A/N: It has been quite, quite a while- I'm so sorry- but I'm hoping that I will be more regular with my updates, hopefully!
The Princess Diaries doesn't belong to me
"It's not as if I'm the jealous type," Clarisse began cautiously, considering her words as she spoke them- it wasn't as if she had to consider what she was saying to Joseph, she trusted him completely and whole heartedly, but there were moments and memories that she didn't want to revisit, not even with Joseph.
"I never have been, not even when I was a little girl or a teenager- I knew that I was betrothed to the Crown Prince when I was fourteen and there was no point looking at another boy or even envying their boyfriends. I envied their ease with them, their jealousy when they thought they were cheating on them, their arguments… I wondered if I would ever get to experience that with Rupert, but when we were married, I was eighteen and he was twenty nine, a grown man who had already had life experiences that hadn't included me."
"Did your friends ever envy your betrothal to Rupert?"
"Well, yes they did and it didn't make my life any easier, and I was half relieved, half sad when I went to finishing school and lost touch with most of them. Some of them, however, married members of parliament or their sons, so a few of them are still in my life… but I can't say that we ever went back to being true friends again."
"That sounds awful."
"It is, but that was what happened," Clarisse said matter of factly. "Anyway, jealousy, while being married to Rupert, was a useless emotion, considering the number of indiscretions I had brought to my attention," she paused for a moment, recalling the crushing humiliation she felt when she read the papers or, even worse, so called 'friends' bringing the news to her.
Joseph reached over and took her hand, squeezing it sympathetically- he had always been aware of the constant humiliation the King subjected his Queen (in fact, it appalled him so much that, in the beginning, he had been warned quite a few times, 'not to interfere- you are a bodyguard, nothing else') but it still hurt him to see her bravely keep her composure and pretend nothing had happened. His sympathy towards her situation grew over the years as he got to know his boss better and developed deep feelings for her- and it took more and more restraint to not actually confront the King.
"Yet," Clarisse continued. "As a wife, I did feel a sense of failure that I couldn't seem to keep my own husband… interested," she stopped abruptly, blushing deeply before taking a deep breath in to continue. "I very much hoped that our sons never discovered the truth about their father… but they probably did, they were smart children."
Joseph stayed silent, not wishing to confirm her suspicions (although he suspected they were more than suspicions, rather knowledge) but knowing that the young princes had been well aware of their father's indiscretions, ever since their teens in fact, and the result had been that while they were still polite to their father, they banded together to become very protective of their mother. To them, while the monarchy and the continuing reign of the Renaldi family was of paramount importance, the happiness of their mother was almost, if not just as important.
When Phillipe had discovered that Joseph knew what was going on and was also keeping a keen eye on their situation (how he found out, Joseph would never know, although he had suspicions), he made a personal plea to him NOT to let his mother know that they knew.
"Please don't let her know that P and I know about Papa… she is always keen for us to think of our father as a good man, an intelligent man and a good King, and I know it would break her heart for her to know that we know Papa is not as wonderful as she makes him out to be."
"She wants you to appreciate your father and appreciate all that he does for you and the country."
"Yes, he may be a good king, but as a husband…" Phillipe snorted. "I don't know how she puts up with him."
"For you, your brother and the country," Joseph said with a touch of admonition in his voice. "She loves you two and she loves her country- she would never allow any disgrace to come to the monarchy and the country,"
"Even for the sake of her own happiness?"
"Even then," Joseph said simply and Phillipe looked at him for a long moment before nodding.
"Yes, that was something that she would say… and while I don't necessarily agree with the sentiment, it makes sense… in a way."
"Spoken like your father and mother's son," Joseph said approvingly.
"Penny for your thoughts?" came Clarisse's teasing voice and Joseph started, realising that he had drifted off and hadn't been listening to what she had been saying.
"I'm sorry, I was just thinking."
"About what? It must have been much more interesting that what I was saying," Clarisse teased and Joseph looked at her apologetically before realising that her eyes were sparkling with mischief.
"Not really… anyway, back to what you were saying….?" He turned the conversation back to her and she looked at him thoughtfully for a long moment before refocusing back on what they were talking about.
"It wasn't much point being jealous of Rupert's indiscretions, whether he was being discreet or not- it would have driven me crazy and it wouldn't have helped the country or our children either."
"Didn't you… care, though?"
"Care? Of course I cared!" Clarisse looked at him in astonishment. "He was making a fool of himself, myself, the Crown and I had to put up with it! I was the one whom everyone either felt sorry for or felt vindicated that the King of Genovia may have married me but he was still his own man, a man who couldn't be contained! It was humiliating, it was devastating and I hated him for it… but still I stayed, because not only did I not have a choice but I CARED- I cared about him, I cared about my children, I cared about my country and the duty I had to the Crown."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring up painful memories… I didn't mean to intimate that you didn't care…" Joseph mumbled, withdrawing his hand from hers, feeling ashamed of himself- why on earth had he asked that question of her? Didn't he already know that she cared, she cared far too much for the country, even putting her own happiness behind all her duties and responsibilities…
"It's alright," Clarisse said quietly. "It wasn't your fault, you weren't to know."
"I shouldn't have asked the question. I'm sorry."
"You know, I had thought I had accepted what had happened to Rupert and me and moved on… but somehow… I hadn't. But you have helped me, listened to me and thank you," she reached out for his hand again. ""Maybe, I was a little jealous of those women," she admitted. "But it's not the same jealousy that I have felt about someone else.
"Someone else? Who?"
There was a long pause before she looked calmly and directly at him.
"You."
"Me? Why?"
"Well, not necessarily you but… all those times you were flirting with all those elegant women visiting the palace…."
"Not necessarily flirting- I was being polite, they were the ones flirting with me," Joseph protested, his cheeks turning red.
"… I know that, but I still felt as though…." Clarisse paused, feeling foolish herself, but she knew what she had felt on that night in particular, and she knew that it was jealousy. Pure, green eyed jealousy, jealousy that made her realise, that night that she was very much in love with Joseph… and that it was hopeless.
"Let me explain….
000
"You look beautiful, my dear," Rupert said to Clarisse pleasantly as they met at the top of the stairs, leading down to the foyer of the palace, leading to the ballroom where the guests of the annual Genovian Independence Day all were waiting. "But then again, you always look beautiful."
"Thank you, Rupert," Clarisse said almost automatically- she had heard the compliment many a time over the years and while she knew, in some way, that he did mean it, the meaning had somehow been lost and diluted over time. "You look handsome," she added, and she was being truthful- the older he got, the more distinguished his looks grew, so he actually looked like a statesman, the leader of a country. Of course, with this stateliness came more attractive women (seemingly getting younger and younger) but Clarisse had long since accepted it and was almost indifferent to it.
"Don't forget that the Ambassador of Brazil and of Portugal are our honoured guests tonight, so you will have to dance with them."
"Yes, of course."
"And don't forget that Lady Jameson is going to ask you to attend a garden party next week…
"Of course.
"And…." Rupert's voice suddenly faded into the distance as she looked down the stairs and saw Joseph standing there, joking around with one of his colleague and looking incredibly handsome in his tuxedo. He always looked handsome in tuxedos, as well as the black suits, shirts and jackets that he always wore when he was working.
"Why do you always wear black," she couldn't help but ask him one day, many years earlier, when he was first assigned as her bodyguard, although she knew the reason- she just wanted to ask him, to talk to him a little more.
"To blend into the crowd, to ensure that you are kept safe at all times… and to ensure that we don't detract attention from the Queen of Genovia," he added with a smile and she couldn't help but laugh at that.
"Everyone here?" Rupert's voice suddenly broke into her reverie and Clarisse suddenly realised that they were at the bottom of the stairs, walking towards the closed ball room doors and realised that the bodyguards were standing straight to attention, and Joseph's eyes were fixed on her.
"Yes sir," said Rupert's HOS, who was standing the straightest to attention. "The Prime Minister and his wife have just arrived, as have the Von Trokans."
"Excellent, excellent," Rupert said distractedly, before holding out his arm to Clarisse. "Shall we, my dear?"
Clarisse accepted his arm in silence, painfully aware that Joseph was still watching her and almost as painfully aware that she liked his attention.
0
The ball was nearing its conclusion and Clarisse was glad- these occasions usually dragged on for longer than usual and, as the years wore on, Clarisse was happier if the balls ended earlier and she could retire. Unfortunately, the balls only ended when the King and Queen left and, most of the time, Rupert preferred to stay until after midnight.
Tonight was no different- after dancing with many of the parliamentarians wives (a task he found more pleasurable than Clarisse with their husbands), he was huddled in a corner with a group of his cronies, gradually getting drunk, judging by the increasing loud laughter emerging from the corner.
Clarisse, meanwhile, had done what was expected of her, dancing and initiating conversation with the Ambassadors of Brazil and Portugal, as well as the members of parliament and then socialising with the wives, but now she was tired and she wanted to take her heels off and relax.
She was also aware that Joseph had been watching her constantly over the night- he WAS her bodyguard and that was what he was supposed to, she reminded herself sternly- and she had to admit that she was liking his extra attention on her… although she didn't know why.
She was getting old, she surmised, and she was lonely- the boys were now away at college and didn't see them as often as when they were at school- and in the absence of real affection from her husband, or even a confidante (Joseph was, he was a great sounding board… but, NO, she wasn't thinking about him), she was now thinking about Joseph….
Speaking of, he hadn't come across at all during the evening to stand next to her, give a few words of encouragement (not that she hadn't been alone or not on the dance floor) and it felt a little strange, maybe he wasn't in the ballroom anymore, although he SHOULD be here, he was HER personal bodyguard…
Scanning the room- narrowing her eyes slightly at the raucous crowd of men in the corner, getting louder and louder- Clarisse suddenly spotted Joseph in the corner… talking to one tall, elegant brunette, with very little jeweller but the dress seemed to cling to her every curve, making her seem… beautiful …
He was ALLOWED to talk to other women, she reminded herself sternly, although while he was working wasn't necessarily appropriate but, glancing around, there were more than enough black suited men situated around the room, so he could relax. Joseph had every right to talk to other women, he was a bachelor and wasn't being unfaithful to anyone, she didn't own him, and Joseph was ONLY her bodyguard…
However, the reasoning wasn't helping her feelings- she was suddenly feeling lonely and alone and sad- everyone else seemed to be having a marvellous time and she… she was just being a spoilsport…
Clarisse looked back at Joseph, and she was suddenly aware of a tidal wave of feelings that were threatening to engulf her, starting with her cheeks beginning to redden with… what? Humiliation? Fear? Or was it… rage?
Rage that Joseph, who was supposed to be working, was flirting with one of the guests and clearly enjoying it. Rage that he hadn't been anywhere near her all evening- even at a discreet distance behind her, just so that she knew his presence was there, that he was supporting her. Rage that the woman- who didn't look so attractive now, was clearly flirting, touching him on his shoulder, as if to test his muscles and chuckling inanely at whatever he was saying… just plain, unreasonable rage…
WHY was she so angry, Clarisse wondered distantly as she realised that she was clenching her fists- quite unqueenly behaviour, she chided herself as she slowly relaxed her hands. She was fortunate that she was standing quietly in a corner, no one was bothering her and she was enjoying a moment of peace… and WHY hadn't Joseph noticed that she was alone? WHY hadn't he come over to check on her? WHY? WHY? WHY?
Oh my…
No…
I can't be…
Suddenly, a realisation swept over her and Clarisse wasn't just feeling angry anymore, she was feeling humiliated and ridiculous… why had Joseph invoked such passionate feelings her, she had never felt that way around Rupert, EVER. EVER.
She couldn't be…
No, she couldn't be…
She was JEALOUS. She was really, truly JEALOUS.
Why was she jealous?
She had fallen in love with Joseph Bonnell… and it was a feeling that could never lead to anything more, a life that would be so different, to MARRIAGE…
It was hopeless…
