Enjoy.

A black SVU came at her building to pick her up, heading them towards their basement.

Kate was in the back seats the whole ride, picking on her nails and biting anxiously on her lip, trying to not show any flinch of emotion.

Her body was seated on the middle and there were two agents on her both sides, with black suits and poker faces.

Kate was studying quietly Agent Alaska, who was driving the vehicle and who called her on the phone.

She wondered what is this all about and why now.

Her mind was aware that asking herself all of these questions was meaningless, because she was about to understand very soon. But still. She couldn't just pretend like it's no big deal and remain calm.

One year living in complete wonderland and finally she was about to get some answers.

Somehow all of this didn't make her feel any better or relieved. Richard Castle was never coming back and things were never going to be same again.

Nothing goes as planned

Everything will break

People say goodbye

In their own special way.

"Detective, we are here." The female agent announced, making Kate snap out of her dream and look at the surroundings.

When the agents led her out of the car, not for first time they ordered her to put a black blindfold around her eyes, so she couldn't take a peak. Not that she was interested in what it's like in the FBI basement, anyways. Only thing she was determined to know is what happened with her fiancé.

She needed answers.

Finally going what if feels like 20 meters under the city, the elevator's doors opened and the agents gave Kate the permission to remove her blindfold.

First thing that Kate focused on was the familiar figure talking to one of the people there.

"Lanie?" Kate croaked out in surprise, confusion filling up on her face.

"Huh?" She turned away from the guy she was talking with and her eyes widened in surprise. "Kate."

"What – what's going on, why are you here?" The detective stepped away from Agent Alaska, walking towards her friend.

What does Lanie have to do with this?

Everyone in the room focused on her, staring like she is some kind of animal. Even the people who were working on their computers stopped typing on the keyboards to look up at the confused detective.

Beckett could notice how the M.E was gathering her thoughts and taking a few breaths before saying "Kate, whatever happens after what I am about to tell you – I want you to know that I am really sorry." Lanie spoke in shaky breath.

"What are you talking about?" Kate's eyebrows gathered in confusion, feeling her pulse raising up from panic. Everyone around her were still staring. The room filled with tension.

"Why did you bring me here?" Anger started boiling inside her veins.

Her gaze turned sideways to look at the agents, losing any kind of patience. "Stop staring at me and answer my questions!" Her voice raised hoarsely and lungs tightening.

"Listen Kate – no one wanted us to keep this from you, but we were told to not-"

"Just tell me!" She totally lose it.

"Castle is alive."

Silence fell upon the room, the only thing audible was the strong beat of her heart thrumming against her ribs. Even with no blood pressure inside of her legs, she managed to take a step closer to her friend.

"You know," She took a deep breath, swallowing down the pain. "You are the last person I expected to be joking about something like this."

"Kate why would I-"Lanie was cut off by Agent Alaska who was right behind them.

" I know you went through a lot and this may seem a little bit-"

Something between pain and anger crept into her veins, causing her to discard all she'd been through to the agent who thought she knew everything.

"Listen to me, you know bullshit!" She pointed her finger at the woman who was trying hard to keep on straight face. "Nobody knows a damn thing like I do, nobody here had experienced things like I did. I saw his body motionless laying on the ground. He is dead. And -"

Her jaw clenched, fisting her hands tight.

"Do you know what is like to have hope for so long and wish all of this was just a nightmare and then some FBI agents, to come to you and tell you they have something? But actually they have some leads that are not even enough for re-opening the case. It's sad how you ridicule my feelings to people who I've lost."

Her voice croaked at the end, making her pause for a moment and start again before anyone could stop her. She needed to express all the anger she kept from the people.

"So instead of poking inside of my fresh wounds by saying things like 'Castle is alive', you should find a solid lead and then gather some courage to call me." She turned her head slightly to glare at Lanie and then headed for the elevator on her shaky legs.

"I want to go home, now." Kate mumbled and the agents led, her out.

When the elevator doors closed Lanie walked towards the agent.

"I am really sorry-"

"It's okay." She smiled kindly. "It's understandable, she had been through a lot."

"Kate doesn't seem to believe us." Lanie sighed, shrugging her arms.

"She just needs some time."

"Yeah. I'll go and check on Mr. Castle's family and try to contact him."

It didn't went good.

x-x-x-x

Throwing herself on the bed, she buried her face in the pillows silencing her sobs. Not that someone could hear her, but for some reason she was silencing them for herself.

Kate felt trapped under miles of rock, no light seeping through, and the rescue workers weren't coming to save her. It's a feeling mixed with loss, fear and deflated dreams.

She was scared to believe.

Many people push their feelings aside and bury themselves in distractions to keep from crying. And one of those people was Kate Beckett, but not anymore. She sobbed and clenched her hands into tight fists, gripping the pillows wishing she could rip them off.

She couldn't go back and remember when, was the last time she was happy.

It felt like she was treading through mud with a ball and chain tied to her leg. The mud is the lack of motivation, and the ball and chain is the feeling of hopelessness. They both drag her down but she was still pushing through.

Her body and mind had no energy, no interests in anything. She lost her interests in helping herself.

It was like a choking mist of darkness that she had to venture through, that she woke up to, and that she fell asleep to.

Kate heard some kind of pounding noise in the background, but that didn't stopped her from crying. She figured out it was someone of the neighbors.

She slowed down her sobs, anyway, because her head was pulsing painfully against her skull.

But then again the same noise came out from the living room. Oh. The door. Right.

Can I cry peacefully for a second?

She wiped away the tears and ruined mascara of her face and went to the door to deal with whoever was knocking.

The fists were continuing to pound against the wooden door, but before opening it she removed the safety of her Glock and pushed it in the waistband of her jeans, hiding it under the shirt.

She had to be prepared.

Pushing the door knob down, she swing the door wide open, looking at the man in the doorway.

Her whole body went slack, her jaw clenched and her fists grasped the doorknob.

The man was looking her the same way Rick Castle did one year ago. He was with the same body frame like his, but this one was little thinner. His eyes ocean blue.

She had to be strong for this one.

"Kate?" He spoke, emotion filling up his face. Wow and his voice was the same.

"Come in." She faked a smile and stepped aside to make room for him.

He seemed to be confused by her reaction, because for God's sakes he was gone for a whole year and she was, so calm? Like he was gone for one week on a book tour.

Anyways he stepped inside through the threshold, taking a look around her old loft.

He was studying her surroundings just like Richard Castle did. Damn he was handling his role pretty good. Whoever that guy was she was about to take him down.

When he was about to turn around to face her, already opening his mouth to ask a question she pelted him in the face with her elbow, making him spin around and lose balance. Oomph.

"Kate, what are you doing?" He held up his hands around his head to protect himself from her, blood running out from his nose.

Looking at the exact copy of Richard Castle getting hurt didn't made her stop even for a second.

She grabbed him by the shoulders and hit him with a knee in the ribs, making him stumble backwards crying out in pain.

Before he can even figure out her next move, she was already pointing her gun at him.

"Who are you working for?" She spoke through gritted teeth, watching him squirm in pain.

"Kate, please-"

"Speak." She raised her tone, shaking the gun at him, which made him shut his eyes closed.

"Okay – wait, please – Kate. Please don't shoot!" His hands were shaking. "Let me explain, I know it's hard for you to believe right –"

"Did Nieman did the surgery for you? Huh?" Kate stepped closer to him. "Where's the real Richard Castle?"

"I am the real Richard Castle!" He cried out, catching on his breath, coughing.

"Bullshit!" Tears gathered in her eyes. She was near the point of break down, she knew it. And it was not going to be pretty.

"Please put the gun down – I swear it's me, Kate. I swear – I can prove it to you in any way you want, just please calm down."

"Why, so you can attack me when I put it down?"

"Hell no! Kate why would I do that?"

"Because you are the psychopath, who is pretending to be my dead fiancé!" She shouted at him, holding herself back from pushing the gun trigger.

His chest was raising up and down rapidly, trying to think of way to convince her that he is not psychopath and it's the real him.

"Ask me." She heard him say and her eyebrows gathered in confusion.

"What?"

"Whatever you want." He challenged her and her arms eased a little bit, making him calm down. But her gun was still pointed at him.

"Okay, fine." She simply said and then "But if you think about some of the questions for at least three seconds I'll sprinkle your skull."

Her statement made him panic, but was the real Richard Castle and he knew everything about himself, so he could do this. He had to prove her.

"Challenge accepted."

"Which is the first alias your father used for CIA?"

"Jackson Hunt."

"Second?"

"Anderson Cross."

"First inspiration to write your first novel?"

"One Life to Live."

"Safe word?"

"Apples." He smirked at her, but she wasn't showing any kind of amusement, so he went back to serious face.

"When was Heat Wave released?"

"On September 24, 2009." He quickly said, but then grimaced and formed 'o' with his mouth. "No, wait – don't shoot. September 29."

"My birthday?"

"November 17, 1979" Before she could move on another question he interrupted. "You were raised in Manhattan. I figured out that by myself on the first case we worked together. Back then you were with short hair and you hated my guts."

He expected her to soften a little bit or say something, but she kept on asking questions.

"My aunt's name?"

"Theresa, she loves my books." Smirked formed on his bloody by the nearly-broken nose, lips.

"My cousin?"

"Sofia, she once tried my smorelette and said it was awesome."

She stood there for a while, biting on her bottom lip.

"I don't know what else to ask."

"You still don't believe me?"

"I don't know." She growled her hands getting tired of holding the gun, so she managed to lower it a little bit. Still not ready to pull it away.

"I think you just don't want to believe." He mumbled huskily. "Am I right?"

"You are damn right I don't want to believe. You know why?" Emotion clanged into her expression. "Because I couldn't dare look at photo of you, I couldn't go to your grave, I couldn't be next to your mother or daughter, because I was too hurt to do anything that reminded me of you. And now here you are in front of me. You could've at least called and let me know you are still out there alive. I blamed myself for betraying you, I was on the edge of jumping out from a cliff. Why would you do that to me?"

She was not going to cry.

Don't you dare Kate.

He saw how hurt she was and how much she had changed. And it was his fault. All of it.

"Listen –"

"I don't want to listen. I have listened enough. I am – I…" Her voice broken, her gun at her side no more pointing at him. "I can't even look at you right now." She whispered and he stepped closer.

"Kate I would have called and you know it. But the only people I was allowed to talk with were my mother and daughter. It was too risky."

A cloud of thunders came upon her face, watching him furiously.

"Martha and Alexis knew?" He barely heard her say it, watching her start to pace around the room, running a hand through her short hair. He shouldn't have said that one.

"Everybody were aware that you are alive and nobody managed to share it with me?" Her spine tensed and she laughed. She laughed.

"Get out."

"Kate-"

"Get out!" she screamed at him, throwing everything she could reach at him.

"I am not getting out till you let me explain." He looked at her with wide eyes.

She was silent for period of time and he took last three steps, so he could stand right in front of her. She was shaking and tears were streaming down her cheeks. Damn it. Her emotions couldn't hold back anymore.

She was avoiding his gaze, staring in the middle of his chest. Then she felt him lift his hand up to touch her elbow, but she pushed him by the chest away from her, making him stumble backwards.

"Don't touch me!" She hissed.

Hint of pain colored his soft face, looking like a little boy rejected by Santa Claus.

Then it hit him.

Kate needed time and he must earn her trust back again.

"I am sorry, I am not going to touch you." He spoke hoarsely. "I am – ugh I am going to go now, but I'll be back." He wiped away the blood that was still running down from his nose and turned around to exit her apartment.

'I'll be back' echoed inside of her head.

Alcohol.

She needed some alcohol.

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