As I ran, I knew I never could stay with my family. I didn't want to be around anyone. Couldn't be around anyone. I had to run and keep running. I would stop when I knew no one was around and then…that's just it. I didn't know what I would do. Life seemed so meaningless.
The pain that was in her eyes would haunt me forever and I knew I would never be the same. I wanted the best for her. The way Jasper had reacted was as I had said, it was expected. Had it not happened sooner it would have happened later.
Alice, my sister, had begged to stay in Forks but Jasper had already left. Knowing that she would fallow him wherever he went. Poor Alice was broken. I made her promise though. She had to promise to not look for Bella's future. Ever.
Even now, as I stopped in a cave close to Arizona, I knew I had to stay here. For the urge to turn back and apologize for all the cruel words I had said to her. All the lies I had said to her.
The picture of her came floating into my mind again. This time it was worse. I had not felt pain in so long but somehow, the pain flew from her eyes and into me and my heart began to ace. Though there was no heartbeat. Though there was no way it could happen, It felt like my heart had stopped again. Or was torn from my chest.
It was saddening to think that I had done this much damage to the women I loved dearly but I knew it was for the best. But for who? Was it best for me or was it best for her. Or, was it not even the best, for both of us. Had this been the wrong choice?
The questions and guilt flew around together in my head until I thought that I would die from the sure amount of information flying through my head. That my head couldn't possibly hold this much more thoughts without exploding.
Though, it wasn't my head that exploded. It was my heart, braking into a million tinny fragments and piercing my chest. I fell to my knees in more pain then I had ever felt in my life. How cold she have caused all this? It couldn't have been me who had done this but…it had. As much as I didn't want to admit it was my fault, it was.
I was the one who had decided that I would leave, that I would save her the pain when in fact I had actually only added to it. I knew how miserable she was before, how her life seemed to be in a black whole. But, I saved her from it. And now, what was I doing? I was throwing her back into it, farther and farther out of reach.
Maybe…maybe I would go back. Maybe I would beg for her forgiveness and repeat how stupid I was to have run from her. The one I truly loved…the one I couldn't live without…the one I wanted to spend all eternity with but not damn her to the same life I led. She was and still was my sol mate. And no matter if I fond someone-though that was terribly unlikely-she would never be like her. Like Isabella mare Swan, the women of my dreams.
