Disclaimer: Lucy Hale and Ian Harding are their own people with their own lives. I do not own them. I'm merely writing a story for entertainment purposes. Aria belongs to ABC Family and Sara Shepherd.
Lucy awoke suddenly to a dark room, and wondered what had caused her to wake up. It felt really early; much earlier than she was used to. That's when she became aware of wailing. Nathan. She sat up and rubbed her eyes. She grabbed her phone to check the time. 5:47 am. She groaned. Aria must still be sleeping. Lucy pushed herself out of bed as the crying intensified.
Nathan was lying in his crib, hysterically waving his arms and legs. Lucy heaved him up.
"Shhh Sweetie, don't cry. Shhh Auntie Lucy is going to make you a bottle. Okay Sweetie, don't cry."
His crying slowed as she jiggled him on her hip. She carried him to the kitchen and found a bottle for him in the fridge which she warmed up. She sat on the sofa feeding him and he hungrily drank it down.
Lucy brushed her hand against his soft blond hair. He was the spitting image of his father except that his eyes were hazel instead of blue. He held her gaze and she held the bottle up to his mouth. He seemed to be trying to convey his gratitude to her through his intense focus.
"Poor baby," she whispered.
Lucy briefly closed her eyes. Jake was a great guy and had fit so well into their family. Like Aria he was passionate but he was more easy-going than her. He was less intense. When her emotions were flying all over the place, he could steady her. He was her rock. He had managed the perfect balance between family and work and that was something that Lucy admired him greatly for. And now he was gone.
She opened her eyes and pulled the empty bottle out of Nathan's mouth and lifted him over her shoulder to burp him. She was so angry and that drunk. He had been convicted and was now serving time in jail for man-slaughter. The only comfort in that was that he wouldn't be able to hurt anyone else. It was a small comfort because nothing could bring Jake back. Lucy only hoped that there was something or someone out there that could make Aria whole again.
She could feel Nathan's head heavy on her shoulder, indicating that he had fallen asleep. Careful not to jostle him, she stood up and slowly climbed the stairs, carefully lowering him down into his crib. He stirred but then relaxed. He was asleep. Lucy wearily rubbed her eyes, wondering briefly how her sister did this every single day. If this is what motherhood entailed she wasn't sure if she was up for it.
She decided to check on Aria before going back to bed. Aria was not peacefully asleep. She was thrashing around the big bed, mumbling incoherently. Lucy stood for a moment wondering if there was anything she could do to help. Then Aria did what she had done the night before. Her arms reached out searching, searching, finding nothing.
"Jake," she moaned.
Lucy couldn't take it. Knowing that it probably wasn't the best idea, she climbed in beside her anyway.
"Aria," she whispered, brushing hair off her face.
Aria stopped moving. A moment later her eyes fluttered open.
"Lucy," she sighed. "I thought maybe you were... that he...-" she stopped, choking on her words.
Lucy silently wrapped her arms around her sister. She felt Aria trembling beneath her, felt Aria's tears soaking her t-shirt.
"Shhh... Shhh..." she repeated mindlessly, comfortingly, her heart aching.
Eventually Aria's sobs slowed. She hiccoughed once or twice and then pulled away from Lucy.
"Is Nathan sleeping? He usually gets up around now."
"I fed him and he went back to sleep."
"Thanks." Aria slid her legs over the side of the bed.
"Where are you going? Come back to sleep."
Aria shrugged. "You can sleep. I'll sleep when I'm dead." She tried to say it with a straight face but her lower lip betrayed her as it dangerously quivered.
Lucy leaned back with a sigh as Aria grabbed some clothes and made her way over to the bathroom. She climbed off the bed suddenly uncomfortable being on their bed and made her way over to the guest bedroom. She was just getting comfortable again in bed when the first strains of piano reached her ears. She sat up listening closely. It was a new song. Of course. What was Aria doing the morning after burying her husband? Playing piano. It reminded her of their teenage years; finding Aria at the piano at all times of day and night, papers strewn about, alternately scribbling down music notes and lyrics.
Aria played very well, professionally even. They often talked about putting out an album with Aria's music and lyrics and Lucy's vocals. Somehow, though, it never happened. Lucy was extremely busy with her TV show and Aria with her baby.
Now Aria was having a difficult time. Lucy listened as she struggled. Aria played a few notes and then broke off. She played another few bars and then broke off again. She tried combining the two parts but failed miserably. Lucy cringed at the discordant sound.
Giving up on sleep Lucy threw some clothes on and hurried down stairs to the living room. Aria sat hunched over the baby grand, tears streaking down her face, fingers poised silently over the keys. A notebook was open on the bench beside her; the page blank.
Aria felt Lucy's presence and her shoulders tensed. She wanted to be alone. She didn't want her sister to watch her fall apart, again. Not being able to find the music within her was killing her; it had never happened to her before. She swiped the tears off her cheek. The universe had abandoned her, first taking her husband, now taking her music. She did not want Lucy's pity.
"I just want to be alone." Her voice trembled, her eyes focused on the black and white keys. She was afraid to look up and meet Lucy's eyes; afraid to see the pity that she knew they held.
"Of course," Lucy whispered.
Aria waited until Lucy's footsteps faded. Playing piano always made her feel good, made her feel whole, regardless if she was playing one of her own compositions or the classics. Her fingers mindlessly went to Beethoven soothing her with its familiarity.
Aria picked at the food Lucy had placed in front of her. She wasn't hungry; she couldn't imagine being hungry ever again. Lucy tapped her fingers anxiously on the table.
"Aria, is it okay if I go? I told Chris I'd meet him for lunch. I thought Mom would be here by now but she can't come until later this afternoon."
"Sure." A monotonous syllable. She spoke to her plate. She was forgetting how to make eye contact.
"I'll be here again tonight."
"You don't have to." A monotonous sentence.
"I want to."
"I'll be fine."
"No you won't."
Aria looked up briefly, hazel eyes meeting identical hazel.
"I won't be fine and you still don't have to come," Aria conceded, intently squashing peas with her fork.
"I want to, Aria. Why do you think I don't want to spend time with you?"
Hmmm... Because maybe you want to spend time with Chris or Claire, or Annie or anybody else. Maybe because I don't want your pity and I definitely don't want you to start seeing me as a burden.
Aria shrugged keeping her thoughts to herself. Lucy flicked away her irritation at Aria for being so closed. If she hadn't been in a rush she might have attempted to make Aria open up. Instead she hugged Aria and hurried out.
"I love you! I'll see you later!"
"I love you too," Aria returned only once she heard the front door close.
She stood up and dumped the contents of her plate in the garbage and the dishes in the sink. She couldn't find the energy to wash them. She was about to curl up on the sofa when she heard Nathan crying from his bedroom. She lugged herself upstairs, changed his diaper, and then brought him back down. She placed him in his high chair and silently fed him. He gurgled and cooed, banging his fist against his tray. Aria managed to force a small smile, knowing in her head that her baby needed her positive reactions but unable to find it in her heart to do so.
Aria wiped his mouth and chin, hauled him out of his chair and set him down in the play room with toys. She sat on the floor near him with her back against the wall, playing with her wedding ring. She couldn't remove it. Taking it off meant that her marriage was really over, that she was a widow and her baby an orphan. No. It couldn't be. She was too young.
Nathan began to cry interrupting her thoughts. Sighing she lifted him up and rocked him. He cried harder. She began to pace, softly shushing him. He continued to scream. She could feel the frustration rising within her.
"Nathan honey, shhh, don't cry buddy. It's okay."
She took a deep breath trying to calm her racing heart.
"Shhh…"
Her frantic pacing matched his frantic cries. Aria felt like she was going to burst. She reached for the phone.
"Hi Mom, can you please come over?" she sobbed. "Nathan is screaming and I can't calm him down."
Her mother was there ten minutes later and took the bawling Nathan from a grateful Aria. Within minutes he quieted down. Defeated, she sat down on the sofa.
"I'm a horrible mother."
Julie sat near her, bouncing her grandson on her knee.
"Of course you aren't honey. Nathan senses your distress and is responding to it. He feels your pain and it hurts him."
"Right. Like I said, I'm a horrible mother."
Julie patted her knee. "Oh honey," was all she said.
Aria foolishly regretted calling her mother over. She stood up. "Is it alright if I go lay down?"
"Of course, Aria."
Aria met her mother's eyes and immediately turned away. Her mother's pain and compassion seared through her. She dragged herself up to her bedroom and huddled in bed, stroking a picture of Jake.
"I miss you honey, come back soon, please."
She closed her eyes feeling as if the world was tumbling around her. She had the eerie sensation that sanity was beyond her grasp; she was losing it and was terrified. One moment she was sure that Jake was on a business trip and would be home soon and the next moment the truth would come crashing down on her, crushing her with its weight, knowing that she would never see him again. When those moments hit all she could do was curl into a ball and with tears streaming down her face wait for it to pass. The only thing that kept her connected was thinking about Nathan, about how he needed her. She was beginning to fear that maybe even that wasn't enough.
Aria awoke to the sound of the front door opening; unaware that she had fallen asleep. She climbed out of bed and opened her bedroom door. She paused, listening to her mother's and Lucy's conversation.
"Oh hey Mom. I didn't expect you to still be here."
"Yes, well, Aria got a little overwhelmed so she called me over."
"Where is she now?"
"In her room."
"Sleeping?"
"I imagine so."
Silence. Aria debated if she should go downstairs. She wondered how Nathan was faring without her.
"I fed some of that baby rice cereal. He actually ate it really nicely. He's sleeping now so hopefully he'll sleep through the night," Julie informed Lucy. "I'm going to go home now."
"Thanks, and Mom?"
"Yes?"
"What do I do with Aria? This morning she was trying to play piano and it just wasn't going. When I came over to speak to her she asked me to leave. And then at lunch I was trying to speak to her and she just blew me off."
"I think we need to give her space. We need to be there in the background so that she knows that when she's ready to open up we will be there for her."
Aria thought she heard Lucy choke back a sob. "It's so hard. I keep on thinking Jake will walk through the door, smiling, saying how it's all a joke."
"I know honey just imagine how much harder it is for Aria."
Lucy shuddered.
"I've got to go. Goodnight Lucy."
"Goodnight Mom."
Aria crawled back into bed. It felt good to know that her Mom understood that she needed space; she needed to be alone, to grieve. It felt good to know that Lucy shared in her pain, that she wasn't the only one who missed Jake. For the first time since she had heard the crushing news she felt a spark of hope that maybe she'd eventually get through this.
A/N:
A very big thank you lostinthemusicx11 for your encouraging review.
Thanks to all of you who liked and Favorited this story.
I would like to get more reviews if that's possible.
Comments, questions, and criticisms are very much appreciated.
P.S. Ian Harding shows up in next chapter!
