American Gothic Vortex
Chapter 02, The Thanksgiving Weekend Query
Raj, Howard, and Sheldon sat in front of one of the four large-screen TVs at the Glendale Galleria Pastry Palace. They all had out their tablets and laptops with a number of shopping bags in front of them.
"This is actually pretty nice," Howard said as he got up and refilled his coffee. "The Pastry Palace always makes a nice man cave where the guys can chill while the gals shop on Black Friday. I usually come with my mom."
"The gals? That's sexist, dude," Raj said. "Personally, I see myself as Alex' assistant. I'm watching the haul while Alex does the hard work."
Bernadette walked up pushing her folding shopping cart and deposited additional bags in front of the three men.
"Here, Sheldon, Raj," she said. "These are from Amy and Alex. They said don't look in them. Here, Howard. Watch these. Don't look in these either."
"Where's Amy?" Sheldon asked.
"She's in Modern Bride," Bernadette said.
"What's she doing there?" Sheldon asked, looking up from his tablet for the first time.
"She's making an appointment to come back and try on wedding dresses," Bernadette said.
"Oh, what Fresh Hell?" Sheldon said, bolting from the table and running toward the other side of the mall, leaving his laptop, tablet, and all of Amy's full shopping bags. He yelled, "Amy! Amy! Amy!" as he disappeared around the corner flapping his arms.
"What was that about?" Raj asked.
Bernadette said, "I think Amy has wedding fever, from Howard and me and Leonard and Penny getting married, Alex and you getting engaged, Patti and me being pregnant, and Leonard and Penny having Emily."
"Is that where Alex is too?" Raj said. "My parents are coming for a visit after New Year's, and my mommy wants to go wedding dress shopping with her. She wants to buy Alex' dress for her American wedding and her outfit for our India wedding."
"No," Bernadette said. "She went to Destination Maternity. They're having a maternity fair. After I leave here, I'm planning to join her."
Raj, who had just taken a big swallow of coffee, sprayed it over Bernadette and the bags. He grabbed some napkins to wipe the coffee coming out his nose.
"Sheesh, Raj," Bernadette said, "Careful. It's all over me, and we don't want to stain anything in the bags."
"Oh, crap. Oh, crap," Raj said, hopping up and charging toward the other side of the mall. As he ran toward the direction Sheldon had run, he yelled, "Alex! Alex! Alex!"
Sheldon, running, crossed in front of Raj and shouted, "Wrong direction."
Howard and Bernadette watched Raj disappear around the corner near the Eyeglass Hut and Sheldon disappear past Charming Charley's. "I guess I need to go check on Alex and Amy," Bernadette said. "Looks like you're stuck with the bags."
"True dat," Howard said.
#
Three thousand miles away, Leonard carried Emily around in the baby sack on his front as he and Penny walked through Cambridgeside Galleria near Harvard University. Penny was wearing her new disguise with a bright red wig under Leonard's Tilly Hat and wearing thick-rimmed glasses.
"Hey, Penny," the teenage girls said as they passed them.
"Penny!" the young, supermodel-beautiful brunette standing in the Sephora entrance, said. "Looking good!"
"Ah, gee," Penny said. "They recognized me."
"Turn around," Leonard said.
Penny turned around to come face-to-face with a 10-foot-tall picture of her with a Santa hat and a winter parka wearing the Penny Winter Collection in the Sephora window.
They met up with Al and Rachel, who were pushing Randi in a stroller.
"Hey, sweetheart," Rachel said, brushing the side of Emily's face with her hand.
Emily smiled at her, kicked, and waved her fist.
"Em-ee," Randi said.
"Hey, little sis," Penny said, bending down to kiss Randi.
"How did you guys do?" Leonard asked.
"I have a hard time getting your dad into the gift-buying spirit," Rachel said. "Mostly he sat in the man cave at the Atlanta Bread Company drinking coffee and playing with Randi guarding the bags while I hit the specials."
"We finished buying the Munchkins' Christmas presents," Penny said. "We're going to have to order Molly's birthday present, but it should arrive a couple of weeks early. That finishes our shopping for everyone here. I appreciate Michael holding everything for us until Christmas. Leonard, you were tremendous. Where you on Black Friday before we got married?"
"You were mostly home in Nebraska, so we only spent about two Thanksgiving weekends together," Leonard said.
"Well, you were super."
"We got the you-know-what for you-know-who," Leonard said, subtly nodding toward Randi.
"It's still not even 9:00 a.m. Let's go out for a real breakfast," Penny said. "I could go for some pancakes. Randy, you look like a pancake girl to me."
Randy beamed up at Penny and said, "Fench Fye."
"French fries? Maybe we can find you some French fries," Penny laughed.
"She calls anything with potatoes French fries," Al said. "She will tear through hashbrowns."
A few minutes later, Penny was diving in to her breakfast special at the Pancake House.
"Oh, these are so good. Dr. Hofstadter, see? I'm eating protein with the carbs," she said as she ate some of her scrambled eggs. "I love the butter pecan syrup."
"I can make it," Leonard said.
"I assume you're talking to your husband when you say 'Dr. Hofstadter,'" Al said.
"Oh, sorry," Penny said. "That's what I call him sometimes, especially when he rolls his eyes at me when I talk about psychics or astrology or he goes veggier-than-thou."
"Leonard," Al said. "Did I understand you to say that your mother wouldn't even come out into the waiting room to meet her granddaughter when you were in New York?"
"No, we stood there for 20 minutes," Leonard said. "Her receptionist said she didn't have a patient with her, she was doing paper work."
"Al, I'm about to go Junior Rodeo on your ex-wife," Penny said.
"She likes you," Al said. "She says you're her best friend."
"Her best friend's about to smack her so hard she'll have to roll down her socks to, uh [looking at Randi], sneeze," Penny said.
Al and Leonard looked at her. "That doesn't make any sense," Leonard said.
"Okay," Penny said, "I cleaned it up for the little ears. I think Beverly and I are running toward a major reckoning. I was already fed up with how she treated Leonard, but, now, she's giving my daughter the same treatment. Someone as smart as she is should know better than to poke the cub when Mama Bear is watching. She has never met Emily. To be honest, I'm not sure now whether I want Emily to get to know her. Rachel is much more of a grandmother than Beverly is, even though she's two months younger than I am."
Al chuckled. He said, "You know, I think Emily is going to be smart enough to figure it out, but a lot of children would be confused by having one grandmother who is younger than her father and another who is younger than both of her parents."
"Patti's a doll," Leonard said. "She loves Emily-and Penny. Emily is going to be one lucky little girl having her-you too, Rachel. And now she has an Aunt Randi who is a year older than she is and will have an uncle or aunt younger than she is."
"I forgot that Patti is pregnant too," Rachel said.
"So, Penny," Al said, "You and Emily aren't traveling to Stockholm for the Nobel Prize ceremony?"
"No," Penny said. "So far, Emily travels very well, but I don't want to subject her to that at three months. It's going to be the first time Leonard will be away from Emily for more than just a few hours going to work. I worry how both of them will handle it."
"You said at her Christening that, when she misses Leonard, you can play videos of him delivering lectures and that the two of them Skype when he's at work or you're at the studio with her. I guess you can continue to do that," Al said.
Penny said, "She's gotten wise to that. She's figured out the difference between Leonard in person and Leonard on the iPad. She still watches him on the screen and interacts with him when he Skypes, but she's not as interested as when he's actually there. I don't think he'll dawdle in Stockholm, though. He's planning to fly there in time for the ceremony, stay for the reception, and then hop back on the plane and be back. We're thinking he'll be gone four to five days."
"Poor things," Rachel said. "Your sister will be there with you and Emily, I'm guessing."
"Yeah, Gina has been great," Penny said. "She looks so much like me that I think that helped Emily bond with her. We'll be shooting the last couple of Nerds before the Christmas-New Year's hiatus, so I'll be at the studio every day that week, and Gina will be with us the whole time Leonard's gone."
"How is that working out, with you having Emily at the studio?" Rachel asked.
"It's great," Penny said. "The entire cast and crew welcomed Emily into the family. We have a couple of other female crewmembers who bring their newborns, so Emily is making friends. The producers worked with me, letting my character be on location checking in by Skype for the first couple of episodes after Emily was born, so I was able to do that from home actually using my iPad," she said, "not to mention the extra scenes we shot during hiatus, before Emily was born. When I returned to work, they gave me a shower, and they had given me a bigger trailer and had decorated it for a baby girl. We have a changing station, a mini-fridge, a crib, a place for me to lie down, and even a baby swing and play pen. There are stuffed animals all over the place."
"When Katie was supposed to be on location in Paris, and you Skyped, I really liked that video they did of clips of Katie from last season to Joshua Radin's "Winter" when all the guys had their fantasies about missing you," Rachel said.
"Are you still getting baby gifts from the fans?" Al asked. "Rachel said that you asked on your official Facebook fan page, and I saw at the bottom of the screen on the end credits for both shows, that all gifts go to the UCLA Children's Hospital or the Pasadena Women and Children's Shelter."
"They tell me there have been tons of stuffed toys, diapers, and baby clothes," Penny said. "That is so sweet."
#
Penny got up out of bed and put Emily into Molly's old crib after Emily finished nursing.
"Scoot over, short stuff," she said to Linda. She slid back into bed between Linda and Molly.
Emily began to fuss.
"Leonard," Penny said. "You're up. Miss Fussy Britches wants you."
"Huh?" Leonard said, waking. "Oh. Okay." Leonard got up and went over to the crib. He picked up Emily. "What's up, Short Round?" he said. He pulled back her diaper, sniffed, and said, "No, diaper's good. You're just lonely, huh?"
In the faint light, he could see Emily smile up at him and kick.
"Oh, now you're happy," he laughed. He kissed Emily and squeezed her. "Well, it looks as if we'll have one more in the bed. Many more and we'll have to sleep standing up. Okay, just for a little while."
Leonard lay back in the bed holding Emily on his chest. Molly drowsily snuggled close to him. Emily squirmed until she slid off Leonard's chest and wound up between Leonard and Molly. She rooted next to Leonard.
"My, aren't we possessive," Leonard said as Emily assumed the same position Penny normally assumed when she cuddled with Leonard, facing him and positioning her head just under his jaw. "Penny," he said. "Do you see this?"
"I guess she's staking her claim," Penny said.
Leonard heard something and turned over to find himself nose-to-nose with Randi.
"Len-er," Randi said.
"Hi, sweetheart," Leonard said, reaching to put his arm around Randi. "Are you all right? How did you sneak up on me?"
"Cuddle," Randi said.
"Well come on in," Leonard said, pulling back the covers. Randi slid between the covers and cuddled up next to Leonard on the opposite side from Emily. Leonard lay on his back holding Emily and Molly with his left arm and holding Randi with his right.
Penny propped up in bed. "Leonard, I wish I had a picture of this," she said. "You should feel special, cuddling with three young ladies."
Leonard had just gotten back to sleep when he heard laughing. He looked up and, from the light in the hallway through the open door, he could see Rachel and Janice standing over him. "I'm going to have to take a picture of this," Rachel said. She pulled out her phone and took several flash pictures.
"Leonard, are you sure you're OK with four visitors?" Janice said.
"I'm in heaven," Leonard said.
"Do you need me to take Randi?" Janice said.
"No, don't you dare. We're fine," Leonard said. "I wish I could stay like this forever. How did you guys wind up in here?"
"I checked on Randi and found that her crib was empty," Rachel said.
"She climbed all the way out of her crib?" Leonard asked.
"Oh, she's quite the escape artist," Rachel said. "We have an alarm at home. I tease Al that maybe we need to go to the pet store and get a cat carrier for her."
"If you and Penny are all right with all the company, we'll leave you to it," Janice said.
"We're fine," Penny said. "It's only 11:00 back home, so it may take us a bit to drift back to sleep."
"Leonard," Janice said. "It looks as if Emily has insinuated herself between you and Molly."
Leonard said, "Yeah, she fussed until I picked her up, and then she wedged herself in between Molly and me."
"Is this the first time Randi has cuddled with you?" Rachel asked.
"Yes it is," Leonard said. "I'm surprised. I know she hasn't been around me as much as Molly and Linda have. I've been making overtures, but she has been a bit reserved, so I thought she was having a hard time warming up to me."
Penny woke to the sound of the shower. She looked over to Leonard's side of the bed and saw Randi curled up in his spot and Emily and Molly facing each other cuddling. "Oh!" she said. She reached over to the nightstand, disconnected her iPhone from the charger, walked over to Leonard's side of the bed, and took the flash picture. "Oh, this is adorable," Penny said. She walked into the kitchen, where Janice and Rachel were having coffee, and showed them the picture.
"Send me a copy," Janice said.
"Me too," Rachel said.
"I'm sending it to you, my dad, Michael, Patti, and our friends back in Pasadena," Penny said.
#
[Author's note: Please bear with the me with the following passage. I'm actually setting up something in which Sheldon is trying to be sweet, but he is so naive that he stumbles a bit. Don't think I'm into kinky things: Something very similar to what happens happened with my mother, who was raised in a tight-knit Native American Community and unknowingly stumbled into a similar business looking for Christmas gifts not knowing what the store really was. I had to look up what people buy there and think I'll be sleeping with the lights on for a while.]
Raj dropped Sheldon off at the corner. "Dude," Raj said, "Alex and I should be about an hour. We'll call you about 10-15 minutes before we'll come for you and see where you are."
"All right," Sheldon said. "I should be able to find Amy an acceptable Christmas present at Radio Shack. They have their batteries on sale. I don't think Amy has a battery tester, so maybe one of those would be good. If not, Cyber Monday is day after tomorrow, and I should be able to get her something nice and electronic. I'll probably head over to Tater Junction while I wait on you."
Sheldon started down the block. He was about to turn into the Radio Shack when he saw the sign for the Fifty Shades Adult Toy and Clothing Store across the street.
"Amy likes board games and card games," Sheldon said to himself. "I'll bet I can find her a nice present, even though I think those types of games are generally frivolous."
Sheldon walked into what looked to be a reception area where an elderly man was reading the newspaper.
"May I help you?" the man said.
"I'm sorry," Sheldon said. "I must be in the wrong place. I thought the sign said this was an adult toy store."
"It is," the man said. "Here. I'll buzz you in. You'll need to leave your messenger bag with me."
Sheldon handed the man the bag, and the man put it under the counter. The man pressed a buzzer.
"Go on in," he said. "Mistress Priscilla runs the show room."
Sheldon walked into the room. There were quite a few people browsing through the merchandise, most of them in couples.
"Oh, my," Sheldon said, looking at the display just inside the door with what appeared to be a bust of a person with the head covered with a leather hood. He walked around and saw the items hanging on the wall and the clothing on mannequins.
"Yecch!" Sheldon said as he looked at the model of a man's head wearing a ball gag.
Sheldon heard the click, click, click of someone walking up behind him in high heels. He turned to see a striking brunette woman dressed all in leather, carrying a riding crop.
"You like my legs, I see," the woman said. "You can't take your eyes off them."
"No," Sheldon said. "I was wondering how you can walk in those boots, as tight as they are and as high and thin as your heels are, not to mention how tight your leather pants are. It must take you 30 minutes to lace up your boots. Don't those pants chafe?"
"I'm Mistress Priscilla," the woman said. "How may I help you?"
"I'm just browsing for a Christmas present for my girlfriend," Sheldon said.
"How long have you been together?"
"We've been friends for five years, but she has only been my girlfriend for three years."
"Which one of you is dominant?" she asked.
"I guess you could say I am," Sheldon said. "I'm the one who wrote the relationship agreement, although Penny made me change some of the components."
"Who's Penny?"
"She was my neighbor, but she married Leonard, and now they live over near the quarry. She did live with Leonard and me for several months."
Mistress Priscilla smiled. "What sort of thing are you and your young lady into?" She asked.
"I'm a tenured experimental physicist," Sheldon said. "I'm probably less than five years from a Nobel Prize. She, on the other hand, is a neurobiologist, which, of course, is the sickly handmaiden to experimental physics."
"I mean what types of games do you play?"
"Like what?"
"Are you and she into role-play?"
"Oh, yes. I play Halo 2 and the World of Conan. I'm a fifth-level mage in one and a blood elf in the other. Sometimes, the guys and I play Dungeons and Dragons. Amy really doesn't get into those games."
"Okay," Mistress Priscilla said, "I think I know who I'm dealing with."
"Actually," Sheldon said, "you ended your sentence with a preposition. You should have said, 'I think I know with whom I am dealing.'"
Mistress Priscilla stared at Sheldon for a few moments.
"Do you and she like to play dress-up?"
"Well, yes, but not together. I go to the cons, like Comicon. I always dress as Spock. But she doesn't do that. She went to the Princess Factory at Disneyland and had them dress her as Snow White."
"Okee dokey," Mistress Priscilla said. "How about this?"
She pulled a one-inch-wide, eight-inch-diameter steel band from one of the hooks on the wall. "Does she have one of these?"
"A necklace, just like the one you're wearing," Sheldon said.
"No, it's different. I'm dominant, so I can put on and take off my collar any time I want to. See? It hooks in the back. If you lock this on her, and only you have the key, she'll have to wear it until you unlock it. And mine doesn't have a ring in the front like this one-it's just a fashion statement. We can engrave it for you with 'Property of' and your name if you want. Of course, if we do that, it's not returnable."
"Why would you need a ring on the front?" Sheldon asked.
"Can't you figure it out?" Mistress Priscilla said.
"Ohhhh!" Sheldon said. "It might be a good place to hang a clutch bag if she doesn't have any pockets."
"You're kidding," Mistress Priscilla said.
"She might like that," Sheldon said. "Let me look around a little more, but you might have a sale. She loves jewelry. I gave her a tiara, and she wears it all the time. This would go with it."
#
Leonard and Penny sat in the fourth row on the bride's side at St. Matthews Lutheran Church in Ralston. Leonard was holding an awake and very alert Emily. "She has that interested look on her face, as if she's studying us," Wyatt said.
Patti said, "I would love to know what's going on in that head of hers. What are you thinking, Carrot Top?"
Emily turned her head and looked Patti in the eye.
"Whoa," Patti said. "When you give me that look, I feel as if I need to go home and change my socks. It's as if you can see everything inside me."
"I still wonder if I don't need to take her to the nursery," Leonard said.
"We can take her if she starts getting fussy," Penny said. "I want to sit with you, and I know you won't leave her there, even if my friend's daughter Nicole is watching the babies."
Ushers escorted the groom's parents to their seats, while the bride's brother escorted their mother to her seat.
The string quartet began playing as the groomsmen escorted the bridesmaids down the aisle. Finally, the congregation stood as Wyatt's cousin Charles escorted his daughter Sherry down the aisle while the string quartet played the "Wedding March."
A few moments later, after the minister said a few words, he introduced the groom's aunt Matilda, who, he said would sing "Ave Maria."
Penny leaned over and whispered, "Sherry and Glenn nearly eloped rather than have his aunt Matty sing. She thinks she can sing, but it sounds like a cat getting caught in a hay baler. It was going to cause a row if they said no, so Sherry gave in, even though she doesn't want her to sing."
The song began. Soon after Aunt Matty began screeching, causing the guests to cringe, Emily began loudly cooing every time Matty would sing a line. She was loud enough that everyone in the church could hear her. It was one of those bored coos that babies make when nothing's going on that interests them. Pretty soon, people were snickering and watching her. Penny was shaking, trying to hide the fact that she was trying to stifle her laugh. She had tears running down her face and snorted. The pianist giggled as she played the song. Penny looked over and saw that several people were recording the scene with their smartphones.
"Maybe I should walk her out," Leonard whispered. He stood to leave with the loudly cooing Emily, but the bride turned with a huge smile on her face and motioned for Leonard to sit. Aunt Mattie was scowling as she started the next verse. Again, Emily began loudly cooing. By the time Aunt Mattie finished the last verse and stomped off in a huff, the entire congregation, even the minister, was snickering.
#
The D. J. Played the bride's favorite song, "Fields of Gold" by Sting, the acoustic version with Sting playing a lute, as Glenn and Sherry walked into the reception at the Ralston Country Club. "Ladies and Gentlemen," he said, "May I introduce Mr. Glenn and Mrs. Sherry Ingerson." The two danced to the song followed by Glenn's favorite song, "Hey Julie," by Fountains of Wayne.
When the songs were over, Sherry rushed over to where Leonard was holding Emily.
"There's my girl," Sherry said, taking Emily from Leonard and spinning around with her. "I was dreading that solo, but you turned it into a duet I'll always remember." She turned to one of the people taking videos and asked, "Did you get the song on video?"
One of the videographers said, "Tansy just happened to be panning in the baby's direction when she started cooing. She said she zoomed in on her. I got the groom's aunt while she struggled to finish. We ought to be able to edit it into a split screen."
"Penny, Dr. Hofstadter," Sherry said, "I love this little princess. Emily, you gave me the sweetest memory from my wedding that I will never forget, not to mention that I think you put an end to Aunt Mattie insisting she sing at weddings."
Emily smiled at Sherry and stuck out her tongue.
"She likes you," Penny said.
"Is it all right if I take her over to show her to my family?" Sherry said. "I don't think I should take her over to Glenn's."
"Where is Aunt Mattie?" Penny asked.
"She left the church the moment her solo was over," Sherry said. "She burned rubber leaving the parking lot, according to Glenn's brother. Emily, you're my hero." She kissed Emily on the cheek and walked off with her as Emily beamed and cooed at her.
Penny walked over to the build-your-own-sundae bar and took a picture that she sent to Sheldon.
Ms. Lidy pushed her walker over to the punch bowl, where a young woman was filling glasses.
"That punch is just punch, isn't it?" Ms. Lidy asked. "I don't want any alcohol."
"There's no alcohol in the punch," the young woman said.
Ms. Lidy took her punch and turned to be face-to-face with Penny.
"Oh, hello, Penny," Ms. Lidy said. "That was a nice wedding. Don't worry; you'll have your wedding before you know it."
Just then, Sherry brought a giggling Emily back and handed her to Penny.
Ms. Lidy said, "What's this? The bride has a baby?"
"No, Miz Lidy," Penny said. "This is my baby. This is Emily."
Emily smiled at Ms. Lidy, stuck out her tongue, and began kicking.
"Your baby?" Ms. Lidy said. "Penny, your grandpa Bob is going to be broken-hearted. That's what comes from riding in cars with boys."
Just then, Leonard walked up and reached for Emily.
"Miz Lidy," Penny said, "This is my husband Leonard. Emily belongs to us. We're married."
"And still in high school," Miz Lidy said, shaking her head. "Um, um, um." She walked off shaking her head.
Penny started after Ms. Lidy, but Wyatt intercepted her.
"Daddy, what's wrong?" Penny asked, seeing the look on his face.
"Where's Leonard?" Wyatt asked.
"He's over talking to Tyrell," Penny said. "Why?"
"There's a problem," Wyatt said. "Could you get him and meet me in the lobby? I'll find Gina."
"Sure, Daddy. Is it bad?"
"Yeah, it's bad. We need to have a family meeting, and we need to do it now."
