Elsewhere and Elsewhen:
Artemus Gordon was a Secret Service agent who knew his mind and knew what he liked. What he liked very much included caneton à l'orange – roast duck with orange sauce – and he was a master at preparing this gourmet dish. He had a craving for it right now in fact. Unfortunately, his best friend and Secret Service partner James West had made it clear that both duck and rabbit were off the menu – permanently – at least on board the Wanderer. Jim wouldn't budge a fraction of an inch on this issue either. No rabbit and no duck dinners. It was worse than annoying – it was ridiculous!
Jim's reason for the ban was ridiculous, anyway . . . .
What else could anyone call the looney story Jim had told him last year about how he'd been rescued from their archenemy Dr. Miguelito Loveless by . . . a giant talking rabbit and giant talking duck?1
Seriously?
Artemus didn't doubt that Jim had suffered a dangerous scrape with their deadly foe, and made a narrow escape. He didn't doubt that Loveless had knocked Jim out first with the aid of a gas weapon – Jim admitted as much. But as to the idea that Jim owed his life to humanoid, sentient rabbits and ducks . . . . Who could possibly believe that?
No, poor Jim must have hallucinated that part – a side effect of the gas, perhaps. Loveless had used chemical concoctions of his own devising to make Jim undergo hallucinations before. He'd even made Jim believe that he – Jim West – had shot Artemus to death!2 Thankfully none of the evil little wizard's plots had come to fruition. But Loveless was responsible for Jim's frustrating food notions now, and Artemus Gordon had to suffer the result.
No more duck dinners?
Not on Jim West's watch . . . .
Arte looked at the calendar in the varnish car glumly. A year to the day exactly. April Fool's Day. Chalk that up to Loveless' perverse sense of humor. In Europe the date was often referred to as Poisson d'Avril or Pesce d'Aprile or something similar – Fish of April. The joke was on ol' Artemus this time. Well, nothing for it, perhaps, but to shove aside his current craving and make an appropriately seasonal seafood dish instead.
Settling on such fishy thoughts and wondering where he could get the best requisite filets from nearby, Artemus didn't hear his partner enter the varnish car until Jim cleared his throat in a meaningful way. He turned around to see Jim scowling and realized what recipe he'd left his personal cookbook open on.
"Arte . . . ."
Artemus raised both his hands in a peace-making gesture even as he shook his head and tried to grin without chagrin.
"You don't have to say it," Artemus explained. "I wasn't going to cook any ducks – or my goose either! I simply thought I might make, uh, fish with orange sauce. Unless, of course, you're objecting to our eating fish now too?"
Jim's scowl was replaced with a wry look and a raised eyebrow.
"You still don't believe me, do you?"
"Jim, I believe that you believe," Arte sighed. "And that's all I'm going to say on the subject."
"I suppose you don't believe that Loveless shrank me to the size of a doll or pulled people in and out of paintings either then?"3
Touché. Arte couldn't deny he'd witnessed those events with his own eyes – even experienced them firsthand in the case of the paintings. He still pinched himself when recalling those incredible events. But that didn't change the fact that he and the Wanderer's engineers had been stuck in the same mysterious forest as Jim a year ago and they hadn't seen any outsized, anthropomorphic animals of the sort Jim described. It was far more likely that Loveless' gas had come with a bit of extra hallucinogen added. Attempting to change the subject, Artemus was about to ask what type of fish Jim preferred tonight when a certain set of 'books' in the varnish car began clacking. Both men rushed over to listen to the hidden telegraph's communication from Washington.
"Count Manzeppi . . . ." Jim frowned as Artemus scribbled down the message in full and tapped out a response. Both agents understood the encryption code and the news wasn't good. Suddenly, dinner itself was off the menu, replaced by a different urgent need.
"Kidnapping?" Arte asked, puzzled, after the telegraph session ended. "Not exactly Manzeppi's style, is it? I thought the Eccentrics specialized more in contract assassinations of the high and mighty, not hostage deals. And what on Earth would they want with a dentist?"
"Maybe they'd like to improve their smiles?" Jim quipped, but no trace of humor reached his eyes. "Whatever the reason, I don't think we'll like the answer."
The agents exchanged wary nods before departing the varnish car to suit up for what would no doubt be a perilous mission. Count Manzeppi was as formidable a foe as Dr. Loveless – and more, if one counted the band of 'Eccentric' killers backing him up from time to time – those that survived. This was going to be one April Fool's Day on which James West and Artemus Gordon couldn't afford to be foolish . . . .
1 The Night of Being Vewwy, Vewwy Qwiet (an earlier fanfic by yours truly)
2 The Night of the Murderous Spring
3 The Night of the Raven and The Night of the Surreal McCoy
