I had a relatively good response to this crazy fic. Thank you for the funny PM's, reviews, follows, favorites and ideas for future chapters. I love that you like my unique sense of humor.
Thanks to a certain person who will remain nameless. Her PM's have me laughing my ass off.
Thank you to Tracy for beat'ing. MUAH! Xo
And here we go …
The Misfortunes of Edward Cullen
Chapter 2- I Hate Tooting My Own Horn
"It won't be that bad. Come on."
Bella sticks her bottom lip out in a plump pout and bats her eyelashes. It's such a girl move and works EVERY. DAMN. TIME. She knows it works too, which is the problem.
MY problem.
"I'll try, but I swear if I wither away and die of hunger I'll never forgive you."
"You'll be dead so it won't matter." She gives me a cheeky grin.
I can't help but swat her sweet ass with the back of my hand as I follow her out of the cafeteria.
"Ouch."
It can't be that bad being a vegetarian, can it? Lots of people live this lifestyle. Maybe I can do this thing, anything for my Sweet Cheeks.
"Promise me you won't cheat, and if you think you can't go one more minute without meat, I'll give you a little inspiration." She stops and licks her lips, and I find my back pushed against a locker. "If you know what I mean."
"Shouldn't that be my line?"
"Very funny." She wiggles her hips. "You can come over to my house and …"
I take her hand and pull her down the hall, cutting off her words. "Oh, fuck no! Last time I was at your house playing in your playground, your dad came home."
Bella laughs heartily. "I … I …" Her hand covers her mouth.
"Shut up, will you?" I try suppressing the smirk threatening to stretch across my face by mashing my lips together.
"Edward. I didn't smell like fish," she whispers. "You know I wouldn't ever let you down there without being clean."
I shake my head at the memory of shaking the Chief of Police's hand with cooter juice on my hand.
"One week, Bells. I'll give up meat for one week."
"Two," she counters. Her lashes bat like hummingbird wings and the pouty lip is back with a vengeance.
"Fine." My shoulders droop, and I think my head hangs a little at what I've just agreed to.
I give Bella a kiss on her cheek when I deposit her at her classroom before going across the hall to mine.
.
.
.
Sue, our favorite diner waitress, delivers the massive amount of food we've ordered and we immediately dig in.
"She's crazy, guys. I told Bella I had an errand to run, but really I just needed to fill up on chili hotdogs, hamburgers and hot wings here before starting the dreaded veggie diet tomorrow.
"Why isn't she starting this on Monday? Don't all chicks start diet shit on Mondays—not Thursdays?" Jasper says. He has his corndog positioned in front of his mouth ready to sink his teeth into the fried goodness.
Emmett laughs. "You're doomed. You can't go without beef jerky or Slim Jims for two days without making a stop at the corner store. You'll be in full on withdrawal by the time two weeks is up."
"Fuck me running."
"Maybe it won't be as bad as you think," Jasper says. "They do make fake meat."
All three of our faces scrunch up at the thought.
"Never mind," he says swirling this corn dog in ketchup.
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.
.
"What'd you have for breakfast?" Bella's bubbly voice is sweet, yet unnerving all at the same time.
My mom got up early and made me breakfast, so I'm pretty okay at the moment.
"Eggs, oatmeal and an apple."
"Great. I brought our lunch. I want to make this easy for you."
I nod and roll my eyes. If she wants to make things easy on me then she could have done this damn thing all on her own, but instead she needs me to hold her hand or something. It's not like she's doing this for her health. She's all of a sudden become a PETA sympathizer. I'm all for the humane treatment of animals, but the farm variety should be okay to nourish our bodies.
"Can't wait."
"You'll be fine you big baby."
We take our seats in Biology, and all I can think about is Meat Lovers pizza, fried chicken, steak and any other meat I'm forbidden to consume during the next two weeks.
Day one officially sucks ass, and my stomach growls in protest.
.
.
.
When I make my way through the cafeteria doors with Emmett and Jasper, Bella is already sitting at our table with what looks like our lunch set out and waiting for us. Emmett and Jasper chuckle, covering their mouths with their hands and nudging me with elbows, making fun of the scene up ahead.
I spot two bowls of leafy greens with colorful vegetables in them, a fruit salad and a single serving package of cheese with a water bottle.
"A rainbow of goodness is waiting for you," Bella says as I take my seat.
I mutter under my breath. "Fuck the rainbow." I manage a smile though. "Thanks, Sweet Cheeks."
I'm starving and try to ignore the guys as they continue to laugh at me. I'm definitely not looking their way while they eat their hot roast beef sandwiches with mashed potatoes and brown gravy smothered over the top because I'm afraid I'd jump over the table, knock them unconscious and scarf down their food.
Okay, so I peeked, and I do want to punch something.
Rose asks me how I'm doing so far on the diet, but I don't answer. I'm chewing a mouth full of salad, which tastes as good as what I imagine cut grass tastes like. Bella drizzled lemon vinaigretteon top of our salads, and I'm so unsatisfied right now that I'm afraid I might bite Rose's head off if I try carrying on a conversation with her. So, I ignore her.
If I'm going to do this damn deal, Hidden Valley is going to be my best friend. I'll make the stop after school and buy a few bottles.
"He will be fine," Bella says. "I have our meals planned out for the entire two weeks. I made menus on my computer. Oh!" She puts her fork down and reaches for her purse pulling a piece of paper out. "Here's your copy, baby."
My eyes tip up looking at the paper she put in front of me, and all I see are vegetables. I'm about to cry but then I see Friday, Bean Burritos.
Yes!
I could live off bean burritos and chips and salsa forever if I had to. Of course, I'd like some cow or chicken nestled in there, but if I put enough cheese and sour cream in them, I'll be one hundred.
"Thanks, Bells." And for the first time today, I think I might just survive.
"See. Not too bad, huh?"
"Can we make substitutions?"
"Sure, if it's on the list then that's fine."
"All right. I'm eating burritos for every meal."
Bella lifts her eyebrow and cocks her head. The half smile on her face should alert me that she knows something I don't. "It's cool with me, and the animals thank you too."
.
.
.
"Mom!" I shout when I walk in the house from the garage. "Mom!"
"Edward? What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Well, everything. I'm starving. Bella and this stupid diet she talked me into has me thinking about food constantly."
Mom laughs, taking a seat at the table offering me a snack. The kitchen smells of cinnamon and raisins and oatmeal.
"Have a cookie or five if you're famished." She winks.
I grab a seat next to her retelling the misery of watching Em and Jas eating Hot Roast Beef Sandwiches at lunch while I ate rabbit food. "It was horrible."
"It's sweet that you're going along with another one of Bella's whims."
"From what she told me about her mother jumping from one thing to another, I fear I'll be taking a pottery class at the Recreation Center soon."
"Oh, Edward." Mom slaps her hand down on the table as high pitched laughter escapes her lungs. I love my mom's laugh. It makes me laugh as well.
I wipe tears from my eyes, smiling. "So will you help me survive this diet?"
"Of course, Honey. How can I help?"
"I want bean and cheese burritos— lots of them."
Mom's eyes bug out, and again, I wonder why the women in my life are giving me these strange looks.
"O-kaaay."
"With sour cream."
"Kay." She bites her lip, but a smile is evident as she gets up to retrieve a piece of paper to make a grocery list.
"I figure I'll need two burritos each for lunch and dinner, every day, for fourteen days."
"Wow. Fifty-six burritos. Well, fifty-four since you've already had lunch." It is a statement, not a question. Her pen scribbles across the paper, listing tortilla shells, cheese, sour cream, beans, and more beans.
"Thanks, Mom."
"No problem, Honey."
"I'll pack your lunch for tomorrow. Should I pack some for Bella as well?"
"No, I think she wants to follow the menu she has mapped out. She's excited about eating leafy shit."
"Language," Mom scolds.
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.
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Day Six – Burrito #22
I haven't been hungry, not in the least. Mom stuffs my burritos to the hilt with all the things I love: cheese, salsa, sour cream and beans. I can't say I'm satisfied though. I now understand why Bella and Mom gave me strange looks when I told them I only wanted to eat burritos because the gas building in my gut has me clenching my butt cheeks together like a vice grip.
Em and Jas have been declining my offers for lifts to school as of two days ago, ever since the last ride with me had them clawing for the window switches when less-than-fragrant air randomly escaped my ass. Even Bella has declined rides to and from school.
I'm officially a loner.
Every aspect of my life has been tainted.
Gym class is killer and has become a nightmare. I don't want to chance working out inside, so I ask coach if I can run outside. The fresh air is good; no, it's great, for everyone involved.
Running the track with my butt squeezed together gives me a very unique stride, and in spite of my efforts to keep from farting, my ass keeps tempo with my feet.
Every time one of my feet hits the ground, my ass announces it to everyone in a five mile radius.
Up until now they've been silent and deadly but now they are straight-up deadly.
And LOUD.
I dare to look behind myself, hoping green, gaseous fog isn't following me.
I can't out run the smell.
Holy crap, I'm in burrito hell.
I'm actually afraid I sharted on the last bend of the track on lap four.
I'll never live this down.
I sneak back into the locker room and grab my clothes and car keys so I can cut school and go home. I need a shower, a clean pair of boxers and some time to figure out how I'm going to tell Bella I'm done with this ridiculous diet.
.
.
.
Bella receives my text and lets me know she's on her way over to my house. I tell her I am not feeling well and truth be told, I'm not, but I need to talk to her face to face. I'm failing the diet, big time.
She rings the doorbell and lets herself in the house and finds me in the family room. I'm freshly showered and at the moment my gut is okay. The things I did in the bathroom on the toilet are unmentionable, so I think I'm okay for at least the next half hour.
"Hey," Bella says taking a seat next to me on the couch.
"Hi."
I reach out to hold her hand.
"You okay?"
I shake my head no.
"What's wrong?"
"It's the diet. I can't do it. I'm miserable."
"The burritos getting to you?"
"Understatement of the year."
"I could have told you that much when you insisted on eating them for every meal." She shakes her head, smiling.
"Are you going to be mad if I quit?"
"Not at all. I love that you tried it for me."
"Are you sure?"
"Totally. You're friends have been harassing me and giving me the stink eye—no pun intended—because you haven't been hanging out with them, and they miss you." She leans in to kiss my cheek. "And I miss you."
"I shouldn't have been so gun ho with the legumes, I guess."
She shakes her head again.
"No, you shouldn't have. I've been fine, and I feel great. I think I'm going to stick with this diet for a while, at least. Now will you kiss me? I've missed your lips."
"I thought you'd never ask."
I give Bella a chaste kiss, and she wraps her arms around my neck tugging on me. She wants more—God how I've missed fooling around with her. I need some Bella-couch time. Wink.
Just as I'm laying her on her back, I can't help but one cheek sneak, letting a fart escape while I squeeze my ass, trying to keep it silent. I fear it's going to smell rank, but Bella's too engrossed in the make out session to notice, which I'm thankful for, so I continue to kiss her mouth and then her neck. My hands are fumbling with the buttons on her blouse and then, just like that, I'm in. I have her bra shoved up over her boobs when a rumbling as loud as Emmett's Chevy Big Block radiates from my stomach. My fingers instantaneously still on Bella's nipples.
"What the hell?"
"Sweet cheeks, maybe we should …"
"Edward, I swear this is not the time to do your thing. Hold it in. Hold. It. In."
"I'm trying." I imagine my ass cheeks are purple from the death squeeze I'm performing at the moment. "Bella. Don't. Move."
"I can't breathe. You're … squishing … me."
I make a decision, one that I'll never live down as long as I live. It's either life or death for Bella because I'm crushing her underneath me. I choose life for my girl. I close my eyes and roll to the floor. Butt cheeks clamped like the jaws of a snapping turtle, but as soon as I hit the floor, my tight hold releases along with the longest, loudest flatulence in the history of Edward M. Cullen.
"Bahahahahahahaha."
"Oh. My. God." I cover my face. If I can't see her, she can't see me. Right?
I hear Bella, but I feel her fingers wrapped around my hands trying to pull my hands from my face.
She's laughing but consoling me at the same time.
"Edward." Bahahahaha "Look at me." Bahahahaha.
"No. I'm dead."
"Look at me." She straddles my stomach, probably not the best seat in the house at the moment, and pulls at my hands. I finally relent, spreading my fingers, looking between them and notice her bra is back in place and her blouse is buttoned again, but her cheeks are streaked with tears of laughter. Her hand is fanning air in front of her nose.
"I'm looking."
"You know …" Bahahahaha "What this means?" Bahahahaha
"What?" I feel as though I could crawl under the couch and live there for eternity. I move my hands from my face and she leans down and kisses my mouth and then sits back up and puts her hands on her hips.
"The honeymoon is over."
A/N:
Bahahahahaha!
I so enjoyed your reviews from the first chapter. THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I also loved the ideas some of you had for another installment of TMoEC. I'm sure I'll be writing something else totally disgusting in the near future.
Thank you for reading and reviewing.
Xo
Gee
