Your lovely words and reviews turned this into a two-parter. And yes, I brought Jesse back. He was too fine not to.
Chapter 2 - Bonnie
Things have been different since the wedding.
I could pretend not to know why and how they are different, but I've always prided myself on being the type of girl that's aware of her own feelings. As crazy as it is, the fact is that I have feelings for Damon. I can admit that in the safety of my own head.
I know that I developed a little crush on him while we were stuck in the prison world. At the time, I assumed it was temporary and borne out of desperation. After all, he was (as far as I knew) the only male in existence and I was either going to end up killing him or falling for him. Unfortunately, it was the latter. Even after he was gone and I was missing him, I chalked it up to loneliness and told myself that my feelings would die down once I was back in the real world. They didn't. That first night that I saw him and jumped into his arms, it took everything in me not to kiss him and hold on forever.
We fell into our comfortable patterns and I tried to keep a lid on my heart. I should have known better than to get drunk and dance with him at that damn wedding. Having him so close to me, receiving every bit of his attention, feeling him, smelling him...it was all too much. All my efforts not to like him died right there on the dance floor and since then, I haven't been sure what to do about the situation.
Obviously, I won't tell him that I love him. That would be ridiculous and embarrassing. I'll go to my grave with this and just hope for another love interest to come along soon.
Elena knows, though. She hasn't said anything, of course, but I can tell by the way she kind of throws their relationship into my face. It's never anything outright or rude, but it's there when she comes back to the dorm after a long weekend with Damon, looking thoroughly fucked, for lack of a better term. It's there when he calls her and she gets all giggly on the phone, talking just loud enough that I can hear her over the music playing in my headphones. It's there when he calls me, and she tries to act like she doesn't care but I can feel her eyes boring holes into the back of my head.
She's marking her territory and I can't say that I blame her. It's weird, I guess. Knowing that your friend likes your boyfriend. In all other respects, Elena and I are getting along fine. We still stay up late and talk, eat together, and gossip like we used to. But we don't talk about Damon.
Ever.
We do talk about Caroline a lot, though. We are talking about her as we walk to class in the science building: Elena for physics and me for anthropology. Elena's classroom comes up first and I'm standing at the door with her when it swings open and I nearly get my face broken in half. I jump back just in time to see one of the most gorgeous men I have ever laid eyes on. He's tall and slim, with a light brown complexion and eyes that would give Damon's a run for their money. His nose and lips are perfect, and his chin is covered in trimmed facial hair with flecks of blonde and red.
"I am so sorry," he says, holding out his hands for me. "I didn't even see you. Are you okay?"
I think I'm momentarily speechless. I wasn't aware that men this fine actually walk among us. I thought his type only lived in Hollywood and New York, gracing runways with their beauty.
"Uh, yeah," I finally say.
My eyes flitter to Elena, who looks so happy that she could burst.
"Jesse, this is Bonnie," she says to the god whose name is apparently Jesse.
He smiles, revealing brilliant white teeth and it's just not fair that he's this good-looking.
"Bonnie," he says, his voice making my name sound way sexier than it is. He extends his hand and when I take it, he places his other hand on mine. I can tell immediately that he is a vampire, but I don't even care. "Are you Elena's friend?"
"Best friend," Elena says, grinning. She's too happy, honestly.
"Elena must have the market on incredibly beautiful friends," he says.
At this, I frown. "Huh?"
"Jesse very briefly had a little thing with Caroline," Elena says, shrugging it off quickly.
"Oh, great. Another hot guy that was into my friends first," I say.
"Is that a deal-breaker?" Jesse asks.
"No more than you being a vampire," I say dryly.
His lovely eyebrows hike up in surprise, but then he smiles again. "So I only have two strikes, then. Maybe if you give me your number, I could convince you that I'm not so bad?"
My first reaction is to hesitate. It's just my nature to be cautious. Even though Jesse looks like he was handcrafted from the most perfect mold of humanity, I don't know him. And he's a vampire. And he's probably banged Caroline.
Elena can see the indecision on my face and she turns to Jesse and asks, "I have your number. Why don't I give it to Bonnie and if she's interested, she'll call you?"
He smile droops slightly but he nods and slowly releases my hand. "I hope to hear from you, Bonnie." He goes into the classroom and then Elena turns to me and silently squeals. She fans herself dramatically, which makes me laugh, and then she disappears inside.
I can't help but think about Jesse during my class. It's nice to get some attention from a new person, and I resolve then that I will call him. I don't see Elena again until that night, after our classes and various labs and activities. I'm on the bed, reading for my English class, when she bounds into the room and immediately jumps on my bed.
"Hey!" I say, swatting her with a pillow.
"Soooo, are you gonna call Jesse?"
"Yeah."
Her brown eyes nearly bug out of her head. "When?!"
"I don't know. Tomorrow, probably."
"Tomorrow? But that's so long."
"I don't want to seem desperate."
"You won't seem desperate if you just call to say hello. The whole day's gone by. You'll seem interested. Nothing wrong with that." She takes my phone, puts his number in it and then hands it to me. "I'll be in the shower, in case you need some...private...time." She wiggles her eyebrows, earning another pillow smash to the face. She laughs and bounces to the bathroom.
She's so happy that I'm looking at anyone other than Damon that she's practically floating. It does feel kind of nice to have someone else occupy my thoughts for once, and to not have that weird tension hanging between me and Elena.
I tap my pen on my book, trying to focus, but in reality I know my mind's already compromised. I sigh and hit the 'call' button, then close my book and lay back on my mountain of pillows.
"Hello?" he answers, sounding like liquid sex.
"Hi, is this Jesse?" I ask.
"This is he. Who's calling?"
"Bonnie. Bennett. You nearly bulldozed me this morning."
"Oh yeah, Bonnie," he says with a smile in his voice. "I didn't think you'd actually call."
"Yeah, well I figured I'd call after I finished my homework."
As soon as the words leave my mouth, I want to smack my head against the bedpost. God, I haven't flirted in so long. I sound like such an utter nerd.
"You have perfect timing, then, because I just finished my homework, too. Organic chemistry. Fun stuff."
The fact that he doesn't tease me for my lameness and he even makes me feel better by talking about his own homework makes me wonder if it's too early for me to be in love with him.
"So, Bonnie Bennett," he says, "why haven't I seen you around before? I'm pretty sure I would have noticed you."
I pause for only a second and decide that if I'm going to try to move on from Damon, I might as well be up front. After all, Jesse is no stranger to the supernatural.
"I was dead," I say plainly.
He doesn't miss a beat when he says, "we've all been there."
I laugh, he laughs and just like that, it's easy. We talk about his classes, my classes and the beginner things like where we're from. We're still talking when Elena emerges from the shower and she gives me the thumbs up and winks. She gets on the phone with Damon while I continue my conversation with Jesse, and I have to say that I kind of like it.
Jesse and I continue to talk on the phone every day for the next two weeks. We text a lot during the day, have a little face time when I meet him outside of Elena's class, then talk at night. He works up the courage to ask me out on a date and I say yes. We agree to dinner and a movie and although I'm having a mild panic attack about it, Elena keeps reassuring me that dinner and a movie is the perfect starter date. The movie entertains us and then gives us something to talk about during dinner, in case the conversation gets stale.
It's the Friday night before our Saturday date and I'm just trying not to obsess over it. My phone rings and my heart leaps because I think it's Jesse. Then it leaps in a totally different way when I see Damon's name on the screen. We haven't seen each other since the wedding and even though I've been spending time with someone else, I miss him like crazy.
"Hey stranger," I answer.
"You're the stranger," he remarks. "Where the hell have you been? I haven't seen you in like a month."
"You're such an exaggerator. It's been two weeks."
"Three."
"Two and a half."
"Whatever," he says. "Come over here tomorrow. We'll have Bonnie and Damon day. I've got pancakes and that electronic Monopoly that makes you feel like you're a billionaire. I won't even cheat."
It would take a crow bar to remove the smile from my face but I felt a prick of guilt. "As inviting as that sounds, I actually have plans tomorrow."
"Plans?" he asks, like I had said it in a foreign language. "What plans?"
"Plans," I repeat.
"What plans could be more important than me?"
"Believe it or not, I do have a life outside of you," I tease.
"Details, Bennett. Spill."
I know he's not going to let it go until I tell him, but I feel so awkward saying the words. He's going to tease me, for one. And for another, despite everything, I still have feelings for him. Even if he doesn't know it.
But I bite the bullet and say, "a date."
You can hear a pin drop on the other end of the line and my palms break into a sweat.
"A date," he says.
"Yes."
"With who?"
"Oh my God, none of your business," I groan.
"Jeremy?" he asks.
"No."
"Some new guy?"
"Yes."
"What's his name?"
"Damon, seriously, it's none of your business."
"It is my business. You're my business."
My heart tenses because I want him to mean that in the way I would mean it. But I know him well enough to know that he's just like a kid in a sandbox that doesn't want other people to play with his toys, even if he's not using them. I'm his witch, and probably his best friend, and he can't stand the thought of anyone taking even an iota of my attention off of him.
"I would say that's sweet, but you're not capable of sweetness," I say.
"I'm just trying to look out for you, Bon-Bon," he scoffs. "You have a history of liking douchebags."
"No shit," I mutter.
"Who is this guy anyway? Some moron you met at a frat party?"
I roll my eyes. "No, actually, I met him outside of a physics class because he's a teaching assistant there. He's a pre-med student with excellent grades and a great personality."
I can almost hear him seething over the phone.
"So he must be ugly, then."
And now my feelings are hurt.
"Right, because the only guy who would be interested in me would have to be ugly, right?" I say. He sounds like he's going to offer some half-assed apology but I cut him off. "Save it. You're a jackass."
I hang up, and he immediately calls back. I ignore him, and we do that three more times before I turn my phone off completely. My heart twists in that uncomfortable way that happens when someone you love hurts you. I've felt that way too often and I don't want to feel it anymore. I turn my phone back on and delete Damon's number. It doesn't really matter because I know his number my heart, but it's symbolic. I'm not going to let him get me down.
I continue to ignore him throughout the next day and definitely during my date with Jesse. I'm actually relieved how easy it is to forget Damon, until the text messages start rolling in:
if you would answer your phone you would know that i'm trying to apologize
stop being so damn stubborn! you drive me crazy with that. i'm sorry, ok
are you on your date now? who is this fuck face you're with? what's his name? tell him your friend is a vampire and i will rip his legs off his body and make him eat them if he messes with you
Okay, the last one makes me smile just a little bit. It's Damon's way of showing me that he cares and even though I want more that some brotherly protection bit, I guess I have to take what I can get.
he's not a fuck face, I respond. stop texting me. it's rude
stop ignoring me
I'm on a date, you idiot!
are you gonna kiss him?
OMG
omg yes or omg no?
OMG STOP TEXTING ME OR I WILL PUT A SPELL ON YOU TO MAKE YOUR DICK FALL OFF
The texts stop then, but I smile. Mostly because I won but also partly because we aren't fighting anymore.
The date with Jesse goes well. We don't kiss because he's a gentleman and I'm wary. I offer to hang out with Damon the next day but he's with Elena. It goes on like that for the next couple of weeks. Damon and I still talk and text every day, but we don't see each other. Every time he's free, I'm with Jesse. Every time I'm free, he's with Elena.
On our one-month "anniversary," which neither of us acknowledges because we haven't put a label on our relationship, Jesse comes over to my dorm and we snuggle up on my bed to watch Netflix on his computer. Elena's out and I don't expect her to come back, so when Jesse throws a blanket over us and nestles me against his body, I don't object. He smells as good as he looks and it's been so long since someone held me like this that I could actually cry.
I rest my head on his chest and enjoy the feeling of his hand gently caressing my back. It's nothing especially erotic but it's kind of turning me on. I look up at him to see him smiling softly at me and I go in for the kill. We've kissed before, made out too, but this turns into something deeper when our mouths are connected and our hands start exploring. He breaks away just long enough to put the laptop on the floor, then he crawls on top of me and we're at it again. It gets hot and heavy quickly, with sighs and moans and groping and thrusts. I'm so desperate for it, too. I need it. I need to feel that physical closeness with someone, even if it's not the person I really want.
Jesse takes his shirt off, then I do the same. I slip my hand behind my back and undo my bra and his eyes look hungry when my chest is bared to him. He goes to work immediately, taking one breast in his mouth and the other in his hand. I'm really feeling good, ready to hit the home run, when the door opens and Damon walks in. My head snaps to his direction and I shriek, causing Jesse to unlatch and throw the blanket over us.
Damon just stands there, like a statue, unmoving. He doesn't even blink. I'm too embarrassed and surprised to say anything, but luckily, Elena is right behind him and she is in the middle of saying something when she sees the situation.
"And then I called Caroline back and she said...oh my God!" she says. She quickly steps in front of Damon, who has yet to move, and says, "oh my God, guys, we are so sorry. I left my phone here. I had no idea you would be in here. We're leaving now!"
Elena walks backwards to get her phone, keeping her back to us on the bed, and then she ushers Damon out and closes the door behind her. Jesse drops his head to my shoulder.
"I guess the mood is kinda ruined, huh?" he asks.
"Kind of," I admit. "Rain check?"
"Definitely."
The rain check never comes, though. He calls me but I always find an excuse to not see him. I know it's wrong but I feel bad about Damon. I've been calling and texting and he won't answer and somehow, even though it's completely irrational, I feel guilty about the whole thing. Like I cheated on Damon somehow.
I feel that way for a few days.
Then my guilt turns into frustration. Then my frustration turns into anger.
I don't understand why the hell Damon won't answer my calls or messages, and one day after an early day of classes, I get in my car and drive all the way to his house. I slam the door to my Prius and march right into the study, where he's reading and drinking. He doesn't acknowledge my presence, even though I know he knows I'm there, and that only infuriates me more.
"What the hell is your problem?" I ask in something close to a yell.
He barely looks over the top of his book and dismisses me with a cut of his eyes.
"I don't have a problem," he says.
"Yeah, you obviously do. I've been calling and texting you and you won't respond to me. What's that about?"
"I was just trying not to interrupt your time with your boyfriend."
"Are you serious right now? What I do with Jesse doesn't have anything to do with my relationship with you."
"Apparently it does."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
He doesn't answer and I am literally beginning to see red.
"Damon, I swear, if you don't start saying something to me right now, this friendship is over. You don't get to be mad that I'm spending time with someone else. You don't own me."
He flips a page, then spares me a glance.
"I guess I just didn't realize that you were giving it away to the first guy you met."
And that does it. I lose every ounce of my cool and I summon my magic and rip the book out of his hands. I send it into the fireplace, not giving the slightest damn about whether it is a priceless classic or not. I walk closer to him, the fury building inside of me with each step.
"Fuck you."
He has the decency to look a little surprised when I say that.
"Fuck you. And fuck your crazy mother. And fuck your unstable, blood-addicted brother. Fuck Caroline. And fuck Elena. And fuck Jeremy. And fuck everyone else in this stupid waste of space town."
The words are coming out of my mouth as though they've been dripped in venom, and even I'm a little afraid of me.
"How dare you imply that," I say. "You know that's not true. And even if it were, I can decide what to do with my own body. Here's a newsflash for you, Damon; I'm a woman. I have desires and needs just like your precious Elena and just like Caroline. Nobody ever says shit to them about the guys they're with, but let me show interest in an actual nice, smart, decent, available guy, and now I'm spreading my legs all over town?"
At this point, I'm in his face and I'm screaming and he's sitting there, taking it. Unmoved. Unflinching.
"What's the matter, Damon? Are you afraid that if I like someone outside of our incestuous little group that maybe I'll wise up and stop risking my life for you? That I won't continue to drop everything I'm doing just to be at your beck and call?"
I wait for him to respond but he doesn't. I can feel the tingle in my eyes and I hate that I'm an angry crier.
"You were supposed to be my friend," I tell him. "You were supposed to care about me. But you're just like the rest of them. I'm just a tool to you. I'm just the girl that's supposed to sit quietly in my room and be all alone while you and Elena fuck each other's brains out. Heaven forbid that I want some attention of my own."
He still won't speak and his eyes are cast down to the ground so that he won't have to look at my enraged face.
"You don't want to talk to me?" I ask. "You don't want to take my calls or be an adult and actually tell me how you feel? Fine. Your wish is granted. Consider this stupid little friendship over."
I turn and walk towards the door, feeling my heart break with every step I take that he doesn't follow me. I get to the door, secretly hoping that he will stop me, but he doesn't. I decide to put it all out there, since I never want to see him again. Might as well get it off my chest.
"You know the messed up thing about all this?" I ask, my voice now shaky with tears. "The whole time I was with him, I wished that it was you."
I leave it there and walk away. I don't turn around to see his face because I don't care how he looks or how he feels. I get in my car and drive back to my dorm, wiping hot tears the whole time. I replay every moment we ever had that would make me feel something other than hate for him, and I regret each one of them. I wish I had never tried to save his brother. I wish he had never held my hand. I wish we hadn't spent any time together, and I wish like hell that I didn't love him.
I'm in a fog when I get back to the room. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't concentrate enough to do school work. I'm too sad to watch TV. I just want to lie down and wallow, so that's what I do. I don't move for hours. I'm tired but when the sun goes down, my eyes won't close. I have to do a spell just to put myself to sleep.
When I wake up, I'm still alone in the room and disappointment sweeps over me. In some naive cavity in my heart, I hoped that Damon would show up. But he doesn't. I want to cry with someone and spill my heart out, but there's no one. Elena isn't an option. Caroline is gone. Grams is dead. There's really only one person left. So I call my mom and ask if I can stay with her for a couple of days. She's more than thrilled to play mommy and tells me to stay as long as I want. I pack a bag with some clothes and when I open the door to leave, I jump back because he's standing in the way.
Damon.
He looks almost as bad as I feel. His eyes are tired and his body slumps. I try to walk past him but he slides in front of me, blocking my way.
"Move," I direct.
"I want to talk to you," he says in a voice more gentle that I can ever recall him using.
"We don't have anything to talk about."
"Yes, we do."
"No, we don't. I told you that our friendship is over."
"Fine, it's over. I still have some things to say to you."
"I don't care what you have to say."
I try to move past him again, but he blocks me.
"Move, or I'll move you," I threaten.
"Give me ten minutes," he says. "Then you can go wherever the hell it is you're going and I'll leave you alone forever, if that's what you want."
"It's what I want," I say, even though I don't mean it.
"Okay."
I know that I should just give him an aneurysm and step over his crippled body, but I don't. I tentatively take a step back, and he comes inside and closes the door. He looks at my bag.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
"To see Abby."
"For how long?"
"I don't know."
"Where is she these days?"
I snap and say, "you didn't come here to talk about my mother. Just say what you have to say and be done with it."
I expect him to snap back at me and for us to argue like cats and dogs, but he doesn't and we don't. He looks down, wrings his hands, shifts on his feet. He clears his throat and finally talks.
"I was wrong," he declares. He looks at me then. "I was wrong to say that stuff I said about you. I didn't mean it. I was just mad, I guess. I wanted to hurt your feelings."
"Mission accomplished."
He rolls his eyes. "Look, Bonnie, I was wrong and I admit that. But you were wrong, too."
"How do you figure that?"
"All those things you said about me not caring about you and not being your friend. That was wrong. I do care about you and I am your friend."
"You have a funny way of showing it."
"Yeah, I get it. I'm stupid. I'm a moron most of the times, but you're always there to pull me back and honestly, you're the only person around here that I respect. I don't always show it or say it but the fact is you're better than the rest of us. You're good. And smart. And you have no idea how pretty you are and that makes you completely down to earth. Even though I have a dumb way of doing it sometimes, I want to protect you. Okay? That's all. That's why I was mean to you and why I said that stuff and I'm sorry."
My anger melts slightly after his confession, but it doesn't change anything. He cares about me, sure. I'm still the one with unrequited feelings and it still sucks.
"Fine."
That's all I say before I turn around and head for the door. I open it, only to have Damon speed up behind me and shut it again. I turn around, ready to yell, but I stop short when I realize that he has me pinned against the door, with his hands on either side of my head. I maintain my mad face even though it's hard to be angry when his scent is assaulting my nostrils and making me want him.
"I wasn't done," he says in something close to a growl.
"Then finish, so I can go," I growl back.
"You were wrong about something else, too," he says. "I don't want you to be with Jesse, or anyone else for that matter. But it's not because I think you won't be at my beck and call. It's not because I see you as an object."
"Then why is it?" I ask.
His fierce blue eyes fall to my lips and I am totally floored when he whispers, "because I'm jealous."
That is literally the last thing I expected him to say, and my mind is trying to make sense of it all.
"What?" I whisper.
He removes one hand from the door and strokes my cheek with his thumb.
"I want you for myself," he confesses. "I want you, Bonnie."
I shake my head and try to push him away.
"Stop it," I say. "This isn't funny. This is cruel, even for you."
"I'm not playing with you."
"If you wanted me, you would have stopped me from leaving. You would chased me down. You would have shown up in the middle of the night to tell me you feel the same way I do. But you didn't. You're only here now, saying what you think you have to say to get me to stay."
He half-smiles. "First of all, you've been watching way too many shitty Lifetime movies if that's how you think a man tells a woman that he loves her. And secondly, I didn't do any of those things because I figured I should break up with Elena first before I confessed my feelings to her best friend."
He's still stroking my cheek and it's only upon the mention of Elena that any of this seems real.
"You...you told her?" I ask.
"Yeah."
"What did she say?"
"She slapped me," he says as he tucks some hair behind my ear. "A few times. She yelled at me. Cried a little. But in the end, she said she saw it coming and told me that if I hurt you, she'll kill me herself. Not exactly an endorsement but it could have been worse."
I blink, mostly because I don't know what else to do. I've imagined this moment happening so many times and in so many different ways in my head, that now that it's here, I'm speechless.
"Say something," he says.
"I don't know what to say."
"Then do something."
"What..."
Before I can ask what he means, his lips are on mine. I'm shocked for a second, then I come to my senses and kiss him back. He takes my face in both his hands and shows me all the reasons that the rumors about his kissing skills are true. His tongue is the perfect pressure, perfect amount and I shiver a little as a moan creeps out. I can only imagine what he might do with that tongue on other areas of my body.
Our lips separate with a smack and he presses his forehead to mine.
"Stay," he says.
Although he sounds confident, the roundness of his eyes tells me that he's worried I won't stay. He's worried that all of this is too little, too late and that he's not enough. I want to tell him that he's more than enough, that he's everything to me. But I don't, because we're not like that. Not yet anyway. So I say the the one word that can convey how I feel to him, in just the right way.
"Okay."
