When Forever Ends

"...But I know if I could do it over,

I would trade, give away, all the words

That I saved in my heart that I left unspoken."

"What Hurts the Most", Rascal Flatts

Rain poured down in torrents, completely soaking Raphael to the bone. The wind howled miserably, seeming to echo his feelings. Raphael was no longer aware of the cold rain running down his skin. He continued to gaze blankly at the desolate alley below him. An entire army of Foot ninja could have jumped on the rooftop across from him, and Raphael wouldn't even had blinked.

Hours of sitting in the rain had numbed him, and now the only thing Raphael felt was the familiar, cold emptiness that had made a home inside him. Lightening streaked across the sky, reaching out like fingers. Raphael vaguely wondered how it would feel it he got struck by it. Would it be quick and painless, like falling asleep? Or perhaps he would be completely helpless and defenseless as he slowly died, just like...

Raphael growled, trying to shake the thoughts from his head. No matter what he did, they always ambushed him unexpectedly. Tears started to spill from his eyes, blending with the rain that slid down his face. Raphael automatically wiped them away, fruitlessly attempting to hold back the sudden emotions rising in him. At least he had shown some emotion after that night. Don had been a complete mess, and even Master Splinter had locked himself in his room for days. However, Leo hadn't shown any sign of depression over their brother's untimely death. He just trained or meditated all day, only stopping to eat. Even then, he would never once look at Raphael.

Why would he? Raphael thought bitterly. Why would he want to look at a murderer? Murderer. Raphael trembled, barely holding back a sob. He dimly wondered if it were normal to switch emotions so quickly. Raphael peered down at the alley twenty stories below him, and contemplated, not for the first time, if he should just end it all. Despite everything that had happened, Raphael couldn't do it, no matter how badly he wanted to see his little brother again. He knew Mikey would never forgive him for doing something that stupid and reckless. Raphael wouldn't make that same mistake again. He learned his lesson at the cost of his brother's life.

At least Mikey had died like a true hero, which was probably how he would have wanted to go. No, Raphael corrected himself, He didn't want to go at all. The rain slowed down slightly, as thunder rumbled from a distance. Raphael stood up, his bones popping as he moved for the first time in hours. For a moment, Raphael just gazed around, as if expecting someone to appear from the curtain of rain. Of course, just like every other night, there was no one there. He knew his brothers wouldn't bother looking for him.

Just a few weeks ago, Leo would have chewed Raphael out for being out all night without telling anyone. But now, Raphael could probably tell his family he was going to Mexico, and they wouldn't even care. Ever since Mikey died, it seemed as if Leo and Don had pushed their younger brother from their lives, whether intentionally or purposely, Raphael wasn't sure. He was surprised how much this hurt him. Even his own father wouldn't look him in the eyes. A deep part of Raphael wished that his family would just scream at him and tell him it was his fault, because anything was better than being shunned like this.

How he wished he could go back in time and make sure this never happened. Or he could at least make sure his little brother knew how much he cared about him. Even as Raphael walked dejectedly through the night, the rain just barely trickling now, he kept thinking back to all the times he had insulted or ignored Mikey. His body continued to move on autopilot, but Raphael's mind was filling with images and sounds from the past.

Mikey running up to Raphael with a huge grin on his face.

"I'm bored, Raph. Play with me!"

Raphael annoyed at being interrupted while watching wrestling.

"Go away, shell-fer-brains. I'm busy."

A six-year old Mikey standing beside Raphael's bed with tears in his eyes.

"Raphie, I had a nightmare. Can I sleep with you?"

"Quit being such a big baby, Mikey."

Raphael started running away blindly, trying to escape the more recent memories threatening to overwhelm him.

"Come on Raph, I'll be your best friend."

"He should do us all a favor and jump off the Empire State Building."

"Well, he's gonna get what he deserves one day."Stop! Raphael screamed silently, clutching his head tightly as the voices grew louder and more urgent. He howled in anguish, punching the brick wall beside him, welcoming the pain that shot up his arm. Raphael slid down the wall and sank to his knees. The voices were screaming now. All he could see was Mikey's eyes, clouded with pain, gazing at him pleadingly, begging him to end his pain.

"You idiot! Why do ya have ta screw everything up?"

"You need to stop being so hard on Mikey. He's the only little brother you'll have."

"Fine, leave then. I don't care if I never see ya again."

"MIKEY! God...oh, God...please...no.."

Raphael moaned and bent forward, resting his head against the ground. Mikey, please come back. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Despite himself, Raphael couldn't help but think back to when everything had started to go wrong.

Insert dramatic music here. Next chapter, we go back to the happy, little mutant family. Well, happy for now.