"Okay so today is probably not going to be like a normal session, Its going to just be all the House-Keeping things. I'm going to ask you some questions, and you just answer them all as honestly as you can. If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask. The tissues are right beside you if you need them- I'm used to people crying when they come to see me, so don't feel embarrassed if you feel emotional or anything! Its all fine. Here you are safe to say anything and not be judged. I'm just here to help you. Is that all fine, Kurt? Kurt?"
This wasn't at all what he had expected. In the movies and in TV shows Therapists are always wearing smooth suits and talking in hypnotic voices, sitting in the arm chair of expensive leather lounge suites. Everything was meant to be squeeky-clean and professional looking, the potted plants were meant to be plastic, and Kurt was meant to feel completely uncomfortable. But this was not the case.
The following is a list of unexpected things that Kurt was experiencing, they are in no particular order and are a parallel to the list Kurt was making in his own head from the moment he walked in the door:
1) The Therapist was a male, belonging to the name of Harry. He had grey eyes, that were surprisingly warm and kind. He was around 50 years of age, and wore a tie that was the colour of moss.
2) The reception was full of mismatching couches, all of which were lumpy and some of which were covered in hand-knitted patchwork blankets.
3) Everything was working on time. Kurt was used to working with everyone being fashionably late or unfashionably lazy. But here, despite the slightly haphazard surroundings, everything seemed to tick by in a well organised and functioning manner.
4) The people waiting in the reception room were completely... Well... They were completely normal. They weren't up-tight business people needing help with their midlife crisis' because they had no time to work through it themselves, or old weather-beaten types muttering to themselves and repeatedly retying their shoe laces. The people here fitted into the like-everyone-else category, Kurt didn't stick out here. It was reassuring.
The room that Dr Harry Burns worked from was a comfortable one. Average sized, with no desk but instead two couches facing each other and a coffee table between them. One wall was completely filled with book shelves, and another with views to the park outside. The windows were thrown open, and despite a slight autumn chill it was nice to hear the russling of the leaves from the trees outside and occasionally laughter from families walking their dogs.
Kurts mind leapt back to the matter at hand, "Oh, Sorry. Yes, Thats fine. I understand".
"Thats great. So, now that I've checked I've got all your basic details down here correctly," Harry picked up a refill pad from the table in front of him and go his pen ready to take notes. "Do you think you could tell any why you're here? I understand your boyfriend made this appointment for you. Maybe you could just tell me anything you can about your anxiety".
"Well. I suppose. This is very difficult to put into words, because its all a very strong mixture of fierce emotions," Kurt took a deep breath, and decided that maybe the best thing to do was to say everything that was in head. "I've always been an anxious person. My Mom used to call me her Little-Worrier. She passed away when I was young, about 8 years old. My anxiety was really hard to handle around that time, I was constantly having panic attacks- Thats the correct name, right? Anyway, when I hit 12 or 13 I was able to block it out a bit more. Able to be numb. But its been getting worse again. I guess because of a few things. I just started a new school. My best friend, Blaine, and I have started dating in the last 2 months. The school curriculum at Dalton, the school I've transferred to, is of a a higher standard than my old school, so I'm having to do lots of catching up. Plus on top of all of that, well, completely truthfully I think I'm still being affected by the bullying I suffered from. I had to move school being I was being abused." Kurt took a tissue from the box, and wiped away the tears gathering on his cheeks. "I recieved a death threat because I was gay. And thats what I think about when I have an panic attack. I feel like because of all these things, despite everything, part of me is dying anyway... Yeah, I've got a lot on".
Harry looked up from the paper he was scribbling furiously on, "So what would you say anxiety feels like? I see people mainly for anxiety disorders and depression, I need to make sure which one I'm working with in your case. So if you could put some of the feelings into single words for me?"
Kurt swallowed, and stared out into the park. This was really, really difficult.
"I feel scared. A lot. And I'm always worrying about whats going to happen next. I get very scared of having panic attacks in public. I get upset easily. Uhm, single words, Right... Tense. Stressed. But mainly disappointed. I get very disappointed in myself, for being so weak and for not being able to deal with things".
"Good answer, really good. You're obviously very observant about your own feelings, which is a positive thing. You also seem to be very critical of yourself- One thing that we will explore more in other sessions, but that is very important to understand, is that ones biggest critic is always ones self. Often, in fact most of the time, other people wont notice or wont care at all about things that you will criticise in yourself".
"That makes sense", Kurt admitted. "A lot of sense. I didn't think about it that way before to be honest. Even though is seems to simple."
Harry smiled at him, "Okay next question. I want you to tell me about your appetite and sleeping habits..."
Blaine lay under a tree in the park, his head resting on his backpack and headphones in his ears. It was always welcome to have time just to lie on his back and stare at the sky above him. He played the game he'd played since he was a kid, imagining what the clouds were shaped like- Lions, cars, and mountains all up in the big blue sky.
He enjoyed the peace of the late afternoon, all his homework finished and nothing planned for the Friday night ahead. Depending on how Kurt was feeling maybe they'd go see a film, or just go and spend time in Blaines room- David was conveniently going away for the weekend. The thought brought Blaine back to earth after having been in his dreamy state, and he brought his wrist up to check the time on his watch. 4 pm. Kurt should be done now.
Sitting up he saw that his timing was indeed perfect, and Kurt was walking slowly away from the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy building and towards Blaine. Kurt had not been all that pleased when he had found out that he wasn't going to be doing 'regular counselling'. Anyone had to admit that whole 'Cognitive Behavioural Therapy' term was pretty daunting. But Blaine was sure this was going to be the best thing, having researched it as therapy that works in a progressive way to change thought patterns and eventually behaviour related to anxiety or depression. And that's what Kurt needed. Well, hopefully. Otherwise it was pretty certain that Blaine was going to get some sort of silent treatment starting now.
Kurt reached the tree and his smile indicated that he was, in fact, alright. His eyes were a little watery, and he had definately been crying.
"Kurt, my darling, my love, my sweet," Blaine- Always the Charmer. "How was it?"
"It wasn't half as scary as I thought. But it was hard, talking through all these things that I choose to deflect all the time instead of thinking about. I think I'll go back. Well, I've already booked for the same time next week". Kurt said, laying out his jacket and lying down on the ground with his head of Blaines' stomach.
Blaine breathed in and out heavily, making Kurt giggle at the fact his pillow was moving up and down.
"Oi, What are you laughing at?" Blaine asked.
"You!" Replied Kurt.
Blaine responded to this with automatically- digging his fingers into Kurts ribs and tickling him. Kurt jumped up and went straight for Blaines arm pits, releasing a war cry and laughing uncontrollably.
They rolled around on the ground, ignoring the stares they were receiving from passing strangers reacting to the high pitched laughter erupting from the boys. While Kurts bony fingers and elbows aided him in the battle, Blaines experience of tickle-fights while growing up with his siblings made him much more experienced and tactical. He knew just where to aim for- Underneath knees, the back of the neck, and of course the bottom of feet.
'Mercy! Mercy!" Yelled Kurt, panting for breath while lying flat on his back trying to yank his left foot out of Blaines keen grip and kick him with the other. "I give up! You are officially the Champion".
"The Champion, aye?" Blaine let go of his foot, and grinned down at him, "And what does a Champion get?".
Kurt instinctively reached up and grabbed a the front of Blaines shirt, pulling him down on top of him. They laughed into each others mouths as their lips pressed together, soft and sweet. Kurt wrung his fingers into Blaines curls, and savoured the all the amazing sensations that Blaine gave. His smell, of sandle-wood and soap, and his taste of peppermints and coffee. The softness of his skin, and strength in his flesh. His happy laughter, which still gave Kurt butterflies. Their kisses were passionate, passionate and perfect. The boys carried on, giggling and kissing as the park became deserted and the wind went cold.
This was it. Lying on the grass with his boyfriend in his arms, and the imprint of kisses still felt on his lips. This was where Kurt felt safe. This was where Kurt felt hopeful for whatever was to come next.
TBC.
Chapter One was a little morbid, so I thought I'd end this one on a much lighter note. I'm keen to find out how this ends, so I think a chapter or two more is definately on the cards.
Main characters belong to Ryan Murphy and Glee.
