"Callie, can you please hand me that knife", Stef asks in a calm voice, never taking her eyes off of me.
I just stand there, unsure of what to do. I'm almost 100% positive that I'm going to be sent back to juvie. I messed up. Again. I could not let this happen, Jude didn't deserve this. He deserved this home. This family. My mind is racing as I try to come up with an escape plan and I almost missed Stef talking to me.
"Callie, it's okay. You are not in trouble. Nothing will happen. Just please, hand me the knife and we will go from there." She sounds pleading.
I looked up to her and saw concern and worry in her eyes. I hesitate but slowly give the knife to Stef'. I don't know what to do so I stand there awkwardly. Running away crosses my mind once or twice but I know Stef would have no problem with catching me. She is a cop, after all.
"Let's go inside, it's much warmer, shall we?", she asks. I follow her inside, never taking my eyes up from the ground. This was not good. I could still feel the cuts bleeding beneath the paper but I'm too scared to take a look. I pass the kitchen when I feel someone to grab my arm. I jerk away and pull my hand to my chest, gazing around.
"Woah, it's just me Callie. Let's have a seat in the living room." It was an order and I'm too scared not to obey, I follow her. Stef takes a seat on a couch, probably hoping I would join her, but I sit in a chair that is opposite the couch. I was still not looking up at her. I actually didn't know what to expect, I had never been caught cutting myself before.
"Callie, I won't hurt you, I wish you would believe this by now", Stef says in a quiet voice.
I want to believe her, I really do. It's just so hard. I have been let down so many times in the past that I see everyone as an enemy. However, I lift my eyes from the ground for the first time and study Stef. She does look worried, and not mad at all. She looks like a mother who is concerned for her child's well being. It can't get any worse, can it, I think myself.
"I guess you're still waiting for that other shoe to drop, aren't you, Love"?, Stef asks when I still don't say anything.
"I understand why, though, but Callie, it's not going to drop. Nothing is going to happen to you, or Jude for that matter. We love you and we want to help you."
I stare at her for a second, open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.
Stef rises from the couch and kneels down in front of me, placing her hands on my knees.
"I'm not going anywhere, take your time, sweetheart", she reassures me with a small smile on her face. Tears start to form in my eyes and I want to wipe them away before they drop but I find it difficult to move my hands. I'm so tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of keeping the secrets. I'm tired of fighting. I'm ready to talk. And talk I do.
The sun has risen and I can hear movements upstairs when I finish my story. My cheeks are wet from tears and I'm emotionally drained. It's taken me hours to spill everything. We have moved to couch and I'm now sitting on Stef's lap, being hugged by her. We don't talk, we just sit there quietly.
"Callie, love, how are you feeling? You have been very still", Stef asks me.
I think for a moment.
"I.. I don't know. Tired, I guess. I'm still trying to process the fact that I have finally told someone. That I'm not alone in this anymore. I don't feel relieved just yet but I feel a little bit better if that even makes any sense", I mumble, not looking at my foster mom.
Stef hugs me tightly.
"That's understandable. I'd like to keep you home today, if you let me. I just want to make sure you are alright. And you do need to sleep", she adds. I have no energy left in me to argue.
"What about the others. Will they have to know?" I ask suddenly, panic in my voice.
"Well, I do have to tell Lena as you know, but the kids don't have to know. Not until you are ready to tell them, okay?"
To this, I just nod too tired to use my words. I know Stef doesn't approve but this time she doesn't say anything.
"Hey, what's up? Everything okay here?", I hear Lena say. I didn't hear her coming downstairs, so wrapped up I was in my own head. I shrug, because I don't know what else to say. I simply look at Stef to seek for help. Stef looks at me before opening her mouth to talk, but never taking her eyes off of mine.
"Well, Callie here has told me some stuff about her past. We have agreed she stays home today as she didn't get much sleep last night. You have a late morning, yes?", she asks her wife.
Lena studies me for a moment before answering Stef.
"Yes, I don't need to be at school until 11AM today, though I was thinking of dropping the kids off."
"That's fine, we can talk after that. I'm now taking Callie upstairs and I'll check on the monkeys.", she says as she lifts us both up. I'm so exhausted that I almost fall down, having no strength in my legs. But luckily Stef is there to steady me. Lena watches us as we pass by her, she strokes my hand and presses a kiss on my forehead. I smile at her and she smiles back.
"Go sleep, sweetheart and we'll talk later." she says. She, too sounds worried.
I just nod and head upstairs with Stef. The others are getting ready for school and I hear Jude chatting happily with Jesus about skateboarding. How am I gonna explain everything to him? He's too young to understand and most likely will blame himself for what happened to me.
The panic starts to arise but Stef senses it and whispers in to my ear.
"Don't you worry about Jude, Lena and I will tell him." I don't like the idea but I really don't have a choice. First Stef's voice leaves me no room for arguments and second I wouldn't even know what or how to tell him... We walk to the room I share with Mariana and Stef sits us both on my bed. She watches me and looks like she wants to say something. I'm right.
"Callie, there is something I need to discuss with you before you go to sleep. Show me your cuts, please.", she says in a voice that leaves me no other options. I was hoping she wouldn't remember but I should have known better. Reluctantly I lift my sleeve and show the damage in arm. She takes a sharp breath. I lower my eyes ashamed. My arms are disgusting, and that's why I always wear a long sleeve. No one has ever questioned me about it.
"Oh Callie! Are these all by self harm?" she asks after a while.
"No, just the fresh ones. The others were made by other foster parents or siblings." I lie, I can't tell the truth.
"I was just so overwhelmed with my emotions after the flashback and I wanted the pain go away. I swear I have never done it before!" I say in a rush. I need her to believe me, more than anything. I look up to her and try to look as convenient as possible. She studies me a moment before hugging me tightly. I inhale her motherly scent.
"Promise me, you'll not do it again, yes? Promise me that you'll come to me or Lena if you ever feel that way again, okay love?" she asks almost whispering. It sounds like she's near the tears, voice cracking.
"I will, I promise." I say. But deep down I know telling won't make the feeling, the need to cut go away. I tried it once and it ended badly.
Stef rises from my bed and heads to bathroom. I can hear her taking something from the counter and when she enters the bedroom again I see the antiseptic gauze and some cotton pads in her hands. I sigh, I really wish she wouldn't hover. I can take care of myself and the cuts aren't even that deep. I stare at her when she gets closer.
"Let's take care of this so those don't become infected, shall we? I don't think they need stitches, just a proper cleaning." she says in that same motherly tone that I have heard so many times today. I want to protest, I don't need it and the pain is not even that bad, but I'm too tired to fight. I give her my arm and she cleans it up in no time. I go lay down under the blanket, feeling very tired all of sudden.
"Sleep well, my love, and don't worry. You'll be okay. We are in this together." I just hum to this, not bothering to answer her. She gives me a kiss on my forehead and just when she is about to close the door, I find myself talking to her.
"I'm sorry", I say in a very quiet voice, so quiet that I'm sure she won't hear me. But she does.
"What for, love?", she asks.
"For making you lose sleep and needing to deal with this. With me."
"Oh, Callie, do not worry about me. I rather lose endless nights and make sure you are okay, than sleep soundly when you're hurting. You are not something to 'deal with'. You are not disposal, Callie. You are not worthless. You are my daughter and it's my job to make sure you're safe and okay, understand?, she comes next to my bed.
I nod, but I'm too tired to really pay attention to what she is saying.
"Thank you."
"Shh, sleep now, sweetheart." I'm asleep before she leaves the room.
