter the next words. "So, I wanted to ask you if you'd be willing to help me."
The silence sits heavy in the room, they eye each other like wild animals assessing one another's next move.
"I,-" Kelly starts.
"Not sex, not full intercourse, I don't want you to fuck me or anything," Matt cuts in, terrified of his own words and of hearing Kell's reaction "just the start, the undressing part, the touching, to see if…"
"Ma-"
"I get it if you don't want to. If you don't find me… if it's too weird,"
"Can I talk now?" Kelly asks softly, trying to calm Matt from his own anxiety.
"Sorry, yeah, sure, sorry," Matt mumbles.
If Kelly wasn't afraid it would change something between them, he'd do it in a heartbeat. But Matt takes these things so seriously, so meaningfully, that Kelly's afraid it'd break something between them. Not that it would be meaningless, but it wouldn't be clear how to go on after. What if it doesn't work and they'd have this failure between them. It'd fill Matt with guilt and embarrassment. It would be the end for them. But what if it did work? And it'd help Matt come to terms with something, rid himself of something holding him back ever since the whole Harvey thing, could Kelly really deny him of that? But could he sleep with Matt and then go on working and living with him as if nothing happened? Would it be as if nothing happened? One-night stands are good for a reason – there are no strings attached. But there are so many strings attaching him to Matt and he wouldn't want any of them to be severed. This is so complicated, it has to mean alarm-bells ringing. But if Matt's suggested it, that means he's thought about it, incessantly, because Matt overthinks everything, from every angle. And if he's gone ahead and asked it means this is his only option, the only option he'd give himself, and Kelly can't take that from him. Can he? A thousand questions race through his mind as he tries not to lose contact with Matt.
He feels like he's talking to a caged animal, trying to prevent it from fleeing. "Can we sit? Maybe have a drink?" He points at the tumbler still held in Matt's hand, and Matt looks down at it as if surprised to find it there. Matt then follows him, taking a seat on the couch, waiting anxiously as Kelly fills his glass and pours one for himself before he sits down on the edge of the armchair, trying to remain close to Matt but not too close as to create pressure.
"I," Kelly begins, not knowing really where he should start, everything sounding somehow so heavy or condescending. "Matt," he sighs, fighting to find a beginning. He can see Matt closing down, losing his nerve as he misreads Kelly's stuttering. He knows he's losing precious time and decides to just jump in, do it the Kelly Severide way.
"My gut answer is yes, Matt, I'm willing to help you with this, I'd be happy to help you with this," he takes a breath and can see Matt's tense form, his eyes burrowing huge and blue into him, not necessarily indicating happiness or relief at Kelly's answer. "But, I think we should talk about it first."
