A/N: Hi everyone. So I intended this to be a one shot but managed to get some more for you.
I know you all wanted Regina's reaction but I couldn't do that just yet, so here is some more Emma. This chapter is a bit more personal and about Emma trying to deal with the feelings she has. I am working on Regina's response so hopefully for next chapter you'll have that.
So, I hope you like it as much as the first chapter. x
I am now alone and crying. She never said anything and after minutes and seconds of her staring at me with a look in her eyes I couldn't fathom, I fled. Cold tears are soothing my heated pink cheeks as I lie in bed, cocooned in the duvet and I am desperately trying to shut the world out.
I hate myself.
Why did I do that?
Why did I just go an ruin everything by opening my big mouth?
I am crying so hard now that I can't even think straight to answer those questions and I don't want anyone else to either because same as earlier, I know the answers to every question I torture myself with.
Swallowing hard I screw my eyes up tight in an effort to stop the tears. That fails to work and they fly open again, stinging as the air mixes with the salty tears. In floods they still travel down my cheeks, following the contours of my face and chin before following the path down my neck. I must look awful but I don't care, who is going to see anyway. I don't have anyone now.
Worst part of it all is that I don't even have a friend to talk to. She is gone too. She was you.
Shoving my face into the pillow I let it absorb the evidence of my upset. If I can just go to sleep and never wake up again I will be happy.
I must have fallen asleep at some point because I have woken up to darkness. How disappointing! Yes you read that right, I was being sarcastic. My eyes are itchy, sore and red and I rub them and focus on the surroundings of my bedroom. As always when you fall asleep unconscious of the fact that you have, I feel warm and clammy and my throat is dry.
Peeling myself out from under the duvet I push away from my mattress to sit up and then promptly climb out of bed. Its the middle of the night, no one awake thank god, as I creep downstairs for a glass of ice cold water. It instantly soothes my throat. As I stand sipping I can't help but remember that blank expression and nothingness upon gorgeous features, as I declared my love earlier.
My eyes instantly moisten, tears imminent and I choke on my latest mouthful of water as a huge sob escapes me. Too upset again I slam the glass down on the side and run back up the stairs as quickly as I can. I have to hide until I get over these stupid feelings.
I can't being myself to talk to anyone and I don't want to admit the truth either. Concealing it and carrying on like nothing is wrong is the easiest way to be ok. Suppress, suppress, suppress, but first I need to just get the feelings out. Diary where are you?
I scramble under my bed for something I never used before. I had bought it with every intention of keeping a journal but I never committed to writing it. I need it now though, if I just write it all down maybe it will leave my head once and for all. Upon finding the book I grab it and hurry snatching a pen from the bedside table before tumbling a top my bed. My actions rushed I peel off the wrapping of the book and throw it down on the floor. Next thing I know the pen is in my hand and I am scribbling away without a conscious thought.
So I have told you I love you...
BIG F***ING MISTAKE!
Yes I am angry! Lets just be clear on that, but not because I am mad at you.
I AM MAD AT ME!
You said nothing and that says more than you'll ever know. You just returned to your work without another thought about what you were told. In fact I doubt you even understood properly.
What do I do now though? Will you talk to me? Will you tell me if you feel the same?
A tear splashes on my page smudging the ink on that last bit of scribble.
All you had to do was say something. Anything...
I love you too...
What the hell?
Get lost...
I hate you!
Another tear splashes onto the page, absorbed into the fibres of the paper and smudging the ink of the words just written again.
Anything would have been something. An answer at least.
I just want you to want me, the way that I want you. I just want you to love me. Is that so much to ask for?
Well I guess it is and upon reflection I suppose it is I don't deserve you any way. You are a much better person than I am and ever since I've known you all I seem to do is cause you pain.
Hurt you...
Upset you...
Make things worse...
Story of my life and you don't need that in your life. You've had enough of that in the past.
Once you'd opened up and trusted me I was sure you cared and I really think you do but maybe just as my friend.
Is that it? Do you just want to be friends and nothing more?
I want that too, the friends thing, best friends but I have just seen you in a different light.
I'm sorry...
I didn't mean to ruin what we had?
Please tell me you know that? Right?
Grrrrr, now I am just frustrated. Why do I feel like this?
I am screwing up again, making it worse. Why did I think this would help?
It's not even going to be normal between us anymore. I can't fix this. It can't be undone.
Argggghhhhh! Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated!
You're not even reading this, and if you ever get the chance you won't even realise that it is about you!
Everything is about you!
You...you...YoU...U...YOU!...YOU!
I sniffle as another teardrop hits the page and smudges the ink on that bottom line of scribble. Quickly I wipe at my dripping nose and eyes to clear away anything threatening to fall.
I take a minute re-reading what I have already put on paper and realise it is just the desperate ramblings of someone craving love. How unfortunate it is that the person is me.
So why am I scribbling again?
It's like I don't have control of my hand right now. Pen covers paper quickly as I scribble. Out comes more.
Maybe I just don't know you well enough. Maybe I am just not good enough. I don't know. Did I mistake something for more. Misread the friendship.
Did I?
Another larger tear splashes on the page smudging the middle words of those few sentences.
Taking a deep breath I allow myself to calm a little before trying to get out more feelings.
I just wanted you to know.
So now you do I guess it is up to you what you do with the information.
Sorry...
I'm sorry that I love you.
I can't help it.
I love you. I Love You. I LOVE YOU!
I slam the book shut then. That is enough. I can't torture myself like this. I must stop.
I have hit self destruct!
Pulling at my hair in frustration I scream. It should have relieved the tension but it hasn't. I am still wound so tight. Paranoia and angst invading every fibre of my being, doubt and depression eating away at my mind, feeding on the sadness and they won't stop until I am completely destroyed.
"Why can't you just see that I love you?!"
Oh Damn, I just screamed that out loud.
I pound my fist into the mattress to try and relieve some of my frustrations. I take deep breaths to try and calm and then suddenly I find myself unconsciously scribbling away again on the page.
I love you. I love you so much it actually hurts.
I need you to realise. I need you to see this and I need you read it properly. Really look at the words. Look at the clues.
See me...
Please.
ME...not her
ME!
Read it properly!
The words are scribbled as I stare at the bottom of the page. The last line of words.
Are you reading this properly?
Suddenly I find my fingers curled around the top of the page, gripping it tight, ready to rip the leaf from the spine and with every intention of doing so but I don't.
I want to tear the page to shreds.
I want to take it all back and never feel like this. Make it stop. Make it go away. Pretend it isn't real and not let anybody see the truth.
I take a deep breath and I release the page. I can't do it.
I want you to see it and I want YOU to know that I mean every word of it. I LOVE YOU!
I really do so I pick up my pen again and place it just above the first sentence. With a shaking hand I write.
To...
