Chapter 2-

That Click in Your Head

When it All Makes Sense

Buffy walked to the restaurant, having gone home and showered first, pulling her jacket around her against the cool December afternoon and mulling over her unexpected reaction to Giles. Ok, what the heck was that?

Sudden awareness of Giles and longing to be around him had never hit her like that before. Sure, she loved to spend time with him and to hear him laugh and to talk with him about anything really. It would have shocked her teen self to no end that she would ever enjoy hearing Giles talk at length about academic oddities. A smile twitched at her lips as she thought of his enthusiasm for the strange and unusual, especially if he got to look it up. His almost gleeful excitement at the idea of research was one of the few times he ever got truly animated.

Isn't that what love is? Enjoying spending time with another person and being around them and seeing them happy?

Buffy stopped dead in her tracks at the thought as it occurred to her. Well, of course I love him. Like I love Willow and Xander and Oz. He's my Watcher and one of my best friends. She bit her lip in concentration. And this attraction? You never think about Xander or Oz pressed up against you.As she examined the idea there was a bit of the old teenager ew about it, about the notion of a man so much older than she was who still had such a tendency toward geekery. But the more Buffy thought about it, the more she realized it was a cursory disgust. Like an old habit that no longer held any real meaning. Once properly examined, it disintegrated like a cobweb. Which left... what?

She reached the restaurant and sat down heavily on a nearby bench, thinking hard.

Ok, how do I feel about him? Really.

As she concentrated, a thousand memories and images of Giles played out before her mind's eye. His grin that crinkled the corners of his eyes and felt like a secret just between the two of them. His full-throated laugh, always sounding as though it were startled out of him, so rarely heard and cherished each time. Giles concentrating over one of his texts, brow furrowed in concentration. Moments of exasperation with eyes cast upward and that twist of his mouth that meant biting sarcasm was a breath away. Music filling the apartment as he played for them so many times, his initial shy refusals always giving way to a happy smile that said he was pleased to be asked. His gentle touch dabbing away the blood on her face after the Cruciamentum. Sparring with her. Moving gracefully with his sword whether in practice or battle, almost dancing, the blade an extension of his arm. The mayor with a blade in his chest and Giles stepping back with a defiant snarl. Giles looking so lost as he'd told them that he wasn't a Watcher anymore and the disbelieving joy on his face as she'd fiercely disputed the notion that he was just anything. Giles sobbing out his grief in her arms as the warehouse burned behind them, her own tears soaking into his shoulder and a bruise forming on his jaw from her punch.

She heard her own words as though spoken into her ear.

"You can't leave me. I can't do this alone."

Sudden solid understanding washed over Buffy, a quiet certainty that almost frightened her in its intensity. At the time she had said it, so desperately terrified of what Angel had become and the direction that her life was going, it had been a cry for comfort, for the stability she knew Giles provided. Now, however, there was so much more. Not just that I can't do this alone. I can't do this without him.

If she lost any of her friends it would be heartbreaking but Buffy knew that she could go on without Willow or Xander or Oz. It was painful but she could picture her life without them. But Giles... She tried to imagine her life without his gentle, quiet presence, without the smell of tea and leather and books, and the sound of sardonic comments punctuating her life. Even trying made her breath catch painfully in her throat. Her Watcher had crept into her heart and now that she thought about it, she realized she had loved him for a very long time. Loved him as a friend, yes, but more. As someone that she couldn't do without. Someone that made her life complete in a way that it could never be without him.

Someone that she now found herself desperately hoping might want more.

Oh, my God. I do love him. I love Rupert Giles. A sudden giddy laugh burst from her at the simplicity of it.

"Hey, Buff. What's so funny?" She startled violently at the sound of Willow's voice and looked up to meet her friend's eyes as they crossed the sidewalk to her bench.

Buffy blinked up at the three of them. She smiled. "Nothing. Hi, guys."

"Did Giles come along?" Oz asked.

"No. I offered, but he said he had some things to take care of."

"That's too bad," Xander said. "I never though I'd say this, but I think I like hanging out with him. He's changed a lot. Like he's not just patrols and duty and 'I am stuffy British librarian man'." His voice took on a pompous, stentorian tone and the others giggled. Xander brought his voice back to normal and continued, "Though he still has that sometimes. Guess that much tweed gets into the blood after awhile."

Buffy laughed, a warm sense of happiness filling her as she walked with them to place their orders. She knew it wasn't just the company and banter of her friends. The thought of her Watcher suffused her and she wondered how she had ever made it without the simple knowledge of her love for him filling her. I need to talk to them about this. Even if they don't understand really, I need to talk about it. I need to see if it still makes sense if I say it out loud.

As they moved to a free table in the sunshine, Willow claiming the seat on the circular bench across from Buffy and the boys on either side, Buffy said, "I need to talk to you guys about something."

Willow broke in eagerly. "You know you can talk to me about anything, Buffy."

Xander chimed in, "Ditto that for me, Buff." Oz nodded his agreement.

"I know. But I also need you to promise me that you won't wig or freak out in any way."

This time, the redhead's assent was more guarded. "Um, ok. I promise, but you should know that you're kinda pushing me in that direction right now. What's going on?"

"You know how sometimes you realize there's been something in front of you for a long, long time and you never really noticed it was there before and never realized you wanted it and kinda just took it for granted?"

Xander nodded sagely. "Yeah. I remember when I was little, I thought I hated cheesecake. Then I actually tried some." His eyes glazed over. Buffy raised an eyebrow at him.

"I- guess this is like that." She sighed. "I've realized that I have- er, romantic type feelings about- a guy. You all know him. I think it's always been there but I just noticed it and realized how I really felt about it."

Willow's brow furrowed. "A guy we all know?" She glanced at from Buffy to Xander and Oz and back again. Buffy could almost see the cogs turning in her head and the moment the pieces fell into place. Willow stared at Buffy, her mouth agape and a blush mounting in her cheeks. "You-you mean that you-but he's-I mean, when-?"

"Will, I hope that sentence will be good whenever you finish it," Xander murmured with a smile. Buffy rolled her eyes in fond amusement. Willow turned to Xander, her eyes wide.

"I mean, unless I'm wrong here. Which I could easily be." She looked back toward Buffy. "When did you realize it? What happened- I mean to change things? Cause things are clearly gonna change. Unless you don't do anything about it- It's so weird to think of it-"

"Willow, ease the flow!" Oz exclaimed, "You still haven't actually said who you think it is."

Buffy took pity on her friend and broke in as the redhead drew breath again. I should have just gone with straightforward from the start.

"It's Giles. I- I think I love him."

Oz blinked. "Giles? You love Giles?"

"I said 'I think I love him'. There's a key difference there."

Xander heaved out a breath, eyes wide. "Not a whole lotta one, Buffy. How long?"

"How long have I loved him or how long have I known?"

"Either. Both. Yes."

"I just realized it today. Like right before you came up. It's what I was laughing about. How long have I actually loved him?" She shrugged. "I have no idea. I guess it's one of those grows on you things."

Willow was still staring, mouth working as she tried to get out a coherent syllable. Buffy sighed. "Willow, you promised."

"I'm sorry-it's just... You and Giles?!"

Oz nodded thoughtfully. "I should have seen something like this coming."

Buffy looked at him, her brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

"You've been hanging out with him a heck of a lot more than we have. Even more than the whole Watcher-Slayer thing. You guys have always had a- bond that you never had with the rest of us. I guess it makes sense that it would turn into more."

Buffy smiled at him, grateful for his acceptance. Xander asked, "You ok now, Willow?"

She nodded quickly at him. "Yeah, I'm fine. Don't get me wrong, Buffy, I think it's great. Guess it just caught me by surprise."

Oz chewed reflectively on a fry for a moment. "So, I assume you're gonna tell him?"

She nodded. "I'm not sure when, but yeah. Soon as I get my nerve up, I guess." Which should be sometime next year. She poked at her fries, trying to still the trembling in her hands.

Xander chuckled. "You know, Buffy, I've seen you get ready to face countless vampires and demons and assorted other creepies. I've never seen you as nervous as this."

Buffy tried to glare at him but she couldn't keep the smile off her face. "I guess I haven't been. It's one thing to say 'I'm gonna go kill some bad guys'. It's another to try for something I want this much." She paused. "And I do want it. So much." A sudden thought occurred to her. "Oh, God. What if he doesn't feel the same? What if I just scare him? If I get this wrong, I could lose him forever. What if I lose him?" Panic clawed into her throat.

"Hey, no," Oz said soothingly, scooting around on the table to hug Buffy close. "I may not know many things, Buffy, but I know you and I know Giles. Even if he doesn't love you like that-" Buffy stiffened in Oz's embrace and he tightened his grasp. "Even if he doesn't feel all romantically about it, your Watcher does love you. You mean a heck of a lot to him. We all do."

"It couldn't happen," Xander said confidently. "Giles isn't the kind of guy to go 'ew, a girl likes me' and then drop her. I think even if he doesn't like you back in the same way, he'd still stay your friend. I mean, sure, he might go all stuffy and repressed about it, but he wouldn't just leave you over something like that. Besides, what's the lesser of two evils: never finding out if you could have more with him, or taking the chance that he doesn't feel the same way? One way you might be miserable. The other way, I can basically guarantee that you will be."

Buffy chuckled a little, her panic subsiding though not disappearing. "How'd you get so wise?"

Xander puffed up his chest a little. "Well, you know. Natural talent and all that." Oz threw a fry at him which Xander dodged before he sighed and shook his head. "I can't pretend that I'm not squicked by the idea, Buffy. I mean, Giles... Ew." He gave a theatrical shudder and Buffy swatted him on the shoulder with a grin. He winced gamely and laughed. "Ow. Watch that random violence there, Slayer." He looked over at her, his dark eyes kind, as he mirrored Oz and scooted close to Buffy's side to throw an arm around her shoulder in a brotherly embrace. "The fact that I find it kinda ick is not what's important here. What matters is that I want to see you happy, Buff. The two of you belong to each other in a way that the rest of us can't touch. You're clearly crazy about him and I know Giles would never mistreat you. I don't think he even could. So you have the blessings of Xander Harris. For what they're worth."

Buffy giggled and hugged him back. "They're worth a lot to me." She took a deep breath. "Ok. I'll do it. I'm gonna tell him. Not sure when exactly but I'm gonna tell him."

Willow bounced in her seat with excitement. "Yay!"

Xander looked down at her, "Just warn me whenever you guys are gonna get all PG-13 if I'm around, ok? You might get all hot and bothered by him, but Giles is still tweed-man to me."

Buffy swatted him again.