A/n: Again, please forgive me for the crazy, dumb, randomness of this. I don't guarantee that it's funny, but apparently people out there like it, so I decided to continue, at least another part. It's all very insane and out of character…or exaggerating their in character-ness. ;) If that makes any sense. I assure you, I am actually a better writer than this…I certainly hope I am anyway. I can usually write humor better than this, but just not this kind I guess. :)
Back on the island, we see Jack pacing in the bear cage. Tom approaches with a sandwich and shoves it through the bars.
"I only like the ones Juliet makes for me." Jack pouted with a scowl.
"Well, too bad."
He started eating the sandwich anyway. "Who was that woman who was checking me out?"
"What?"
"Who was with Juliet."
"Uh…That'd be the sheriff."
"You have a sheriff? Are you the deputy?" He began singing 'I Shot the Sheriff' badly and off key.
"No! And not literally, Stupid." He rolled his eyes, muttering something about crazy doctors.
"Why are you moving Juliet into my room? Do I get to move in too?" He asked, eyes wide.
"She's in trouble, Jack."
"She is?" He frowned. "…Is she in time out?" He asked solemnly.
Tom rolled his eyes again. "Now don't try anything stupid. Stay put in this cage, okay?"
"Why can't you just watch me on that cool camera over there?"
"Oh, right. I totally forgot. Ben told me you got into the surveillance room." He seemed to perk up. "Sawyer and Kate, huh? Lemme tell ya, if anyone were made for each other it was them. They go together like peanut butter and jelly, cookies and milk, bologna and watermelon."
By this time Jack was sobbing hysterically, but at that he stopped.
"Bologna and watermelon?" He sniffed, glancing up. "Why didn't Juliet ever bring me that?"
"I don't…uh…"
"Thanks for the sandwich anyway." He said glumly.
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Cut to Sawyer, Kate and Karl in the canoe.
"YAY! The island! I, uh-I mean, I never thought I'd be happy ta see this rock again."
"What are you doing?"
"What does it look like? I'm going home! I mean…I'm heading into shore."
"Why? If we just keep going we can circle round. Sooner or later we'll get to camp. We can tell Locke and Sayid what happ-"
"Oh, we will, huh? Do you and Sayid and Locke have something going on?"
"What? No!"
"Then why did you pick Sayid and Locke, huh?"
"I don't know, because-"
"YOU DO LOVE THEM!"
"Well, Sayid's okay, but Locke-"
"See, Karl? NOBODY LOVES ME!"
"Uh…I'll steer."
"No." He snapped. "You'll come ashore and we'll make camp, FAR away from yer precious Sayid and Locke. You can build a campfire while I carry the kid."
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Cut to Kate, Sawyer and Karl around a campfire.
Sawyer offered Kate a piece of fruit. "Do you want a mango?"
"No, it reminds me too much of Sayid. He used to get me mangoes all the time."
Sawyer began crying.
"I was kidding, James. I ain't hungry."
"I hate you!"
"You shouldn't fight." Karl cut in.
"Can't you see we're busy?"
"You shouldn't fight because you're lucky to be alive"
"I wanna be dead! She's in love with-"
"No, I'm not! I love you!" Kate shouted.
"What?" Sawyer asked softly, looking up.
"I love you!"
Sawyer pulled Kate into his arms and began kissing her passionately.
"Uh, guys?" He asked.
They ignored him.
"GUYS?"
"Kate, I love you." Sawyer breathed.
"I…love you too." She whispered back and kissed him more. "I'm sorry."
"You don't got nothin ta be sorry for."
"Ahh! Stop! My eyes, it burns!" Karl screamed, covering his face with his hands.
Ten Minutes Later
"If ya waned us ta stop, all ya had ta do was say so." Sawyer smirked, surprisingly back in character.
"I was screaming for more than five minutes straight." He said through gritted teeth.
Kate shook her head. "So…That island we were on -- is that where your people live?"
"Just where we work." He said, peeking out at them, then quickly shutting his eyes.
"Work on what?"
"Projects." He answered, more sure this time as he removed his hands from his face.
"Well, sure, like the steal-the-kid-off-the-raft project. That was real fun, now wasn't it? We should do that again sometime."
Kate and Karl ignored him. "So, you don't actually live on that island?"
"That old place? There's not even a Starbucks, are you kidding me?"
"Do you live here on this island?"
"Yes, ma'am. Best coffee for miles around."
Kate made a mental note to find that Starbucks very, very soon. "And what did you do with the people that you took - the kids?"
"We give them a better life."
"Better than what?"
"Better than yours."
"How is it better than-"
'Two words. Coffee everyday."
"Isn't that three-" Sawyer began.
"It's a compound word so it doesn't count as three." Karl corrected.
"Oh, thanks Mr…uhm, Grammar Guy, I-"
Karl looked up, unfazed by Sawyer. "There's not going to be any moon tonight. It'll be dark. Me and Alex used to lie in my backyard at night and think up names for the constellations. You can't see it yet, but right there will be Ursa Theodorus - the Teddy Bear. And also, the Giant Hippo-Bird riding a horse, through the jungle, in the winter, with a snowman and-"
"Wait a second. You have backyards?"
"Yeah."
"So…can you show me that Hippo Bird thingie?"
End of Pt. 2A/n: I'm not really confident about this fic at all, but if someone out there finds it funny, please tell me. I'm just typing whatever pops into my head and so far people have enjoyed it so I'm continuing. Please review if you like it, otherwise I'll just delete it. Thanks!
