May 2010: The night after Dom died Kensi drove straight to Casey's and woke up Winter just to hold her.

Winter hugged her back and made snorfling sounds like she was ready to fall right back asleep. "I'm okay, Mommy," she said.

Kensi said, "I know, I just like the reminder." Winter fell asleep while Kensi petted her hair.

Casey came in to Winter's room, less irritated than he'd been when she showed up. He brought a blanket and a pillow he put on the floor next to Winter's low bed. "You can stay here, bring her to school tomorrow."

"Thanks," Kensi said. She fell asleep in an awkward position, her hand in Winter's hair.

Casey came into Winter's room five hours later and woke her up. "I can't believe you were really sleeping on the floor. Come on," he said.

Kensi rose up and kissed him. He kissed back. They fit together so well. He was always, every time they were together like that, the exact right mix of tender and fucking. She gripped his back and didn't think of Dom at all.

She felt together and melted all at once. She even smiled for a minute. She must have looked happy.

Casey said, "I wish I could do that like you."

She closed her eyes. Casey post-coital was weirdly insecure and mean. She knew it, he was always like that ever since they broke up. The sex balanced it out, generally. It was a lot to take today of all days."You're always mad at me," she said. She wanted to curl into a ball and never come out.

"I loved you, you didn't love me, it makes me upset sometimes," he said.

She sighed. She said, "I don't get why you always believe that. I loved you."

He said, "Really." He sat up with his back to her.

"Really," she said. She sat up and leaned against him, her cheek on his shoulder blade. "Really, really, really. My father left and Jack left and I was convinced that everyone left me until you. You never left me. Even with all my crazy and your crazy, we stuck together."

"I am not technically crazy," he said. He shifted slightly. "I have very little crazy."

"I don't mean the crazy you worry about," Kensi said. "I mean your weird thing where you think I never loved you and where you think I never got over Jack."

"He has a kid now," Casey said. "He's married, with a child. Living in Afghanistan, by the way. He signed up with a private contractor and then quit, converted to Islam."

She laid back and nearly laughed. "Of course he did. And of course you found out." Unbelievably ridiculous, it had to be true. He left her and her help and he found what he needed with someone else in Afghanistan. She could be so useless.

"You know who else knows that? Your boss Hetty Lange." He laid back as well. They were naked, shoulder to shoulder on his bed with his expensive sheets. It was like he could sense her mood because he stopped talking.

"I'm sorry your friend died." At least, in his heart, Casey was a decent person. That she used to love.

"Me, too," she said.

She stared at the ceiling and said, "I wish you really could find out anything."

"No one can actually do that," he said. In the pitch dark of the room she could tell he was on his side, talking to her hair. "The Jack stuff was pretty easy."

Casey was the one who wanted the baby. Kensi had been abandoned by Jack and Casey was just this guy, this guy who managed to make her feel something sometimes so Kensi had looked at the stick and thought mostly nothing. Casey, though, he was shocked and then he was thrilled. She smiled back at him because he was smiling and like everything since Jack left her, she followed where she was pushed.

Nate and Casey and her mother all pointed out she was utterly wrong when she described herself that way, but Kensi still thought it was true.

She was six months along before she really grasped that she was about to be a mom. She panicked and freaked out. She even called her mother for the first time since she was 14.

So having Winter was eventually something Kensi really wanted, she was sure, she had no regrets, but she always felt like Casey wanted it more. Even after Winter was born, even while Kensi was breastfeeding, even with all the love and how overwhelming it could be, Kensi was pretty sure Casey was the one who loved her best.

He had primary custody, she got weekends and every other Wednesday. He went where her work sent her, not for Kensi, but because he thought Kensi was good for Winter.

"Sometimes I just don't think he's right," Kensi said.

Nate looked down at his desk. "Do you ever think there's something incredibly sexist about the anxiety you have about this? If you were Winter's father, would you think you were a bad father? You have this idea of how a mother is supposed to be, and since you're not, you turn it into guilt and this neverending loop of how you don't want to be a mother even though you clearly do and are."

Nate's voice had an edge Kensi wasn't used to. "I know you're talking to everyone about how they feel about Dom," Kensi said. "But who is talking to you? You knew him, too. You liked him."

"You were his partner and you're in here, deflecting any talk about your feelings by talking about this. Which you do all the time, Kensi."

Nate really was upset, apparently. "These are my feelings," she said. "I didn't realize my feelings only counted when they were what you wanted."

"I know," he said. Nate rubbed his eyes. "Sorry." He said, "Did you ever think that maybe Casey is more invested to you because of the difference in your backgrounds, the relationships you have with your parents?"

Casey would have been, was already and always angry about how much NCIS knew about him. He would have been super pissed to hear Nate saying that.

"That's not it," she said. "You are upset about Dom."

"I am," Nate said. "Of course I am. And you are, too, and we should talk about that."

"What is there to say? I'm sad. I think I failed him. We all think we failed him. We're probably all right," she said.

September 2010: Kensi said, "Mine's five, they grow up so fast." Emma smiled back and Kensi kept lying about how hard it was being a working mom. Kensi didn't actually find it hard at all. She knew Winter was taken care of, she loved her job. Winter was safe and loved and Kensi got to be an NCIS agent and save the world.

The next day Deeks said, "You do have a five year old, right?"

"A kid? Yeah, I do," she said. "Who told you?"

"Was it some kind of state secret? I'm a detective, I'm a very good detective, I keep my ear to the ground and I talk to everyone."

"Was it Helen in HR?"

"Yes it was," he said, grinning. "So what's her name?"

She rolled her eyes. "We're not going to bond here," Kensi said.

"Well, certainly not over having a kid, because I am not a parent. I like kids, though. I bet I'd like your kid a lot."

He didn't sound like a perv when he said it, so she said, "Florence Winter Michaels. We call her Winter. Florence, the first time Casey, her father, and I met, we talked about Florence, Italy, where neither of us had been. You're going to make fun of that now, right?"

"I absolutely am not. Great reason to name your kid Florence. Michaels, not Blye?"

Kensi shrugged. "That's the way it works," she said.

"Even for you?"

"Yes, even for me. What does that mean?"

"Kensi Bad Ass Blye, you are a tough as nails woman who loved her daddy very much, I feel like you would have insisted on Blye somewhere in the kid's name." Deeks paused. "Unless you're saving it for a boy."

"I was not. Have you been talking to Nate? I'm not sexist," Kensi said.

She'd finally called her mom and admitted the stupid awful thing that had been nagging her since she was 18, that her Blye grandparents had kept every communication from her mother away from Kensi. Her mom felt bad, Kensi felt bad. Kensi was 6 months pregnant and her mom was a godsend who flew in and stayed with her until Winter was 5 months old. Kensi would do that for Winter, she would in a heartbeat. It helped that Winter didn't need that right now, Kensi thought to herself.

Her mother had told her why she had left Don, the real reason. Kensi was still trying to figure out black ops and the gentle, honorable man she had known. Michaels was a good last name. Totally fictional, something Casey had picked largely at random. It had nothing attached to it.

November 2010: "Sorry," she said to Deeks as she pulled up at his apartment. "There was traffic, and -"

Deeks looked in the back seat and jumped in, grinning. "Hello, you must be Winter."

"I am," Winter said from the backseat. "You must be someone who works with Mommy."

"I am," Deeks said. "I'm Marty. Does she ever say anything about me?"

"No," Winter said. "Mommy never talks about work."

"Of course, she's a mommy of mystery," Deeks said. "So what do you guys talk about?"

"Deeks," Kensi said. The traffic was insane. Even for LA, it was insane. She could not tolerate being late and her stupid surfer boy partner interrogating her baby girl.

"We talk about me," Winter said. "I'm very interesting."

"I agree," Deeks said. "How's kindergarten treating you?"

"First grade," Winter said, placidly.

"I thought you were five."

"I am five," she said. "I never went to kindergarten."

Deeks said, "Didn't need to learn anything there, huh?"

"She was reading at 4 in 3 languages," Kensi said, not even trying not to sound smug.

Deeks nodded. "Which 3 languages, FW?"

Winter laughed uproariously at FW. She had a weird sense of humor. Kensi said, "English, Spanish and Hungarian."

"Hey, FW, why Hungarian?"

Kensi said, "Her dad's family is from Hungary, he speaks it a little."

"But you speak it a lot, Kens, right," Deeks said.

"Yeah," Winter said. "Mommy speaks a lot of languages. She reads my bedtime stories in a new one each time. I know a little of everything, too."

Deeks said to Winter, "Do you know jokes in Russian?"

"No," Winter said. "I know some in Spanish, wanna hear them?"

"So much," Deeks said. He really was good with kids. Winter told him two juvenile jokes in Spanish. Deeks laughed at both of them.

"Did your mom teach you those?" Deeks smirked at Kensi.

"No," Winter said. "Mommy doesn't know many jokes."

"Couldn't agree more," Deeks said.

"Deeks thinks I'm not very funny," Kensi said.

Deeks said, "I'm Deeks, by the way, Winter. I'm sure you knew that. But I am Marty Deeks, in case you were wondering."

"MD," Winter shrieked.

Deeks laughed as hard as Winter. She didn't get why it was so funny but she wasn't five, unlike Winter and Deeks.

Then Winter said, "Mommy is funny, though. Mommy is funny. You just don't get her jokes, I bet."

Kensi got a warm glow from that. It was sweet when Winter stood up for her. They were finally at Winter's school so Kensi pulled in and got out of the car to help Winter out of her car seat.

"Mommy," Winter said. She said, in perfect Hungarian, "I am not a small bunny."

"You are a large rat," Kensi said, also in Hungarian. They both giggled. They had identical laughs. Winter had called her funny and they laughed the same. It was frightening how happy that made Kensi. She kissed Winter on the cheek and stood on the sidewalk until Winter was met by a teacher at the door.

"Man," Deeks said. "Your kid is awesome."

"I agree," Kensi said. They were working on trust now. He had offered to let her hold his gun so she could pick him up and let him be in the car with her daughter.

January 2011: Deeks said, "Do you take Winter to shul or church or the local mosque?"

"You're still thinking about Yusef," Kensi said. "And we don't take her anywhere. I'm not religious, Casey's not religious." She shrugged. "Why do you always ask me about Winter when we're in the car? Is this because you think I should let you drive?"

"No," Deeks said. He almost sounded wounded. "I dunno, it just seems like you don't talk about her when we're in the bullpen."

"Callen and Sam know," she said. "It's not a huge secret. It's secret, but definitely not you and me secret. There is no you and me secret. There are no you and me secrets."

"I thought we were becoming friends," Deeks said. "Bonding on our personal lives."

"Bonding on my personal life, my daughter," Kensi said. "Now I think I'm upset."

"Please, you refuse to let me talk about my personal life and all the beautiful women I date."

"Beautiful and not very picky," Kensi said.

"You wish you were one of them," Deeks said, joking.

"I do not," she said, laughing. "I so do not. I pity those poor girls."

"You do not," Deeks said. "Is it hard dating with a kid?"

"I can't take her to bars, so it's not like we can double date," Kensi said, laughing at her own joke. "It's harder finding someone given that I have to lie to everyone, even my oldest friends."

"Yeah, but when it's just for a week or something, it's not that bad."

"Of course you think that," Kensi said. "Maybe I want a relationship."

"But you don't," Deeks said. "Do you? If you want a relationship, you should start with me. You don't have to lie to me."

"Maybe I want a human, not a dog."

"Ouch," Deeks said. "I have a dog."

"I've met Monty, multiple times, I know you have a dog," Kensi said. "Winter still asks about him." From one car ride 6 weeks ago. Deeks had met Winter four times, all unintentional on Kensi's part, and he'd charmed Winter to the point even Casey wanted to meet him.

"A little girl needs a pet," Deeks said.

"No, she really doesn't," Kensi said.

"You didn't have a dog growing up, I see," Deeks said.

"Actually, no," Kensi said. "Casey's not in favor of a pet, either, and he has her more than me."

Deeks was quiet for a bit. He said, "Maybe if he met Monty."

February 2011: Kensi looked at her phone. She was mildly intoxicated and drunk enough she even said it out loud: "booty call."

She looked at her phone and thought that while Casey would answer her booty call, she would be an ass to do it. They would have sex and have awkward conversations all over again and she wasn't up for it. It was mean to him because he had taken a lot longer than her to get over them.

She had a stray thought about calling Deeks. He had a great body. He would make her laugh. But they had had an actual serious conversation earlier that day. He'd said, "So you know all about PTSD, we never talked about that."

"Took you two months to finally ask about that," Kensi had said. She'd told him back in December that she did know where Jack was but she hadn't said anything more. It still stung that Hetty knew and had never told her. She'd meant to, in the back of her head, since that day to tell him about Jack but then in the front of her head she wondered why she gave a damn what Deeks knew.

She had said, "I also know the complete diagnostic criteria for bipolar disorder. Both of Casey's parents had it. He was convinced he was going to get it, too. Is convinced. There's a genetic component, they think. He made me memorize what to look out for," she had said. She was smiling.

"Like the stress of parenthood would trigger it?"

"Yeah," Kensi had said. "I don't know, he doesn't have it. He has not developed it."

"So, bipolar and PTSD. That's quite the niche category for Jeopardy, Kens."

The conversation had been serious and then he pulled it back after he started it. No calling Deeks. She was very precise in her thoughts when she was drunk.

She had slept with Callen one time, once. When she was in Japan and he was just in the NCIS, she thought. She wasn't sure now. He was an agent and she was an agent and they had sake. She and Casey had just broken up. It was good. It was really good. She remembered he woke her up when he was leaving in the middle of the night. He'd said, "You really have a kid?"

"I don't believe it sometimes myself," she'd said.

When they met again when she was assigned to OPS, they'd never talked about it. They had one moment of something like just looking at each other and acknowledging and they never talked about it or had to. Sometimes she forgot it had even happened. Probably he did, too.

Until she was drunk and thinking about a booty call.

She went to sleep with the phone in her hand, no one to call.

March 2011: "Not like fancy pants little Kensi's girl with her horse riding lessons," Sam said, laughing. They were all sitting at their desks in the bullpen, just the four of them left at the end of the day.

"I made her take those, she has to get outside, it was the only way," Kensi said. "She doesn't play sports. She does ballet and takes piano classes."

Deeks said, "So she isn't a tomboy like her mommy."

"I don't need her to be a tomboy," Kensi said.

"But you don't want her to take ballet," Callen said.

"Ballet is a good class to take. It's very disciplined," Sam said. "Winter likes her classes?"

"Yeah," Kensi said. "Doesn't Kamran play sports?"

"No, not really," Sam said.

Callen said, "Soccer not disciplined enough for you? Or do you just not think it's a real sport?"

"It's a real sport," Sam said.

"Agreed," Deeks said.

"What Kamran does is not sport. She and her friends they run around the field, sometimes they kick the ball, sometimes they don't. It's not disciplined."

"Unlike ballet," Deeks said. "I never pegged you for a ballet aficionado, Sam."

"You ever actually watched ballet? I have. You'd be on your knees worn out in five minutes," Sam said.

"The point is, I just want Winter to go outside and play. Like I did," Kensi said. "It's a good way to grow up."

Deeks said, "Worried she won't be able to wire a house?" He smirked at her. She couldn't believe he remembered that.

"Actually I'm not worried at all," Kensi said. "We'd both teach her that. But I used to be outdoors all the time and I didn't like skirts and, in conclusion, my daughter is not me."

"It's awful, isn't it?" Sam laughed.

She was still thinking about it when it was time to take Winter clothes shopping. She was using her child support credit card. "You made a big fuss about how you make your own money and don't need child support but the reality is I make very valuable spy toys and gadgets for the US government and so did my mom and I have way more money than you so I think our daughter should be able to get nice clothes or whatever without you having to starve," is how Casey put it. Kensi had asked why they were buying Winter things that cost enough that Kensi would starve if she paid for it, and Casey had rolled his eyes.

But Kensi had the card and they were at an expensive children's clothing store in Hollywood. Kensi was pretty sure she recognized the mother shopping two feet away from an episode of CGIS.

"Okay, kiddo, we need some pants -"

"Nope," Winter said. "I don't like pants. Just for horse riding. That's all I need pants for. And I'm not too big for those."

"Don't you want pants? I like pants better than skirts," Kensi said. "It's nice to have a mix of things."

"Nope," Winter said.

"No more saying nope. Say no, be respectful," Kensi said.

"Oookay," Winter said. "I like skirts."

"When I was a kid, I wore pants all the time because I was outside and bicycling and hiking and camping with my dad."

"Dad does not like camping. Just you like it, Mommy. Sorry." Winter looked up, not very apologetic. She looked so much like her dad. Sometimes, when Winter looked very very solemn, Kensi could see Donald Blye in her.

"How about some boxing," Kensi said. "Have you ever thought about boxing? It's pretty fun to learn."

"Hitting things?" Winter smiled. "I like that! We're not allowed to hit people, you said."

"This is just practice," Kensi said. Finally, something Kensi could do with her daughter. "It'll be fun."

"So now I can get all skirts and dresses?"

"Yes, baby," Kensi said.