Love, Pain, And The Whole Crazy Thing

Chapter 2: Tonight I Wanna Cry

The next few days were made easier by the fact that Remus was there. He made sure she ate and had a shoulder to cry on. He listened when Hermione wanted to talk and let her be when she needed to be alone. She was relieved that he was there instead of Harry and Ron. She and the boys had grown apart and they would have smothered her.

It was two weeks later that Hermione finally let everything go. She started to smile again and laugh a little. She had accepted her mother's death enough to realize that she wouldn't have wanted her to mope and cry all the time. She realized that her mum would have wanted her to keep living her life and remember their happy times. She would always feel the missing part where her mother had been in her life, but she would be ok. It would still hurt, but she would make it. Remus was glad she was better, but didn't want to leave her. He had grown accustomed to her presence, and her house had become more like home than his own, but he had to get back to his shop eventually.

"Hermione, I think its time for me to go home. You don't need me to hang around anymore, and I don't want to wear out my welcome." Remus said quietly as they sat on her porch drinking coffee, one morning. She looked surprised.

"Do you have to go?" She pouted slightly.

"Yes, I have to finish setting up my store so I can get it open." She looked sad.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Hermione. What wrong?" She wouldn't look him in the eye.

"These past few weeks have been easier because you're here, but now I don't want you to go. I love you, Remus." He sighed. He had been afraid that it would happen like this between them.

"All the more reason for me to leave."

"Why? Don't you care for me?" She snapped.

"Of course I care about you. You are one of my best friends. But I'm twenty years older than you and I'm a werewolf. I want to give you time to grieve properly for your mum. I don't want you to use me to fill a void and then realize that's all you wanted me for. Besides I have nothing to offer you. And if we were together, we could never get married or have children. The Ministry would never allow the first and any kids we had would inherit my curse. It would drive us apart and I don't want that either." He didn't know what other reasons he could give her, that he was a bad choice all around. He could fall in love with her so easily.

"Do you really think so little of me, that I would care about you being a werewolf, or that I would use you so carelessly? That hurts Remus. If you really think that, fine then. Please leave." She said it firmly, but her lips quivered and he could see the tears were barely held in check. He went inside and gathered his things. Five minutes later he was gone in a brilliant green flash of floo powder.

Hermione let the tears go. She took deep breaths to stay silent. She went inside and picked up a bottle of firewhiskey. She usually wouldn't touch the stuff, but she felt the need to be roaring drunk. She went to her potions lab in the basement and drank while she stared at her notes on the Wolfsbane potion and lycanthropy. Not a good combination.

Two days later Tonks knocked on her door. Hermione answered the door blearily. She had a horrible hangover and really didn't want company.

"What?" She demanded.

"That should be my line. Or maybe it should be 'What the hell did you do to Remus?'" Tonks asked pushing her way inside.

"I didn't do anything to Remus. He said it was time for him to go and he left." She countered.

"Well he came home looking like someone had knocked him bristles over handle, and then he kicked me out."

"Last time I checked, that is his house. He can do what he wants.

"He said he didn't love me. That he wont love me. He says he cares about someone else."

"Jealous? Well it isn't me, because he ran from me. I love him and he walked away." Tonks looked like she was about to let loose a nasty curse.

"You little whore! You stole him from me!" Hermione sighed.

"Go away Tonks, my head hurts too much to deal with this."

"Go back to your bottle Hermione, and let a real woman take care of him." Tonks spat bitterly and left. Hermione turned back to her bottle and her potions lab and Tonks went back to Remus.

"Remus, I'm back." She called as she walked through the front door.

"I told you not to come back. You and I were never meant to be. I don't love you. I never did. Go away." Remus said dangerously. She opened her mouth to say something else, but he cut her off. "Go away!" She huffed and stomped out the door.

"Hermione, I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better than me." He whispered into the darkness.

Alone in this house again tonight

I've got the TV on,

The sound turned down and a bottle of wine

There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me

The way that it was and could have been surrounds me

I'll never get over you walking away.

Hermione wandered through her house looking at all the pictures of Harry and Ron and Remus, and all the order members, her friends and her mother. She had never felt so truly alone.

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show

And I thought being strong never meant losing your self-control

But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain

To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain

From my eye

Tonight I wanna cry.

Would it help if I turned a sad song on

"All by myself would sure hit me hard now that you're gone

Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters

Its gonna hurt bad before it gets better

But I'll never get over you hiding this way.

Hermione felt like she had lead around her heart. Something didn't feel right about Remus disappearing…like he was scared. That's when it hit her, why he left. The tears poured down her face. "Oh, Remus…"

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show

And I thought being strong never meant losing you're self-control

But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain

To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain

From my eyes

Tonight I wanna cry.

She put away the bottle and headed to her lab. She was going to find a cure for Remus, so that he would never have to fear that he would hurt her.