Chapter 2: Rewrite:
Clare had lost count of the amount of times she had fallen out of bed in the past year. A particularly scary nightmare would hit her like a tidal wave and that would be enough to wake up with an alarming start. She pulled the duvet off herself and placed it back onto the bed, taking a moment or two to steady her breathing.
She brought her knees up to her chin and hugged them close. Clare had grown used to this by now. Once there was a time where she would've called out and her mother would've been there in an instance.
The times where she would forget were the worst. For a second, maybe even two, she would expect to hear her mother's footsteps rushing down the hallway. The silence soon reminded her that her mother was gone. Clare knew Howard would want to be there for her; however no one brought her the same comfort that Bernadette had.
No one's hugs would ever feel the same.
No one could dry her tears quite like she could.
No would ever be able to convince her that all was right with the world in the same way she did.
Yes, her mother was gone and if she wasn't there to help her through the nightmares, then Clare felt better off alone. For as long as she could remember, Clare had suffered with crippling night terrors that often left her too terrified to sleep. There were nights where Bernadette would hold her in her arms, stroking her hair until she did manage to fall asleep. When they were at their worst, this would be a nightly ritual and often Bernadette would sleep in Clare's room, just so she wouldn't feel so scared.
A lonesome tear escaped out of the corner of her eye, she brought her hand up and promptly wiped it away. However, a second soon made an appearance, which was promptly followed by a third. She couldn't deny them and if she was being truthful, she didn't really want to. They were for her mother and if her mother wasn't worthy of her tears, then who was?
There was only one person who was able to comfort her in the weeks following her mother's death. She remembered at the funeral she had met a woman from Texas called Mary. She had never met her before however Mary seemed to know her.
There had been one person who had brought comfort to Clare in the weeks following her mother's death. It had been the day of the funeral and Clare had locked herself away in the ladies restroom at the memorial service that had followed the burial. A tissue was passed thorough a gap in the bottom of the door, accompanied by a comforting Texan accent that said: "I'm so sorry for your loss darlin'. You've never met me before, but my name's Mary and I know that your mother was one special lady. I'd really like to get to know you a little, so how's about you come out here and let me see your pretty face?"
Clare had always been wary of strangers, maybe a little awkward; however there had been something about this woman that had drawn her out of the stall and straight into her warm embrace. Clare couldn't really explain the instant connection she had felt to this woman, but there was something about her that seemed warm, maternal even.
Mary hadn't tried to persuade Clare to come back out and be with the other mourners, as she would've expected her to, instead she held her hand for as long as Clare needed her too; and boy, did she need it. It was clear that Mary held strong religious beliefs. Clare had never been a firm believer in type of religion herself, of course, her and her father would loosely stay true to their Jewish heritage, but for the most part, Clare was more scientifically minded. Despite this, she hung on Mary's every word, drawing comfort in the fact that Bernadette was with the angels now and they would one day be reunited in heaven. After their chat was over, Clare had witnessed Leonard and Penny talk to Mary later on in the day. Howard hadn't approached her at all however. When Clare had asked him about it, he had shrugged and said that she must have been an old friend of Bernadette's.
Clare never did see her again.
A light knock on the door broke her train of thoughts.
She wiped away the tears that stained her cheeks and offered them a small smile. "Sorry Dad, it was just another nightmare." She sniffed and gestured for him to sit down next to her.
Howard placed an arm around her shoulder and pulled him into her. If he was being honest with himself, he didn't know what to say. Bernadette had always dealt with the emotional side of things, whereas, he had always been more focused on being the fun parent and now he was at a loss. A small stuffed animal caught his attention and he bent down to pick it up. "Hey, do you remember this, baby?"
She turned her head to look at the cuddly koala she had had since the age of five. Despite her low mood, she couldn't help but smile. "Jazz!"
Howard raised an eyebrow, looking at the toy in amusement. "Yeah, what was with that? Most kids would've gone with fluffy or something cute like that."
"I named him Jazz, because he was just so jazzy."
"And you couldn't have just gone with an ordinary teddy?"
"It's a bear of sorts, just not a teddy."
Howard could remember the day she had got it clearly. Bernadette had seen a commercial on the television advertising a new doll on the market. This doll had been described as every little girl's dream; she came with her own doll's house and ten different outfits, each with matching accessories. Bernadette set her heart on buying that perfect doll, imagining that Clare would have hours of fun with it. It wasn't until they got to the mall that they realised that Clare was much more interested in the koala, which was being sold in the shop opposite to where the doll was. The loving parents had honoured their girl's wish; however, Howard could tell that Bernadette had been a little bit disappointed.
"You wanna stay here today?" He asked. "If you can't face school, you can stay home with me. I'll make you pancakes and we can watch funny Youtube videos all day. You know, the ones with monkeys riding skateboards?"
For the first time that day, she took a proper look at him. Since her mother's death, it wasn't uncommon for Howard to spend all day in a darkened room, unshaven and in his robe. Today was different though, his hair was combed and the stubble he usually had was nowhere insight. She could tell his clothes had been freshly ironed too. On closer inspection, she noticed that he had brought his vesper helmet into the room and had been clutching the keys. "Were you going somewhere today?" She asked.
"Back to the university, I figured it was about time and I don't know how much longer they can keep my job open for me, but if you need me here, then I will just call them and..." His sentence was cut short.
Clare shook her head. "No, this is good, this is really good."
"You sure?"
"Of course I am. It's great that you feel ready to return. You go to work and I'll be brave and go to school, deal?"
He squeezed her hand. "Okay deal, we'll make each other proud."
"Just like we always do." She replied, letting him help her to her feet. "So, are you going to be building rockets today?"
"Uh no, not quite."
"Do you think you'll ever go into space again?" She continued to hold his hand as they made their way out into the corridor, letting go when she reached the bathroom door. "I heard that NASA is planning a load of new missions, maybe they'll ask you to go?"
"I don't have any plans. I think I have enough responsibilities down here on earth."
Clare looked thoughtful for a moment. "Maybe, it's for the best." She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him, taking him by surprise. "After all, space is dangerous, what if you get kidnapped by aliens? I wouldn't want you to be cut open and experimented on."
"I think I'll take a pass on that too." He smiled. "Hey, could you crouch down a little? Getting a little cramped down here."
She lowered herself so that her head was resting on his shoulder. "I don't want you to leave me, ever."
He pulled away from the hug, so he could get a proper look at her. "You don't have to worry about me."
"Promise you'll look after yourself? Because you know, with the long family of heart disease, you can never be too careful."
"Right, I shall bear that in mind at lunchtime."
"Don't get fat and die on the toilet like grandma did."
Howard cringed, remembering the embarrassing way he lost his mother. "Believe me; I do not want that anymore than you do." He quickly changed the subject. "Right, you get ready for school and I'll go make you breakfast. Be quick, or your tea will go cold." Before she could say anymore, he made a swift exit down the stairs.
Clare crinkled her nose. Her father made the worst cup of teas. There was always too much milk and not enough sugar - In fact, neither one of them were any good at preparing any sort of food or drink that wasn't microwavable or out of a packet. Bernadette or her grandmother always used to prepare the family meal and now that it was just Clare and Howard, they would more often than not be found at Leonard and Penny's eating takeaway. On they days where they didn't order out, they would experiment with bizarre recipes made using random ingredients found in the cupboard – some would be a success and others a disaster.
After a quick wash, she stood in front of the bathroom mirror and sighed. She hated being so tall, especially when the rest of her family were so much shorted than what she was. Moving away from the mirror, she quickly got dressed. She had always considered herself quick and efficient and now was no exception.
Upon reaching the kitchen, Clare was surprised to see that Howard was still in the house, waiting for her. "Shouldn't you be getting to work?" For a moment she worried that he was going to back out. "C'mon, Dad. You can do this!"
He twirled his Vesper keys around his finger. "Can't a guy take his kid to school?"
"You mean on that?" She gestured to the Vesper through the kitchen window.
"You see any other way?"
She chewed her bottom lip, a look of doubt across her face."You're not allowed to take me on it."
"It was your ma that wouldn't let ya. I'm cool with it if you are."
She was unconvinced. Clare was never one to break the rules, even if the one that put them in place was no longer there to enforce them.
"It's either that or walk." Howard added.
Reluctantly, she nodded. "Ok does this count as an amendment to the unwritten rules?"
"Yes, yes it does."
"So if anyone asks, we had a verbal agreement."
He sighed, rolled his eyes, but even so, he humoured her. "That is exactly what we will tell them. There's no way they would ever question us."
Clare beamed, picked up her school bag and swung it over her shoulder."Then it's a deal." She moved quickly towards the door.
He placed a hand on her shoulder."Aren't you forgetting something?"
She looked confused, gave a defeated shrug. "No?"
"Breakfast?"
She looked over at the kitchen counter and spied a bowl of now soggy fruit loops and a cold cup of tea. "Hmmm yeah, I think I'll hold off until I get to school."
He decided not to argue with her, Bernadette was always the assertive parent. He had taken the more relaxed approach and was now struggling to show his stricter side. Throwing over the spare helmet, he led the way outside.
oOo
Clare slowly approached her transport. She took a moment to inspect the tyres and then circled it. Satisfied, she climbed on and secured her helmet. Howard didn't dwell on the reasons why, if giving the Vesper a mini inspection would make Clare feel safer, he certainly wouldn't question it. The ride to school was a slow one, with Clare on the back, he took no risks. Despite this, Clare still screamed at the top of her lungs, clinging onto her father as if she was about to be flung off at high speed.
Once they had arrived, she climbed off and shot her father a look of disapproval. "You drive like a maniac, we could've been killed!" When she took off her helmet, Howard could see she had gone bright read in the face, beads of sweat dripping off her forehead.
"I was going at like half the speed I usually do. Honestly, baby, you're perfectly safe."
"Do you know how many people are killed on these roads each year?"
He glanced his watch. "Hold that thought, gotta dash, but do tell me tonight."
Leaving her no chance to respond, he sped off down the road, picking up the pace to his average speed. Confident that he was out of her eye's view, he slammed his foot on the pedal and accelerated further, determined to make up for the time lost. Within the blink of an eye he had brought his bike up to an alarming speed, not even slowing down for bends or speed bumps. Arriving at the university he slammed his foot down, bringing him to an abrupt stop, sending him forward. Steadying himself, he pulled off his helmet and tried to get his breath back.
"Thank cow for that!" Said a familiar voice from behind him. "From where I was standing, it looked like you were about to wrap yourself around a lamppost."
Howard turned and came face to face with Raj. "Yeah, well, it was actually pretty awesome."
"Try telling that to the people who have to scoop your smooshed body off the sidewalk."
"Wow, Raj, this really is some welcome party you've got going on here." Howard said. "Honestly, what's a guy gotta do around here to get a decent welcome off his best pal?"
Raj's features softened, his tone becoming less harsh. "I gotta admit it is nice to have you back, Leonard is great and all that, but there are only so many times I can talk about Penny and Leonard Junior." He said. "He still can't get over the fact that Lenny has inherited his looks and Penny's IQ."
Howard nodded. "I guess when he said that their children would be smart and beautiful, never saw it going the other way."
"I try to reassure him. I say hey, he's only two, he can get smarter, but he's just so whiney!"
"Well, I dunno, I think it's pretty obvious how intelligent they are at that age. I mean, by the time Clare was two, she had already solved her first Rubik's Cube."
Raj held the door open for them to enter the building and they headed up the first flight of stairs. "I still can't get over that she beat me at monopoly when she was four!"
"Dude, just let it go."
He shook his head. "How can I? She keeps reminding me!"
"What can I say? That girl of mine has a brilliant memory!"
"Id love to have an eidetic memory, you'd never have to study for anything and you wouldn't have to make shopping lists." As soon as he has said the words, he had regretted them.
"Hey! She doesn't have an eidetic memory, ok? It's just very good."
Raj held up his hands in a show of defeat. "Ok, yes, it's just very good."
Howard nodded and quickly reached the top of the stairs. "Anyway, I gotta get to my office. I'll probably see you at lunch time." He left Raj no chance to reply as he rushed off up the next flight of stairs and into the corridor he needed.
oOo
Howard walked into the office. He breathed a sigh of relief, he was finally here and he hadn't backed out. He took a moment to take in his surroundings. The walls had been given a fresh lick of paint and the person who had been filling in for him had rearranged the furniture. Other than that, it was just as familiar as it always had been.
He reached into his backpack and pulled out a picture of him and Clare. He smiled and placed it down on his desk, before unpacking his laptop.
He was soon interrupted.
"Dear Lord, you still work here? Even after all these years? You'd think that in all this time there'd be some career progression by now."
Howard didn't turn to face them. He didn't have to. "Well, if it isn't Doctor Whackadoodle." He felt his shoulders tense.
"I'm guessing this is hostility?"
"No, I'm thrilled to have you here."
"Sarcasm?"
