A/N: This brief outtake is an Edward POV of the end of his date with Bella in the chapter "In the Garage." This is just something I wrote for myself to work out his reaction to playing for Bella.
Oh, and I don't own anything except an old Expedition and an awesome gaming laptop.
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EPOV
When I stepped out of the kitchen with glasses of water for both Bella and me, she was sitting on the couch studying my guitar across the room. Again.
I took a moment to enjoy the sight of her. She always looked beautiful, but tonight she was exceptionally tempting. Her sweater fit loosely, but the thin material made it cling, exposing her tantalizing curves. It was much lower cut than I'd ever seen her wear, and she obviously had a hard time keeping that fact in mind as it gaped open each time she bent forward. I'd had to struggle to compose myself when she first leaned over to roll dice at the comic shop, giving me a glimpse of the white satin bra cupping her silky flesh.
The mere memory rejuvenated the hard on I'd been trying to ignore all night. It was incredibly difficult to behave like a gentleman when all I wanted to do was –
Good fucking god, Cullen. Get your mind out of the gutter.
I blinked and took a deep breath, walking down the short hallway as I tried to clear my mind. I composed myself as best I could by thinking of the fun I'd had with Bella rather than just the many, many ways she tempted me physically.
Our date had been incredible, and I was still a little baffled that she'd wanted to come back here to spend more time with me. I'd thought for sure my confession about my idiocy with Jasper would make her angry – or that my barely concealed lust would've driven her away.
Like so many times before, she shocked me. I was often amazed that we could have so much in common, and I could feel like I knew her so well – and yet there were so many things about her I didn't expect. It definitely kept things interesting. I found myself wanting to spend every moment I could with her, just to get to know her better.
Bella noticed me coming in, and I handed her the glass of water, teasing her when she looked surprised. I must look like more of an alcoholic than I'd realized. She was sitting in the middle of the couch, so I settled in at the end, not wanting to be too blatantly obvious about my desire to be close to her. Somehow, she'd forgiven my jealousy, and I was determined not to screw up any more.
Tonight anyway.
I fought to keep the frown off my face and distracted myself by saying, "So you were looking at my guitar again, hmm?"
Bella seemed shy as she answered, "Yeah, it looks pretty nice."
I could tell she wanted to say more, but something seemed to be holding her back. I hoped that if she relaxed a little more, maybe she'd be able to tell me whatever was on her mind. And maybe if I kept my hands busy, I would be able to keep them safely off Bella.
So I stood and walked to the entertainment center to pick up my guitar. I sat on the floor, pushing my sleeves out of the way and resting my back against the couch as I began tuning it, my hands automatically performing the adjustments necessary as my thoughts drifted.
I was frustrated with the way I'd been struggling to control my thoughts all night. Normally it was much easier. It wasn't simply that Bella looked more alluring tonight…rather, I think it had to do with the changing nature of our relationship. As soon as the words "girlfriend" and "date" had crept into my head, I started seeing a physical relationship as more of a possibility with Bella.
And that was a very dangerous thing.
I meant it when I said I would wait forever for her. How could I not? She was everything I could ever want, and she was far too important to fuck things up by pushing her sexually. God knows I knew how that shit felt, and I never wanted Bella to feel that way. But forget blue balls – my forever was going to be one very long case of fucking indigo balls if I couldn't learn to control my thoughts.
Even now, I couldn't stop myself from imagining it. I pictured my arms wrapped around her, feeling her soft curves as she pressed herself against me. I saw her lick her lips and smile at me as I leaned down, kissing her. My imaginary Bella tangled her fingers in my hair, pulling me closer as her lips parted, her tongue meeting mine.
I felt the ridiculous smile on my face as Bella sat down in front of me, dragging me out of my reverie. She leaned toward me – fucking hell, that innocent little satin bra was going to kill me – and I nearly acted on impulse, meeting her in the middle and fucking kissing her until neither of us could breathe. But then she reached out to brush the hair from my forehead, and the sight of her trembling fingers sobered me quickly.
I stared at her, realizing what I'd nearly done. She was looking back at me with such innocence and trust that I just felt even worse. I couldn't look at her anymore, so I tore my eyes away, feeling heat burning my cheeks.
How could I ever deserve her?
My eyes were stinging as I focused on the guitar in my hands, playing a few chords as I tried to find control. I heard her soft voice and raised my eyes to find her.
"Edward? Would you mind playing something for me?" she asked.
Anything for you.
I love you.
Why couldn't I say it? It wasn't like I hadn't declared myself openly. So why were certain words so goddamn hard to say? I felt my cheeks heat from both embarrassment and frustration. I was so weak.
She looked so fucking trusting. I hated to think of her ever finding out what a coward I was. I closed my eyes to escape hers, and I tried so hard to say the words.
I love you.
I couldn't do it. It was so stupid, but I couldn't make myself say what I was really feeling. But I could try to let her know anyway. Maybe she would understand.
Without even a conscious decision, my fingers began playing a song that I had learned in my seemingly endless depression years ago. I focused on playing the best I could, trying to show her through my music that she was the world to me. Maybe someday I would be strong enough to truly make the decision to tell her calmly, not just blurt it out during times of emotional turmoil.
When the time came, I tried to infuse the words with everything I was feeling as I sang. "Staring at the sea – will she come? Is there hope for me?"
You are my hope, Bella…the only hope I've felt in so long.
I thought of the way I felt when she smiled at me and the hope that surged within me whenever she made an attempt to be closer to me. What the hell could she see in me? Why was I worth it?
"After all is said and done…anything at any price…"
Anything at all…
I would do anything just to see her smile, to see the way her eyes lit up when she looked at me.
"All of this for you…"
I will give you the world if you let me.
I lost myself in the music, picturing Bella and feeling nothing but longing and a vague sense of despair that warred with the hope Bella conjured in me. As the song neared its close and I was singing, "I can still feel you, even so far away…" memories of holding Bella flooded my mind. I remembered the feeling of her body pressed closely against mine. She was so warm and so soft…nothing compared to the feeling of her arms wrapped around me. Despite her apprehensions, she had molded herself to me, holding me closely and stirring my desire. I had never wanted anyone like I wanted her.
The song ended, but I kept my head down and my eyes closed, struggling to overcome my own craving before I looked at her. I didn't want to frighten her.
I froze when I felt the first stirring of air that blew my hair against my forehead. I inhaled lightly, catching Bella's fragrance, and I knew she was close. My instincts were to lean forward, take her face in my hands, and pull her to me, crushing my lips to hers and kissing her senseless.
If it were anyone else, that's exactly what I would have done. God knows I'd just done whatever I wanted often enough in the past.
But I couldn't do that with Bella, and I was afraid of how badly I would fuck things up if I did. I kept myself utterly still, afraid to move at all because I wasn't sure what I would do. Would I have enough control to keep my hands – and lips – to myself?
I felt Bella's warm, soft lips press lightly against my forehead, and I wanted to groan. What was she doing to me? Taunting me, tormenting me…what I wanted was so fucking close, but it might as well have been on the other side of the world.
But…through my frustration, the enormity of what she had just done hit me. Yet again, she was pushing herself, taking that next step…for me. Why? Maybe I was wrong…maybe I'd been overthinking it. Maybe she wanted to kiss me just as badly as I did her.
I opened my eyes slowly. She was on her knees, sitting on her heels as she leaned forward. For the first time ever, I allowed myself to take in the sight of her fully, my gaze traveling slowly over her entire body. I admired the flare of her shapely hips before they narrowed to her waist. Once again, I could see the swell of her breasts barely concealed by the white satin cups of her bra. I saw a brief flash of myself leaning forward, licking and kissing the soft flesh of her cleavage.
My eyes continued their journey, appreciating her delicate collarbones as I imagined sucking lightly on the hollow of her neck. I allowed my imaginary lips to continue their exploration, kissing their way to the skin just beneath her ear. I turned my attention to her face, enjoying her striking cheekbones and warm, expressive eyes.
She was so incredibly beautiful.
I wanted her. I needed her.
I shifted my gaze to her lips, licking my own reflexively as my resolve to kiss her strengthened.
And then I heard Bella gasp.
My Bella.
I saw a flash of fear in her eyes, and I blinked as I pressed myself back against the couch, trying to get as far away from the source of my temptation as possible. My breathing was heavy, and I closed my eyes, trying to clear my mind and calm myself.
Then what I had nearly done really hit me, and I was appalled. My lust faded into the background as my eyes opened, searching her face as I tried to make sure she was okay.
Fuck.
What if I scared her away?
I wanted to be the one person she never had to fear, but I had no one to blame but myself if she cringed away from me now.
"I'm sorry, Bella," I whispered, wishing I could make her see exactly how sorry I was.
She looked confused as she asked, "What are you sorry for?"
For not being the man you deserve. For not being able to control myself. For being a monster.
I smiled at her concern for me even now. "For frightening you…I didn't mean to," I said as I looked down.
Bella surprised me again, gently tilting my chin up. I looked into her eyes and somehow saw…affection there.
"It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong," she said softly. "And thank you…that was beautiful."
What does she see in me?
I tried to smile at her, but I just felt so fucking low right then. Despite everything – the way I wanted her, my jealous ass confrontation with Jasper, the fact that I had just frightened her – she cared about me. She was worried and wanted me to be okay. She truly was an angel, and I would spend my life doing everything I could to be worthy of her, as long as she would have me.
She lightened her tone and said, "You're in trouble now, you know…"
And I realized something. She was trying to bring me out of this random bout of depression because she was enjoying herself and wanted to be here. She was happy here with me. She wanted me to be happy too. I don't know why it struck me then…maybe it was her tone or the way she was smiling at me. Whatever it was, my mood lifted. We'd had a fantastic night, and I wasn't going to let my morose ass ruin it.
I couldn't figure out what she meant though, so I arched an eyebrow and said, "Trouble?"
She nodded with her eyes wide as she said, "Mmhmm…"
I had to grin as I asked what sort of trouble. She was just so fucking adorable. I saw the concern fade from her eyes as her smile became truly happy.
She said, "I had no idea you could play and sing like that…I hope you realize you'll be doing that at least, oh…once an hour from now on."
Anything for you. Anything at all.
This time, I was going to tell her. I was fucking strong enough, damn it.
I smiled at her, both from happiness at the love I felt and from the sense of pride I had at gathering my courage. "Whatever my Bella wishes…"
Bella blushed, and I realized a fraction too late that I'd said "my Bella" aloud. I felt the heat on my cheeks, but I saw that Bella wasn't bothered. She even seemed to like it. I resisted the urge to look away, wanting instead to take in the happiness in Bella's eyes.
Whatever makes her happy…
And since what seemed to make her happy was hanging out with me for some unfathomable reason, I decided to go with it. I would take whatever she would give. So I grinned at her, deciding to tease her a bit.
"I think you'll know this one…" I said as I began playing an old Weezer song. It had reminded me of her ever since I found out she played D&D. She was so wonderfully geeky. I loved it. I meant it when I said it was refreshing that she was always herself.
"I've got the Dungeon Master's Guide," I sang, grinning at her. "I've got a 12-sided die."
My grin broadened when Bella joined in with, "I've got Kitty Pryde…"
As we sang together, I felt all the tension and worry and despair I'd felt drain away. I knew I needed to be careful, but somehow it didn't bother me so much in that moment. I would never stop wanting Bella, but...as long as I could keep from hurting her, that sounded like a fucking good problem to have.
