First step
The sun was bearing down and the relentless sharp rays were piercing the eyes of Connor Hayes as he strolled through the Melrose Trading Post. The blond man shielded his face with his hand. Going with his sister, her husband and their daughter to the flea market didn't seem like the brightest idea right now, especially when his sister was boring a hole in his skull with all her questions.
"Keep your hat on, sweetheart," Lucy said, while carefully peeling her daughter's hands away as the child was ripping at the frilly sun hat. Connor's older sister looked back at him before continuing the original conversation. "I just don't understand why you won't just go out on a single date? I have plenty of friends that I can set you up with."
"Lucy, I don't want to date any of your friends." Connor sighed. He knew his sister very well and she was like a derailed freight train when she got started on his love life.
"A date wouldn't kill you. I could ask someone to lunch at Mom and Dad's and keep it casual," Lucy suggested. Connor rubbed his face frustrated. First of all, he wasn't dating anyone, but it wasn't because he was disinterested, just that things were complicated. "There has to be one woman that you like."
I don't want to date women, Connor basically screamed in his head. His usually good mood plummeted as he stared into his beloved sister's blue eyes. He wanted so much to tell Lucy the truth, to just open up and be honest with her. "I'm just not interested in being tied down by anything right now, okay?" Connor lied smoothly. He was good at this game. He knew how to use his pawns to keep any suspicion away from himself.
"Who said anything about being tied down? I was talking about dating, not marriage."
"Says my sister, who got married at twenty years old." Gently, he pressed his sister aside and pushed the stroller forward moving through the crowded marketplace. Lucy was young when she settled down, but it hadn't been a surprise. She had been dating Jared since she was fifteen and they had pretty much been attached at the hip since the day they fell in love. Connor had been thirteen at the time and that was ten years ago. "It's not for me, Lucy."
"Oh, come on, Connor. You and I are too much alike. You don't want to be alone for the rest of your life anymore than I want to be without Jared. You haven't dated since high school. It's not normal."
"Lucy, leave your brother alone," Jared, interjected. "When he's ready, he'll let us meet someone he's interested in. Don't be so pushy." Lucy's husband flashed a charismatic smile when she grumbled. It won her over as usual and her face brightened with a smile.
Connor sent him an appreciative look, while pretending to be distracted by a stack of old vinyl. He hoped desperately that this would be the end of his sister's relentless prodding into his personal life. Lucy had no clue who he was deep down. It wasn't that Connor ever wanted to string his sister along. He had just never found the right way to tell her that women didn't exactly make him go giddy.
A small warm hand crept into his. "Look, Unkie Connie." Katie, his niece, pointed to a table several vendors' seats down. Connor looked to where the girl pointed trying to find out what captured the child's attention. It wasn't hard. Toys.
"You want to go have a look?" Connor squatted down next to the stroller as the girl nodded frantically. "Okay," he said, unfastening the harness. He settled the twenty-two pound girl on his arm. This way, he would very efficiently escape what was left of the discussion concerning his secret love life. Idly, he wondered how the hell his sister would react if she knew that he wasn't completely celibate like she clearly thought. He didn't dare draw a conclusion because he loved his family dearly and he had been biding his time for God knows how long. Perhaps, he would always be in the closet.
"Don't put her down, Connor," Lucy called after him in that annoying way that only a nervous mother would. Turning back, the blond man threw a mocking grin at her. He wasn't about to lose his precious little niece in the crowded marketplace. He wasn't that dumb.
"You like this one?" Connor asked as the little girl pointed to a white teddy with a princess costume.
"Yes," she squealed.
"You want Uncle to get that for you?" She threw her pudgy short arms around his neck, choking him with an enthusiastic hug. "Hang on, sweet bear," he said and put the girl down to get the money out of his pocket. The wrinkly old lady, who owned the small booth, took forever to stuff the teddy in a bag.
"Here you go, son." Connor handed over the money, while feeling excited to buy his niece something she really wanted. Basically, he was on a life mission and that was to spoil the toddler rotten every chance he got. Looking down, he realized there was no little girl pulling at his knees. Scanning the immediate area, he saw there was no Katie to be seen anywhere. No girl in a yellow dress with a pink frilly hat.
"Fuck!" he breathed when his heart suddenly threw itself into a wild panic. "Katie? Katie bear?" Frantically, he looked under the table and then at the next little store. Nothing. He whipped around in a circle, while searching in every direction. She was gone. A girl that small could be anywhere. What if someone took her? Covering his mouth with his hand, Connor realized that he fucking lost his niece.
After someone grabbed his arm, he spun around before seeing it was only the old wrinkly lady, who just sold him the teddy. She pointed passionately in a direction. There at the end of the aisle stood his little niece in her yellow dress with her sunhat in her hand. She was marveling at a teenage boy blowing soapy bubbles.
"Thank you, Jesus," Connor gushed. His pulse was pounding in his ears, overriding the chatter of the people on a Sunday stroll. Running at full sprint and barely missing a fat guy downing a Slushy, Connor took a huge calming breath when he crouched down next to Katie.
"Hey, tiny bear," he said wrapping his arm around her waist. Though his instinct was to yell at the girl for getting lost, he thought better of it. He was the one who screwed up. He was the one who put her down when his sister told him not to. Besides, she was having the time of her life letting the bubbles crash against her palm.
"Unkie Connie, bubbles."
"Yeah, bubbles. They're pretty," he agreed, while taking another slow cleansing breath to make his heart rate calm down again. Fucking hell. Hooking an arm around Katie, he hefted the child to his side. "Here, I got your teddy. Let's go find Mommy and Daddy."
"Momma bear. Momma bear," Katie trilled, as she ripped it from the bag and gave the bear a crushing hug.
Turning back, Connor's bad luck didn't ease up when smacked right into an unsuspecting girl, knocking her over.
"Watch it!" the girl spat, while sitting on her behind. She glowered at him from behind several layers of heavy and dark make-up.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't see you," he apologized and held out his hand, as he balanced Katie on his hip. Crowded markets were so not his thing and today was so not his day.
"Whatever!" she hissed.
"I really didn't mean any harm. Are you okay?" he asked, ignoring her hostile reproach as he hauled her up by one hand.
"I was on my ass, did I look okay?" Connor made a wry face, while hoping to reach some sort of stalemate with her teenage hormones. He had no experience handling those.
"Bree, the man apologized." The man's voice was soft and consolatory as he spoke. Connor would know that voice just about anywhere.
"Ben?" Connor asked and once more his heart was thumbing away in his chest. He had only met the dark haired man with the olive skin a handful of times, but he couldn't deny that he let his mind run a bit wild with a fantasy on occasion. The dark haired man with the captivating gentle voice was someone Connor had noticed and wanted to be noticed by.
"Connor, It's nice to see you again," Ben answered politely. Connor's face broke into a huge smile, perhaps a little too large for such a simple encounter.
"You two know each other?" The teenager asked.
"Yes," Connor answered.
"No," Ben replied at the same time.
"Uhm, not really," Connor amended, slightly embarrassed. He wanted to get know Ben better, not that he did. He was about to set Katie down again, but quickly thought better of it. "So…" The blond swallowed tightly, fishing for something to say, yet drawing a complete blank.
Ben smiled softly. His brown eyes were so full of emotions that were hard to pinpoint. Had Connor known him better, he may have known what caused all of the feelings clearly swirling around in those big brown eyes, beautiful big brown eyes.
Lucy's nagging about dating suddenly came barreling into Connor's head. Was dating even an option? No, it wasn't. Besides, would Ben swing his way? Having watched the olive-skinned man from afar every second that he had the chance while auditioning, Connor had to admit it was plausible, but he wasn't certain.
"Oh, this is Bree. Bree, this is Connor." Ben smiled again, inadvertently drawing Connor's attention to his mouth. Hmm, that mouth was just so… kissable. "Say hello, Bree," Ben encouraged when the girl just crossed her arms across his chest, looking every bit the sullen teenager that she was.
"It's nice to meet you," Connor answered, knowing that wouldn't bring a smile on the girl's face, but he could try nonetheless. "This is Katie." He pinched her cheek and all his niece did was reciprocate by pinching Connor's cheek back. Ben laughed.
"Hi, Katie," he said cheerfully. "I didn't know you had a family?"
"She's not mine. She's my sister's. I'm just her uncle," Connor eagerly clarified. He didn't want Ben to make any assumptions, not when the blond was searching his head like mad about how to let him know that he may just be nursing a small crush. The dark haired man, his small appealing smile and big brown eyes fascinated him.
"Is he your boyfriend?" Bree asked tersely. Unwinding her arms, she started fiddling with a chunk of long hair. Giving the girl a closer look, he could see there was there was sadness tinged with unease about her. She looked troubled; she also looked like trouble.
Ben let out a small chuckle. "No, Bree. I know Connor through work."
The blond man suppressed his smile and internally thanked the teenager for her blunt question, because it answered one uncertainty that was playing around his head. Ben didn't disclose the possibility of being gay, merely that they weren't an item. Now the next question was did he have a boyfriend? Another question, who was the girl? Connor tightened his arm around Katie, pondering how to prolong the conversation so he could find out more about this man.
God, this situation was growing complicated before there was even anything to stress about really. Connor was simply very curious. He wanted to know the man he had auditioned for three times, because the final call had taken place Friday and he hadn't been cast. He had no real reason to run into this man again. Even this encounter was a stroke of luck.
"Well, you have a nice Sunday," Ben offered, placing his hands on Bree's shoulders.
No, no, no.
"You, too," Connor answered, before throwing in a bright smile as a nervous twitch. In the last desperate seconds before Ben was gone again, all Connor did was look down, succumbing to heavy and frantic beat of his heart. He watched Ben's back, as the olive skinned man walked away. He was chatting softly with the teenager, who was now able to conjure up a smile. Connor closed his eyes for a moment, feeling his life passing him by without him even living it. It didn't even seem fair.
Deep in his pocket, his phone buzzed. Checking the text, he was surprised to see it was from just about the last person he wanted to hear from - Drew.
"I'm sorry. Make up sex?"
Connor hit delete, not wanting to bother with his friend/lover or whatever.
On this sunny Sunday afternoon at the Melrose Trading Post, Connor suddenly felt depressed. It wasn't something he was familiar with. Normally, he was just okay. He was always okay. His spirits were usually high, but watching someone that he was interested in dating walk away made him realize how much he was hiding from the outside world.
Finding his sister and her husband again, Connor quickly made up an excuse saying that he had to go, because he needed to prepare for another audition. It was a lie.
The windows of Connor's car were rolled down as he idly cruised through the parking lot. He was down at Santa Monica beach looking for the beat up old Golf with the horrendously faded paint job. Not far from his usual spot, Connor hit the jackpot. The beach was busy, so he ended up double-parking and not really caring that he would get a ticket.
Jessica Stanley was under the shower rinsing her board when Connor spotted her. He had known her for years, though they weren't really that close. However, they had several things in common. Both surfing and sexuality were a major part of their lives. Jess was just about the only person who knew about Connor and that was why he needed to see his friend. Two years ago in a fit of desperation, he had confided in her. He needed someone to talk to and Jess was a good listener… when she was quiet herself.
"Where's your board?" Jess asked immediately when she saw him. She stared at him like she was trying to figure out some sort of conundrum as to why Connor would possibly be at the beach sans board.
"At home," Connor answered quietly. He only knew Jess from the beach, but he truly enjoyed how easy-going she was. She knew him better than the closest members of his family.
"What? No snarky comment. You wound me, Hayes." She paused, before making a face. "You look like you could use a good strong drink."
Connor smirked. "You know I don't drink."
"I got you to smile though," she answered sweetly.
"True. You got a minute?"
"For you, always. What's up?" Quickly, she knotted her wet hair into a messy bun and hefted her surfboard under her arm. Connor followed her quietly back to her car. "You want to grab something to eat. I'm starving."
"Sure," Connor muttered while his mind was racing. His head felt heavy, especially since the run-in with Ben.
"Let me just get changed." Standing in between two cars, Jess quickly dried off and threw a shirt on, before wiggling her wet bikini top out through her sleeve. Connor stared at her, while thinking that he should be feeling something at the sight of her changing. Jess was a pretty girl. She had a nice wholesome shape and knowing, okay, seeing her nipples strain against her shirt when she wasn't wearing anything underneath should provoke a reaction, right?
Who was he kidding? No, it shouldn't… and it didn't.
"If you don't stop staring at my boobs, I'm going to smack you over the head. You're freaking me out with this emo shit, Connor."
"Sorry." Shaking his head, the blond man snapped out of it. This wasn't him. All he wanted was to talk and perhaps get some sage advice from a friend he had trusted with his secret. Jess threw on a pair of shorts and flip-flops, before they went across the street to a small deli.
"So, lay it on me, what happened?" Jess asked just before sinking her teeth into her chicken sandwich.
"Nothing in particular and everything," Connor sighed, as he dipped a French fry into the ketchup, before throwing it into his mouth. How could he explain what was racing though his mind without whining about it? He had built walls around his life, he had made all the decisions and he was in the driving seat. If he was dissatisfied, only he held the power to change it, but he didn't know how. "Maybe I'm just lonely."
"We all get lonely. Go out and get laid. It takes the edge off. That's what I do," Jess answered.
"See, that's the thing. It's not all that exciting," he countered. "I've been doing that and honestly, I can't really be bothered anymore. Maybe it would be nice to have some companionship for once."
Jess lowered her sandwich. "Are you saying you want something more?"
Connor shrugged. "Who doesn't? I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. So, yeah, if I met someone I liked, I'd take the chance. Well, now thinking about it, I would take the chance, but…" He left the sentence drift into silence.
Jess took his hand, while gravely looking into his eyes. "You're not ready to come out, are you?"
"Not even close," he snorted.
"Then don't force it. It's because of your family, right?" she asked and Connor nodded. "If you can live with it, lead a double life for a while. Go out, date, hook up, find a boyfriend and do whatever makes you feel good."
"I'm not sure that I can do that. I can't be with someone and then be completely dishonest with him. That's not who I am."
"You don't have to be dishonest. I've been there. I felt the stress of telling the world around me that I was gay. If you want my advice, when you start dating, tell the guy that you like your little closet, but you're interested in him. I assure you he'll understand and if he doesn't, he's an asshole and not worth your time."
"You make it sound so simple," Connor said, before biting off a piece of bread.
"I know," Jess laughed. "So who's on your mind?"
"Now why do you think there is someone on my mind?" He smirked. With Jess, it wasn't as easy to play this afternoon off as if it was nothing. She knew to look behind the smoke screen and call him out.
"Are you playing coy with me, Connor Hayes?" Jess batted her lashes. "It's obvious that someone is turning your head and it's okay. So when are you going to ask him out?" she asked enthusiastically. Connor stared at his friend like she was speaking pig Latin. "You're going to ask this mystery man out, right?"
Once more, it was crystal clear that Connor was living safely inside his cozy little closet and was never really seeing the outside world. Sure, in the safety of his cage, he had entertained the idea of asking Ben out, but acting on it was highly doubtful. "No."
"Why not?"
"I can't just do that. I hardly know him."
"Okay, maybe I totally missed the plot, but isn't that the point of dating? Getting to know someone?" Jess flashed a sassy smile. Connor groaned.
"Yes, but I have nothing to offer. A lifetime of hiding out, now there's an attractive quality," he muttered sardonically. He grabbed the last few French fries and tossed them in his mouth before pushing his empty plate away. He wasn't full by a long shot, but it would hold him for an hour or so.
"Connor, have you not been paying attention?" Jess protested. "Just because you're not ready to acknowledge your sexuality in public doesn't mean that you have to ignore it in private. Besides, any guy would be lucky to go out with you." She daintily put the last bit of sandwich in her mouth and chewed. "Besides, you're kind of hunky."
Connor snorted, while almost choking on a French fry. "Hunky? Oh, sweetheart, the only hunky thing you like is when the mechanic changes the oil on the old dingy car of yours and that's merely because it saves you the trouble."
Jess laughed. "True, but you did stare at my boobs earlier. I needed to get you back. Wait, I didn't get you back. I paid you a compliment. You should be grateful," she said sagaciously.
Connor sighed. "I am. Thank you for listening."
"Anytime. So, your mystery man, is he hot?"
Connor smirked. Was Ben hot? Well, personally Connor appreciated the masculine and horizontal line of Ben's shoulders, his lanky build and long neck. Ben was tall, maybe not matching his own six-two, but still tall and slim in a very appealing way. The thought of the olive skinned man's grandfather-inspired wardrobe that he pulled off to a tee, while making it look cool, had Connor smiling. Not to mention those endlessly deep brown eyes. "Yeah, Ben's pretty damn sexy," he answered, without even having gotten to the man's face and those very soft-looking and kissable lips.
"Ben," Jess mused. "Ben the hottie. I say go for it, Connor. Don't be so scared to live your life. Ask Ben out."
Connor sat back, before tilting his head against the brick wall. Perhaps, Jess was right. Maybe that was his problem, he was scared of living. That wasn't him at all. It never had been. Connor was a bit of daredevil. He took chances that not everyone else did, so why was he so hesitant to take a chance on love? He knew the answer – his family. They weren't going to approve once they learned that he was gay. However, right now, what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them. "Maybe I will ask him out," he murmured.
oooooOOOOooooo
That's all folks… for now.
Thank you to my team of sweethearts. Chartwilightmom, Dazzled Eyes22 and AnnaLund. You're all too awesome.
What do you think? Do you like the boys?
I do *blushes*
Laters
