Stiles' POV
It has been four months since Scott's death, and they have been horrible, awful and never ending. A few days after he was taken to the morgue his funeral was held. It was awful to see everyone there, sad and distraught, especially Allison. She's six months pregnant now, she was barely two months pregnant when he died and just even thinking about those babies growing up without their father makes me sick to my stomach.
I still can't believe he is gone. It seemed just like yesterday that he was bitten by Peter, that we were kicking supernatural ass together...
Sighing heavily, I lay back on my bed.
I have been spending most of my time in this bed when I am not at work. I usually just sleep or stare at the walls. The logical part of my brain knows what this is, depression, but the grief idled part of my brain just wants to ignore it and wallow.
That part always wins.
Time barely has any meaning anymore. When I am at work I just blandly go through the day and at night I have such horrible nightmares about Scott. He is usually standing in front of me, surrounded by darkness, shouting at me. He blames me for his death, calls me a failure, calls me weak, things I know he would never say in real life.
I know they are just dreams, but they still take their toll on me. It is my fault Scott is dead. If I had been fast enough with researching... I stopped wanting to be the emissary after his death. If I couldn't help him how on earth was I going to be able to help the others if they ever got sick like that?
The guilt is eating me alive. I have been avoiding everyone, the pack, Allison, Melissa, my dad. The list goes on. I just can't face them. I have rarely been eating, everything is tasteless. I don't bother socializing or doing the things I used to do for fun.
I can't even stand human contact anymore. If someone tries to touch me, whether it's a handshake or a hug, even a brief shoulder bump can cause me to throw a fit. There was this one time I was practically forced to go to my boss' birthday party. Everyone there was pretty drunk and they were all touchy with each other. Just watching it was making me panic so I quietly left through the back door and went home.
Sometimes I will have a random burst of energy or a nightmare that won't get to me as badly. Those moments make me feel like I am getting better, like I can try to live again. I know Scott wouldn't want me to be like this and I honestly don't want to either.
But once I start feeling like I used to, before Scott died, the depression slams down on me again and reminds me of why I am this way.
It's a never-ending cycle.
I rub my hands on my face tiredly. I really want a friend with me right now, the depression is weighing heavily on me today and I just can't deal with it alone. I usually can fight it off most days but for some reason, I need someone to help me.
Maybe I am finally getting better, that is always the first step, right? Admitting you need help...
I look over at my phone, tempted to call someone, anyone. Though I doubt they would answer. I haven't been a real good friend these last few months.
I wouldn't blame any of them if they wanted nothing to do with me. I know Scott's death affected them just as much and acting the way I have is not fair to them. Fuck it. I grab the phone and call the one person I know who will answer.
"Hello?" I almost lose it the second I hear his voice.
"C-could you come over? Please?" I ask hesitantly. A few seconds go by before he responds.
"Stiles? Yeah, I can come over. When?" I sigh in relief.
"Half an hour will be fine... Thanks Derek."
As soon as he hangs up, I rush into the bathroom to take a shower. I haven't bathed in a few days and I know I smell awful. My hair is unkempt and my clothes are wrinkled, I look like a homeless man to be honest.
There is also the fact that I have lost weight, not too much, but enough to cause some worry.
Once I am out of the shower, I find some clean clothes, which I am surprised. I haven't cleaned the house in at least two weeks and my room is the worst part of it all. There are dirty clothes everywhere, the room smells like body odor, the bed isn't made, it's like a tornado swept through it.
So, once I am all fresh and clean, I pick up all the dirty clothes and put them away, I make the bed as quickly as possible and spray the entire house with Febreze, hoping to mask the scent.
Just as soon as I sit down to take a breather, the doorbell rings. I sigh heavily as I enter the living room. I open the door hesitantly to see Derek standing in front of me. I haven't seen, or contacted, him in months and looking at him now hurts because I know I abandoned him.
I abandoned everyone.
"Come in..." I murmur, opening the door farther. He walks inside and looks around for a bit. I stand there nervously as he goes to sit on the couch. I sit down right beside him. A few minutes of silence goes by as we just sit there in each other's presence. I look over at him and see sadness in his eyes.
That is when I break down.
"D-Derek!" I sob uncontrollably. He wraps his arms around me and lets me cry. "I miss him so much." I whisper, burying my face into his neck.
He pulls away from me slightly to look me in the eyes. "Stiles. We are all worried about you. Did you know the second I hung up the phone everyone was in my face begging to know if you were alright? They miss you."
I look away in shame. "I am so sorry. I was just so wrapped up in my own grief that I shut everyone out." I look at him again. "I honestly didn't mean to avoid you, any of you."
Derek sighs, rubbing my shoulders comfortingly as I let it all out. I tell him about it all, everything that I have been feeling these last four months. The depression, the nightmares, the weight loss. The anger, the sadness and the pain. I tell him how all this time I believed Scott's death was my fault. I just keep on talking till my voice is sore and my eyes are dry of tears.
Slumping against him, I feel lighter, like so much weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
"Scott's death was not your fault Stiles. Please believe me when I say that." Derek whispers. Pain etched on his face. I feel like crying again.
"I know, it has just been so hard. If feels like everything is out to get me, to make me believe it."
I look up at Derek's face, his eyes are dark with emotion. "You shouldn't believe it. No else does, not even Allison."
I take sharp intake of breath. "A-Allison doesn't blame me?" I ask timidly.
Derek rolls his eyes affectionately. "No! She doesn't blame you at all Stiles. In fact, she even wants to name one the twins after you, that is if either of them are boys."
My eyes widen. Oh God no. "Y-you can't be serious! She wants to give one of her kids MY name?"
"Don't worry, she won't use your first name. She doesn't want the poor boy made fun for the rest his life." He snarks.
I gasp mockingly. "How dare you! My name isn't that bad!"
"Yes, it is Stiles. Your own dad can't even pronounce the damned thing." I snort amusingly, not even realizing it. Once I notice that Derek's eyes widened, I freeze.
I laughed... I haven't laughed in months! Derek places his hand on my cheek, making me look him in the eyes. "I've missed your laugh." He whispers. I gasp, my heart is racing a million miles a minute. He inhales a deep breath. "I've missed you, Stiles. We all have."
I close my eyes.
God why does this have to happen now?! I thought it was just a crush... Fuck, I have always thought Derek was attractive but what with losing Scott I just felt like I didn't deserve it. I don't deserve it. Love is not something someone like me should have. Yet, those feelings I buried in my heart long ago are resurfacing.
What the fuck do I do?
Hesitantly, I lay my forehead against his. He sighs, closing his eyes as if he is savoring this moment.
"I really am sorry Stiles; I know how much he meant to you. You should have told someone instead of suffering with all of this..." He whispers, his minty breath fanning my face.
"D-Derek..." I whisper as he leans in, wanting him to kiss me so much.
"Yes?"
"I wish I had told somebody too. More specifically, I wish I had told you. Thinking of you, which I admit happened a lot - but I also thought of everyone else as well..." Fuck, I am babbling. Get a hold of yourself Stiles! Derek just smiles lightly, seeming amused. "It's just, you mean so much to me. Everyone does. I didn't want to let you guys down again."
His lips brush over mine hesitantly, my heart races in my chest.
"You didn't let anyone down Stiles. Do you want me to group dial everyone just to confirm it? Because I will." He whispers, his breath washes over my face.
"N-no..." I whimper, suddenly forgetting what we were talking about. Well, okay, I didn't really forget, I just want to postpone the rest of the talk. I have a real huge need to kiss Derek senseless right now.
Oh, fuck this!
I slam my lips into his. Derek responds instantly, wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing me furiously. I moan rather loudly when his hands travel down to my ass. Shocks of pleasure course through my veins making my skin hot and my blood boil. Where ever his hands touch my skin tingles.
As he forces his tongue in my mouth, the kiss becomes even more heated. I rub my hands through his hair feverishly as he pulls me toward my room. I moan when he starts sucking my neck.
"Oh god..." I whisper breathlessly as he finds that magic spot that makes me melt. My back arches, causing our cocks to rub against each other and even with our jeans in the way I can't help but moan. Derek starts grinding on me. Fuck, is it possible to get even harder? I shift my hips hoping to find some relief from the tight and itchy material. "Derek!" I whine.
He pulls back and looks me in the eye. "Stiles, there's something I must tell you before we even think of continuing with this."
"Okay..." I say hesitantly.
"Well, there's no easier way of telling you this, so I'm just going to come out with it..." He takes a deep breath. "You're my mate." He whispers.
"R-really?" I ask.
"Yeah. I should have told you a long time ago but I was just so set on believing that I didn't deserve you. That I didn't deserve to be happy. But Stiles... Going without you in my life these last few months so awful. I shut people out, that is what I am good at but dammit you can't make the same mistakes. You have people who love you and will support you when things get tough and I am one of them. No one blames you for Scott's death!" He blurbs all this out in one breath.
Sadness envelopes my heart at the thought of Scott.
No! He is right. I need to quit putting myself down. I can't let the depression win, it's not like me. I used to never give up so easily, I need to be that Stiles again. I know things won't ever be okay, not without Scott, but I can try I to be better.
I can't just let myself waste away.
"You are right Derek. God..." A tear slides down my cheek. "I have been so foolish." I whisper.
"You weren't foolish, love." My heart skips at the nickname. "You were mourning."
I then slam my lips into his again, kissing him with even more passion than before. At first, he doesn't respond, surprised most likely. I place my hand on his cock and start rubbing him, hoping to get a response and thankfully I do get one.
He moans loudly and finally starts to kiss me back. I pull him along with me, towards my bedroom. Once we are there we sit down on the bed and hurriedly take each other's clothes off.
*Fades to Black*
I yawn, wrapping my arms around his neck and burying my face in his chest.
"I love you Der..."
"I love you too Stiles."
I lay my head on his shoulder as he holds me in his arms. "I really am sorry. About everything. I promise, I will do whatever it takes to fight this. I want to be there for you all again."
"And you will Stiles." He kisses my forehead. "We will be there for you too. Just like we should have been all this time."
With that I finally let sleep over take me.
I am not an idiot. I know things won't automatically get better overnight. It might not ever get better again, but as long as I remember I am not alone in this I will be fine. I have my dad, my pack, and most importantly...
I have Derek.
The End~
