It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye...

When he muttered these words, softly in my ears... I felt the warm blow of his mouth against my skin. I was crying. I shivered. And I forgot to breathe. He was taking my soul. I think if he had kissed me once... I would have felt that kind of things. I think I have never kissed anyone... while I was awake. But I never felt such a feeling before. In my memory it's so intense it's almost frightening. I remember it as an invisible kiss.

I miss these moments spent together. But did we once truly speak one to the other? We were full of contradictions.

I used to love you. But before, I used to live, with you into my life, and so I was happy. I thought I needed nothing more than Hokuto and you by my side. Then I thought I couldn't live without Hokuto. Then I thought I couldn't live without your love. Then I thought I couldn't live without you. Now I don't think anymore. I just live, or survive, I'm not really sure. But I won't die.

I can't die. Not now that you're living through my existence. And whenever I happen to be forgetting, wishing for the compassionate non-consciousness given by death, a glimpse of amber catches my eye in the mirror. I suddenly stand still. I've drowned again into the shimmering fog of remembrance.

Do I regret? But what has to be regretted? You chose the way it ended, didn't you? Or maybe I did. Somewhere I made a mistake and the result is what happened on that bridge. It's complete nonsense to think about that, but I just can't keep my mind silent.

I remember Tokyo Tower, and all these moments I could have spent with you, missed because of my obsession for work. I sometimes helped a little, maybe, but most of the time I hurt the people I pretended to be helping. I should have stayed at home, instead of overestimating my onmyouji powers. I could have hurt less people... and I would have missed less of your dates.

When I was a child, a cherry tree attracted me. I couldn't put my eyes off its soft pinky-white blossoms. But the cherry tree keeper happened to be much more attractive. A smile, a look, and I had being caught by him. I thought I needed nothing, before. But after... I'm not sure when it became obvious, but I began to need your presence next to me. Just the thought of being able to see you again in the nearest future was enough. But it was a need.

It seemed normal. In the right order of things. You had become part of my life. A vital part. Just as Hokuto, I thought. But it appeared to be kind of different. I'm not sure how. I've tried to express it, tried to understand. But as Hokuto said once, I'm not very accurate when I've got to practice self-understanding.

I miss Hokuto... My sweet sister... she was always there, always loving... She helped me during every single moment of my work and life... She was so strong! I miss Hokuto in a way... how can I say... When I think about her, air gets off my lungs, the sun leaves the sky, there are no stars up and I'm lost in the night. My ears are full of her laughs while my eyes fill with tears. My heart beats for two, I seek her face in the mirror and I feel so miserable.

But for Seïshirô... It's not that I simply miss him. It's like a hole in my soul, there's nothing left except emptiness. When he was... alive... all the strength of my thought was wrapped around him, I could not make his presence leave my conscience. It hurt. I was tormented by that love I felt for him. Now I feel... empty. Even though I think I should feel better, appeased. It's not fair, Hokuto! I wish you were here. I would like to be able to imagine the words you'd be telling me right now, but I can't. I'd love to hear them. But I have to deal without it. Mh, I'm sure this is part of the reason why I'm feeling a bit lost.

Now that both of you are missing... Now that I have lost the two people I cherished the most...! I have nothing to do except diving into the tides of my lost thoughts and memories. Tides of delight and tides of tears.

Now that I'm sure I need you, you're dead. So what can I do? What can someone who has lost the only one he wished to die for do to live? It doesn't seem paradoxical. But it actually is. As I only lived to die by your hands.

Well, he died in my arms, telling me he loved me with the most incredibly intense expression on the face I had ever seen.

I'll never forget.