A/N: Ch. 2! I hope you'll read this Kareena. Quick fact: I listened to Superchick's Crawl while writing half of this. This chapter was to show how much pain Matt was in and how emotions really have a mind of their own. Chapter's a bit disconnected because of it. I wrote it in a stream of consciousness style with some structure for clarification.
"Oh he said it's crazy
How love stays with me, yeah
You know it hurts me
Cause I don't wanna fight this war
It's amazing
To see me reading through this scene of love and fear
And apologies."
Grace Potter and the Nocturnals- Apologies
Chapter 2: Carry Me Through
My mind wandered somewhere far distant from my body. Pain, I'm in pain. I believe so anyway. It's difficult to tell because the pain itself is sharp and the force that's gripping me from all sorts of directions will not ease. Won't this pain please stop? The worse part is that my chest insanely aches. My senses have dulled and suddenly the world appears beaten and thin. I hate the powerlessness. Where do I go now? What am I going to do? Betty, what did you do?
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do…with you. Things were so easy. You lit up my world with that contagious, shiny smile of yours. Life was better than it had been in a long time. I remember the first time you spoke to me. It sounds dorky, but I had been watching you for weeks before I gathered enough courage to approach you that day when Mastenarde recounted her Darfur days. You were really moved. Tears made their way down your cheeks as you quickly wiped them away, while you talked to your friend about how you preferred a Genocide week over Fashion Week. I was supposed to be paying attention to the speaker. However, I could not because I became too enamored with your charm and wit to care. You were so cute. I thought I finally found someone I could trust, who knew me, who I connected with as we started dating and getting to know each other. I remember thinking I didn't want to let you go and I continued to hold you in my arms for as long as I could. Now, I felt like I was pulled in a million different directions where what lied ahead consisted of many arrows set in their quest. Each varied and asked me of something. I honestly don't know what to do. A kiss always means something. I saw you.
I could forget and forgive you, although it's unbearable to do so with the way I'm feeling now. The sting of betrayal is too fresh raw enough that the sightless wounds are still bleeding. I'm running low. Strength levels are depleted. What an emergency.
Black, blacker, going into a deeper gaping center of darkness where it feels weightless and I'm soaring, not from a natural high, but rather a strange plummeting sensation of fatal, crushing proportions directed at the pit of my stomach. Goodbye happiness. It was nice meeting you.
Unshed tears impatiently waiting to overflow only to be met by resistance, I refused to show further weakness. So this is how it feels to be numb and feel too much simultaneously. I can say it's peculiar and unwelcoming. I'm stuck and I don't think I can mentally break free.
Time inches forward and I haven't changed yet. The dawn breaks from the window. Light illuminates the glass, but I don't feel any heat. I'm extremely unhappy and sluggish. I don't want to move. I guess I'll just stay here for a little while. My apartment can be the barrier that feebly fights the world.
I loved you. I still do, yet I can't forget what you've done. Please tell me how do I trust you? I opened myself to you. I wanted us to move in together, and this is how you react. How could you do this to me? I don't understand, and I'm urgently attempting to understand why. The conclusion is constantly the same: unexplained, difficult to grasp, and tainted with anger and hurt.
Betty, can you… can you just tell me why?
