May 19, 1992

Dear friend,

It seems that every morning since that first night, my head is pounding, and it's so hard to breathe. I wake up literally drenched in sweat. Not even a hot shower can really seem to wake me up anymore. It's all a weird feeling. At least thinking too much is no longer a problem, because I can never really seem to anymore.

I know this vacuous feeling isn't a hangover, either. Every night, when Patrick and I hang out, he's always the one who drinks. I barely ever have a sip of wine. Speaking of which, I've been spending a lot of my time with him lately. Much more time than anyone else, both Sam and my family included. It's just so hard seeing Patrick hurt this much. He may laugh and joke a lot, like usual, but when we're not talking, when there's nothing but silence, I can see it in his eyes. He's so lonely and sad. I wish I could make him feel better, but I don't know how.

The past few nights Patrick has taken me to this park where men go to find each other, or "hook up", as Patrick tells me. They do it anonymously. No strings attached or anything.

The first night in particular, we sat at this bench somewhere in the middle of the park. I looked around. There were silhouettes of all these couples. Some were standing underneath a tree. Some were lying in the grass. I could even hear ones that were closer to the bench. I didn't exactly feel comfortable sitting out there, but I didn't want to ruin it for Patrick, so I didn't say anything. Pretty soon, he spotted someone he liked. He turned to me and asked me if I needed any cigarettes. After I told him no, he patted my shoulder and walked away. He told me before to stay in one spot and just not look up at anyone; that way, no one would bother me. I did just that.

I lit a cigarette. I heard somebody next to me whisper, "Got an extra cigarette?" I turned to him. In the vague light emitted from my cigarette, I could see that he was man in his early twenties, much older than me. Only later did I realize who he actually was.

I told him no. And that was the truth. I only had one on me. Patrick had the rest.

The stranger walked away without another word. I looked down to the ground. No one else bothered me that night, and I was glad that they didn't. When my cigarette was mostly used up, I tossed the bud away, onto the cement at my feet. When Patrick came back, he took me home. He didn't say anything about what he did, and I didn't ask him about it. But he didn't look happy, or fulfilled, like I had hoped he'd be. He looked more miserable than ever. When we got to my house, he kissed me again. And I just let him.

Another night, he took me to this place where you can buy drugs. Not the kind of conventional drugs that Bob sells, but other, stranger kinds. Weird things you inhale. He said something about looking for poppers, but the guy didn't have them in stock, so instead he gave us some kind of aerosol can. I don't really remember the rest of the night after we inhaled the spray. Neither does Patrick, but he said we had a good time. I hope he at least did.

The main thing I was always afraid of was the nights when Patrick would pick someone up. He took me to all sorts of places were he could finds guys, not just in that park. He didn't always pick up guys, though, and on those days, he was happier, and he didn't drink or smoke as much. But on nights were he did pick up guys, he'd always be very excited at the beginning of the night, then very sad at the end of the night. I guess it just wasn't working anymore. He never looked numb or glazey. Just kind of there, seemingly unaware of the rest of the world, sometimes even me. I don't think I was ever helping him on those nights, and that's what made me really sad.

Tonight, after he pulled up to my house, he finally said something at the end. It was a night where he picked someone up. It was also a night I had drank a little bit more than a sip.

He was much more talkative than on a lot of the other nights. We made some brief small talk, before he got serious.

"Hey, Charlie?"

"Yeah?"

"What's it like?"

"What's what like?"

"You know…me leaving you to go…? Do you ever get bored? Do you ever feel bad about it?" It seemed he was doing his best to express his disconcertion, but he didn't really seem to know what to say.

I thought about what to say. I really did.

Finally, I knew exactly what to say. I just hoped that this was the right time to be honest with him. I didn't want to ruin anything again, like I had with Mary Elizabeth. If I did something like that again, then I don't think I would ever seen any of my friends again.

"It's not so much waiting that bothers me. It's that you never seem happy after you're done. We drive home and you never say anything. You just look…well, terrible. On the nights when you don't pick up guys, you seem way happier, and it makes me glad to see you that way."

He just stared at me. His gaze was soft.

I added, "I'd like to think that me coming along with you helps. Like you always have someone to fall back on and talk to, if you feel like it. Do I help?"

His mouth quivered. It looked like he was going to cry. He hugged me. In my ear, he whispered, "More than I let you know."

He held me tight, and I did the same. He thanked me for being his friend. Then he let go. That was the first night he didn't kiss me. But it looked like he really wanted to.

I thanked him back and got out of the car. He slowly drove home.

Bill gave me a new book to read a few days ago. It's called The Fountainhead, and it's very long. Bill told me to be skeptical about it when I read it. "Act like a filter, rather than a sponge", he had said.

I haven't even begun reading it yet. I've spent too much time with Patrick, and now I'm behind in all my classes. I want to get straight A's this year, but it's hard. At least I've made some progress with Patrick. Maybe I can get back on track with school soon. I hope so, at least.

Love always,

Charlie

Author's Note: Admittedly, and much like the first chapter, this one isn't so original. It's all a part of setting up everything and what not, but I do paraphrase a lot of what goes into the actual part of this story. I throw my unique spin on it all, of course, but the originality and "twist" doesn't really come into play until the next chapter.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed!