Humans are such extraordinarily complex beings. We have emotions and confusions, seeking solitude but wanting none. It can never truly be understood what and why we humans do what we do — we are far too complicated of an equation to solve, for psychology to theorise and sort into classifications. We love, we smile, we make promises, we lie, we die. And then some of us come back. Extraordinarily unpredictable. Extraordinarily unreliable.
"Extraordinarily foolish too," I sigh, pulling the thick quilt off of me and stumbling up onto my feet. It has taken me seventeen years to realise this after all. The biggest mistake any human can make is to think that they know someone. Truly know and trust someone. Their words, their promises, their boyish smiles, and sparkling eyes. It has taken me seventeen years and two abandonments to realise this — you never really know someone.
I'll admit, when Edward left me in the forest — alone to die without a single idea how to get back home, I was devastated.
A devastation that refused to leave me, with so much commitment and persistence it clung to me, milking me slowly off my identity, my happiness, my life. It made me selfish. I'll admit— even more than I already was. Which goes to say a lot. I realise I've always been very selfish — especially when it comes to my father.
Charlie. I know he's been through a lot because of me. All the dreams he must have had about having his daughter back home — all the plans he must have made, all the expectations he must have had to finally have a proper family. Thwarted.
I think it's also safe to admit that I've not been the best daughter. I don't think I even intended to be a daughter when I first arrived, I had just wanted to give Phil and Renee the freedom to experience and build their new relationship without baggage. Then I landed here and met Edward, and within the next few months, I'd let myself mold into his lifestyle. I'd eagerly adopted his family when I had one of my own back home. In my selfishness and greed for my mysterious love for Edward, I left Charlie in the high-end for the Cullens. And then the Cullens left me.
It has been a year. A year on the dot after Edward abandoned me. Six months since I ascended to a new level of selfishness — selfishness that almost made my father clinically depressed, almost as much a zombie as I was. Four months ago, Jacob finally managed to break through my walls of constant pain. I can't deny that I had not been sad, or that it had never hurt... no, I had been sad, and it had hurt like hell but Jacob Black, my best friend, had managed to break through.
Jacob was like the first ray of light that had shone through the thick grey cloud that had always hung over me, the brightly lit candle in my pitch black tomb. With him... things were different. I felt different. With him... I was happy. I was happy enough.
For one thing, my world was extremely warm with him. For another, he didn't treat me like a fragile doll I was — and so I wasn't broken.
It had taken time though. Time to get there — to where ever the remedy for my brokenness was. But I can't say I regret it. Slowly, with my improving health and cheer, Charlie also allowed himself more rest and less stress because of me. Billy stopped looking at me with his dark, saddened eyes that spoke about knowing and understand much more then I had ever found comfort in telling him. Angelina and the group back in school slowly began expanding their arms around me, encompassing me into their circle once again.
Jacob filled this hole inside my chest. The hole that had bled for days and days after Edward had left. He made me happy, he made me selfless, he made me a better person. And now he is gone too.
A month of unreceived calls, a month of one-sided text messages, a month of useless rides to the reservation and Billy telling me that Jacob isn't home or that he doesn't want to speak to me. I recognised that look — the look of pity.
"Why?"
I've found myself asking this question over and over again for fast one month.
A scoff leaves my lips as I grab my towel and throw it over my shoulder, reaching for the bathroom door.
I had asked that question over and over again after Edward had left and I had never received a reply. Will asking the same question about Jacob change anything? Not bloody likely.
It hurts, I swear it does. It hurts almost as much as it did the first time around. Before bed, I can almost swear it hurts more. But am I going to walk back around into the streets inconsolably? Not bloody likely.
For a month I have tried, I have tried my absolute hardest. I have shed my shame, my ego, and my pride every time I have called Jacob's house, every time I had driven myself over to his place. I have shed my pride every time I have sent him a text, even after I had not received a reply to the one I had sent before that. Every day, for a month.
Now... I'm tired.
As the warm water of the shower continues to fall down on my skin and I carry on washing the foam of the shampoo away from my scalp, the itching thought that I have had for the past week floats back into my brain.
An early graduation.
I've been thinking about this for a while now, and right now as I stand here under the streaming warm water — it seems right. I need a break from Forks, from the people here. And what better way to do it than through college? A productive escape.
"Yes. It seems right," I speak out loud to myself. And for the first time in a month, I feel myself smile again.
—•—••—•—••—•••—••—•—••—•—
It's usually the same routine in the morning. Granted whoever wakes up earlier, gets started with the coffee, but Charlie and I usually make breakfast together. Mostly it's some sort of sandwich or some cereal. On better mornings we have some leftovers from the previous night to fill up our black hole of a stomach. I've come to realise over the past few months how much I enjoy not only cooking but eating too.
At first, Charlie was worried we'd be seeing a very bigger version of Bella very soon — not that I was worried. After all, I had lost a lot of weight mourning for Edward. Although Charlie was very happy when he realised that my metabolism rate is as fast as it can get for a human girl in her teenage. That, and that fact that Charlie has successfully been able to persuade me into taking up running with him during some afternoons. These two attributes mix well together. In that sense, I guess I'm set.
"Have any plans for after school today, Bells?"
I smile, shaking my head before sipping on the coffee. It was Charlie's turn today. I notice it's always slightly sweeter whenever it's his turn, "Nah, I'll be home by 6, dad."
Then I slowly straighten myself, impulsively reaching for my sandwich before placing it back on the plate again.
"Is everything okay, kiddo?" Charlie frowns, catching onto my awkwardness. Of course, I'm not even surprised. He wouldn't be the chief of police if he didn't realise something was weird this side.
"Ah... yeah. Actually dad," I clear my throat, feeling the nerves building. What if he thinks I'm abandoning him? Which of course I am not, I'm always going to come back. I just need time. Time out of this place.
"Yeah?" Charlie tilts his head as he looks at me, I know I have his complete attention now. Does he look worried? I glance at my father. Yes, he definitely looks worried. So I just say it.
"I've been thinking about it for a while, and I also asked Mr. Folter — our careers advisor — I can graduate early. I have enough credits to graduate with a good grade, and I was thinking that it's a good idea. What... what do you think, dad?"
He looks surprised, I notice. Maybe it's about my suggestion, or maybe it's because I've asked him for his opinion. This makes me wonder, have I ever asked Charlie for his opinion before? I can't remember.
"Well... well I think it's a great opportunity, Bells! Have you thought about what you want to do after graduation?"
"Yes," I reply immediately, "I want to go to college."
"What are you interested in?"
"Nursing,"
Charlie seems shocked now, I even watch as he opens and closes his mouth trying to say something and being unsuccessful. I don't know if I'm supposed to be scared about this or not.
Finally, he manages to find his voice, "A... nurse?"
I nod, "A nurse, dad."
"We don't have a good medical school here in Forks, Bells,"
I shuffle in my seat, knowing that the actual news is finally about to be said. I clear my throat. Here I go.
"I've actually applied to a couple of universities out of state dad,"
"Out of State... where?"
I take in a deep breath. This is it, Bella. This is it!
"Canada,"
"Canada!? That's out of country Isabella Marie Swan!"
"I got in. I got the email a few minutes ago. I just have to keep my grades up till graduation."
Charlie freezes visibly in front of me, "...what?"
"I got accepted, dad,"
It takes a while, but I watch as his eyes light up and then water. Suddenly he's out of the chair and walking towards me. It takes me by surprise and I can only stand in time for my father to pull me against his chest. I smile, wrapping my arms around my shaking dad and let my tears flow. He's crying. He's proud of me. It worked out well. He's fine with it.
"I'm so proud of you, Bells," Charlie's voice cracks and he squeezes me gently before letting go.
Stepping back he quickly wipes his teary red face and I giggle, reaching up and placing a kiss on his cheek, "Thanks, dad."
When he finds his way around the table to his seat again, he smiles at me sadly, "Will you be back afterward?"
This question. I've thought about it a lot. Do I want to come back? Do I want to chance a meeting with Jacob? Or Edward if he ever returns? After everything? I've been thinking about those questions a lot. In the end, though, I realised that another question needed an answering as well. Do I want to abandon Charlie again?
All of the visits I had refused over the years before finally having to move here when mom got remarried. All the times when I had run around with Edward without telling my dad. All the time I had wasted. I had abandoned him.
"Yes, I'll come back home dad. I won't leave you,"
They are back. His tears as he reaches his hand forward grasp mine, nodding at me like he understands. Like he has faith in me.
Yes, I think to myself, my plans become more concrete. I'll be back. I won't abandon my dad. Because I know how hard it hurts to be left behind. I have been abandoned too after all. Twice.
When my tank of a red truck rolls into the school parking lot, I spot Eric and the group instantly. Of course, I've told them about my plans a week ago when I had begun thinking about it and it has strangely made them consider the option too. In the end, Jessica, Lauren, and Mike couldn't get through. Instead of being upset about herself, Jessica was too shocked that despite my crazy 'breakup' my grades have still been good too.
"Hey, Bella!" Eric grins at me when I reach the group, and I smile back at everyone waving out a hi, "Hey guys."
"Have you been crying?" Jessica leans forward, her eyes sparkling with excitement as she tries to look closer into my eyes.
Surprising her, I nod, "I told the dad this morning."
"Oh wow! How'd he take it?" Angela asks, concern coating her words. Angela has always been my best friend in the group. Through everything, she was always there with me. Even when most of the group had left me after Edward And I broke up — because they didn't know how to deal with me — Angela was still there.
It's sad that she and Erik are going to a University in Seattle instead. From what I remember, Erik's taking Journalism and Photography, and Angela's taking Teaching. I think their choices suit them well.
"He's excited," I grin this time, not being able to stop the excitement when Angela bursts out in a squeal.
Surrounded bybembarrassed looking friends, we giggle as we hold each other's hands, "OMG! I knew it! My dad cried!"
I lean forward, "Mine did too," I whisper, trying not to let Mike and Eric know that my dad has soft emotions. They're very scared of him, and they should be. It keeps them out of half of the trouble they could have gotten themselves into with those danger prone selves of theirs.
We squeal again.
"And here we are, ladies and gentlemen, suddenly surrounded by two very soft and loud baby pigs. Pay ten cents to touch them, ladies and gentlemen! Disease-free! Ten cents only!" Jessica calls out blandly, extending her hand to a group of snickering student passersbys. Both Angela and I turn towards her with a sigh.
"Funny," I say.
"Yeah, very funny," Angela adds. Both our faces painted with a very sarcastic smile. It's our go-to expression whenever Jessica hits us with her savagery. Which is quite often. Jessica is quite a savage.
"Come on! My girl is funny okay!" Mike interjects at our response, wrapping his arm around giddy Jessica, who pokes her tongue out at us teasingly.
Three months ago, Mike finally got over his delusion and saw who was really into him. Jessica. That, and he finally saw he quote 'Be with someone who loves you. Not someone you love' somewhere online.
They've been happy ever since. I also think Mike's grown to love her too. It's helped a lot, Jessica's not jealous of me anymore. It's helped a lot in our friendship. Lauren though, she's a whole different story. How do I stop her hatred when the person she's liked for ages is Edward? She's probably going to stay bitter for the rest of her life if that's the case. Right beside me.
"I can't wait till we graduate!" Angela whispers into my ears as we begin to turn around and make our way towards our homeroom.
"Me neither," I agree, thinking already about leaving behind the meadow that holds so many bitter memories... and Jacob.
"Are you sure though? About Canada?" Jessica whispers as she comes to link her arm with mine, I'm now in the middle.
"Why'd you ask that?" I ask her instead.
"You'll be away from everyone. Don't get married and settle there without coming back first, okay?"
"We still have a month till graduation, Jess" Angie groans, nudging Jessica and naturally me as well, "Let her live!"
"I'm just saying! You can't leave that hot boyfriend of yours behind like that! What if someone steals him?" She hisses, glancing at Lauren who's sitting by the corridor with her new group of friends.
My attention, though, is stuck somewhere else. My attention is still stuck on the first part of her question.
"Jacob's not my boyfriend," I mumble, looking away from Jessica. Angela, the always perspectives Angela, squeezes me closer for comfort.
"We were friends,"
"Were?" Jessica milks me for information, and I nod.
"We haven't spoken to in a month now. Guess we don't know each other anymore."
"That's stupid! What a jerk!"
I sigh, "Maybe he got tired of taking care of poor broken Bella."
Neither Jessica nor Angela says anything in reply. I'm not surprised, what can the poor girls say. It's a legitimate possibility. I am broken and Jacob made everything better. Of course, if he was tired now — there is no way I can blame him. For how long can a person be selfless anyway?
Instead, Angela and Jessica tighten their arms around mine and snuggle closer in an offer of their silent comfort as we near our homeroom, and I let myself smile. At least I still have friends who care. At least I still have Ranee and Charlie. I'll be alright.
